Cracked.com’s Headitor, (that’s “Head Editor” shortened to just one word, Sports Fans, and you’re welcome), Jack O’Brien called all of the bloggers for a very important meeting. Even Cracked and Week In Douchebaggery Superstar Lex Friedman was in attendance. I hate being woken up in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, so I was already eager for the meeting to end.
“What’s this all about, Jim,” I asked.
“Please stop calling me ‘Jim,’” Jack responded. Lately I’d been trying to establish a Batman-Commissioner Gordon relationship between me and Jack. So far, he hasn’t been behind it. Incidentally, that’s also the reason why I keep breaking in through his window whenever I want to speak with him. Also, why I keep throwing smoke bombs at his family. Lex spoke up.
“Guys, thanks for coming out today, I really appreciate it.”
“Don’t mention it, Lex & the City,” I answered.
“Don’t call him that,” Jack said.
“Anyway, the reason I called this meeting is because I want us to start shifting the focus of our articles and blog posts into a new direction,” Lex went on. The bloggers all got nervous. Me especially. Unless the new focus is “Things Found in Hannah Montana’s Trash,” I’m totally up shit’s creek.
“Why,” Swaim asked. Lex started passing around some documents to everyone.
“On these sheets, you’ll find a list of the top words and phrases people have typed into various search engines that lead them to this site. For example, about 150,000 people found us by typing the word ‘Cracked’ into Google, which makes sense.” I didn’t know why exactly that made sense, but I know better than to question Lex Friedman. “What I need you bloggers to do is to go through the other top words and phrases and start writing about that.”
“I’m not sure… You want us to pander” Gladstone said.
“I think what Lexas Chainsaw Massacre is trying to say,” I began, “is that we need more content that directly involves things found in Hannah Montana’s garbage.”
“That’s not even close to what I’m trying to say. Even a little bit. Okay, look: For example, according these records, 5,091 people found Cracked by typing ‘inspirational songs’ into a search engine. So, Bucholz, maybe you could do a post on-” Bucholz interrupted him as soon as his name was mentioned.
“I’m not doing shit. I’m gonna write about what I want, whenever I want to. Hope you fuckers like the Olympics.” He then got on his motorcycle and road off.
For a while, nothing happened.
Then, after nothing stopped happening, things started to happen. Specifically, Ross spoke.
“Is anyone else, like, totally terrified of Bucholz?” I seriously almost crapped all over the place, Bucholz is scary as hell.
“Look,” Lex said, “Like it or not, these sheets reflect the kind of content that people expect from this site. You guys have the sheets, you know what people are searching for, so you know what to write about. Just give the people what they want.” Gladstone raised his hand.
“Who’s Tupac?” I lowered my head. Gladstone is so god damned white I almost weep sometimes. I swear to Hov, one of these days I’m gonna give that guy a serious Hip Hop education. But not today. Today, I am providing you, the fans, exactly what you want, (for once). I’m going to combine what you’ve searched for with the trademark witty joke-making you’ve come to expect from Cracked.com. Today, I give you
Five Things You Apparently Want to Read About
5. Horse Cocks
Evidently, 473 of you found Cracked after googling “Horse Cocks,” and an incredible 1,359 found us by googling just “Horse Cock.” Well, we’re sorry to the 473 who wanted to see/read about multiple horse cocks, (gosh, for so many reasons), but majority rules, so we’re only going to focus on jokes with just one horse cock. In an effort to please you, the discerning horse cock enthusiast, please enjoy these hilarious observations about a singular horse cock:
“So, you’ve got a horse cock, eh? Where are you gonna use that bad boy, a Whorse House? …Hm. You know, that joke really isn’t funny unless you read it. And even then, it’s still kind of retarded.”
“So I was at a farm today doing a comparative study of animal genitalia for a friend’s birthday present and, let me tell you something: A horse penis is shockingly large. Hey, more like schlong-ingly large, am I right? What? I’m not right? Oh, I see. It is ’shockingly.’ ‘Schlongingly’ isn’t a word. My mistake. Take note, kids, because proper spelling is no laughing matter.”
That was Jokes About Horse Cocks, ladies and gentlemen, and You asked for it.
