I know DOB only started telling the rest of you last week, but for months now he’s been going on about how he’s going to be the new host of Late Night.
“Segments, Gladstone,” he keeps saying. “I need segments! I can’t keep picking fights with Hannah Montana. That’s going to get old.”
“Going to get old?” I thought, but I felt I owed it to Dan — much in the way you still give money to a homeless woman pretending to be pregnant— you feel so bad that she’s delusional enough to believe she could fool anyone with a pillow under her shirt that you just have to reward the effort.
So I grabbed a recent news story —Tiffany Shepherd, the Florida High School teacher who was fired for working part time as a “bikini-mate” on a charted fishing cruise— and put it through my previously tested numeric hate machine to create a new segment:
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE.
Last 5 posts by HBN
- HBN Says Goodbye - November 24th, 2008
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
June 19th, 2008 at 8:41 am
She has a pair of sexy big boobs. Just liek many big boob women and big booty woemn I met @ PlusMeet.c o m____ hot dating club for big beautiful women, big curvy beauties and their admirers.
June 1st, 2008 at 3:22 am
[...] CNN’s Bikini Teacher Report ” … luck selling your “Hate by Numbers” segment to other shows, …http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/05/05/hate-by-numbers-6-things-that-pissed-me-off-about-the-bikini-…SAYNOTO0870.COM - Non-Geographical Alternative Telephone NumbersLists alternative geographic numbers [...]
May 20th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, but thanks for the rest.
And welcome to Hate By Numbers — Cracked’s new segment that’s all the rage among the hip barely illegal set.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I think the “other girls” were her students too. Sorry.
Otherwise, it was very funny. And I think it was a fair comment to make about her being all defending her honour, etc., and yet wearing such clearly provocative clothes. And the stupid tattoo. Remember sleeves? I still like them.
Would that I could teach fishing methodology in a job where no fishing experience is needed. I do look hot in a bikini. But, like that MLE girl, I am also underage.
May 15th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Thanks Courtney. I guess? Sorry to ruin that wet mare for you.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I love Prof Boat Ho!!!!!!! MILFs RULE!!!!!!!!!!!
I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE.
May 14th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
this is NEWS? this is the stuff CNN puts on TV? what a joke. the more you watch this crap the less you know about whats happening around the world current events.
May 13th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Very enjoyable.
Although.. I have to admit.. seeing what you actually look like, Gladstone, sort of ruins the whole “you are actually Joey Gladstone” thing I had going in my head.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:35 am
[...] something happened to me for the first time: I had an internet success. The premiere episode of Hate By Numbers lit up YouTube (by Gladstone standards) and brought me exposure like I’d never experienced [...]
May 11th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
@MLE: Oh sweetie, it must be the underage thing. I mean, he is definitely handsome - somewhat bedroom eyes, etc. - and certainly better looking than Lex *cough*cantstandLex*cough*
But hot as in more popular if girls were here hot? *shrug* I think Swaim’s not bad myself. Not sure why.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
HAH, that is too awesome for words.
May 10th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
And Chris Hansen e-mailed me only moments thereafter.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Haha, Gladstone actually e-mailed me about my comment. For anyone who has that long of a memory, the lie was that I’m over 18.
Gladstone, you’d be more popular if there were more girls on this site.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
@Mali Trust me, I don’t think Professor Boat Ho is fat.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:32 am
She looks kind of like Ellen Barkin.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:07 am
oh. okay, then.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:41 am
nooo some dude commented up there said it
“why would anyone pay for HER to hang around them in a bikini…unless they are into BBW/warthogs?”
May 8th, 2008 at 6:48 am
I in no way called her fat???? Or promiscuous. Only foolish for what she said and wore in this report.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:45 am
wtf. Shes not that fat, shes actually just not a skinny beanpole, she has a slim waist and a big bust and big hips, thats fucking hot. I am not a lesbian or anything, but I can appreciate a good body. Sure she is a slut and has a gross look but it pisses me off that because she is curvaceous you all think she is fat.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Yes. The Night.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Was the music at the beginning Morphine?
