Konnichiwa, my American friends!
It’s me, Tama, the tabby cat who was made station chief of the Kishikawa train line in western Japan. As you may or may not know, I was just promoted to “super-station-master” an honorary title that basically entails more dried fish snacks on Wednesdays and Fridays, and a carpeted post I sometimes spray a filthy chemical on out of glands near my butthole.
Yeah, it’s pretty sweet.
But I’m not here to gloat. I’m here to talk about a grave crisis facing our country. During the regular morning debriefing/tummy pat I get from the men at the station, it was brought to my attention that a homeless Japanese woman had been discovered living in the closets of unknowing apartment tenants.
When I heard, I spit out the hairball I’d been working on and stopped purring mid-pat, which is no small event, believe me.
Naturally, as an important Japanese public figure, I felt it was my responsibility to weigh in on this. The startling fact is that a 58-year-old woman has been living in the closet of an elderly man for several months, using the ninja skills all we Japanese have to evade detection. And that makes me want to hide my tiny kitten eyes with two adorable paws and weep.
Japan is the greatest country in the world. This is a place where, totally unaided by any natural advantages, a humble tabby cat such as myself can rise to such a position that a flick of my whiskers determines whether a train makes it to Okanawa on time, or is derailed in a violent explosion.
At least, that’s what I used to believe. But nine long years of life have shown me a different, harder side of Japan. That such a great country could allow one of our elders to be disgraced in such a fashion, that she would be forced to stoop to sleeping in a closet, makes my three stomachs turn. I know cats only have one stomach; I purchased some extras after the promotion.
And so, I have decided to return the favor that was done me, and help this poor woman. Tatsuko Horikawa, if you read this, I am officially offering you a position at the train station. It’s not glamorous, but then, we can’t all be super-station-masters.
I’m not going to pull punches; it involves a litter box and a scoop. But you’d be making a living wage, have a place to sleep—my old, non-gold cot—and you can spray my post with your anal glands whenever you’d like.
Ma’am, I am offering you the dignity you have been denied. Come, work for me, a cat train superintendent, and recapture your lost self-respect.
I leave you with an old saying from my people:
meow meow meow hiss purrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Yours,
Super Station Master Tama ^___^
When not blogging for Cracked, Tama the cat serves as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
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- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
September 29th, 2008 at 6:45 am
netclubcasinò com in italiano…
intermix messiness painting ramp feasibility …
July 20th, 2008 at 4:35 am
casino souls…
scowl victual?adumbrated?screens …
June 16th, 2008 at 3:34 am
My head is spinning after reading this..
http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/
June 11th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Not that weird, think about it , the Spambots are obviously coming from China.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Whoa… lovebigbeauty just fucked up my logic gland with that last post.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Japanese is a crule and brutal people. And the most hateful thing is that they do not admit what they have done in the World War Two. I and many of my online friends @ PlusMeet.c o m do not like them. ____PlusMeet.c o m_ __is where our big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! We also have hot discussion at the froum there.
June 7th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Big boob dancing videos?
June 7th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
@Glendoor42: It is an historical truth that Eastern European basketball players are hairy and don’t have many vowels in their last names. Refute that, sir; I dare you.
June 7th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
@Kingmonkey: One thing’s for sure, “Picture” was written by a Wilde animal.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:10 am
I also saw many big boob dancing videos, big booty dancing videos @@PlusMeet.c o m___, where many sexy big beauties and big handsome guys mingle and seek fun&love together! You will not be disappointed!
June 6th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I have viewed many sexy and hot videos and photos at a celebrities singles dating club———- Mixedmingle.com——— where many fans and stars can chat together. And there are many black and white singles who are seeking for ideal match seriously there.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Animal Farm was a collective piece actually written by farm animals, who have a much better grip on the complex socio metaphorical undercurrent of their society than humans think.
June 6th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Ah, but you forget, smashpro1, that a cat wrote The Joy of Sex, without which, some of us might never have been born!
I believe a ferret or small otter wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray.
June 6th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Mr. Jensen you stated “In other words, because historical truths”. Historical truths are subjective. I would be interested in hearing what you consider historical truths for any nation.
