A big day for pornography in Cuba
If you were in Cuba this weekend, you may have been treated to the sight of happy Cubans proudly buying computers. Here in the real world, where some of us have computers in our shoes and marital aids, the purchase of a new computer might not raise any eyebrows, but in Cuba it qualifies as a very big deal indeed. You see, Cubans haven’t been allowed to have personal computers until now. (One can only imagine what primitive technology they use to keep their feet warm or to pleasure their wives with.)
The one snag is that most Cubans still don’t have access to the Internet yet - the government has long restricted access. Even if those restrictions were lifted somehow, there’s also the small matter of the trade embargo between the US and Cuba - one of the consequences being that we don’t ever ship any Internet too them (I don’t really understand how the Internet works.)
What I do understand is that computers aren’t much fun without the Internet. Sure you’ve got your word processing and your minesweeper and your disk defragmenter. I guess there’s also spreadsheets, but considering that the average monthly income for a Cuban is something like $20, I don’t imagine their personal finances are that complicated. Truthfully, computers can get boring pretty quickly. When was the last time you processed some words for fun?
However, given the recent reforms the Cuban government’s been implementing, Internet access for Cubans is at least marginally likely in the future. Which means that Cuba might actually become reconnected to the rest of the world soon, and find out what a shit-show we’ve turned it into. So in preparation for that moment, I’ve compiled some useful info for any current or future Cuban Internet pioneers (here I’m imagining that when first getting online they’ll Google “Holy shit, I’m Cuban and am on the Internet” which will lead them to this page.)
As I see it, the main problem with getting to the Internet twenty years late is that you’ll be really far behind on all the Internet meme’s that have come and gone, so you won’t get any of the references on our T-shirts. Seeing as amusing T-shirts make up something like 5% of the U.S. GDP, this is a pretty serious problem, so to ward off any chances of the demise of our sponsors, below I’ve cataloged the biggest Internet fads of the last 20 years.
Mouse Balls: If you were on the Internet back in the days when ASCII graphics were cutting edge, you probably saw this fake IBM “mouse balls” memo in your email inbox. To this very day, testicle humor remains the pinnacle of human achievement on the Internet.
Hampster Dance: Audio recordings were mastered over 60 years ago by Vikings, yet to this day, very few sites on the Internet have sound or audio content of any kind. And the reason is this fucking site.
Bert is Evil: One of the first photoshopped gag sites, it taught us some interesting facts about that Sesame Street mainstay, Bert. Hint: He doesn’t come off very well.
That Dancing Baby: An early example of 3D graphics, and an effective advertising spokesperson for the vasectomy industry.
Mahir: In 1999, Mahir wanted to have sex with you, and made a webpage about it. At the time this was revolutionary, and as it occurred at the height of the Internet bubble, I believe the site was eventually purchased by Yahoo for $5bn.
All your Base Are Belong To Us: In Japan they don’t write English very well, mainly because no-one there reads it. This unlikely confluence of events caused one of the most irritating trends to sweep the Internet.
YTMND: This stands for “You’re The Man Now Dawg,” which you Cubans probably won’t recognize as one of the most tin-eared pieces of dialog to ever be written, and the nadir of Sean Connery’s career. This site soon spawned a host of similarly themed pages - including this face melting example.
Star Wars Kid: Making fun of dorks being dorks is a little like shooting fish in a barrel. Honestly I always felt bad for this kid, and hope whichever one of his buddies put this video on the Internet lives in constant fear of being beaten to death with a golf ball retriever.
Chuck Norris Facts: This was a site full of made up facts about Chuck Norris, a martial artist who made some hilariously awful movies in the 80’s and some just regular awful television in the 90’s. No-one knows why he became suddenly popular again a couple years ago, as for the last 10 years he’s been coasting on his past success - a notion that radically redefines the meaning of the word “success.”
Snakes on a Plane: This was a poorly conceived, poorly executed movie that unexpectedly failed because it was poorly conceived and poorly executed. That it was championed by the Internet probably says something about the business and critical acumen of anonymous imbeciles.
LolCats: This is the current big Internet fad, although hopefully it will be something else by the time I finish typing this sentence.
I hope you enjoyed that, respected Cuban reader. As you’re new to the Internet, I’ll let you know that if you enjoy an article, it’s customary to provide your bank details on this page here.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:30 am
“When was the last time you processed some words for fun?”
Are you kidding? I’m up to level 28 on Open Office! I hear they’re working on a massive multiplayer version. That would totally kickass; then others would be able to see me cast level 25 Spell Check.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:58 am
‘IM IN UR CUNTRY, STINKIN UP DA INTERNETS. NOM NOM NOM’
May 6th, 2008 at 8:15 am
You should immidiatly re-direct them to youtube.
Also, cracked is linked second on google when looking for that particular sentence…
May 6th, 2008 at 8:16 am
(here I’m imagining that when first getting online they’ll Google “Holy shit, I’m Cuban and am on the Internet” which will lead them to this page.)