4. Suicide
“How to suicide” was one of our top phrases bringing in 1,963 readers, but “Suicide,” “Suicide how to” and “Committing suicide” also drew some huge numbers. Long story short, you folks start out looking for suicide and you end up at Cracked, so we might as well give you some suicide jokes, right? Before you kill yourself? Because you came looking for a site about suicide and you ended up on a comedy site? Because you can’t do anything right? Right? Here goes:
“A friend of mine committed suicide, and gosh, I miss him every day. Every single day.” (What a knee-slapper!)
“Knowing someone who committed suicide is like having a constant headache that won’t go away. You end up taking so many pills just to numb the pain.” (Whoa, watch out for this guy, he’s on a roll!)
“I just want my friend back.” (A hat trick of comedy!)
That was Jokes About Suicide, ladies and germs, and You made me revisit horrible memories.
3. Tupac
“Tupac,” “Tupac alive,” “Is Tupac alive,”"Tupac is alive,” “Tupac still alive,” “is Tupac still alive,” and “2pac alive” all brought in astonishingly huge amounts of readers. Granted, we do have one article about Tupac in our back catalogue, but that’s one article out of our fifty year legacy of comedy. One. Still, it seems the world wants to know whether or not Tupac is alive, and they want Cracked to be the site that finds the answer, so, after careful research, here it is:
“No.”
That was Jokes About Tupac, ladybugs and gentle-bees, and You need to get a hobby.
2. Prison Rape and Cute Animals
557 of you found Cracked.com by typing “Prison Rape” into a search engine, and 441 of you got here by doing the same with “Cute Animals.” Since neither search topic really draws huge, (re: horse cock), numbers we’ll just combine them and, hopefully, both ridiculous demographics will be pleased.
That was Jokes About Prison Rape and Cute Animals, laddies and girls, and I have to take a shower.
1. Rapetude
A remarkable 1,022 of you fine readers reached Cracked.com, (home of harmless little articles about food additives and insects), by typing the word “Rapetude” into a search engine. To be honest, ‘Rapetude’ isn’t a word I use very often. ‘Tomfoolery.’ Now that’s a word I like. ‘Marmaduke,’ that’s another one. ‘DOB’s Abs are Incredible.’ While that isn’t necessarily one word, I still say it a whole lot. But Rapetude? I don’t think I’ve ever used that one. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even heard that word in my entire ever-loving-marmaduking-life. No clue what it even means.
I asked the other Cracked Bloggers if they had any insight.
“I’m struggling with that one, too. I’m thinking it’s some kind of combination of attitude and rape. But rape isn’t an attitude. And it isn’t funny. And…and why would so many people be searching for that? Why? I hate what this assignment is making me discover about our readers. I… I just post funny videos…”-Ross
“I’m sorry, I’m still on ‘tupac.’ It seems he was some type of street poet of some kind?…This can’t be right.” -Gladstone
“Do I look like I give a shit about your worthless blogging?” -Bucholz. And, for the record, no he did not.
“Oh, that’s easy. Rapetude is having an aptitude for rape. Like, an innate proclivity for raping,” Swaim explained with way too much confidence.
“How did you know that?”
“Look, DOB, I don’t have time to teach you the in’s and out’s of rapetude.You either have it or you don’t, alright? Now, are we done here? I gotta go make a video about rapetude and- Hey! You’re dog’s a cute animal, right? Mind if I borrow her real fast?”
That was Jokes About Rapetude, you sick bastards, and I want a new job.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- Cracked Liveblogs the Final Presidential Debate - October 15th, 2008
- An Interview with McCain and Obama (In the Year 2012) - October 10th, 2008
- Cracked Liveblogs the Presidential Debate LIVE! - October 7th, 2008
- The 19 Most Ridiculous Moments From the VP Debate - October 3rd, 2008
- How to Win the Presidential Debate: A Graphic Representation - September 26th, 2008
October 3rd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
LEXY IS SEXY!!!
Also, DOB, marry me!!
i found cracked via PWoT
sorry for being boring
August 26th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Old article, but bah, I’ll say it anyway. I found you guys from this screenshot of BBloopers.com, something like that. The joke was there was an emoticon ad next to the banner ads article page for emoticons. I started reading the stuff on the screen cap, and I liked the writing enough to go right to the site and find the article. Been here for like five days since, reading crap. :p
May 31st, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Yeah I Know This Feeling… It’s Fucking Amazing The Shit People Google To Find My Site And My Sites Just A Small Fry… Check The Link For My Point…
May 15th, 2008 at 12:04 am
DOB I thought you might want to see this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeTTXnXDWcE&feature=related
proof that HM is an evil snake monster.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
That cartoon made me laugh so hard, I think I suffered brain damage.