June 6th, 2008 at 11:51 am
@kingmonkey+1, Great Gatsby sucked so it is entirely plausible that a cat wrote it. All the great literature came from dogs: Series of Unfortunate Events, Brave New World, Hitchhicker’s Guide to the Galaxy, etc.
June 6th, 2008 at 11:38 am
The US educational system is highly decentralized, each school district is able to select whatever text it wants to use, students in a lot of high schools are exposed to diverse viewpoints (when they, you know actually do the work), in a lot of schools they read things such as The People’s History of the United States, which leads to a bunch of punk kids running around parroting the fact that the Founding Fathers were slave owners or that Christopher Columbus was an opportunist and a jerk. Of course, because Americans don’t tend to take history as seriously as say, the Japanese or the Europeans, this doesn’t really have any significant ramifications on our domestic or international policies.
In other words, because historical truths are considered unimportant by the average American, they are widely available and fairly objective. But in places where history is considered very important (Europe and especially Asia), history is considered a strong source of national identity and is usually well controlled either directly or indirectly by the government. A lot of times too this boils down to territorial disputes, certain nations are prone to defining other peoples’ territory as being historically theirs, and then invade it.
The US doesn’t look for historical legitimacy in its actions, but rather legitimizes its actions through references to “liberty” or “freedom”, or maybe “progress” (when we were aping the British).
June 6th, 2008 at 10:49 am
So we agree: kill japs in some fashion that doeasn’t make people sick and give the country to the cats.
June 6th, 2008 at 9:45 am
You’re right.
Last week, some old farmer swallowed a bunch of pesticides, got to the hospital and the fumes coming out of his throat made at least 20 ppl in the hospital sick.
The farmer died.
What i really fucking hate are people who jump in front of trains to kill themselves.
Nothing like making millions of people late.
Dicks.
June 6th, 2008 at 7:27 am
The only depressing death-related news I’ve read from Japan is those absolute bastards who have begun committing suicide with toxic fumes. They mix together househould chemicals and create a noxious cloud that not only kills them, but also sickens everyone else in the apartment building.
If you’re going to kill yourself, try not to take anyone with you. The saying misery loves cmopany does not apply here, you selfish pricks!
June 6th, 2008 at 6:29 am
No way Ca(s)nadians!
Everyone here (in Japan) loves Canada for some reason.
i think they see it as the not evil America.
Hey Swaim, you’re up on your Japan pointless news… did you hear about the man a couple weeks back who killed a girl in her apartment and then he chopped her up into small enough pieces to flush her down the toilet?
Last year there was a young man near my house who got pissed when his sister made fun of him for repeatedly making fun of him failing dental school entrance exams so he killed her and then chopped her up?
Or some boy near my house who killed his mom and chopped off her limbs. He then carried most of her body to the police station and admitted that he killed her. The reason: he wanted to see what she whould look like stapled up to the wall.
What a fucked up place eh?
June 5th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
This was one of your better blogs Swaim. I’m not only willing to pat you on the back for this one, but touch your scrote as well.
I’m with glendoor42 on the US/native americans: We’ve made admends for the whole “genocide” thing by putting their likenesses on the tackiest truck-stop shit our great nation can produce.
June 5th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Gladstone’s cat writes his funny blogs.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
What are you talking about? I told you, cats are responsible for some of the greatest literature in history. Kafka’s cat wrote everything for him. That bastard just took all the credit, and stole his cat’s work.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Why does everyone hate the cheezburger site? I think it’s amazing those cats can spell as well as they do.
June 5th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Best blog ever! I wish I was a cat… I would do nothing but lick my genitals, and sleep all day long. Now that’s the life.
June 5th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
japan is full of ninjas.they crawl every night …some of them rape the buttholes of the common salaryman while they’re asleep…..
June 5th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
cats are cool…. cats are cool…cooooooool….anfnmdflkdffdlkalkfa…
June 5th, 2008 at 11:42 am
If we’re talking Casnadian I have to give Ontario credit, if it wasn’t for Ontario most of the Scottish farming population would have starved to death in the 1800s.
