When is the world going to end? That depends on who you ask. Scientists say the sun will burn out in a couple billion years, Nostradamus had it down to an exact date (December 20, 2012), and Jehovah’s Witnesses have struck out numerous times, predicting all-out apocalypse in 1914, 1918, 1925, 1941, 1975, and 1994. I appreciate all of their efforts, but guess what? They’re all wrong. I can’t give you an exact date, but I can easily tell you what year the world is going to end.
The world is going to end in 2022.
Why 2022? It’s not Peak Oil, global warming, or terrorism that I’m concerned about. No - 2022 is the year that kids who are 7 years old right now will be turning 21. That means that 2022 will be the year that today’s 7-year-olds will be legally allowed to drink alcohol, which means that 2022 will be the year that bars become overrun with people who have fond childhood memories of seeing Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
Will they remember Terminator 2? What about Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure or Back To The Future? What will they say of these movies? “Oh,” they’ll say, “Aren’t those, like, old movies? I don’t like old movies.” Then they’ll ask the bartender for some crazy futuristic drink that I’ve never heard of, and then they’ll turn back to their friends to wax nostalgic about that movie they saw when they were 7 years old with all the rapping CG chihuahuas, and I’ll return to Gladstone’s birthday party (89 years young!) and stew in the corner, nursing my whiskey and muttering to nobody in particular about how the world has gone to hell in a handbasket.
But then God will be like, “What the fuck?!” and smite everyone, because CG chihuahuas?! COME ON. He must have said SOMETHING about that in the Bible, right?
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
- The 10 Commandments of Facebook - September 10th, 2008
- Email Spamming 101: The A-Z Guide To Becoming Human Garbage - August 27th, 2008
- The (Mentally Ill) Idiot's Guide To Amazon.com - August 13th, 2008
August 29th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I’m still flabbergasted that nobody else misread the “rapping CG chihuahuas” line and called Swaim in.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:32 am
That comes out on my birthday.
First year I can legally drink, but will still be the most depressing birthday ever.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Anyone who enjoys this trailer is more disgusting than Josef Fritzl.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:40 am
im sorry if that came out wrong
May 10th, 2008 at 9:38 am
im pretty sure chihuahuas originated in china also that trailer made me hate my own chihuahua who looks less real than the cg ones
except for the rapping and dancing oh my god what the fuck where disney thinking they have totally run out of ideas
May 9th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Kill me. Now. Please.
Incidentally, and contrary to the trailer’s claims, chihahuas weren’t dogs of war. They were, however, sacrificed to appease Aztec gods.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:11 am
I feel like it’s time comment on the blog some more.
1. That trailer was every bit as obnoxious as the one for Happy Feet, just more bizarre.
2. Thank God my kids are older now and I’m no longer required by law to take them every single f***ing CGI movie that comes out.
3. Forget George Lopez… if Carlos Santanna winds up being on the soundtrack, I will weep.
May 9th, 2008 at 12:09 am
Well sir lbh I shant discontinue with my non queens english, for some times I happen to fancy speaking like an illiterate feline.
ZOMG PWNT U FOOLZ!! NOM NOM NOM. IZ A EFFING KITTEH!
May 8th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Litter was nine, one died. I have a flat coat retriever, a husky, a silky Terrier( looks like a big yorkie), a small poodle and eight puppy silky poos. they are nothing like rat dogs, little yippy dogs maybe, but not rat dogs.
I also have one retarded cat with no tail. Holy shit I’m missing fucking Matlock!!!!
May 8th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
@Glendoor, How big was the litter ? I thought at last count you had 12 dogs? What the hell is a silky poo anyway? That sounds dangerously close to a rat…er LAPdog breed.
@Metalbrainsurgery…”ownt” ? Knock it off with your newfangled hipster lingo! Learn to speak American damnit. I have to go watch Matlock now.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Speaking of dogs if anybody wants to buy geniune full crossbreed silky poos let me know.
350.00 shots included. Six females and two males.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
except for gladstone, thats his future father in law your talking about there.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Everrryyyyy rooooossseee haassss itt’s thooorrrrnn.
Billy Ray Cirus created Hannah Montannah, as well as this Satanic Chihuahua movie.
I say we blame him and chase him down as an angry mob with pitch forks, flame throwers, and little rat dogs that have turned upon him for mocking their little rat-doggy way of life.
No more Hannah Montannah.
We all win.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
“And lo, society had grown so decadent, so useless, so vapid, that Satan himself morphed into a Country/Pop starletard, and began creating havoc amongst the peoples of the Earth. He overpriced his concerts, he made some of his top demons into fellow pop acts, and as a final act of assholiness, he made chihuahuas dance and sing. So began the dawn of the final age of Mankind. You know, the one with the cultural apocalypse leading to a revolution of the masses and shit.”