You’re doing God’s work here, DO’B.
Never change.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
[...] Cracked recently listed the 5 Things The Cracked Readers Apparently Want to Read About. [...]
May 14th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
@ DrPayne Hey that’s great, can you write scripts over the internet?
May 14th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Probably one of the funniest articles I’ve ever read. Success. I found Cracked about 20 minutes ago… But I can’t remember how.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Actually, Jono, I am a “real” doctor. M.D. Internal Medicine. Sorry to burst your bubble.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I can’t recall how I found Cracked but I swear I wasn’t looking for horse cocks.
Great article, btw.
May 14th, 2008 at 5:26 am
100th. Great article.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:00 am
I think I came from a link on boingboing. I don’t remember which article but I got hooked immediately. Then I discovered the PWOT forums and it became like a drug. Never in my life did I witness so many intelligent people doing so much dick jokes. I’m staying here for good.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Also those pictures remind me of A-Cup from Orgasmo
May 13th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
I found Cracked by typing “top free online mmporpgs” or whatever that mmmproroprprg word is into google. I found the most hard video game bosses article.
Also I love Gladstone <3
May 13th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
That interest ain’t gonna be worth shit.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Holy Crap, it’s Bucholz! As per request, Sir, I brought that shit to the bank. Deposited that sumbitch and I am looking forward to collecting on that interest (%.5 quarterly) somewhere down the line.
May 13th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
I just googled “cracked” and I got here. Thats so weird.
May 13th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Geez…I was just trying to Google the word ‘rapetude’ and somehow I wound up here. What gives?
May 13th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
YAY! YAY! YAY! A COMMENT FROM CHRIS. YAY!
May 13th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I don’t know how I earned a reputation as the blog’s hard-ass. This is really going to hurt my chances of writing for Ellen.
Also, re: http://www.chrisbuckholz.com. That’s hilarious. How great is it that my theme music is played on the trombone?
Also, also: for the record Dan, I do give a shit. You can take that shit and put it in the bank.
May 13th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Well, I hope Jack and the rest of you Crackers learned something this week: never pander to your readers. Turns out we’re a sick, sick bunch.
May 13th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
tubgirl + cracked up (thinking funny haha…)
May 13th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Well this is all very entertaining, but where do you keep the horse cock related materials?
May 13th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I got here via PWoT and I find it amusing how many of those people ended up here via Wong’s work which is now hosted here…for those who don’t know he’d be responsible for the Suicide people, the Tupac people and roughly half of the Horse Cock people.
May 13th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I’m hearing you Jono. In fact I think DOB and Gladstone are the top dogs around here (for comedy writing obviously, not actual, displayable, useful job status). I often dream of what it would be like if they had a child. I don’t know why, but it’s not weird or anything. Further more, I don’t think a trained pig could write comedy. But thats just my opinion.
May 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Well, for a little while I kept running into it from links on News of the Weird Daily and the snopes forums. When I put it together that this was some twisted evolution of a magazine I used to read as a kid, I was hooked.
May 13th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Nazi.
May 13th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Not only is DrPayne incorrect, he’s probably /not even a real doctor/.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I’m with Flash and Keyport Sarah. I have yet to find any of O’Brien’s articles funny or even slightly amusing. I actually gave up on reading his stuff a while back after he crossed the line into pederasty with his comments about sexually abusing a minor, and I didn’t even realize he had written this when I followed the link. Unsurprisingly, it sucks, like the rest of his stuff. How many people find his articles by searching “not funny” or “pathetically lame”? Seriously, Cracked, get rid of this guy. Even a trained pig could turn out at least one good article occasionally, and I bet the pig wouldn’t stoop to beating one theme to a painful and bloody death in doing so. This guy is a poor comedy writer and should have lost his job just on that basis some time ago; however, it’d be nice to not see any more of his comments about Hannah Montana. I have a big threshold for tasteless humor, but he’s past my limits. Can him.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
The world needs more rape humor - only then can the healing truly begin.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I googled humour website, and was floored to find out thar Cracked magazine had infiltrated the net! I had read the comic hand in hand with Mad Magazine, which it turns out I was only buying for spy vs spy.