Hey, it does. Mission accomplished!
May 6th, 2008 at 8:18 am
I have a 10 year supply of Internet stored up, in case something happens.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:26 am
The only problem with Cuban internet is that there is constantly a Dennis Nedry-esque animation of Fidel Castro shaking his finger and saying “Ah Ah Ah You didn’t say the magic word…Ah Ah Ah You didn’t say the magic word…Ah Ah Ah You didn’t say the magic word…”
May 6th, 2008 at 8:45 am
I can see huge potential here. An entire country of people that has never been Rick Rolled… I’m pretty sure we have to do something about this. They’re one step closer. It’s just a matter of web access, so now we play the waiting game.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Just get someone to mail them a CD with Rick Astley videos on it, but label it as something else. It’s devilish in it’s cunning and simplicty!
May 6th, 2008 at 9:24 am
You know they are gonna hit links like madmen and you didn’t rickrolled them?!
May 6th, 2008 at 9:25 am
You know what? I should have read the entire comments section before posting.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Thank you for the brief history lesson. It’s nice walking down memory lane on occassion.
May 6th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I think we could of spared them the information.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:04 am
can you imagine the first cuban who gets goatse’d? I say we do them all a favor and collectively rick roll and goatse cuba all at once.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:21 am
“Senior Presidente? We received un video for difusión nacional.”
“Broadcast it, it’s probably buenas news.”
“Argh! Que esta? How can his hole strech so much to such horrible sound??”
That would be awesome, Metalbrainsurgery. In fact, completely Rickgoatsing any country sounds like mad fun.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:29 am
no 2 girls 1 cup?
no bananaphone?
ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone
May 6th, 2008 at 11:34 am
no they’d have to play chocolate rain for 2 girls 1 cup
May 6th, 2008 at 11:41 am
PLEASE…. GOD DAMMIT! gotta love the JP reference.
p.s. the image up top reminds me of “Hm… 27 channels and nothing on but cats.”
p.p.s. “shit-show”? i am stealing that one!
May 6th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
So I just went to LOLcats and if you read the comments they all talk in that gay-speak or whatever its called…quite possibly the stupidest people on the internet
May 6th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
No peanut butter jelly time?
No badger badger badger/mushroom/oh it’s a snake?
No dancing jesus?
WTF!?!
May 6th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Yay for YTMND!!!
May 6th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Does anybody remember Conan’s Walker, Texas Ranger Lever? Does he still have that thing? More importantly, is Conan directly responsible for the Chuck Norris resurgence? Even more importantly, will Dan O’Brien bring the lever back when he hosts Late Night?
May 6th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
LOL that is teh fucking awesumz! Fuck those sites are teh shit!
May 6th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
“”The only problem with Cuban internet is that there is constantly a Dennis Nedry-esque animation of Fidel Castro shaking his finger and saying “Ah Ah Ah You didn’t say the magic word…Ah Ah Ah You didn’t say the magic word…Ah Ah Ah You didn’t say the magic word…””"
Shit, someone ought to do that one
May 6th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Just to point out a small facet of LOLcats to NukeWhales here, a number of the people that post on that site (including myself) are incredibly literate. The language used on LOLcats is reffered to as Kitty Pidgin, and is supposed to represent how a feline would speak English should they develop the ability to vocalize as humans can.
Kitty Pidgin has evolved to being close to a full language in and of itself, and is being used to develop a standardised programming language called LOLCode, as well. I’ve been working with a small group of classmates at college to follow the development, and try and learn the language, just for SnG.
This has been a message from the Sigilite. Have a good day.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Oh, for fuck’s sake, what is this kitty pidgin shit??? Are people actually fooling themselves that cats going to learn to speak, read and write kitty pidgin???? These are CATS we are talking about, people!
All it is, is that basically - like everything else - the internet has also dumbed down over the years…
Think about it - from a memo which has an awesome play on words (that *cracks* me up everytime I read it) to comments on cat pictures??????????? And they’re not even funny the first time you read them…
May 6th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
SnG = shits and giggles?
May 6th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Yeah, it’s called a sense of humour there IndiePals. You don’t have to share it, but do try to permit those who do to enjoy it.
Funny ha ha. Try it, you might like it.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
According to sources that I have the Cuban are allowed to go one page and one page only
on the internets. It’s a revamped Chuck Norris page with Fidel Castro substituted for all references of Chuck Norris.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Great article by the way Mr. Bucholz.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Hey Vamp, he (or she) probably has a sense of humour, they just don’t have the sense of humour of a 5 year old or a 40 year old overweight singleton who collects kitten plates and calls her cats ‘Mr Paws’.
U’z juz beenz insultzed onz the internetz, mez goin lolz.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Thanks for your advice, Vamp. Hey, did you happen to notice that nowhere did I ask/ suggest/ demand that people stop enjoying these sites? I just mocked the hell out of the intelligence and maturity levels all such people. Also, I reserve the right to do so any time I come across any one of you in the future.
