ROFLCon, Another Nerd Party Cracked Wasn’t Invited To
I remember it like it was last Thursday. Because it was last Thursday, and I have an excellent memory. I remember showing up to Jack O’Brien’s office (house?) with my suitcase in hand, hope in my eyes, and a smile on my face. And a flask full of Jack Daniels in my pocket. It was April 24th, the day before April 25th, a day I’d been looking forward to all year. I took a quick swig from my flask and dropped it off with Jack’s secretary. He has a “thing” about me drinking from a flask.
While on the clock.
And at 2:00 in the afternoon.
Jack can be pretty uptight sometimes, but I wasn’t about to get on his bad side. Not today. While his secretary stared at the flask, clearly puzzled, I showed myself up the stairs to Jack’s cubicle (bedroom?). I had to make sure to stay on my absolute best behavior. After all, the ROFLCon was the next day and Jack had personally selected me to appear on behalf of Cracked. The ROFLCon, for the girlfriend-having readers of the blog, is the first annual conference for internet celebrities and the founders of internet memes. All of the net’s royalty was invited: Tron Guy, somebody from Fark, Homestar Runner, those I Can Haz Cheezburger shit heads, and others. This was an exclusive party, a special gathering designed to celebrate and praise internet super celebrities.
People like me.
I wasn’t sure how much ass I’d be able to snag at this party, but my most conservative estimates put it somewhere in the triple digits. I might have to buy a U-Haul truck so I have somewhere to stockpile all of the skanky blonde hood-rats that will undoubtedly be throwing themselves crotch-first right at me. I love the internet.
Jack was waiting for me, and I could barely contain my anticipation.
“I gotta tell you, Jack, I am so excited about this party, I can’t even stand it. So fucking excited. It’s like I’ve got a Joy-Boner that’s ready to just spew happiness all over the face internet history, you know?”
“Wow, that’s probably the most disgusting metaphor you could’ve come up with.”
“All that happiness…dripping down the internet’s face.”
“Please stop.”
“Fine,” I said, even though I had no intention of stopping, “but I am so damn stoked about this party.”
“Right, well I wanted to talk to you about that,” Jack said.
“Talk about what? Talk about how awesome it’s gonna be? I have my passport, I bought a new suit and I am all packed.” I opened up my suitcase.
“Well,” Jack said inspecting the luggage. “You packed a t-shirt with your face on it, a few throwing stars…Uh…And what looks like an impossible amount of condoms.”
“Eleven hundred condoms, Jackne, yes sir.”
“Right. One shirt, four throwing stars, eleven hundred condoms, and absolutely nothing else.”
“This is gonna be a great party.” I could always buy more when I got there, too.
“Well that’s the thing, Dan. I’ve got some news. Maybe you should sit down.” I carefully closed my suitcase and sat down on the edge of Jack’s bed.
“What is it? Is it ROFLCon? Did something happen to ROFLCon? Is it my speech? Do they want me to give two speeches, because I am totally prepared to do that.”
“Nothing happened to ROFLCon,” Jack said. “The party is still happening, but we are, uh…” Jack paused. I assumed it was because he was about to give me really great news and felt embarrassed for not bringing me flowers. It’s alright, I’d tell him. Just send them along later.
“They don’t want us there. We weren’t invited,” Jack finally said. And it wasn’t the good kind of ‘We’re not invited,’ as in, ‘We’re not invited to the Getting-Punched-in-the-Dick Party.’ It was the bad kind of ‘We’re not invited.’
“What do you mean, ‘not invited?’”
“Well, I mean, they said we can still go if we want. But they won’t give us a place to stay. And they don’t want us to talk or take part in any Q&A sessions or really participate in any kind of active way. We’re invited in the sense that they can’t legally tell us we can’t go.”
“They don’t want us to give a speech? It’s a friggin’ internet celebrity party. That’s the only kind of party that I will ever be invited to.” Except for maybe that Getting-Punched-in-the-Dick Party but I really don’t want to be invited to that party anyway. I seriously hope that our invitation gets lost in the mail (genitalia).
“Seriously, Jack & Field, this was my chance. ROFLCon is the only organization that would legitimately ask me to give a speech. Ever.” No matter how many letters I send to Harvard.
“I know. I assumed they’d want us there. We’ve just gotta try harder. Maybe next year.”
“Maybe next year? ‘Maybe next year,’ you fat-headed pig? What makes you think I’ll keep dicking around on this sinking ship for another year? Listen, Uncle Jacker, I turned down jobs with Universal Studios, Google and the friggin’ Pope to be here.”
“Ok, well none of that is true.” We sat in silence for a while. Then, more silence. After an additional stretch of silence, Jack spoke up.
“I’m sorry, Dan, really. I don’t know what to say.”
“You can start by saying you’re sorry.”
“… I just did. I completely just did that.”
“Alright, then you can reimburse me for all of my expenses. And build me a bat signal.”
“No. To both of those things.”
“Fine, can I please just sleep here tonight?” He held up his cell phone.
“I’ve already dialed ‘9-1,’ Dan. I don’t think you need another breaking and entering on your record.”