- Fucktardicus 4:20,3
SHITFUCK! This just looks amazingly bad…and I had to jump into the bible quote trend, it’s the only thing that stops me from realizing that the “whiz kids” behind Disney Channel “programming” has finally set up shop in Disney Proper.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I think the rapture has already happened, but we missed it because there were only like two people who vanished. Left Behind my ass.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
AAAAAAAHH!!!! Chiuauas were actually a symbol of the upper class in the ancient Aztec culture! The undoubtedly satanic snake gods will bring us full circle!
“And when the Eaters of Innocent Souls yet again take up their place at the right side of the rich, and people are beign tortured by their moving paintings, you will know the apocalypse is near.” -Revelation 04.22
I always figured American meant Aztec-American! We’re screwed!
May 8th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Hell no,
An Aztec warrior wouldn’t be proud bringing that singing, dancing, piece of shit to battle.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Something about this video makes me want to hijack an airplane and fly it into the World Trade Center.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I had a dream I bit the head off of a rapping chihuahua.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:13 am
holy jesus GOD does this really exist?!!?!? this has to be some kind of chihuahua RICKroll, this cannot be possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTFOMFGROFLBRB I have to go have a seizure…..
May 8th, 2008 at 9:09 am
I love this movie. I saved it to my film folder __Blackgirlsconnect.com__.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:38 am
OH MY GOD!!!!! A chihuahua? I wasn’t expecting that!!! They were hyping it up to be something huge to raise my expectations and it is all “Who am I?” And I was all “Who indeed! I must know!” and then hilariously swerved me with “I am a chihuahua!” They were just talking about a tiny dog! A tiny dog that can talk?!??! And sing!?!?! AND RAP!?!!? Oh you really did a number on me this time, hollywood!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I think my ears are filling up with blood! Ducks don’t have thumbs!
May 8th, 2008 at 6:52 am
aaaaahhhhhh oh god get that thing off my head why did you made me see that ross, whyyyyyyy aaaaaahhhhh
god, i love being in Argentina, at least i know that movie is just too dumb to even be brought here
then again, Disney seems to be the only one without crappiness restrictions to shows brought here, so… oh no!!! that means i can see that trailer next time i go to the movies, or the other one, or the other one!!!! it will be waiting for me!!! oh god nooooo!!!!!
May 8th, 2008 at 5:54 am
you know the chihuahuas are more close to the celebrities boobs that you ever gonna be,enough said
May 8th, 2008 at 2:04 am
The world has already gone to hell in a fucking handbasket. How has it escaped your attention?
May 8th, 2008 at 12:09 am
@lbh: Don’t ruin my fantasy of Gladstone as a secret nazi agent (and possible super soldier). I stand by my last comment, because it poses three interesting ideas:
1) Gladstone is a nazi agent who was born in the ’20s
2) Gladstone’s superpowers as told by DOB are obviously the result of nazi experiments in super-soldiery
3) Gladstone’s possible allegiance to Hannah Montana, and thus the Disney corporation, are more sinister than one can imagine (because it involves nazis, proof being this movie, that talks about Aztecs while showing the ruins of Macho Pichu, the Battlestar Galactica of the Incas, is recruiting kids to raise their right hands high).
Yes, birthdays aside, I think a conspiracy theory has been stumbled upon.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
did I just type that…
May 7th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
@lbh: ownt
diseny just needs to stop making movies now and move on to henti with jessica rabbit and jamine.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
@MoreScotch4Me: Gladstone’s comment (88!) had me scratching my head. I figured it was some kind of internet speak that I wasn’t young or hip enough to “get”. Feeling like a techno-retard, I went to Urban Dictionary and found the same definitions you referred to. This had me scratching my head some more, until I re-read the blog.
“…I’ll return to Gladstone’s birthday party (89 years young!)”
Now I just feel retarded in an ordinary way.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Hey; if it wasn’t for that special blend of Aztec/Conquistador genetics, I’d have to do my own landscaping. Cut the beaners some slack.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Why the fuck can’t they use real chihuahuas? They are fucking up my favorite breed of dog here
May 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I’ll be the racist guy here for once. The Aztecs? They deserved to be wiped out. Usually the conquerers/slaughterers are just evil, but in this case the conquerors’ evil was far outweighed by the Aztecs’ evil. Theirs was a society built on conquering peoples to gain the ever-increasing amount bodies for human sacrifice on their altars.
The Aztecs were just evil.
Also, chihuahuas. They suck.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
You know Ross, you’re wrong on your date of the end times, it’s not 2022. Because it’s already happened. How else could this possibly have been made, unless we were already all dead, buried, and burning in a hot place? Think about it: Star Wars has been ruined by its own creator, Indiana Jones is an old man with an earing, Rachel Ray has her own talk show, and Mettalica goes to therapy. Oh yes, the world ended some time ago, and this is just another way for the devil to trick us to make us pay him more hell-dollars to see a movie we know is going to suck.
And by the way: “88″ Gladstone? I read in a book written by a Jew (Kinky Friedman) once that said that “88″ stands for “HH” (”H” being the 8th letter of the alphabet), and some nazi front companies back after the war used 88 as a means of letting other nazi front companies they were in the know (HH=heil hitler). So, were you saying Disney…ah nevermind.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
an abomination. clearly.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Im fucking DOB
May 7th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I’m a little confused. Taco Bell has a talking chihuahua and it’s “racist”. Disney does it and it’s …what ???
