I was pretty close to breaking some new ground on this blog today, Folks. I realized recently that with the exception of a few articles, (maybe 2?), Cracked.com almost never mentions sports unless we’re ranking fictional sports teams in order of awesomeness. Generally, we handle slightly, uh…nerdier content, if you will. Movie reviews, internet awards, pornography. Those sorts of things.
Well, I was sick of ignoring an important demographic. It was time, I decided, for the Cracked blog to branch out into the territory of sports, and it just so happens that the Celtics and Lakers, after incredibly tense seasons, played an incredibly tense game last night to kick off what is sure to be incredibly tense playoffs. And I was all set to talk about that game. I’d talk about Kobe Bryant, and how no matter what he does and no matter what the records show, he will never be a better player than Michael Jordan even if, at some point, it is revealed that he technically is. I’d discuss that even though I love him like a son, I just might murder Paul Pierce one of these days. I’d explain how a Celtics-Lakers showdown is a symbolic representation of every major socio-political conflict in American History and that if we, as a nation, can learn something from the way Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett deeply respect each other, we just might heal this world a little bit.
I was going to talk about all that, but then it was reported in this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly that a new comic was coming out which would redefine the relationship between Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman. So I’m gonna go ahead and talk about that instead.
The comic in question, “Trinity,” is the latest in a series of attempts by DC to be fresh and drastic and edgy. A new issue of Trinity will come out once a week for an entire year. They tried this move a little earlier with 52, which most critics complained had too many characters and too many storylines and not enough focus. Trinity, to its credit, will only focus on three characters but, to its colossal discredit, one of those characters is Wonder Woman.
So how will they redefine this relationship? Will Wonder Woman wrap the lasso of truth around herself and instantly proclaim “My powers kind of blow,” thereby shocking no one? Will Superman abandon his heroics once he realizes he’s an alien and his decision to fight for “the American Way” is strictly based on where he landed on Earth when he was a baby, and therefore totally arbitrary? Are Batman and Wonder Woman fucking? Are Batman and Wonder Woman fucking!?”
Well, keep guessing, Mother Folkers, because we won’t be getting answers soon. Wanna know what happened in the first issue of this highly-anticipated new series? I’ll fucking tell you. Bat, Sups and Woman ate breakfast and talked about a dream they each had. That’s what happened. They sat in a little café and ate breakfast together and, meanwhile, your friendly neighborhood Dan O’Brien wasted four dollars. Apparently, when not saving the world, DC’s Big Three like eating eggs and bickering incessantly.
Oh, and did I mention who the main villain is going to be throughout this year-long comic process? The guy so powerful and deadly that his presence warrants the cooperative efforts of two of the greatest superheroes of all time and Wonder Woman? Is it The Joker? Is it Lex Luthor? Is it…whoever Wonder Woman’s biggest adversary is, (Zits? Periods?)? No, it’s none of those. It’s Morgan le Fay from…from the King Arthur legends. Morgan has actually astonishingly shown up in a few comics before, both in the DC and the Marvel universe and readers across the board have responded with a vehement “We don’t give a shit about Morgan le Fay.”
And now we’re stuck with her for a year.
So, we’ve got an evocative breakfast scene, a boring obscure villain, what’s next? Will Wonder Woman get a cold? Is Superman thinking of buying a hammock? Fucking brunch?
Okay, now, maybe I’m biased against DC. I’ve been a Marvel guy from the beginning, starting with a very early interest in Spider-Man that grew into an obsession, and finally, a career. (It was recently announced that I will be replacing Tobey Maguire in the next installment of Spider-Man due out May 2010.)
Combine that with the fact that Marvel’s last few years have been some of its strongest ever, you can understand my position.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve read my fair share of Batman comics, (Is “all of them” considered a fair share? I think so.), but beyond the Bat, I’ve never really been excited about DC’s heroes. Flash? Aquaman!? Even Superman is painfully boring to me. Give him a drinking disorder at least. Something to make him interesting.
Still, because you fine readers respect me as a journalist, I’ll try not to let my total ambivalence toward the DC roster or the fact that I don’t really know anything about Wonder Woman cloud my judgement. I will attempt to give Issue #1 of Trinity a fair and thoughtful critique:
It blows.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- The First Thanksgiving: An Almost Graphic Representation - November 28th, 2008
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
September 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
D.O.B, for making me laugh up lungs regularly, and for your ‘almost dangerous obsession with comic books”, allow me to provide the words that will make D.C. readable: Vertigo, and Elseworlds. You really don’t need anything else from DCU.
