You know what I’d do with a time machine? Grab a laptop, load up a bunch of websites with people all like “ZOMG BILL O’REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE” on them, and head back in time to the set of Inside Edition, just a few seconds before this rant happened. Ol’ Billy boy was just your average soft news douche back then, introducing Sting “cuts” with a full head of hair and flipping out on innocent teleprompter operators. The phone booth would shoot out of the floor of the set (because time machines are made out of phone booths - duh), the camerman would yell “CUT!” and O’Reilly would be all “GET THAT FUCKING PHONE BOOTH OFF MY SET!” But then I’d be all “I’mmmmm frrroooommmmm the fuuutttuuuurrreeee” and Bill cower in the corner like “NOOOO!” because, as you probably know, Bill O’Reilly is completely terrified of time travelers who talk like spooky ghosts. Seriously - he’s like the real-life version of a black chef in a 20s movie.
Anyway, once his guard is down I’ll whip out the laptop and show him all the blogs like “ZOMG BILL O’REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE,” and at first he’ll be like “What does ‘ZOMG’ mean?” and I’ll be like, “Oh yeah - it’s the early 90s and internet slang doesn’t exist yet.” But then I’ll explain to him that none of that matters, and that the important part of the story is that everyone in the future thinks he’s a dick. He’ll probably get all defensive at first, and then he’ll get angry and turn back to the teleprompter and go off on the rant that’s in this video. Then after he’s done with that he’ll start bargaining with me, like “Maybe I can be a dick now and turn into a nicer guy later?” Then he’ll get super sad and cry a little at the craft service table, and then eventually he’ll give up and be like, “Okay, fine - I accept that everyone in the future hates me.” The five stages of grief will be complete, and I’ll nod knowingly, turn around, and start walking back to my phone booth to return to the present.
Then right before I punch in the final number of today’s date on the keypad, Bill O’Reilly will call out to me. “Hey, wait a minute,” he’ll say. “What the hell are all those interconnected pages filled with text, pictures, and clickable hyperlinks?”
I’ll crack the door to the phone booth open and give a sly little wink. “It’s called the internet, Mr. O’Reilly, and pretty much everyone on it thinks you’re dick.”
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
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May 18th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Well you know what they say about Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious. They ‘ve changed the nature of the charms over the years. Now Lucky the leprechauns main worry about his Lucky Charms is his red balloons.
As a side note Mr.Clean and Lucky used to be an item, but there were some spousal abuse charges and lately Lucky has been seen in the company of Toucan Sam.The flavor of fruit and all.
GRAHAM NORTON IS GAY????????????!!!!!!!!?????!!!!?,
May 18th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I was thinking more Graham Norton but thanks buddy, from now on whenever I hear the Lucky Charms leprechaun say “they’re after me lucky charms” I’ll really know ‘lucky charms’ is secret slang for anus.
May 18th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Yeah,that leprechaun from Lucky Charms cereal, he’s gay as hell, not that there anything wrong with that, but I’m just saying.
May 18th, 2008 at 5:00 am
A 6′4″ Irishman doesn’t make him sound tough, just makes him sound tall and Irish.
I’ve been around quite a few Irish people, they’re not all tough, gay Irish people do exist.
May 18th, 2008 at 4:53 am
Seven stages of grief, nice.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:46 am
You show me a tape of Olbermann acting like a spoiled two year old and I’ll gladly add him to my list.
I said this earlier in too, size has nothing to do with the ability to kick someone ass. Look at DOB and Gladstone, who as Mace and Machete, are still two of the premium
asskickers in Rhode Island history.
Their combined heights are barely over 10.5 feet and they are still feared by the Chechnyan mini mafia, a group that traded in illegal growth hormones.
May 17th, 2008 at 12:34 am
“It’s called the internet, Mr. O’Reilly, and pretty much everyone on it thinks you’re dick.”
Actually, I don’t see how that’d bother him; it’s probably one of the biggest points in his personal plus column. I know it doesn’t bother me what millions of anonymous assholes think about anything.
By the way, you wanna kick his ass? Best not to fuck with a 6,4 Irishman right off the bat; start with smaller targets such as Keith Olbermann and work your way up from there. That guy sorely needs a beating.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I could kick that one balled Austrian paperhangers ass too.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
It could be argued we could have stopped Hitler by kicking his ass in 1932.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
“Kicking Bill O’Reilly’s ass would be a pretty pointless exercise. You just know the only lesson he would learn from it is “Hey, maybe if I was even ANGRIER things will be better.””
Well for one thing it would make me feel much better, so in that regard it would not be pointless and if he just got angrier he would just get his ass beat again and every man has his breaking point.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:18 am
This blog didn’t make any sense.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:39 am
You guys are straying from the point, being: O’Reilly is a total dick.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:02 am
Kicking Bill O’Reilly’s ass would be a pretty pointless exercise. You just know the only lesson he would learn from it is “Hey, maybe if I was even ANGRIER things will be better.”
May 15th, 2008 at 1:49 am
I’ve heard that several way throughout my life, but I just finished rereading the last two or three books so yeah the wording definitely is J.K. Rowlings.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:32 am
“The best way to say this is if you want to take a true measure of a man look how he treats his subordinates”
I know I’m opening myself up to ridicule by admitting that I know this, but you took that almost word for word from Harry Potter 4.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:09 am
The best way to say this is if you want to take a true measure of a man look how he treats his subordinates.
Still would want a chance to beat his ass though. I actually have a whole list of people I would live a chance to beat their ass, of that list, the only person who gives me a slight pause is Russel Crowe and then only slight pause.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:01 am
I’m not sure I’d want that job, either. Not because he’s big; I just wouldn’t trust him to fight fair.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Big ain’t got nothing to with being able to kick someones ass.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I wouldnt want to be the one to kick bill oreilly’s ass, he’s a big man. like 6′ 4″ or something.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
And I’m referring to the 12:30, not the 11:14.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Who is this other Jonathan? That’s not me. Get your own handle, asshole, unless you’ve been here longer than a month or so and I didn’t notice. In which case I apologize and I’ll modify mine. I’m nothing if not completely reasonable, except when I’m unreasonable.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
That was classic indeed; what a dill-hole.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
When Ross mentioned the phone booth, I immediately thought of Doctor Who, not Bill and Ted. I forgot they also had a phone booth time machine, there can be only one!
May 14th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
What a asshole, If anybody ever talked to me like that to my face, I would beat the shit out of them so hard you would have enough shit to fertilize half the rice fields in China.
See as Ross kind of pointed out O’Reilly was allowed to get away with that kind of bullshit
and if somebody had stopped him early enough you know by whupping his ass, we wouldn’t have to listen to his bullshit right now.
Ross thank you though for not linking to the Bill O’Reilly jock itch picture or is that just i Gladstone’s personal collection.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I’m on stage four.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Heaven forbid you do anything usefull with a time machine. Though I can see you going back in time and doing the same thing with Hitler.
Welcome back (person posing as?) Nick.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Wow, way to scrupulously hit all five stages of grief.
May 14th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Nick is back! The Cracked blog has now reached its pinnacle of awesomeness.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Shit. I thought I had the market cornered on being an internet douchebag.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Bill and Ted references always make me smile.
Nice nooner about the #1 douchebag in America.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Man I love when O’Reilly flips out. And then he just said “fuck it” and decided to ad-lib. The guy totally rules.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
And now it’s back.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Very funny, Mr. Wolinsky. There aren’t nearly enough references to Bill and Ted in today’s culturally deprived world.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
The video is broken.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
yes
May 14th, 2008 at 11:14 am
tyte nooner.