As it happens Ontario is basically Scotland’s rented loft apartment.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:36 am
and pot!
June 5th, 2008 at 8:09 am
“It’s funny, when you go abroad, and mention you’re Casnadian, most people just look at you with a blank expression, trying to rememberr what Casnadia’s famous for”.
I know, 1marijuanaman, Pruane2Forever, visiblemode, moose, hockey, beer and Alan Thicke.
June 5th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Many apologies Master Swaim, but isn’t it Okinawa?
Again I’m sorry, please don’t hit me.
June 5th, 2008 at 7:54 am
It’s funny, when you go abroad, and mention you’re Casnadian, most people just look at you with a blank expression, trying to rememberr what Casnadia’s famous for.
June 5th, 2008 at 4:56 am
This is shocking serious for a cracked blog… Swaim, you are to be commended for inciting such raw emotion in your fellow bloggers. Since I know virtually nothing about American history I am at the provebial loss for words.
Maybe I should write 2 versions of the story on ‘The Troubles’ in Northern Ireland and see what kind of response it gets. Or something about that time I went to America and was asked if I was in the IRA.
June 5th, 2008 at 3:35 am
@Kingmonkey: Agreed on your earlier thesis about hats. If people would just start wearing hats again (and I don’t mean sideways/backward ball caps) then sites like “I can haz azzburger” would gradually cease to exist.
@Res Ipsa: The US post office won’t work because their too busy chopping themselves apart with bullets. I got it! Try “DHL!” Hee-hee! Sometimes I truly amuse myself.
June 4th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Swaim is now a favored human.
June 4th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
@ J-Pappi Which should tell you something.
@The Duke No they’re not.
June 4th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
rape jokes are always funny
June 4th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Yeah, but both countries have cooler scat vids than we do.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
just like the Germans, the Japanese refuse to admit fault when it comes to World War Two.
How they explain the millions of “missing” people in both countries is beyond me though…
June 4th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Ours are much better , we acknowledge that we fucked the Indians over and that it was wrong. We acknowledge that we put Japanese Americans in internment (ie Concentration) camps, and that was wrong.
The Japanese totally skip over just about any thing that makes them look bad and are still rewriting their history books to this day to absolve themselves of any responsibility of WWII
and any atrocities that they committed.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Glendoor, ours aren’t much better. We came over and gave the Indians modern technology and pretty beads for their women to wear out of the goodness of our heart, then they attacked and scalped us, making off with our women and children. This caused us to have to politely round them up and put them on reservations where they now drink themselves to death because they don’t know any better. The last part is actually true, but not the reason why they got there.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
It’s websites like 4chan and Icanhazblahblahblah that keep the cat down, man. We treat them like they don’t know how to formulate a coherent sentence when, in truth, they are responsible for some of the most beautiful written works in history.
Did you know that F. Scott Fitzgerald’s cat actually wrote The Great Gatsby?
June 4th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
@ The Rape of Nanking To fucking funny. Japanese history books read almost like this
The American stopped trading vital goods to us and then they dropped the Atomic bomb on us.
A quick synopsis of a Japanese history of WWII.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
U can haz lipitorz. I can haz cheezburger. Fuck! that kind of talk drives me insane! That’s ONE positive thing about the internet, anyway; it proves to me I wasn’t wrong about the world being full of people who should have been thrown off cliffs when they were born. The Spartans had it right, even if Leonidas was guilty of overacting.
BTW, Gillian Anderson is having yet another baby out of wedlock. It’s people like her in the spotlight that keep the black man down.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I can haz cheezburger? noz becauz of hi cholestrolz.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
They feed the cat dried fish? WTF, he can’t haz cheezburger?
June 4th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Swaim, that was just…wow. It was a wealth of random bizarre pop knowledge, I mean the cat becoming manager of a train station, the homeless woman living in a closet, the respect and morals of the Japanese people…it’s all there.
It’s the Japanese-pop-con-nirvana.
June 4th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Only the Japanese would believe that having to live in people’s closets is more humiliating than drinking a fishbowl full of semen
June 4th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Ba-ZING!
June 4th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Hey, I’ve been hiding in the Japanese closet for 70 years.