Oh, and for the Flash, I’d say google “The Motherfu***’in Flash”. It would show how he is the god of D.C.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:22 am
I like Sex and the City And the actress is now flirting with a handsome college guy on a dating site ^^&&&&^^^^UKsugarmommy~~~****c om, there many famous rich stars seeking sugarbabies. She is wealthy and she wil be a perfect sugarmommy.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Dammit Ross, you really oughtta read The Authority.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I’m kind of biased towards either fantasy or dark dystopian images of the future and/or society’s seedy underbelly. I’m a cheery little bunny like that.
My favourite stuff is After The Fall (magic, Goddesses, amazing illustration) or Spawn, Johnny Cage and The Punisher.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Oh, kingmonkey, you irascible scamp.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:39 am
I am big NBA fan! NBA players also has many fans in our big people club___PlusMeet.c o m, where so many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fu&love together!
June 12th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Boy oh boy, did I have a crush on Linda Carter growing up.
http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/
June 11th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
That’s okay, your wife, Neil’s mom and I have a special understanding; I don’t tell one about the other, I keep all three of my testicles.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Hey Super stud, don’t you go cheating on Mrs.glendoor42. Her going to Canadia is the only relief I have.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
May I be so bold, Neil, as to suggest that your mom was incredible last night?
June 10th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Sinestro Corps was incredible
June 10th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Oh and I forgot to mention I loved The Sinestro Corps War, and The Fastest Man Alive. /they were excellent.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Haha Yeah Coundown. Sorry DOB, I actually liked it.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Awesome, thanks for the tips, fellas. I’ll get right to it!
June 10th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
@Coop
Pick up Secret War, House of M, Civil War and any of Bendis’s work with the New Avengers, (not, I repeat, NOT the Mighty Avengers). The third part of Bendis’s big epic trilogy, (beginning with Secret War, continued into Civil), is Secret Invasion, and it’s going on right now.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
@DOB - we’ve been talking about the jay-z connection too. that seems to be the latest nba conspiracy.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
If you like superhero stories, but don’t want to read the same old boring stuff, or if you’re sick of DC and Marvel’s inability to stick to their guns and leave the dead dead, try something a little different.
Watchmen, Miracleman, The Authority, Elseworlds: The Nail, Elseworlds: The Liberty Files & The Unholy Three, Elseworlds: Red Son, Alien Legion, Invincible… there are a lot of great comics out there, sometimes you just need a change from the norm. Hell, there are a lot of great non-superhero comics out there.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:59 am
I haven’t read any comics since the mid to late 90’s (and I did love them so). I have to say though, DOB, reading this has inexplicably rekindled my interest to a degree. That interest is tempered by the unfortunate realization that, since the last time I immersed myself in the Marvel world (I believe it was around the time of the Amalgam universe thing), there has undoubtedly been a veritable mountain of material. I haven’t a clue as to the best place to start if I did indeed go about getting back into the swing.
All of that to ask: In your humble opinion, just where *should* I start? Furthermore, what would you classify as “must read” after I’ve made my way back onto the straight and narrow?
June 9th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
@DOB lol at “may I call you ‘motherfucker’?”
it seems you get dangerously obsessed with alot of things. Hannah Montana, Magibon, Abs, Comics ect. You might want to, you know, figure out whats at the root of all your obsessions.
Agreed about aquaman tho, he’s a total asshat.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
@Hawk Ferrous
I beg your pardon? Are you calling me out on comics? Is that what you’re doing? Sir, with the exception of the perfect physical specimen that is my body, there are only a few things I pride myself on in this world: My ability to cook a bacon-wrapped Omaha steak with a thick Mushroom Marsala Wine sauce. My indisputable street credibility, (again, Jay-Z and I are friends). My unquestioned authority on matters of Pimpology, and my almost dangerous obsession with comic books.
Motherfucker- (May I call you ‘Motherfucker’?) - Motherfucker, please. Fucking please, man, I’ve never even watched the Superfriends cartoon, wanna know why? Because I was already familiar enough with Aquaman to know that he isn’t a compelling or interesting enough character to warrant my attention for a half hour. Plus, when it comes to deep sea superheroes, once you’ve read Namor, you don’t need anyone else. He’s like the “black” of the underwater comics world.