“Alright, fine, Miss Mary Jack, I’ll go. Oh, but by the way, your secretary sucks. She didn’t seem to know what to do with the flask of JD I gave her.”
“Sec- I don’t have a secretary… I have a daughter. Did… did you give my four year old daughter alcohol?”
“Oh I don’t know,” I said climbing out the window. “Does anyone really give anything to anyone else?” I also might have given her a handgun. “Either way, you might want to replace her.” The last thing I heard when I fell out the window was Jack dialing another number. The number “1,” if I had to guess.
As I hid in a small ravine about 30 yards behind Jack’s house, praying that the cops didn’t have those sniffer dogs, I started thinking: What’s it going to take? Tron Guy is more famous than the Cracked Bloggers? Horseshit. Did Tron Guy get the entire planet to hate Hannah Montana? (Seriously. I did a genuine Google News search for “Hannah Montana” and this was the first headline that appeared, not at all doctored in any way:
See? And that article goes on to say–and I am for once not lying– that we should “[b]y all means hang Hannah Montana.” Cracked made that happen. Not Tron Guy. Don’t let anyone tell you different. The only conclusion I can draw from this is that we’ve surpassed internet fame completely and now we’re actual legitimate celebrities. I guess I’ll know for sure if I get invited to the next BET Awards.
Meanwhile, this is becoming a huge problem for me: What the hell does Cheezburger have that we don’t? First the Webby’s burns us, and now ROFLCon? How long? How long must Cracked.com play Salieri to the Mozart that is I Can Haz Cheezburger?
If we lose one more popularity contest to a bunch of pictures of fucking cats doing bullshit, I swear to God I’m gonna burn the internet to the ground.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
FIRST!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Ah ish teh happehness =D
Now to actually read the article….
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Mebbe I should be dialing 911 as well, in that case.
Oh, and if men grabbing other men’s crotches is your idea of a terrible party, then why the fluck did you make a LOLPOWDRDWIG of someone talking about “Magicking flutes”?
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Can I just say jackne is my favorite jack nick name. Also, in my Timberlake post I removed the joke Robertaflack O’Brien because it was too derivative of ol’ DOB.
Look, DOB.
All I can say is Led Zep never won a grammy or got a good review from Rolling Stone.
We are heroes. Heroes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
What else must you do? You have already brought that bitch down AND you bring happiness to the huddled masses. Keep on writing D.O.B. for the sake of mankind and your u-haul of skanks will be waiting.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I was reading the ROLFCon blog thing and they fucking invited the Goatse guy…the FUCKING GOATSE GUY?!?! You guys over here at cracked are getting screwed constantly. I will help you burn the internet down DOB i swear to god
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Build me a bat signal, haha.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
“I’m sorry, Dan, really. I don’t know what to say.”
“You can start by saying you’re sorry.”
“… I just did. I completely just did that.”
This is quote right here is the exact reason DOB is the funniest man in the Universe.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Dont worry Nukewhale. I didn’t attend ROFLcon in protest of DOB’s snub.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Yeah, I say we all boycott ROFLcon just to spite those bastards, Im throwing my invitation right in the bin.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I think ROLFCon sees cracked more as a news/entertainment magazine online thingy. They probably think you’re above that and are afraid Cracked will just laugh at their invitation.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
It’s like this… If you’re a bunch of band geeks throwing a party, you don’t invite the varsity football team over to drink all of your alcohol, while the flute player that you’ve had a crush on for years, but have been too scared to ask out, is in your bedroom blowing the quarterback. You protect your little nerd kingdom by excluding people like the dirty, awesome, doesn’t-still-live-with-mom-and-dad Cracked blogger.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Why doesn’t Cracked throw it’s own fucking party, make up some bullshit internet award and invite a bunch of people to Jack O’Brien’s house or the Cracked bloggers house. Call them the internet machete awards. Invite those I Can Haz Cheezburger shit heads and fucking roll them.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:16 pm
DOB, I sure could use some of those 1100 condoms. Hook a cracka up.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:21 pm
By gum, there should be a cracked party. I’m taking Gillian Anderson as my date or any Cracked reader willing to dress like her and let me call her Scully.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I know it stings DOB, but maybe you should try a different tact. You know, taking an approach that doesn’t involve you getting surly or threatening people with machetes. Just here me out. Maybe you could post pictures of yourself with crappy, white captions saying things like, “Iz just pukkeed” or Iz gonna tea-bagz Gladstonz” or something like that. Maybe you’ll start to chip away at the I Can Haz Cheezburger fan base or get accepted by those sad, neutered internet celebs at ROLFCon.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
This is retarded.
First off, Daniel O’Brien > Sex
Second, Cracked is by far the funniest shit there is.
Third, …….no thats pretty much it
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Mail (genitalia) I like what you did there O’Brien.
Seriously though I’m with glendoor on Cracked throwing its own party.
We could have a “Beat Hannah Montanta open and let her fetuses aka hard candy flow” piñata, play that new 50 cent game that hasn’t come out yet, finally watch DOB vs. Justin Timberlake.
And then the next day, a top 10 list of why the Cracked party was better than ROFLCon and the Webbies put together.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Build me a bat signal!
