The First Annual Cracked Fat Jokes Festival! Get It While It’s Legal!
I’m going to level with you: this article about fat people trying to get “being fat” a federally protected condition raises some fine points. Although it sounds like fatties trying to have their cake and eat it too, maybe with a shake and some fries on the side, there are some compelling cases by which I could be persuaded that they deserve to be protected form discrimination (most of these cases are cases of liquor).
And in a nation obsessed with body image and yet largely overweight, it’s an important issue. Whether or not someone can sue you for offering to describe their feet to them (you know, for old time’s sake) could actually affect my life very directly.
But above all else, what I gather from that article is that there’s a real possibility, in the near future, that it will be socially unacceptable to make fat jokes. And that fills me with the kind of horror known only to a fat kid being told that the funnel cake machine is still out of order.
As a blog that clearly loves the fat jokes, I think now is a good time to brace for the worst, and celebrate what we once took for granted. Give us your best fat jokes, people of Cracked. Link hilarious photos of men who are probably dead now. Show us videos of obese kids jiggling their way into their parents’ cholesterol-clogged hearts.
Let’s celebrate the fat joke, one last time, while we still can. Before the law says we have to sleep with overweight people, hire them as models, and encourage them on their road to Guinness glory, let’s memorialize their immeasurable contributions to humor. And, if we’re lucky, we may just make some people cry in the process.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael wicked rips on fat kids as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:25 am
“Find your penis, one dollar, find your penis!”
“Hey, Koolaid!”
“Fat Man in a little coat…”
Wait…will Chris Farley be banned! All his bloody jokes revolve around him being fat. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:32 am
I asked for no pickels!
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
“You have back titties”
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 am
The helmet is a bit curious. At what point during his meal is he at risk of a head injury?
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 am
youd be surprised how vicious hamburgers can get when under attack
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:29 am
I really wish that picture was a video. I just want to know how it’s physically possible for a human to eat something that large; does he have a flip top head? Does his jaw unhinge like a snake? Is he just posing for the picture before he places the whole damned thing in an industrial blender to make a cholesterol shake? And what’s going on with the stack of pickles on top?! When your burger’s so Goddamned big that you don’t have room for the pickles to go on the inside of it, you might need to take a step back. And aren’t they going to fall off as soon as he tries to take a bite? If not, how are they attached? Is a toothpick involved, because I don’t think he looks like the kind of person to let a little thing like a wooden spike stabbing his tongue and jaw stand between him and a comically oversized meal.
@lbh: I think it’s probably on account of a mental handicap. Or something else is about to happen, which further necessitates an accompanying video, because whatever it is, it’s got to be at least twelve (up to a possible fifteen) different kinds of fucking awesome.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 am
That picture scares the hell out of me. But what really scares me, is that we wont be able to make fun of fat kids.
If we don’t make fun of fat kids in school, who will we have that will lose lots of weight, and be so lacking in self confidence that they take their new hotness to the stage and pole? We might have a stripper/easy chick shortage, and ain’t no congress man who ain’t a hoe congress man.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
That man is so fat he washes his face in the amazon basin!
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
The helmut is for if/when he falls asleep. Many “large” people suffer from breathing problems and the lack of oxygen can cause them to fall asleep. Also, anybody that eats that much meat in one burger has a good chance of falling into a coma afterward.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
File under “minutia”: I can’t remember the name of that cartoon dog but that’s definitely “Double d”, from Ed, Edd & Eddy, on the far side of that helmet.
This, lends credence to the mentally handicapped theory, as I’m pretty sure that’s not standard NFL issue or DOT approved. So does this mean that it will still be legal to make fun of fat people as long as they’re retarded? Or the other way around?
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
edit comma after “This”
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:01 am
@lbh
It’s Muttley, from Dastardly and Muttley.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:17 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jw00EUh0GT4
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:23 am
Boy that wouldn’t it be a shame if the new law put Weird Al out of work. smirk
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
redact “that”.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
your mommas so fat that she uses a telephone pole for a tampon
your so fat that when you step on the scale it says to be continued.
your ass is so fat that when you sat down you got a foot taller.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
A few facts about that picture:
-The football helmet as been photoshopped in for giggles.
-At the time the picture was taken it was the largest burger in the world and if you finished it within three hours it was free.
-That guy didn’t.
