The Top 5 Nooners #3: Local TV News Is Hard Work
This week, while Ross is in the mountains of Mexico training for his new role as a Cracked columnist, we’re counting down our favorite Nooners from five to one. Coming in at number three is a stone cold classic that need only be introduced with the four oddly pronounced syllables: WIE-ner POO-pie.
Wiener Poopie
It must be hard to be a local TV reporter. You probably have to go to school for a long time, taking tons of classes on journalism and ethics and diction and all that stuff. Then you have to get an internship, hoping they’ll keep you on after the summer’s over. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get an entry-level job at some TV station in Grand Rapids, Michigan. You’ll work there for a couple of years, barely making ends meet, working late nights editing copy while your spiteful wife sits at home, stirring watered-down Kool-Aid and operating a phone sex line from your living room.
This will be your life.
Then one day you’ll get your big break. Your boss will call you into his office and hand you a script. “You won’t be on camera,” your boss will tell you, “but it’s a great human interest story. We need you to do narration.” You’ll give him a little self-satisfied nod, thinking to yourself, “No problem. I’ve got this.”
But then later on that night when you’re at home, staring at yourself in the mirror and practicing your lines, you’ll realize that nothing in your career could have prepared you for this. Most of it will be fine, the vast majority of it, really, but there will be those two words that you just can’t seem to get right.
“WIE-ner poopie,” you’ll say. “Wiener POO-pie. WIE-ner POO-pie.” You’ll inflect it differently each time, your voice rising and falling on each syllable in endless permutations. “Wie-NER poo-PIE.”
Your wife will sigh impatiently in bed. “Come to bed, honey,” she’ll say.
“I’ll be there in a minute,” you’ll say, then you’ll turn back to the mirror and furrow your brow. “WIE-ner poopie. Wiener POO-pie. WIE-ner POO-pie.”
Nobody ever said it was gonna be easy.
February 7th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
That was FOX news wasn’t it?
February 7th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
What Would Jesus Do?
Haha am I right, uh anybody?
February 7th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Those kids are buddy narco-terrorists…
But Damn it woman, pick up your wiener poopie.
February 7th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
“budding”…. buddy makes no sense, what so ever…
February 7th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
NOW THAT’S AN EXPENSIVE HAT!
February 7th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
An expensive hat filled with wiener poopie!
February 7th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
No adult’s going to waste their time on that.
February 7th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Wiener Poopie? Sounds like anal sex gone wrong… but why would anyone abduct Jesus?
I’m thinking that because the neighbors didn’t like them having a statue commemorating the so-called “White Jesus” when he’s definitely a black guy
http://www.laughingjesus.50megs.com/blackjesus/blackjesus.htm
February 7th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I love the way she says ‘it wasn’t’ at the end like some sort of disaster victim.
February 7th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
It seems the Jesus statue has gone walking with Jesus.
@ Mustafa I don’t really think Jesus was black, but there again I don’t think he was white or that he looks like the gay Norwegian he is portrayed as most of the time either. He probably had a somewhat large nose and a really good tan from walking in the desert for thirty some odd years.
February 7th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Ross, please make a remix of this newscast before it memes. Be the first. Include Soldier Boy if you can.
February 7th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
i want skag to give me a nooner.
February 7th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
you wish you could try anal sex, shit for brains. can’t go wrong in my book.
February 8th, 2008 at 5:16 am
But she was right, who would waste their time doing that? If it was me, I would pick up the offending poopie in a plastic bay and go and rub it all over Jesus and the nearby walls and then leave a message in their mailbox say “JESUS EATS WEINER POOPIE”.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
It would make much more sense to pile the wiener poopie around the Jesus statue, so that over time, it would have a log cabin of sorts. A cabin made of dog logs.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Lmao. I like the end when she say “It wasn’t. It wasn’t” so meditatingly.
February 8th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
“Hey, you’re the guy who broke the wiener poopie story, right?”
“(Sigh) Yeah , that was me.”
“Did they bug you at the station about Wienerpoopiegate?”
“Yeah, they even included that exact phrase in my birthday card.”
“Wow. Life of a big-time investigative journalist is pretty intense isn’t it?”
“Fuck off.”
February 9th, 2008 at 2:15 am
I draw tiny lines around Jesus’ written name all the time, I doodle it on my phone book cover too…..and I would definitely do it in a ransom note….
…and wienerpoopie is my new favorite insult, surpassing bitchtits and penisbreath
February 9th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
‘and referring to ween..weiner poopie? my gosh’
that made me laugh.
February 10th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Save him, Jebus!
February 11th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Harvey was right to point out the strange melodrama of the last line, too.
“It wasn’t,” her eyes began to mist as the thought of Jesus’ smiling faces once more haunted her waking dreams, “it wasn’t.”
February 13th, 2008 at 2:37 am
Uh… I hate to be the one to bring it up, but… I mean… has anyone thought of questioning the Jews?
I’m just saying, is all.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Its hard to find a Jew right now. It’s mating season, and they have all retired to their caves to lay eggs and clip coupons.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Wow, someone’s making Jew jokes on the Nooner and it’s not Ross??
May 21st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Here is a fun fact I learned about Jews.
During mating season, the female Jew will lay 4 million Jew eggs. 80% of those Jew eggs will hatch in 5 weeks and begin their careers in show business. The other 20% will refuse to leave the comforts of their eggs because of the free rent.
Fascinating !!
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:35 am
The Jews, contrary to popular belief, have nothing to do with weiner poopie.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
Swaim is the resident dog-rapist, is he not? He should be the first one consulted about weiner poopie. Unless, of course, it’s a totally heterosexual non-anal dog rapist thing.
I had no idea Jews laid so many eggs. No wonder I keep getting a “Network busy” on my cell during non-peak hours; they’re all calling Mom to hear her bitch about them not calling often enough.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Do you hear Chinese Earthquake? I found some newest news and pics about it on http://www.bigblackconnect.com/, it is a serious problem now, so what should we do?