BTW, Ross, this is a she…
May 6th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I got a great idea for an April Fools joke
According to your IP, you’re on Cuba, so you’re not allowed on this site
May 6th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
They’d need their own, officially sanctioned, LOLgatos. Dos senoritas, un cuppo (I’m not remotely Spanish, but you get what I’m goin’ for there). Bananafono!
May 6th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Fastest way to get the Cubans off the internet, if necessary, re-direct them to the goatse page!!
May 6th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I can’t remember ever wanting to get Cubans off the internet.
Rascist.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
its just incase there is an internet shortage. cuba’d have to be the first to go. rick goatse-ing would do the trick nicely.
May 6th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
You left out /b /, the pinnacle of the internet.
May 6th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
RULES 1 & 2!! RULES 1 & 2!! RULES 1 & 2!!
RULES 1 & 2!! RULES 1 & 2!! RULES 1 & 2!!
RULES 1 & 2!! RULES 1 & 2!! RULES 1 & 2!!
May 6th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
YTMND sucks.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I liked that Batman thing, yeah I’m retarded, big deal.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I can’t believe you’re advertising LOLcats, the arch nemesis of Cracked.com. Who’s side are you on Chris? Ours or theirs?
May 6th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
poor cubans their virgin minds exposed to the great satan
May 6th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
4chan sucks.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
You forgot Mr T. Ate My Balls… Jesus Christ, do I have to think of EVERYTHING?!
May 7th, 2008 at 1:21 am
Hi Cuba,
Check out http://www.NeilsNotes.com
Welcome to the New World… lol.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:22 am
what about joe cartoon? who knew pushing buttons on a blender culd be so much fun.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:37 am
i try fill benk fom buht page is lie. bark ineh ma cuntree weh cull liars achallaalanngai demons and weh CUT out tehr tungs and fed them to goats
May 7th, 2008 at 7:42 am
OK, I’m a little slow… I’ve only had internet for 4 years. Mahir is the guy that SBC got the idea for Borat from? I see. They could be brothers.
Also, Goatse I was familiar with but 2 girls 1 cup…WTF??? Have any of you actually watched that? Someone once told me he would eat a bowl of shit for a million dollars. I suppose if I could raise the money, I could call him on that. And people would watch.
Humans are all fucked up.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:03 am
That dancing baby was hilarious. A good happy follow-up to the psychology experiment article. Just watch it for a while, it’s guaranteed to put a smile on your face.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:37 am
The greatest of Internet fads is not listed here, but that’s ok… Cubans will discover RickRolling soon enough
May 7th, 2008 at 11:46 am
god help any cubans who get on the *chan
May 7th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I think Cuba’s internet will be limited to only Cuban sites. The key to keeping the masses okay with their situation in a communist dictatorship is keeping them from realizing how good other countries have.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Peanut Butter Jelly Time! I was thinking the same thing when I was reading this. Story - My girlfriend didn’t know PB&J Time until I made her watch Brian do it to Peter on Family Guy. She thought it was awesome. Then I showed her the real deal. She has said when we get married, we can walk out to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4
May 7th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
You forgot to mention tallminge.com, where the term “giving head” is taken literally.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
And it requires a stepladder and an umbrella.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
fark the internet is full of tossers. the fact that “all you base are belong to us” turned into an internet phenomenon really goes to show how many virgins are on the planet.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:00 am
Welcome Cuba!
A Message from the President of the United States:
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=37&sku=E-CD00332
May 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am
You missed Real Ultimate Power (http://www.realultimatepower.net/).
May 8th, 2008 at 10:09 am
You realize we’re going to have to brief them on pirates and ninjas now, too. And possibly Maddox.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
and vikings
May 8th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
@malcador
It is now my personal calling, no, my mission from GOD ( Or evolutionary duty for the atheists/agnostics) to destroy you in fire. Sorry, I really don’t want to do it but jesus raptor fucking christ you have left me with no option.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Hell, send ‘em to 4chan. I can see the headlines now… “Mass suicide in Cuba.”
(Fuck rules 1 & 2.)
May 9th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Penny Arcade -> “What’s this? Video games? What are those?”
May 11th, 2008 at 7:36 am
There’s only one problem, you should have translated that phrase to spanish to make it work.
May 11th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Dick en una caja.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:45 am
“…the nadir of Sean Connery’s career.”
Did you SEE League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
May 12th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Actually, Xylophone, that honor belongs to Zardoz.
May 13th, 2008 at 7:46 am
how could you forget ‘Hello My Future Girlfriend’?
Also, you can now process some words online with your buddies for fun, thanks to Google Docs! World of Warcraft can suck it.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:23 pm
i’m pretty sure conan o’brien is partially responsible for bringing chuck norris back into public consciousness. although i must admit taking random walker, texas ranger clips out of context and re-playing them for a national audience is not only hysterical but also genius.