My issue with Wonder Woman, (aside from the dizzying switching of her powers and history, which was more of a failing on the part of the writers), is that traditional Wonder is just too powerful. She’s another Superman-esque, non-human pseudo-God with few flaws and ultimate powers. That is simply, not compelling to me. How do you relate to that? How do you connect?
June 9th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Purplestar, they did it with a leather condom
June 9th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
@ibh, what you say is indeed true. I am the dominant female in my workplace and the rest have fallen into line.
Regarding comics: I have just started getting into some of them. Ultimate Xmen, for example got boring after the 6th trade. I don’t know how to translate that into regular comic book issues.
If someone could please tell me HOW Rogue and Gambit did the deed (as a previous poster has mentioned), I would be eternally grateful.
IMHO, Alan Moore is god but I really am a newbie and I haven’t read many comics YET.
I am also a sportsfan but basketball bores me to tears. NFL and NHL only.
This article appealed to me all around, though.
June 9th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
It’s funny to me that most of the people who rip on DC (especially in articles like this) don’t know characters like Wonder Woman and Aquaman outside of Superfriends and a live-action 70s TV show.
Maybe I should base my opinion of Spider-Man entirely on the two aborted live-action TV shows in the 70s. Or worse: his appearances on the Electric Company! Or even worse yet: Spider-Man 3!
I have usually found Marvel comics to be soap operas on paper. Plus, I don’t want to go back and research stories from 1965 just to understand what’s going on now. I know that now they aren’t as big of slaves to almighty Continuity, but in my case is was too little; too late.
June 9th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Their only one Wonder Woman and her name is Lucy Lawless……… Warrior Princess.
June 9th, 2008 at 11:04 am
To be fair it’s mostly with women though.
There have been a few comics of her slapping her dumbass boyfriend around (pre-Superman).
June 9th, 2008 at 11:00 am
wonder woman is indeed into bondage. just google it and its there.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Fuck you 1 after DOB’s glorious name!
June 9th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Fuck you DOB1 You can’t be replacing Conan AND Tobey. Or can you?
Yes you can, congrats.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I love big manful NBA players,
just like many big guys I met in hot big people dating club___P l u s M e e t . c o m, where so many big boob women, big booty women and big handsome men mingle and seek love together!
June 9th, 2008 at 10:00 am
DOB, here is all you need to know about Wonder Woman. She is a woman who doesn’t know her place and regularly gets bitch slapped by Superman, and she is into bondage games in the bedroom
June 9th, 2008 at 8:30 am
@glendoor: nahhh, we do have an awesome legend that states that the Giant’s Causeway exists off the coast of Ireland simply because an irish giant decided to create a stone walkway simply so he could cross the sea and kick the shit out of a Scottish giant.
Oh, and strange as it sounds, I’m a Mavericks fan.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:17 am
@Neil- Some friends of mine and I were just talking about LeBron James last night. Jay-Z owns the Nets, Jay-Z is friends with LeBron (and me), and Jay-Z loves Brooklyn. And if LeBron James wants to go down as one of the greatest basketball players in history, he’s gonna need to get himself some rings, and he won’t be doing that on the Cavaliers.
Your worst nightmares are coming true.
Meanwhile, Celtics win!
June 9th, 2008 at 7:20 am
@ Panzer-Stier Ross I thought William Wallace already fit that bill.
June 9th, 2008 at 6:08 am
@ glendoor: I don’t know, but being Scottish my ideal hero is more 7 feet tall, extremely hairy, biceps like tvs and generally uses his powers to throw mountains over the English border crushing poorly drawn caricatures of Tony Blair and David Cameron.
By the way I am so fucking writing that comic.
@J-pappi: your apology is accepted, although I am still worried about the hookers. Please say you’ve never been to Amsterdam, and that you’re on their wanted list as ‘The Dildo Menace’.
June 9th, 2008 at 2:33 am
@Neil: See Kill Bill: Vol. 2
Also, spidey rocks an emoswish like nobody’s business. Which makes him awesome in my book.
June 8th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I’m afraid what’s getting lost in all this is that the Lakers are getting their asses kicked by the Celtics.