-This girl did. http://www.competitiveeaters.com/images/clinton16.JPG
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:41 am
Anyone else disturbed that the side ad for this post was for ‘BBW romance.com’?
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:34 pm
@Tommy The Brat: Can you imagine the size of the shit she took the next morning? She’d have to use a turkey carver to cut it into respectable chunks that “just fit” the narrow opening of septic system.
WOW.
Plus I’d hit that.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
How are mopeds and fat chicks alike? They’re fun to ride until your friends see you on them.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Yo’ momma so fat, when she puts on her BVDs they read BOULEVARD!
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Im confused. Isnt Boulevard, Blvd. ? That joke has some factual inaccuracies.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
@Alanis: Who the hell lets their friends watch them make love to women? I find that disturbing.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Swaim, If that is the cheeseburger that is the prize in the machete fight for a cheeseburger
then you can definitely count me in. I just need the when and where’s.
That dude’s so fat when he broke his leg gravy poured out.
Yo mama’s so fat the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Dastardly and Muttley?
I think that show was called “Catch the Pigeon.”
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
“Catch that Pigeon” and it was about an airplane race.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
fatty fatty boombalatty will now be added to the list of unacceptable hate speech.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
JT, the source of the comedy is that BVD is the brand of underwear. Chris Rock then postulated that the natural expansion of width, generated in the elastic by the girth of the individual wearing the undergarment, would leave space for additional lettering. The expansion of BVD, from initials to a full length word, would be heightened if the word chosen was itself representative of broad, wide spaces, such as a street or thoroughfare.
The logical conclusion was to take a word with such a definition that, by pure coincidence contains the same letters in the same order throughout it’s composition: hence BVD becomes boulevard. The comedy, upon dissection of the joke, is plainly apparent.
ROFLCOPTER!!1exclamation point
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I, as a fat or overweight or something like that person, am for the use of fat jokes. I am for the right to make fun of everything.
I mean, american fat kids… Jeez, they put my fatness to shame.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
JT needs shit explain to him to much. I think he’s to hung up on midgets and horsefucking.
JT get some fucking internets and look some of this shit up on your own time.
PS stop fucking horses and midgets.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Dont put your hang ups on me, man. Horse/Midget fucking is an acceptable practice throughout the world. If I want to bang a Shetland pony while a midget licks my coin purse, then write a book about it, I WILL. You all know nothing of the Pacific Northwest’s traditions !!!
P.S. buy my book….
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I think I’ll pass, thanks.
Don’t want(/k) Horse/Midget cum on my hands after touching the book, after all. And why don’t you just let the Horses’s/Midget’s get it on while you (and the entire population of YouTube) watch? I’d pay roughly 14.95 for that, yes I would.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Mainly because after one thrust, the Horse would own the entire sport of midget throwing xD
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
And that is the very reason why I have 6 dead midgets buried in my backyard, Dark.
It was funny the first 5 times, but the 6th just left me feeling empty inside. So I filled that emptiness with horse cock, and wrote a book about it !!!
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I dunno if anyone corrected you guys yet (I’m waaay too lazy to read the comments) but the tv show was actually called Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines. You guys are thinking of Stop that Pigeon (which is in the theme song).
Yo momma soooo fat, I rolled over twice after sex and was still on the bitch!
Yo momma sooo fat she wakes up in sections.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Yo momma so fat, when she hauls ass she gotta make two trips!
Makes sense to me JT, when you explain it like that.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Okay, let’s see…
That dude’s so fat it takes three people to look at him, his blood type is Ragu, he’s on both sides of his family, and when he was born he gave the hospital stretch marks. Wow, four in one sentence. That enough for ya, Swaim?
Oh, and BTW, way to come through with crappy old cartoonage. And I thought _I_ knew some obscure stuff.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
fat guy at urinal: I used to be able to see the damn thing
Other guy: Why don’t you diet?
fat guy: what color? and how will that help?
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Well I have this horrible affliction of having to be right 24/7/365 soooo of course I looked it up on Wikipedia (the internet’s most trusted and reliable site since 1883)
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Really???? Yes, that was the theme song, but “stop” not “catch” the pigeon? Hmmmmm…………….
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Whats the diference between that guy and his hamburger? who freakin cares they’re both freakin huge.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:08 am
Oh no Gladstone!
