The 10 Worst Ice Cream Flavors Ever (An Obituary)
I love ice cream. It’s the only dessert that when I eat it, it somehow gets into my stomach and pushes all the other food out of the way to make room for more. I’m convinced that if I were ever in a sitcom-style situation in which I were trapped in an ice cream warehouse, the paramedics would find me dead in the morning, stomach ripped open like the fat guy in 7, face down in a puddle of pralines and cream.
Thus it is with great sadness that I report to you the death of one Irvine Robbins, without whom we’d have to choose from a measly 15.5 flavors at our local Baskin.
Oh well; making it to 90 is quite a feat for a guy who spent his life constantly surrounded by cookie dough.
And in the interest of honoring the man, I think it’d be a good time to point out how crucial his life really was. Without people like Irvine, there’d be no filter between the vast uncharted territory of ice cream flavors and those 31 gleaming tubs in the ice cream parlor. There would be no one to delineate what is delicious and what is sacrilege.
And lest you think such delineation is unnecessary, I’d like to direct your attention to:
10. Wasabi Ginger
First of all, it actually burns your sinuses, like eating wasabi. Whatever points that earns for accuracy, it immediately loses for unpleasantness, which is the same reason jelly belly samplers always have jalapenos left over. And surprisingly, this flavor is from Cold Stone, the kind of class act you wouldn’t expect to make such a rookie mistake. For shame. What am I supposed to mix in, chunks of fish?
9. Fish
What am I supposed to mix in, wasabi? I actually saw a guy on Iron Chef make this when the ingredient of the day was fish. When the judges asked him why the hell he would do that, he said he was “just curious.” You know, that’s the same rationale Mengele gave at the Nuremberg trials. In case you didn’t guess, he lost the title Iron Chef and was driven from Kitchen Stadium by an angry mob.
8. Black Licorice
Hey, I know! Let’s take a “candy” that everyone hates and use it to fuel an ice cream flavor equally disgusting and black as the night! Then lets all stab ourselves in the face with our letter openers!
7. Wheat
The retarded cousin of green tea ice cream, wheat manages to be even closer to tasting like dirty ice. The hint of grain suspended on a thin bed of shit will make you wish you weren’t the kind of ignorant tool who buys wheat ice cream.
6. Pit Viper
Yes, eating it makes you badass, but is it worth it? I haven’t been able to determine whether this ice cream is flavored like the venom of the snake (incredibly deadly) or from the actual meat (incredibly putrid), but either way I’d rather prove my manliness by forcing the angry viper into the ice cream maker than by actually eating some.
5. Raw Horseflesh
IT IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE. MOVING ON.
4. Tomato
“Ketchup” would probably be a better descriptor, once you add in the liquid component. It makes me wonder if anyone’s ever made a whole ice cream burger by putting ketchup ice cream and mustard ice cream onto some beef ice cream between two layers of wheat ice cream. Then I wonder whether a situation could ever arise in which I am expected to eat something like that. Then I wonder if I have enough aspirin in the house to kill myself.
3. Charcoal
This one is a standout if only because it’s the only item on the list that you would never eat normally, and yet are expected to eat just because it’s ice cream. That’s like me dropping my car keys into some Rocky Road and expecting you to choke it down. And on top of everything, this stuff even coats your lungs with carcinogenic coal dust. Now you too can live the life of a miner!
2. Viagra
It’s ice cream that’ll make your dick hard. I’m not sure what the flavor is like, but at least it’s got that built-in endorsement going for it. On the other hand, it takes a pretty smooth operator to break off foreplay long enough eat an entire scoop of ice cream. That, and I’ll bet it makes free ice cream day at the little league game really awkward.
1. Salad
Look ice cream makers; this isn’t “cute” or “funny.” We eat ice cream because we’re not eating salad. The two are mutually exclusive, and tossing some cucumber into the vat doesn’t make it healthy. It just makes it the most retarded thing you could ever try and market to fatties. And by doing the exact opposite of what we want, you have officially made the worst ice cream flavor ever. Worse than charcoal and raw horse flesh. That, my friends, is something to be proud of.
So thank you, Irvine Robbins, for a life dedicated to shielding us from the horrors of the ice cream world. And for the record, eight out of ten of those flavors are from Japan, so if you want to solve this problem once and for all, you know who to bomb.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael waits for Cold Stone to restock Cake Batter as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
May 8th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
First!!!
May 8th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Also, wheat???? That sounds like the most tasteless icecream ever.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Pit Viper ice cream actually tastes like chicken.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
MMMmmm… Raw Horseflesh is the best!
May 8th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I guess if I had to eat some of these flavors, I would prefer them in a cold milky form.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
i had raw horseflesh ice cream when i was in japan. I was incredibly drunk and it just sounded like a good idea. It turned out it was not a good idea and surprisingly i ended the night slumped over my toilet cursing the gods for ever having made japan.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
but raw horseflesh sushi wasnt to bad when i had that
May 8th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
My favorite is dead baby ice cream with special sauce.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
where’s the political correctness? you can’t dislike a flavor of ice cream that another race made
May 8th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
The question on the rest of the world’s mind:
What the fuck, Japan?