May 13th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
May 13th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
everyone needs a little horse cock now and again…..
May 13th, 2008 at 11:38 am
LMAO @ Rodrego!!!!!
May 13th, 2008 at 11:33 am
can’t…stop…laughing…
May 13th, 2008 at 11:29 am
A friend linked me to the article entitled “The 5 Most Obviously Drug-Fueled TV Appearances Ever” a very, very long time ago and I’ve been reading Cracked ever since. It was a more innocent time.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:16 am
Andy Pants, you took the words right out of my mouth.
Also, “Lex & the City” is brilliant.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Atta boy, Anonymous!
May 12th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
I just Googled DOB and got the Wikipedia article for “Daughters of Bilitis - an international feminist and lesbian organization.”
That and Dan O’Brien (An Olympic athlete of retarded proportions)’s ridiculously self-promoting website.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
DOB, nice reference to Douglas Adams.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I first read about cracked when I was smoking crack. Crackity crack crack.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I discovered Cracked by searching for “People who should be the next host of Late Night and also have chiseled abs”
May 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I looked up something about people you wouldn’t expect to be scientologists.
Thanks for ruining Jason Lee for me, by the way!
May 12th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I used to read Cracked magazine when I was a kid (seriously!). My mom would buy it for me at the local supermarket. I always liked it better than Mad, because it was just plain goofy; not trying too hard to be funny. It was also more self-deprecating than Mad…no small feat.
At the risk of sounding like an awards-show host, I must say that the Cracked website continues that goofiness in fine tradition. It even adds wonderful things the magazine didn’t have, such as dick jokes, photos of the sexy writers, banner ads and lists. As Borat might say: “High-five!”
May 12th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I found cracked from a link from maddox’s site and then I read that “letters to the first Girl I ever fingered” and was hooked from then on
May 12th, 2008 at 11:42 am
encontré este sitio cuando googled “Holy shit, I’m Cuban and am on the Internet!”. usted tenía mismo un artículo del usefull. gracias.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I first found Cracked when I googled Google. found the “internet party” video. awesome stuff. Been lusting for thine comedic genius ever since.
May 11th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
I followed the monkeysphere…
May 11th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Glendoors right. She was a commie and everyone hated her when she was alive. Sort of like Muhammed Ali who is only respected now because his Parkinsons makes it impossible for him to say anything inflamatory.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I found this website because I happen to go to Key School which was mentioned under the Most Ridiculous Sports Mascots article (we are the Obezags). One of my friends sent out a link to the school when he found our mention and I have been hooked ever since.
May 11th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
why does hellen keller masturbate with one hand? so she can moan with the other one.
hellen keller once met tupac in a resturaunt. what did she say to him? unnauansnuunusbaasnf
hellen keller and and Hitler had a baby. Who was it? Hannah montana
May 11th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I found cracked through the “Bad-Ass Bible Verses” article. I just love religious humor. I mean, Jesus, what’s funnier than millions of people believing that a supernatural invisible man cares about what they think and do. Then I found the Scientology articles, and I was hooked. Thank you, Cracked. I love you all.
May 11th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
That is because she was a lesbian communist. True look it up.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Hellen Keller was awefull at sucking dick. no joke
May 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Sweet
May 11th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Ahh shit, I just used a joke from Dude, Where’s My Car?
*commits Hari-Kiri*
May 11th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Maybe he meant to say she’ll teach them that groping each other is how you say thank you in Braille.
May 11th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Of course, sign language, isn’t going to work well for blind people.
May 11th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
In that case god bless Hannah Montana.
May 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
How about this: Hannah Montana waits outside of schools for blind girls until their teacher leaves, and then teaches them that flashing their breasts is sign language for “Thank you”.
May 11th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Last November or December I discovered my 12 year old son didn’t know and had never heard any Helen Keller jokes. I attributed this to the fact that our culture has become so ultra PC and sought to correct this gap in his Social education. Good grief ! I couldn’t let my kid be the only 7th grader on the playground that didn’t know one single, tastless cripple joke.
Anyway…. if I remember correctly, I was scanning for humor sites researching Helen Keller jokes and stumbled on this one. I’m not sure what caught my eye but I clicked on the link and have been hooked ever since.
BTW: Did you know that in the last 75 years there’s only been 17 Helen Keller jokes in circulation and only slightly more than 20 if you count jokes that are variations on the same theme?