May 7th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I fully accept that back-handed compliment.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Why is Paul F. Tompkins hating on everyone?
May 7th, 2008 at 10:23 am
OMG WTF!!????!! Like I was totally surfing and came across this article!!!! Mrs. Sheppard rocks!!! She’s like the most awesomeness!!!! OMG!!! Leave her alone!!! I’ve learned all kind of things from her!!!! Like punctuation marks!!!! Before Mrs. Sheppard I was like totally not popular!!! She’s taught me so much!!! Like how eating a banana can totally get you a guy (if you do it right)!!!! Or all the videos she’s starred in on human reproduction!!! Seh’s a total star!!!!
May 7th, 2008 at 9:13 am
If Patton Oswalt and Nathan Lane had a 10 year old son, he would be Ross Wolinsky.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:26 am
It is not so new…… I saw genig has account at ~~~~~spammingle.com~~~~~, where many sexy spambots meet to talk and know love.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Amazing…she is so nice and sexy ,I seemed to see she had a personal account on the millionaire&celebs dating site “LovingRich.com” with profile and blog .what does she look for there? Don’t u want know?
May 6th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
hey Gladstone, go to my blog and steal my jokes.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Your devotion to Lex is truly inspiring Andy. Oh, what’s that knock on your door. You better answer it.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I’m sorry Gladstone, I know you’re sick of living in Lex Friedmans shadow.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I’ve heard you don’t need any help with that. Besides I’m putting the boat ho on permanent
retention. Give me something to do when Mrs.glendoor42 runs the fuck off to Casnadia.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Hey, about the story… if I went fishing with the boat-ho, could she teach me to be a master baiter?
May 6th, 2008 at 7:36 am
@Gladstone: Wow, a “Miller’s Crossing” reference. I respectfully recant the “Yetti” wisecrack.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:54 am
So you want to infiltrate her “evil liar”?
Since we all know that she is the Evil Liar (TM) you basically say you want to “infiltrate” HER which of course is no news to us and certainly has nothing to do with you saving DOB.
GLADSTONE’S EDIT: I just fixed my typo, but this was funny.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:33 am
Fine, fine, fine. I befriended Hannah as a part of a master plan to infiltrate her evil lair and, ultimately, destroy her. Not betraying DOB, but saving him, a la Gabriel Byrne to Albert Finney in Miller’s Crossing. It was supposed to be a secret, but with this merciless abuse, I had to tell the real story. Of course, now that you’ve forced me to blow my cover, she’ll be unstoppable and surely devour DOB. I hope you’re happy people.
And Andy Pants, if you compare me favorably or unfavorably to Lex one more time, I’m giving Hannah your home address.
May 6th, 2008 at 4:47 am
How about “Gladys” as a nickname? C’mon we know that’s what you want Hannah Montana to call you when she’s spanking you.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:35 am
wealthykiss dotcom
May 6th, 2008 at 2:19 am
what about… happyrock, get it? or like pleasedrock or or or like gayconcretedmineralmatter… wait
May 6th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Apart from Lex Friedman obviously.
And that first who was unintentional. Although ‘who’ you ‘who’ can ‘who’ never have too many who’s.
Atleast that’s what my mother would say.
She was an owl.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:53 am
I’m actually starting to dislike your presenter persona a little less now Gladstone, maybe you should just use phrases like ‘pissed off’ and ‘hooker-tramp’ more often.
I mean your still no Lex Friedman, but who dude, who is?
May 5th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
[...] Shepherd doesn’t think it’s her teaching …Markology - http://markology.wordpress.com|||Hate By Numbers: 6 Things That Pissed Me Off About CNN’s Bikini …So I grabbed a recent news story —Tiffany Shepherd, the Florida High School teacher who was fired [...]
May 5th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
I still think the “other girls” thing applies to the students. most of them are probably more whore-y than the teacher.
and on the subjects of nickames my nickname from school is “Brain Surgery” on acount of me having brainsurgery at 16. Does that count? or is to too long.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Altmaster, I believe MLE05 was saying that she’s underage although I read it your way at first too.