May 8th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I absolutely hate to be the anal guy who points out something trivial, thus making himself look like a huge ass, but Josef Mengele wasn’t tried at Nuremberg. He escaped to Argentina and was never punished.
You know, in case anyone was curious.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I stopped paying attention to facts from Cracked Bloggers a long time ago. It makes life much easier.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I met someone who claimed he liked black licorice. I vomitted on his shoelaces.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Black Licorice? Isn’t he a superhero?
May 8th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I bet Irvine Robbins is as cold as ice (cream). Zing!
May 8th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
No, Black Licorice is an adult film.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
star, fucking word press.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
“I’d rather prove my manliness by forcing the angry viper into the ice cream maker”
That is the most awkward sexual innuendo I’ve heard all day.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
No glendoor, Black Licorie is an independent film maker who makes films about pink elephants, like the one sitting right next to me here with the little green man.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Why would anyone make ice-dream flavour based on a non-fruit (that is not a vegetable) source? Are we going to put candy in hot dogs now? My mom (remember Mother’s Day, people!) once saw someone puke after eating fried rice (spicy) with chocolate cake. Let that be a lesson.
Although green tea ice-cream can taste good, it has to be sweet and creamy enough for that.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
@Wild_Marker I was talking about Black LICORICE, not Black LICORIE, who , while a great film maker in his own right, is no Black Licorice.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Can you get that baby-cone from Cold Stone?
May 9th, 2008 at 12:03 am
wasabi and sushi ice cream? where can I sign up to kill the people responsible.
I’d try the pit viper ice cream.
worst ice cream ever: 2girls 1cup flavor ice cream
May 9th, 2008 at 1:03 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
May 9th, 2008 at 3:21 am
[...] So thank you, Irvine Robbins, for a life dedicated to shielding us from the horrors of the ice cream world. And for the record, eight out of ten of those flavors are from Japan, so if you want to solve this problem once and for all, you know who to bomb. A great post from the dream man: Micheal Swaim [...]
May 9th, 2008 at 4:12 am
Up in Bar Harbor, Maine, you can seriously buy LOBSTER ice cream, Yes that is ice cream with chunks of lobster suspended within. No joke. [the store is Emack & Bolio's, IIRC].
May 9th, 2008 at 4:48 am
Now it’s gonna post twice; I can tell. Fucking wordpress.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:51 am
Or not at all. Wow, wonder what I said to get edited? There apparently are boundaries here after all.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:49 am
@Metal:
May 9th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Damnit. Let’s try that again:
@Metal: HUUUURL!
May 9th, 2008 at 8:34 am
WordPress won’t let me comment when the word p0rn is in the comment. Which is why I said adult film instead of p0rn
May 9th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I worked at a Coldstone when i lived in Wyoming, and the worst thing anyone ever asked for, was to have sugar free sweet cream with ritz crackers and grape skittles in it. He would bring the crackers and skittles, every week. The only thing worse was that i had to dance and sing for the obvious child molester when he put a dollar into the tip jar.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:36 am
@Metalbrainsurgery: I’ll see glendoor’s HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! and raise him a OMFGILMAO!!!!!!!
May 9th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Mmmm… 2 girls 1 scoop!
May 9th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
ALL of Cold Stone’s ice cream is crap. Then they think because they mix cheap-ass candy into it and sing you a sing they can financially rape you for some shitty, candy-laden crap that I’m not even really sure is ice cream. America’s fascination with this chain is more proof that our palates are gradually being stripped of all sensory perception.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Black licorice is that colour not because of aniseed, but because it has no damn soul.
Just like how mixing a Black Jack shooter, Jack Daniels and black Sambucca, tastes like black licorice. And then completely fucks you up.
Coincidence? I think fucking not.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
My grandfather used to work in a candy factory. He never used to let my Mom and aunts and uncle eat the licorice stuff because it’s just the combined leftover crap from everything else. It’s flavored with licorice since it’s so pungent it covers everything else up. The black color they add covers up all of the other dyes that are in it as well.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
And it’s not aniseseed they use to flavor licorice…it’s licorice dammit! Similar flavors, but totally different plants.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
“tossing some cucumber into the vat”
Heh.
Enough said.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:58 am
BearMan, that was a loose appropriation of facts leading up to a joke.
Thank you, for so many things.
May 10th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Charcoal ice cream is actually very nice, its pretty much like vanilla. And the wasabi ice cream I have had isn’t like having a mouthful of hot wasabi with your sushi, it has only a hint of heat like chili in your hot chocolate.
Lavender and Sweet potato is one of my favourites at the moment.
The worst I have had would have been sea water ice cream - ice cream with a salt taste!!
Japanese Ice Cream
May 12th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
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May 12th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
[...] Today’s cause of laughing maniacally in the workplace comes from Cracked.com’s The 10 Worst Ice Cream Flavors Ever (An Obituary): Feel free to check the link for the other [...]
May 14th, 2008 at 2:14 am
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May 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
On the UK apprentice, they made an avocado and chilli icecream. Sounded gross. x
May 15th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Licorice ice cream’s actually great! I was addicted to it when I was a kid. The others do sound gross.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
black licorice is awesome, and so is licorice sauce on ice cream. salmiak rules a bit less but it rules too. maybe americans and southern people are just too pussy for it