May 11th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Mah-chet-ee, they Chechnyan seen-dic-ate huv returned. The Seen-dic-ate found you by selling eggs to Ingush in most profitable trade. We buy guns. With guns we force Dagestans to leave. One had computer. We search for “male prostitute” and found you.
May 11th, 2008 at 7:06 am
I found cracked after following a link from a political forum. Someone was using a cracked blog to back up a serious argument.. seriously.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:27 am
I found the site through a guestarticle of Maddox, actually
May 11th, 2008 at 3:14 am
I liked this because it had Lex in it.
Ahhh Lex Friedman. You so dreamy…….
May 11th, 2008 at 3:00 am
I found cracked through waynegladstone.com. Which is kind of perfect when I think about it - via Gladstone I discovered cracked and via cracked I discovered DOB. So thank you, Gladstone for bringing DOB into my life.
@Mr O’Brien (Dan not Jack): One of your funniest posts till date. From starring Lex in your editorial meetings to running scared of Bucholz to the tiger raping the elephant. Good one!
May 11th, 2008 at 2:25 am
Max,
How did this lead you to Cracked?
http://www.chrisbuckholz.com/
May 11th, 2008 at 2:05 am
erm… shouldnt you guys be focused on figuring out what popular searches DONT end up at cracked.com and trying to target those folks?
May 10th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I THINK I found Cracked ( I was on a lot of drugs at the time legally prescribed drugs, not that I have anything against illegal drugs, I did quite a bit of them before I joined the Army.
even quite a bit the first few years I was in the Army but that was a different time back when it was “Be all You can Be, and for me one of those things I could be was high.
Not like now when someone gives you a long pep talk about how important teamwork is in the Army and how important watching out for your buddy is, while standing under a “Army of One” poster. So like I was saying, I set three goals for myself when I retired from the Army and that was to grow a beard, get fat and smoke dope. I’m proud to say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.)
What was I talking about?
May 10th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I never found Cracked. I was born here. Anyway, enough of that lame shit and here’s another list of Mabism’s:
Top 5 Google Searches by Hanna Montana:
5. “Coathangers”
There are a multitude of different style of hangers. The classic metal hanger, great for jimmying car doors and abortions. Or multi-colored plastic, for her comfort.
4. “DOB”
She’s still trying to figure out who the hell he is.
3. “Suicide”
oh wait.. “Assisted Suicide, how to get away with murder”. Hanna has a whole list of people who need to be “released from their pain”.
2. “Papershredders”
After discovering someone has been going through her trash, she’s decided to make sure all those death certificates are shredded before she tosses them (she names all her dead babies). This is probably how her sex video with Gladstone got released onto the internet.
1. “CurbSTOMP the Movie Musical”
Disney and the producers of STOMP have teamed up with Hanna Montana to make the Movie Musical Event of the Summer. You’d be amazed by the music that can be made from crushing the skulls of kittens and small children.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Fragg: 11 points for giving me points in the first place.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I got here because some asshole at work told me to look at some bare knuckle boxing/Hannah Montana article.
So I did.
I guess that makes me a follower….
May 10th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I found cracked through Bucholz’s website.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
stick to hannah snake twat’s trash. i don’t know who those sad individuals are that searched for this site using those words, but don’t pander to them! pander to US!!! the ones who read this shit on a regular basis!!!!
May 10th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
God, people actually listened to my idea. I… I feel so loved.
(Runs to another room and cries)
I have been honored to serve with men and women like you, Cracked community.
May 10th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
If I could operate some sort of Photoshop thingy, my Tshirt Idea for last weeks contest would have been “I will have sex with DOB, anytime, anyplace.” I hope you’re ok with that..
May 10th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I found the website when the old big cheese asked me to write for it. Of course, that was in the days before the Cracked Blog columnists –or the “New Beatles” as we’re now called– started an internet revolution.
May 10th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I found this website from a wrestling website. It menntioned that Hulk Hogan was on the ‘most useless celebrety endorsement products ever’ list.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I found this when I read the racist disney movies article.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
“where buy uranium” brought me to this site
May 10th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I wish I could say I got here from searching hentai or furries or even 4chan, but no I got here by taking a more direct approach. I think I typed in something like “Make me laugh”.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Lucky for me, I got here thanks to PWOT.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I found it back when Cracked was on that godawful National Lampoon Humor Network.