June 8th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
“an overgrown, overmuscled, overpowered CIA agent’ comes to mind. ”
and right there is the point. The conflict in Superman. Because Superman doesn’t want to be that because he’s a boyscout, but sometimes people see him like that and are afraid of him and there’s nothing he can do to reverse that. Lex Luthor is his nemesis because Lex believes its too much power for one man to have (unless that man is Lex of course). And in the larger context of the DCU Supes sometimes is taken in that route, sometime he’s forced that way or manipulated into being that and usually its up to batman to take him down a notch. DC is always playing with these ideas of - is it ok for anyone to have this much power? Can people trust them? Should people trust them? Superman constantly has to be careful, play down his power, put on kid gloves for fear of killing or hurting anyone. He can kill anyone with just one finger or even his eyes. He chooses not to. He so badly wants to be one of us. But he can never be one of us because he’s better than us. Imagine if everyone you cared about was made of glass. Everything and everyone around you could be destroyed so easily. You’d have to be careful every waking second and even when you’re sleeping to lower yourself. Make yourself less super. Just to try to exist on some normative level. Peter parker may be a nerd turned superhero, but clark kent was the original. Except he really was the superhero even if he was the nerd at heart. He’s not free to take off his suit and live as the nerd. Living as the nerd is a game he has to play and wishes he could live all the while truly being a superman. Peter Parker may try to live a normal life, but ultimately he wants to be spiderman. He wants to be a hero, he wants to be cool. Superman just wants to be a nerd and he can’t. He can dress up like one, act like one, but no matter what he does he will always be an alien playing farm boy. A man in a world of glass desperately trying not to break anything.
June 8th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
‘an overgrown, overmuscled, overpowered CIA agent’ comes to mind. ”
And just what the fuck is wrong with that? HUH???? You give me ten men like that and the world would be a better place, I GURAN “DAMN” TEE YOU THAT SONNY JIM.
June 8th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
“I don’t hate marvel, but I have problems with them for the simple fact that i think their #1 guy, spiderman, is just a whiny bitch”
holla at that, spidey’s a pussy
June 8th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I wonder what got caught in the original; wasn’t a whole lot different. Gotta love wordpress.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Something like:
Far be it from me to mess with another man’s B&W fantasies (I’m a Clara Bow man, myself); I will hereby NOT pursue any further that line of thought unless it involves a later version of that film.
I also didn’t kill any ladies of the evening, I merely requested some from someone else who already had. I also suggested they use a different carrier than the one you work for.
See? I’m not such a bad fella after all.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
How odd; I just posted a friendly retraction and it didn’t go through. I’ll try again in a moment.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
J-Pappi, I was going to say this after the killing prostitutes and then mailing them to people discussion (I work for the post office, I really would hate to either handle or deliver those packages) but please, stop.
Don’t ruin Fay Wray for me you bastard. If those fantasies of me in a fedora, double breasted suit and in black and white calling Fay Wray ‘the best damn dame who ever broke my heart’ die then I won’t be able to sleep at night.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
With some lube, of course; clay probably isn’t very comfortable on its own.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
OK, I guess there IS plenty of boning going on, and not being much of a comic reader I seem to have missed it. But what about those of us who really only get their comic fix at the movies? THERE’S NOT ENOUGH BONING THERE EITHER, ladies and gentlemen. Take X-men, for example. I can understand Ian McKellan ’cause he’s a fag, but they had Jean-Luc Picard and a dude named “Jackman” playing Wolverine and nobody skeeted on ANY of the multiple hot bitches. Did Spidey skeet on Kirsten Dunst? No, he did not. Did Ang Lee’s Hulk skeet on Jennifer Connelly? No again. Did Batman skeet on Uma Thurman (back when she was younger and hotter)? Ix-nay on the eet-skay. Did Iron Man skeet on Gwyneth Paltrow? Now ask yourselves if you had superpowers (or were even just next to them in a bus when they weren’t looking) if you wouldn’t cover any of these lovelies with your man-goop. Are you all seeing where I’m going with this? And this is just a few of the comic-turned-movie movies of the last few years. Don’t EVEN get me started on the older ones. Heck, if I was the dude who did the 1933 version of King Kong I woulda had Fay Wray riding a clay-mation gorilla schlong like a stop-motion rodeo cowgirl.
June 8th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I like my superheroes to have a human side too, and the DC guys seem to lack it. Superman is completely unlikeable to anyone outside the U.S. as the famous quote of ‘an overgrown, overmuscled, overpowered CIA agent’ comes to mind.