May 7th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
And just when we thought George Lopez couldn’t get any more racist….
(((On a side note, d’you think maybe that Papi is the dog of the Snake Monster?)))
May 7th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Holy Crap, I know that song…and I thought I had blocked that out. Fuck now it is stuck in my brain.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Me? Jealous? Ha!
May 7th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I do agree that this movie is the work of evil though. deep evil from the depthes of the earth
May 7th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
The Seventh Day Adventist were the ones who kept changing the date of the apocalypse.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Um, actually, Jehovah’s witnesses as a whole have never believed that a fixed date was going to be the beginning of armageddon. they beleive that the end is going to come at a time when people least expect it, just like the bible says, I forget the exact verse. Any one who claims to be a witness and says otherwise is not a wittness. next time one calls at your door you should ask them about it.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
the idea is awful, but their CG is getting really good. those dogs walked like real and the one that played the drum with its back leg would’ve fooled me. Blogger-induced prejudices aside, i would at least vote in favor of the aesthetics of this movie.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
People will go and people will see. I’m am somehow indifferent, escpecialy since i was englightened: you don’t need to point out peoples sins before shooting them.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I don’t think we have to worry. Nobody’s going to pay to see this crap. And Disney won’t let it happen any other way.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
don’t be jealous
May 7th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Fuck disney.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Is this Apocalypto from the point of view of dogs?
May 7th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I disagree with the statement that rat dogs aren’t good for anything else. They are obviously also good at rapping and providing heart-warming entertainment for the entire family.
Oh, never mind, that heart warming entertainment was my soul bursting into flames for the blasphemy of thinking rapping CG chihuahuas were not hell-hounds sent by satan to take over the world.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I don’t know. A nice Pekingese à l’orange is rather tasty.
So I’ve heard.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
The Aztecs ate the motherfucking rat dogs, Because they sure ain’t good for nothing else. They are not really great for that. They taste kind of like pekingese.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
88!
May 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
…why…rat dogs singing…in feathered hats…together…Disney…whhh *Aneurism*
May 7th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Are you accusing Walt Disney of being racist? Of all the nerve… why I never… That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever, ever heard. They would never do anything racist.
Except for creating all those racist characters.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I’d love it if it was honest. “I am descended from mighty warriors, but as a Spanish speaking descendent of the Conquistadors I most likely massacred the Mayan and Aztec people.”
Not that they would ever be that honest, apparently it’s just too ‘innapropriate’ and ‘emotionally and mentally scarring’ for the kids.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
oh and DOB yes its freakin stuck in my head as well, although after a few minutes of singing the sodomy song from faimily guy its being replaced.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
los chihuahua estan putas. dios mio, yo odio perros rat.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
!Mis Dios!
May 7th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Evilness to one side, am I the only one who can’t stop singing this fucking song? I watched the video, hated it passionately and got even more furious when I couldn’t get the song out of my head. So I went for my run, which includes listening to an iPod just loaded with songs, roughly 90% of which feature a chorus other than “Chihuahua,” and I still can’t get it out of my head.
Filthy racist catchy bastards. George Lopez would be rolling around in his grave.
If he wasn’t still alive.
And the voice of Papi.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Waffles? Really? I would’ve gone with Bun Thit Nuong. Deeelicious.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Rapping CG blueberry waffles.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I wonder what a chihuahua tastes like. Im betting waffles. Blueberry waffles.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Ahh just what the Mayans need to protect their mysterious heritage.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Hannah Montana came up with the idea for this movie. I’m sure of it.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
And here I thought the apocalypse would have something to do with Hannah Montana. I’m kind of disappointed
In fact, I’m going to choose to believe that Montana is somehow responsible for this movie.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Although you have to admit it, Eric: making the animals talk WITH A MEXICAN ACCENT was a pretty brilliant twist, no?
May 7th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I’ve been asking myself this question for well over 10 years: “When will Disney quit making animals talk”? It seems like every time they want to make some extra money, they make a new animal or species talk. To me this only proves their lack of creativity, or perhaps motivation. The madness needs to end.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I’m pretty sure I read a different bible as a kid. I stopped reading it, incidentally, after the passage where Jacob recommends eating gum from under the pews.
That movie is enough to make me vomit so much that some of it is surely being uploaded to Cracked along with this post, so whoever reads it will likely get vomit spewing out of their network cards.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:43 am
‘This is what the LORD says: In the place where CG chihuahuas licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood—yes, yours!’ ” Kings 21:19
I’m pretty sure Naboth worked for Disney…and we are all doomed.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:12 am
“And the rats and the dogs shall mate, and their whiny yappy offspring shall inhabit the bags of the rich;
and when the ratdogs begin their song the souls of millions will be twisted.
Thus the armies of the Antichrist are born.”
–Spartacus 4:11