MLE, can you settle this? Tell you what, if you’re a moderately attractive underage girl, DIGG this piece once and become my cracked friend.
If your a moderately attractive gay man, do the same, but in a way that is fabulous.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Damn, poor Gladstone.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
@lbh: Technically, MLE05’s first statement was “You’re hot”, so “Yes, I’m female” would be the lie…
Whether that’s important to Gladstone or not, I don’t know.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
wow, gladstone is a deuchebag.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
@MLE05: If when you say, “(#2 is a lie)” you mean “illegal”, as in under-age, and not “illegal”, as in illegal alien, then you definitely sound like Gladstone’s type.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Holy crap. Is that guy in the video you? You’re hot!
Yes, I’m female.
Yes, I’m legal.
Yes, I’m moderately attractive.
(#2 is a lie)
May 5th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
@Anonymous: Go away Nick.
@Gladstone: Hate to break it to you, but ever since you declared your infatuation for her, your nickname has been “Hannah Montana’s Bitch”.
However, should the crusade to hate all things Hannah be officially declared old, we could could start calling you “Yetti”. Too obvious ? OK, how about “Bob”? No ?
Tell you what….if you send everyone candygrams, we’ll start calling you Jawbreaker. That’s surely a nickname any guy’d be proud to have .
May 5th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
re-edit: I think an acronym counts as nickname as long as you pronounce the acronym, rather than just saying the letters: “dob” rather than “D” “O” “B”.
As for Swaim…. lack of sleep and ideas… my mistake… unless you want to count his one syllable last name as a nickname.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
an edit to Hate by Hanna, #3:
3. Not having a cool nickname like “DOB”. (I think an acronym counts as a nickname)
btw, Conan O’Brian is officially stealing ideas from DOB. I spotted on the 4-24-08 episode of Conan O’Brian a scene of Conan punching Hanna Montana repeatedly in the face!
I fully expect DOB to either condemn this travesty or confirm that he (DOB) has been secretly been writting for COB, further solidifying that he will be replacing COB on Late Night in 2009.
(I’ll repost this information on the next DOB Report)
May 5th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Anonymous
Oh man, this happens every time. Why is that someone can’t satirize more than one thing without generating wild confusion?
This clip attempts to do two things: make fun of the puritanical and immature broadcaster, and make fun of Tiffany Shepherd for pretending that sex appeal has nothing to do with her job.
Your attacks on me as Puritanical are off base. I parody the broadcaster for his question “what if the kids go to the site and say ‘Mrs. Shepherd?’” Right. What if? Big deal. I also mock him for being so flabbergasted at the mere site of a woman in a bikini. I personally don’t care that she works there.
Next, your “other girls” assertion is just wrong. If you watch the full clip, the other girls she’s referring to are the other employees of Smokin’ Em Charters.
My attacks on her are based on her claim that people just fish in bikinis and she’s there as a fishing teacher and that’s all. Obviously that’s not her job. I mock her for wanting to portray herself as an innocent fisherwoman while simultaneously dressing somewhat provocatively for the interview.
That leaves the tatto/crabs stuff. I can’t speak to Mrs. Shephard, but if the “other girls” are dressed more skimpily than she in a bikini; if their job description is that they be hot and don’t have to have any fishing experience, then yeah, I feel empowered to make venereal disease jokes. And the tattoo joke? Well it WAS a joke. And it’s a matter of opinion, but damn, I could only see a bit of it and it looked pretty trashy to me.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Wow, talk about a “hate machine” that really missed the mark altogether.
For starters - the “other girls” she was talking about? Were girls at the school she teaches at, hence the “If any of my students went down the beach any day of the week.” She didn’t say “If they came on my boat and saw me with the other girls etc etc etc.” But you know, if you’re going to exclude obvious details to support your argument, whatever.
Oh, so having a tattoo and wearing a bikini makes you a tramp now? I wonder if you have a girlfriend or a wife. I really do, because with standards like that, everone is either a tramp, a skank, a slut, a whore, garbage-on-legs, etc etc etc.