I think DC suffers from being in a very slight timewarp, I mean they were one of the original brands, going back to the days when comic books had words like ‘gay’ in normal dialogue and blacks were inked as having giant deformed lips. It’s just compared to the edgy dark, brooding guys on the Marvel side like the X-Men (outcast freaks who are too powerful/inhuman to fit in elsewhere) it looks really old-fashioned.
Also, Trinity sounds like a pathetic idea for a spin-off. It sounds like a Superhero Universe soap opera for christssake. I mean is Wonderwoman going to screw Superman, develop a case of amnesia and then spend 3 months with a bandage round her head before revealing that she hadn’t really screwed Superman and it was all a dream?
Fuck you, at least Marvel had the decency to create a spin-off like Marvel Zombies.
Marvel-fucking-zombies.
June 8th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
You know who’s fucking who? Hulk fucks whoever Hulk wants to fuck. Who’s gonna stop him? Unfortunately, he ultimately faces the Lenny dilemma in that anyone he fucks, he fucks with so much force that they die.
June 8th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Plus DC totally has the Watchmen which is the single greatest comic book of all time.
June 8th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
@DOB - I don’t hate marvel. I’m just frustrated by it because I don’t like it nearly as much as DC, but Marvel fans consistently act like DC has no good characters. I think marvel actually probably has more A characters. I mean the x-men alone takes care of that, but the DC B characters are awesome. Deadman, Blue and Gold, The Question, etc. I just see DC as holding the classic mantle of mythology. the Watchtower is Mount Olympus. And I actually dig a lot of the marvel characters. I mean who doesn’t want Hulk smash? I know I do. I want Hulk smash. And I’ve already stated my fondness for Iron Man and the X-men and a few others. I just really don’t like spiderman. I’m sure that will change with you in the suit. But outside of your abs, there isn’t much that can save the character for me. He just comes off as boring and whiny to me.
But let’s stick to what we can agree on. Batman is a badass muthafucka.
‘94 was actually the best knicks season. When we made it to the finals against the rockets. Having games interrupted by the OJ chase. I miss Derek Harper. When I think about the knicks since 1999 it just makes me a sad panda. But we can be good again! If we get LeBron in 2010 we’ll be good again. please say it can happen, DOB, please say it can happen. I so want it too. It’s my very last hope. But I swear, if the Nets ever actually move to Brooklyn and they get LeBron - I am burning my entire childhood and switching to the Nets.
June 8th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I am big NBA fan! NBA players also has many fans in our big people club___PlusMeet.c o m, where so many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fu&love together!
June 8th, 2008 at 11:34 am
@Whowantstoknow
That was one of my least favorite moves in recent Spidey history. Un-Marrying and Un-Publicly outing Spider-Man? Totally aggravating.
Also, as long as we’re all talking about who’s porking who in the comic universe, you know who Hawkeye was boning? Everybody.
Everybody.
June 8th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Spidey fucked MJ? Not anymore, you wannna know why?
BECUASE HE TRADED IN HIS INSANELY HOT WIFE TO THE FUCKING DEVIL FOR HIS SHRIVELED UP PRUNE OF A MUMMIFIED AUNT!
I say DC all the way. Can you see Superman giving up Lois Lane for Martha Kent? I don’t think so.
June 8th, 2008 at 5:00 am
-Pappi Says:
Comics would be more fun to me if there was more boning going on.
Oh come on, don’t sell them short on this one. There’s plenty of boning going on.
Cyclops fucks Emma Frost, Spidey fucked MJ, Deadpool fucks Death, and Wanda and Pietro fucks eachother.
See, thats four instances of dual fuckers. That one couple is a man fuckign an abstract concept and another is a dude boning his sister should in no way be read as marvel being made by sick fucks. After all a 50% non-scream-tastic coupling ratio is better than my own track record.
June 8th, 2008 at 1:34 am
@lindseycasper
marvel-girl was hot. especially ultimate.
i was trying to link the pages from a crossover issue where ultimate spidey didn’t imagine jean grey naked and then did… damn it, can’t find a link… danm it. i’m drunk.
June 8th, 2008 at 1:30 am
@Neil- Batman’s incredible. No question. The reason I read Trinity, even though I pretty clearly hate it, is because of Batman. I’ll follow that crazy bastard just about everywhere. On your hatred of Marvel, well… I just don’t agree, but that’s my opinion. I mean, sure, there is a lot of shit in the Marvel Universe. I’m looking directly at the Fantastic Four and the Young Avengers. But I love Spider-Man. And I loved Civil War. Have you read Secret War? It’s pretty God Damn incredible. The art, the plot, the way it’s told- fucking beautiful. Secret Invasion’s only three issues in and I feel like it’s already very promising. But, hey, we’re two guys disagreeing. Batman is carrying the entire DC universe, while Marvel meanwhile has multiple characters and groups I can get invested in.