Don’t be getting my mental affliction all worked up…..before…I…go…AHRGRGWGRGRGAAGAGAGAg
happy now? I just killed 3 old ladies, 9 babies, and ran over a dog (but I think he was already dead)
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:28 am
dastardly and muttley were in catch the pidgeon and wacky races… im not really sure what it has to do with fat people and how hilarious their being totally fat is…
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:01 am
By the time your crazy American cartoons arrived in Ireland there was a spin-off starring only Dastardly and Muttley. I’ve never actually seen ‘Catch that Pigeon’.
^
||
lies to cover earlier mistake
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Hey JcDent is so fat he had to lose weight to play Jabba the hut.
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
alirio made laugh. The fat tremmors leveled a few chinese villages, killing hundreds.
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Yo mommas so fat her bras are made out of sailboat harnesses.
Yo mommas so fat that when she lost her virginity she lost the guy she lost it to.
Yo mommas so fat that when she goes to the zoo the keeper of the elephant house tries to hose her down.
Yo mommas so fat her last mammogram involved a team of sherpas making a base camp.
May 3rd, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Yo momma’s so fat she ate Hannah Montana’s abortions in one bite.
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Swaim could you please tell what restaurant has that fucking cheeseburger? I’ve been staring at that motherfucker( the cheeseburger ) off and on all weekend and I think it’s bordering on an obsession and I got to have one. THIS IS SERIOUS.
May 4th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hmmm….I’m wondering what the source of this picture is. I have to admit that, looking at the photo and reading the accompanying article and the linked article with my “not-doctor”
eyes, I was rolling with laughter at the fat jokes, etc. It is funny stuff!!!!
Then the doctor side of me kicked in…”Wait a minute you bufoon! How do you know this poor fattie is not a Prader-Willi kid?”
That stray unfunny thought ruined it for me. If the guy in the picture has Prader-Willi syndrome, it would explain the helmet. And, the picture indicates that his care providers (they are generally moderately mentally retarded) are either sleeping on the job or exploiting him. Many Prader-Willi syndrome patients have been sicked on the eating contests as a source of income, because they nearly always win.
Hate to rain on anyone’s fun, but…
May 4th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Fucking doctors.
May 4th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Oh and by the way yo momma so fat when she sat on a quarter a booger popped out of George Washington’s nose.
Yo momma so fat when your dad said it was “chilly” outside, she ran out with a spoon.
Yo momma so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out (does that even make sense?)
May 4th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
‘# Tommy The Brat Says:
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
A few facts about that picture:
-The football helmet as been photoshopped in for giggles.
-At the time the picture was taken it was the largest burger in the world and if you finished it within three hours it was free.
-That guy didn’t.
-This girl did. http://www.competitiveeaters.com/images/clinton16.JPG‘
Sorry to rain on your parade doctor, but I think we’ve already had our diagnosis.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Never the fuck mind Swaim, using my superior Googling skills I found that cheeseburger.
It’s at Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania. The guy in the picture finished the cheeseburger in 7 hours and is not retarded but appearently a competitive eater. He is however a dumbass because from what I can tell the helmut IS NOT photoshopped.
The girl in the article finished the cheeseburger in 2 hours and 54 minutes.
The stats on the cheeseburger are as follows, 6 pounds of meat, one large onion, two whole tomatoes, one half head of lettuce, 1 1/4 pounds of cheese, top and bottom buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles.
They has since made several larger burgers including a one that is a massive 11.5 pounds of meat, 25 slices of cheese, 1 full lettuce, 2 onions, 3 tomatoes and 25,000 calories. This would set you back a modest $34.99. You have six hours to eat it and besides being free if you do you win $350.
All of this info can be found at my now second favorite site in the world cheese-burger.net.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
No machete fight for any of these cheeseburgers though, dammit.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Quoth: http://youtube.com/watch?v=jpHZqODkwF8
Yo mama so fat, Ben Kenobi say, ‘that’s no moon, that’s yo MAMA!’
May 6th, 2008 at 1:37 am
Sorry this is so late!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz3eThLlvyY
May 8th, 2008 at 12:56 am
I’m frustrated that it’s socially acceptable to harass smokers and tell them they’re practically committing suicide with every drag… But have you ever seen this happen to a fatty? Thank you cracked– Viva the fat joke!
PS. This is all Hannah Montana’s fault.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:53 am
budsey i am amazed at that video and the several others added by the same girl. my favorite comment was that her bouncing added a new bass line to the song
May 8th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I should probably post the video i am talking about…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKlKnXckoDg&feature=related