The moral? Don’t make character judgements based on no evidence whatsoever. So you’re puritanical. That’s great. Only what are you doing on cracked? Additionally, where does it say you’re a tramp if you take an extra job you’re good at just to make ends meet? ADDITIONALLY additionally - what about all those women on the beach wearing bikinis sporting tattoos. Are they tramps, Gladstone? If so, what does that say about the ones that go nude? Should they be burned at the stake?
Get out of the 16th century, for christs sake.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Your numeric hate machine is word press? I would tend to agree as word press has caused a lot of hate in my life.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I liked this.
Keep up the good work.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
“Can you imagine the 10’s and 11’s Gladstone must be banging to rate this chick as “un-bangable”.”
I believe the Stone was once in a band so his level of bangable skanks must be pretty high.
I on the other hand just hung out drunk in a lot of places so let me say for the record that I would fuck the dogshit out of the biology teacher/fishing whore.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Wow, I would kill to be called Bishop.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
How about “The Stoned”?
May 5th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Swaim, or The Swaim, are both acceptable as nicknames, even though, in the strictest sense, it is merely his last name. Nick name, yes; imaginative, no.
Gladstone, being shortened to The Stone, would be entirely acceptable.
DOB is merely an acronym, and not a nick name. In fact, even Machete is not a nick name. It is a nom de guerre or ‘code’ name.
Robotman is more of a title than a nick name.
Ross Wolinsky has no nick name, either. (Unless you go with my previous submission RoWo.)
I had a nickname in junior high. It lasted about a year. I was called Bishop because I had hair styled like Lance Henrikson in Aliens.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I remember reading in a comment somewhere that “MiSwa” would be a good nickname for Swaim. It sounds like a Swami’s name. Thats’ another word for guru, btw.
& I remember reading something somewhere about a “Gladdy” too - altho’ I hope not. I mean, Gladdy??? What does that sound like?? What image does that bring to the mind?? Does it sound gay or het?? Does it feel like a male name or female name??
May 5th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
The rule is syllable-based.
Monosyllabic last names are acceptable as monikers, or ‘nick’ names.
Duosyllabic names must be truncated: in this case to either to Stone or Glad.
Polysyllabic names are entirely unacceptable and must be replaced with a one or two syllable word which accurately describes a character attribute, occupation, or physical defect.
Adding ‘The’ to a mono- or duosyllabic derived name is also acceptable.
In any case, last name-based ‘nick’ names can be entirely overlooked if a person has an attribute, occupation, sexual deviance, or deformity which can be highlighted as an overall descriptor.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I’m still not totally clear on the whole nickname thing. “Swaim” counts as a nickname, even though it’s just his last name, and y’all been calling The Mace “Gladstone” for the past year, which is in fact, his last name. But that doesn’t count as a nickname?
May 5th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Mehvideo
May 5th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
“…sometimes called [Stone] by friends in real life…” That’s a cry for help if I’ve ever heard one. One does not give oneself cool nicknames. Actually, what the fuck am I talking about? Everyone here does the same thing. Never mind; carry on ladies and gentlemen.
JT, agreed. I’d consider it a pretty good weekend if I spent it boning a chick on that scale. Not that she’s not a skank, mind you.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Gladstone. You are correct good sir, it borders on libel. For this I apologize.
But you still dont know what a vagina feels like (Human anyway), and I will not recant my statements concerning your sex life.
Good day to you sir.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Also, if this was a segment on Late Night as it stands today, I think it would be all the better for it.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Dear Gladstone,
I enjoyed your Hate by Numbers segment and found it amusing. It managed to cheer me up from a very furious mood brought on by an idiotic friend who is a lazy fucktard and would rather bother me than do some honest work on his own.
As a result, your calm mood while delivering the funny seemed a bit out of place. I was looking for someone to sympathize with and you made it harder on me by not being visibly angry when speaking. I also think that, regardless of my current mood, this segment would be funnier if you were angrier or at least not so indifferent to the story your reporting on.
Sincerely yours
-Kind of a Dick.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Hey! I don’t think I spoke to Ms. Shepherd’s sexual appeal in this post one way or the other. Putting “unbangable” in quotes like that is a libelous canard sir!