Meanwhile, Ah, the Knicks. 93 was the Knickerbocker season, Sir. I’m afraid the Knicks will never be great again. (It’s science.)
June 8th, 2008 at 1:05 am
” no women can get within 3 feet of him without begging his manliness for a good boning.”
Yeah neither could Robin and that’s my one problem with Batman.
June 7th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Is that second pic a deleted scene from 8 heads in a duffel bag?
June 7th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
oo! just saw the size of that. sorry.
June 7th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
I’m a DC dude. I don’t really read comics all that much, but my devotion to the bat is endless. I also have always liked the flash and GL.
I don’t hate marvel, but I have problems with them for the simple fact that i think their #1 guy, spiderman, is just a whiny bitch (I’m sure that will change with with DOB and his abs filling out the suit, but still…) and they have a tendency to go for the emo in their comics. I do dig the x-men and Iron man is pretty cool. I like silver surfer too. But I feel that too many of their villains are so cheesy. I mean rhino? really? Did I change channels and start watching the tick?
Mostly I dislike how marvel fanboys dis DC as if its wretched and Marvel is the greatest thing ever. “Oh, Marvel is so brilliant and innovative.” It was in the ’60s. Especially the work Jack Kirby did. But their shit doesn’t smell like roses, guys. In the 90s they were the biggest champions of putting giant shoulder pads on everyone and giving them patches everywhere (I’m looking at you cable). Marvel does some really good things, but Marvel isn’t clicking on all cylinders right now. Civil War was retarded, world war hulk never lived up to the hype, and secret invasion is worse. It’s not in the shame spiral that DC is in, but at least DC had Sinestro Corps, which was the best storyline to come out of either of the big 2 in years.
Plus did I mention that DC has Batman? No one beats batman … ever. He’s the best. I could watch him eat eggs and be riveted. And the eggs in the book were a metaphor. Batman did fuck wonder woman. You know how i know? no women can get within 3 feet of him without begging his manliness for a good boning. That’s his supposedly lacking superpower.
Oh and as far as movies go, everyone claims that marvel has much better movies, but the spiderman movies sucked - and daredevil, elektra, ghostrider, and fantastic four were all disgraces to comics and cinema. I’ve never felt so much hatred for something as much as I did for the fantastic four movies. I will give credit where credit’s due - blade rocked, x-men was decent to good, and Iron Man was fantastic, but the best comic book movie of all time was Batman Begins, soon to be surpassed by the Dark knight and followed by the original superman movie. DC’s had some shit movies too, but not on the same level.
Plus DC has the awesome vertigo imprint.
anywho - I actually care about basketball more than comics (other than batman), but refuse to discuss it because i’m still mourning the loss of my beloved knicks. I can’t even talk about them. There, now i’ve gone and upset myself.
June 7th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Countdown? Countdown?! I’m never one to call someone out on their chosen name, but I have to question how “cool” you really are, Guy. I can give you Infinite Crisis and certainly Identity Crisis, maybe even 52 for its ambition. But Countdown? You, sir, are out of control.
June 7th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I dunno… I like Marvel and DC pretty equally. I mean I wasn’t really that into DC up until about a year ago, only really read The Flash and Batman, but Infinite Crisis, 52, and Countdown were all really good, and I’m really looking forward to Final Crisis. I don’t really need to praise Marvel for two reasons, A. It’s already been done in this blog, and B. Do I really need to praise it?! It’s freaking MARVEL FFS!
June 7th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
J-Pappi you are right.
I suppose Batman and Superman will just get a couple of cases of beer and make bets on the Mogan vs. wonderwomen fight while chillin’ in the bat cave.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
The Bat and Sups battle to the death for wonder woman who is pregs with aquamans baby. Sounds like a pretty lame year of dc comics
June 7th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Scientific studies have been done which indicate that when a group of women with different cycles (ie. get their periods at different times of the month) spend a lot of time in close proximity, their cycles change over time until they’re all in sync. Pretty scary if you think about it.