What happened there by the way guys? Did you have enough of retarded frat boys or did they decide your dick jokes were just too sophisticated to understand?
May 10th, 2008 at 11:21 am
i found it through the guardian. i’m not even kidding. i’m so middle class…
oh my god, i just realised there’s a tag called Queen Elizabeth II….i’m off to go check it out and report you to The Guard.
May 10th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I typed in “parody of mad magazine.”
Then I found the Cracked wikipedia article, then I showed up.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Hahaha, the nicknames are cute XD
May 10th, 2008 at 9:31 am
When i try to remmenber why i came to cracked.com, my mind keeps drawing a blank.
May 10th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Bruce: 10 points for the Queen Flash Gordon Theme!
May 10th, 2008 at 6:54 am
When I see that a new DOB post is up, I shriek with delight and then read it like five times.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Flash!
Ahhh!
Savior of The Universe!
May 10th, 2008 at 5:18 am
Well Mr. MetalBrainSurgery, it doesn’t surprise me that you find my humor ‘nonesixtant’ because there was none intended. I was being serious. DOB is lame. Perhaps you just ‘heared’ wrong.
May 10th, 2008 at 2:10 am
I Googled Hannah Montana’s homepage for something to beat off to, and since arriving here by accident I’ve been converted. Which means now every time I beat off at her homepage all I can think of is aborted fetuses and the holocaust. Thanks, y’all.
BTW, glendoor42, you were right. Both my eaten posts the other night contained the “p” word.
May 10th, 2008 at 1:48 am
oh you you heared about my searches for prison rape animal adventures.
but I descovered cracked through the zombie apocolypse article, and DOB through my already flaming hatred of HM.
and @flash: I find you humor dull at best, nonexistant normaly. Hitler was funnier than you (actually he was)
May 9th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Damn Flash you think a member of the Justice League would have something nicer to say.
May 9th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I like what Flash has to say. I’ve had enough to this Dan O’Brien worship. His sideburns aren’t even that nice.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Best post ever? Bullshit. I stopped reading Mr. O’Brien some time ago on account of his cripplingly dull Hannah Montana theme though, charitable as I am, gave him another chance today. Dull as fuck. DOB is lame.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Dan, this is probably your best post ever. Except for the ifag video that’s still funny as hell.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Huh, that’s strange you would think more people would’ve found this place by searching “asian+vomit+mouth” Not that I look for that stuff…
May 9th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
DOB’s sideburns are actually chin-straps for his toupé.
Awesome post by the way.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
DOB looks like Packie from GTA IV.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
That picture for the suicide jokes: that’s class, right there.
Also, Jester: Hannah Montana broke Nick’s guitar.
Hannah Montana did a benefit concert for children with cancer. There were no survivors.
Hannah Montana did something mean to someone else.
Hannah Montana bathes in the blood of servant girls: it keeps her looking young.
Heh, I beat you too it! Beat that horse some more!
May 9th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Conan O’Brian is officially stealing ideas from DOB. I spotted on the 4-24-08 episode of Conan O’Brian a scene of Conan punching Hanna Montana repeatedly in the face!
I fully expect DOB to either condemn this travesty or confirm that he (DOB) has been secretly been writting for COB, further solidifying that he will be replacing COB on Late Night in 2009.
And just to further irritate the Cracked faithful and further beat the Hanna Montana Mabism Horse to further death, I’ll post another list of Mabism’s tomorrow. YaY!
May 9th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
How about we all post how we got to Cracked? Not because I’ve run out of funny things to say and the things I said in the first place weren’t funny at all, but because I wish to connect with my fellow blog commenters. I’ll go first:
I searched “Best Sopranos Deaths”
May 9th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
How dare you, DOB. I’m well-versed with all the great rappers: Vanilla Ice, Snow, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. . .
Oh, and way to totally rip off my idea of being funny in print. I’m so glad Tex-Mex Friedman fired you.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I’m sorry Dan but I think you’re telling fibs. When I Googled Rapetude only one link came up… and it was not Cracked.
Shame on you.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Way to totally rip my motorcycle motif, O’Brien.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I don’t recall saying that you could discuss that meeting on the blog. You’re fired.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
^ Nagger. Go nag someone else.
awsome DOB! so, when do we see the final product from Swaim?
May 9th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Stick to Hannah Montana’s trash guys. For all our sakes.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
FIRST!
I love you DOB…