May 5th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Ah gladstone your just envious of all the boning DOB is going to be doing soon once he has jennifer aniston and the tonite show. Meanwhile you’ll be stuck with Hannah ’snakemonster’ Montana listening to her whine about how you didnt kill enough babies/kittens today.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Can you imagine the 10’s and 11’s Gladstone must be banging to rate this chick as “un-bangable”.
What’s that you say? “Stone” doesnt actually know what the inside of a female feels like, but instead has heard internet rumors that it feels like rainbows and sunshine? Oh ok then..
May 5th, 2008 at 10:32 am
If you’re Lorne Michaels, then why do you have a bloody dent in your head shaped suspiciously like John Mayer’s guitar? Something’s amiss, methinks.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:31 am
As the Executive Producer for Late Night with Dan O’Brien, I regret to inform you that we will not be using this segment when Dan takes over in January of next year. We’ve run a few preliminary shows by some test audiences, and it seems like everyone responds favorably to pictures of DOB with his shirt off. Seriously. This one picture of Dan digging a hole in his backyard with his shirt off received more positive reviews than oxygen. Effective immediately, (and lasting indefinitely), Late Night will consist entirely of tasteful montages of Dan doing various household chores while shirtless and, occasionally, interviews.
Good luck selling your “Hate by Numbers” segment to other shows, (Kimmel?).
-Lorne “The Lorne Ultimatum” Michaels
May 5th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I shaved it just before filming. And the weight loss plateau’d at 7 pounds. Will report as events dictate.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Didn’t you say last week you were growing a beard??
And what happened to the Weight Loss Update?
May 5th, 2008 at 9:59 am
More of a typo nazi. Fixed. Thanks.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Not to be a grammar nazi or anything, but you left the t out of deceitful in the tag “DOB is like a deceitful homeless woman.”
May 5th, 2008 at 9:44 am
I wouldn’t say no.
Then again, this past year has been very meagre pickings, including that 1-hour relationship I had a few months ago. Maybe my standards have dropped.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:26 am
@jester21 and 8legged freak. Ha.
FYI, I’m not on a mission against breasts — it’s just — c’mon, now,
Gotta play it cool.
And yes, it is a disgrace that I don’t have a Cracked nickname (sometimes called “Stone” by friends in real life) but what’s Swaim’s nickname?
And I can say, without reservation, I’m a genuine fan of all Cracked columnists on the blog and have stolen from and been ripped off by all of them. As I said in another string, it’s all about incest –the good kind– here at the Cracked blog.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:22 am
I never realized how much of a badass Gladstone is. Then again, he has utter contempt for boob fanboyism, so I guess one cancels the other out.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:14 am
damn it. hit the wrong button. Let’s try that again…
Hate by Hanna: 6 things that piss Hanna off about Gladstone.
6. Advocating an end to Mabisms.
5. Mentioning DOB by name.
4. Mentioning Hanna Montana and heaving breasts in the same blog entry.
3. Not having a cool nickname like Swaim or DOB.
2. Giving money and not an abortion to pregnant homeless women.
1. Not Curb-Stomping any kittens or small children today.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Hate by Hanna: 6 things that piss Hanna off about Gladstone.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Don’t know where the extra “the” came from; my English teacher was a tramp with big boobies too.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Don’t jump to the conclusions regarding her betrampedness; perhaps the tattoo is the symbol of some sort of Biology teacher’s guild.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:58 am
She looks very horrible in pic. I found some hot topic about her at http://www.bigblackconnect.com/, you can comment to her.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:46 am
why would anyone pay for HER to hang around them in a bikini…unless they are into BBW/warthogs?
May 5th, 2008 at 8:38 am
i’ve noticed the hate. its starting to wear us all down. anymore, these comment boards are more like kids talking in private while the parents scream about how much they hate each other in the other room. i can only imagine the turn these will take when the parents get divorced or murder each other.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I agree, that whole Hannah Montana thing is getting pretty old
May 5th, 2008 at 8:08 am
I’d go fishing with her. Let her teach me biology too.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:08 am
FIRST!!!!