I’m no comic book aficionado, but I’m sure this aspect of female physiology has never been used in any comic book super-villain plots and I think it should be considered for the Morgan La Fey issues. In order to prevent every woman on the planet from going on the rag at the same time, the heroes battle Ms. La Fey, with the help of the newest character, “Le Douche Bag”.
June 7th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
“All women have an unbreakable lasso; that’s not a superpower it’s a failure of the judicial system.”
- J-Pappi
So damn true.
June 7th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@Iubu2112: wouldn’t your plot similarly disable Morgan La Fey? Or are you counting on them being on different cycles, and thus in different issues. Personally, I think it would have the opposite effect; a female hero and a female anti-hero both bloating, cramping, bitching and bleeding at the same time would make for some epic battles. It’d be more like, what the fuck are Superman and Batman gonna do now but hide if they’ve got any sense?
June 7th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I was going to deffend DC, but then i remembered, that I haven’t read much of those. Yay for some other comics.
Man, I’d love to see Authority The Movie (if it wasn’t built by Uwe). or Darkness The Movie.
Transmetropolitan is too cool for movies though
June 7th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Perhapes Morgan La Fey will destroy all tampons and Miadol, Wonder Women will only be in three issues a month.
June 7th, 2008 at 7:56 am
All women have an unbreakable lasso; that’s not a superpower it’s a failure of the judicial system.
June 7th, 2008 at 4:16 am
Hey, I like both Marvel and DC equally. Marvel has this pseudo-real-life thing in its comics while DC is sorta more pulp (excluding the Vertigo comics). And excuse me, I seem to remember WW able to fly on her own, has super-strength and super-deflecting skills. Also the lasso is an unbreakable rope. How are those not cool. I like Batman better anyway.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:20 am
If I don’t read comics, do they revoke my nerd license? (But even I know the vast superiority of Marvel. Gambit did Rogue. (At least that’s what I remember.) ‘Nuff said.)
It’s been said before, but the Spider-Man 4 title was fucking hilarious.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I love big manful NBA players,
just like many big guys I met in hot big people dating club___P l u s M e e t . c o m, where so many big boob women, big booty women and big handsome men mingle and seek love together!
June 7th, 2008 at 12:13 am
Marvel has always been my favorite too. The only DC book I was ever really into and I don’t know if it counts, because it was the Vertigo line and that was Preacher.
Also never really liked the books but in my opinion the most powerful superhero team was the original line up of the Defenders. Hulk, Silver Surfer, Dr. Strange and Namor.
June 6th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
@Sean- I agree, but you are missing Batman in your DC rant and THAT, Sir, is a tragic omission. A few years ago, I was willing to switch from Marvel to DC on the strength of some of the Batman comics alone. Killing Joke, Miller’s Dark Knight Returns and Year One, The Long Halloween…Are you kidding me? Solid gold, my friend. I mean, Marvel right now is incredible. Incredible. But for a while, it didn’t look like they’d have anything comparable to some of the Batman graphic narratives, nothing that would hold up quite as well.
@katkcheshire You sound sweet and intelligent.
June 6th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
You all are forgetting the best fucking comics of all! The Mormon tracts people leave on your table at like Luby’s!!!
Mormons = lots of boning.
Maybe not DOB standard supermodel boning but they have like ten kids! That guarantees boning at LEAST every nine months.
If you don’t know what they are: (Hell! Don’t Go There is my favorite)
http://www.safeguardyoursoul.com/assets/images/tracts305.JPG
June 6th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
@Lindseycasper: Does this mean you’re a girl who likes Marvel comics or a girl who appears in Marvel comics? Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure you’re a cool chick either way. But it makes a difference (and if you’re the latter, I hope you don’t fly to my house and kick my ass for being a sexist pig. Or maybe I do).
June 6th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Yeah, the only good thing about DC is Batman, and the Joker. Oh and Lex Luthor, I LOVE Lex Luthor, I only Watched the new Superman movie because of Lex, and I loved when he stabs the motherfucker.
Oh right, and that comic with the Joker and The Mask, it’s hilarious. I mean, the Joker puts The Mask on? it’s comedicaly genius.
June 6th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
holy shit. i didn’t think i had an opinion about shit like this.. I’m a Marvel Girl it turns out.
June 6th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I have viewed many sexy and hot videos and photos at a celebrities singles dating club———- Mixedmingle.com——— where many fans and stars can chat together. And there are many black and white singles who are seeking for ideal match seriously there.
June 6th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I hate DC. I really do. For my money (which there is very little of), there is nothing worse than DC Comics. Allow me to sum up my feelings on the matter.
DC: Superman is boring, Wonder Woman has a stupid fucking lasso and a Goddamned invisible jet that doesn’t help at all, Aquaman sucks, Bane is worthless, Deathstroke just WISHES he was DeadPool, Gorilla Grodd is a fucking monkey, The Question doesn’t have a fucking face, while Two-Face has two faces so what the fuck? Mr. Terrific’s name is Mr. Terrific, so fuck him, Granny Goodness is the creepiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, and so on.
Marvel: X-men are great, Cable is the greatest hero in the fucking world, Gambit is fucking incredible, Thor is awesome, Silver Surfer is fucking insanely cool, Galactus kicks ass. Actually, I can’t even go on because in order to list all the awesome marvel characters, I would actually have to list just about every hero and villain they ever created.
June 6th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
@ katkcheshire I was only counting the really important things, Lynda Carter’s tits. Two.
June 6th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Alright DOB if you are going to take Tobey’s place can I suggest throwing in some sort of joke that includes Spidey’s hand being so sticky and a well placed “That what she said”?
June 6th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Glendoor: agreed. Linda Carter’s boobs were an extremely important part of the late 70’s. Hell, she was so hot I even looked at her EYES once, for fuck’s sake. No, I’m not a homo.
DOB: I’m far more into sports than I am comics, but read and liked the whole thing anyway. Good mix. Comics would be more fun to me if there was more boning going on. You’ve got all these impossibly hot bitches strutting around in impossibly hot outfits and they’re not constantly getting boned, like every page of every fucking issue. I mean really, what other plots could matter under those circumstances? If you want to make them about plot, the bitches need to look like Angela Landsbury or something. There must be SOME device embedded to keep me from wanting to constantly masturbate. Although, back in the day (like 1950) she was pretty hot too.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
@glendoor…actually that would be 4 things since boobs come in two’s. Most of the time.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
@glendoor…Isn’t that technically three things?
@DOB…I fear that I may love you.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Thanks for stickin’ with it, pigfat, I was worried I was going to drive away absolutely everyone. Comic book fans would read a paragraph about something called “the Celtics” and then leave. Meanwhile, once the sports fans got to the part about Batman eating eggs, they’d bounce, too.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I have no idea why I read this, considering I care neither about sports or comic books. I didn’t even know DC and Marvel were two different entities.
So apparently, I learned something.
June 6th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
When I think of Wonder Woman, I think of two things, Lynda Carter’s tits. Lynda Carter the woman who all my life I measured all other women’s bodies to as my ideal woman , body wise anyway. Ah, those Friday nights some thirty years ago watching Wonder Woman on tv
knowing it was stupid as hell, but unable to turn my eyes away from the lovely voluptuous
Miss Carter busting out all over in her Wonder Woman suit.
So when I think of Wonder Woman, I think of Lynda Carters tits, my youth and my discovery of the female form. SO STOP PISSING ON MY MEMORIES O’BRIEN.
June 6th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
@Kingmonkey
Daniel Craig as Apollo, Clive Owen as the Midnighter….I can absolutely see that happening.
June 6th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Why don’t they make a comic book movie about the Authority? Now that‘d be worth seeing!
Oh, crap! I meant: you fucking nerds! Comic books are for kids and other assorted virgins! I’m going to hang out with the cool kids, now. We have a LARPing session tonight.
June 6th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Their second adventure is bruce wayne and clark kent rush to the store to buy tampons, but i’m hoping for the issue when the murder jimmy fallon for his crimes agianst america
June 6th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
That’s assuming that the next few movies will be about the boning of women rather than fighting crime.
June 6th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I must ask D.O.B, in Spider-Man 9 (Post boning of every woman on Earth)
Will you be fighting the Snake Monster?
June 6th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Spider-Man 4: Spider-Man bones every woman in Manhattan! haha
June 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
or fifth… or whatever… its saturday n i’m drunk n free from work….
June 6th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Since none of the above comments make sense and i am totallydrunk… FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 6th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
@Hank Pym Shouldn’t you be beating your wife right now?
June 6th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Lord Boltagon, please. Shouldn’t you at least contribute something?
June 6th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
First, go Celtics.
June 6th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I have nothing to say on this matter.