You just replaced Monty Python as the funniest thing in the universe (”Bring me a shubbery!”). Here’s a congratulatory, platonic, pat on the back.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:57 pm
That would be the shiznit, it would.
But her fetuses are soft, like your neck flesh before they sink their demonic herpes-ridden fangs into it.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
“First off, Daniel O’Brien > Sex”
Barney, who the hell you been fucking? I like DOB and he’s pretty damn funny but shit
maybe, Daniel O’Brien >Prison Sex, but better than sex in general , naw.
.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
That link to the article about Hannah led to a chain of windows being opened an me creeped out by HM’s Vanity Fair’s photoshoot. VF has got the creepiest assistants, must’ve hired the from the same place Franskenshtein got Igor from. Also, BR Cyrus looks like certified white trash.
I for one agree with the Cracked.com party extraordinaire and promise not to come if one is hosted. Though i’d suggest not inviting lolcatz because you hate them. Afterwards, send me the photos of airborne assault of skanks
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
One of the funniest posts I have ever read.
ROFLcon is more for people who repeat shit over and over till people laugh, sorta like Dane Cook, Cracked is actually intelligent (sorta) humor, especially when compared to white captions on frikin cats.
Who the fuck takes so many pictures of their cat anyways?
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
so yeah, I actually googled hannah montana because I didnt belive you. you weren’t lying
dude I lost my remote the other day and it was on the disney channel when I turned it on (had younger faimily over earlier) and HM was on… Before I could turn it off I heard hannah montana say something that made me actually respect her for about a half second. “I hate the Jonas brothers!”
Then I turned the tv off and realized that I almost got lured into watching it.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
dajumbles, do you have something against WHITE captions hhhmmm?
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
RACIST!
Lolz, the site is actually (sorta) intelligent. On any other given comment section of any other site, you wouldn’t find nearly as many people using proper grammatical format, or being this insanely funny.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Top 5 Reasons Hanna Montana won’t show up to Cracked.Con 08′ (you can ust that title if you want).
5. Hanna Montana has already been invited to Skanky Teens and thier White Trash Dad Con 08′.
4. Hanna Montana has a restraining order on Cracked.com bloggers and 9 out of 10 Cracked.com readers.
3. Hanna Montana’s date is Chris Hansen.
2. Hanna Montana’s inviatation accidentally got sent to Hanna-Barbarra.
1. Hanna Montana kan killz feetus’ now?
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
The best thing about Cracked.com is every time I come on here and read the articles, I always come away a (slightly) better person.
And I laugh hysterically at the same time as I learn something new, what could be better?
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Daniel, I posted a link on yesterday’s blog but in case you didn’t catch it I’m posting another url.
http://www.montanameth.org/ads/run/Sex.jpg (I hope that cheers you up a little)
I’m all for the party…umm, I mean AWARD CEREMONY. You should probably wait ’til Jack takes the family on vacation and use his place. You could have that Cory kid from Australia host it. I hear he hires himself out for these kinds of gigs now that his parents have returned from vacation.
And if the boss gets a little upset when he pulls into the driveway to find the outside of his house wallpapered with that billboard (see above url), simulated medical waste littering the yard and his neighbors up in arms, you can explain to him that this was an “official Cracked.com event” and any cost (read: damages) can be written off as a legitimate business expense.
Oh, and definitely invite the Goatse guy. After all, someone needs to clean the Port-a-potties
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I think instead of Cracked.Con ‘08 it should be
Cracked.Con ‘08
-aka Cracked.com-is-so-much-more-bitchin-awesome-than-any-other-website-created-since-the-invention-of-the-internet-ever.
Or, you know….something catchy like that
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 pm
what are you worried about? once you are hosting the tonight show you will be snagging all kinds of floozies.
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:12 am
Isn’t it only old women that watch the tonight show? I think they tape it the night before then watch it at 2:30pm right before the hit the sack for the night.
Just think of the grannies you can be banging DOB. Then when you’ve “tapped the keg dry” you can steal blood pressure medication and 20 year old candy from that dish on the coffee table.
Its win/win..
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:04 am
Gladstone, you can call me Scully any time, and frankly I’m shocked that I’m the first to offer. Where are the rest of your fans when you really need them?
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:49 am
Sorry Gladstone, you gotta lose a bit more weight before I’ll be your Scully.
May 3rd, 2008 at 10:56 am
*is uncomfortable*
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I went to that getting-punched-in-the-dick party. It was horrible. I don’t know what I was expecting.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:39 pm
^fucking like a bandit
May 4th, 2008 at 12:39 am
I was about to make an awkward ‘Danny Boy’ reference, read Andy Pants’ comment and now have nothing of interest to say. I tip my (theoretical) hat to you sir.
May 4th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Dan O’brien, you remind me of a young Jay Pinkerton. You’re awesome and hilarious. Keep ‘em comin’.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:44 am
DOB is an immortal legend for recognising and parodying how old “last thursday” has got now.
if anyone makes a comment about it being around since last thrusday, i’ll steal their eyelids.
May 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Dammit, well once you do steal my eyelids I’ll be forced to remember that I had my eyelids last thurs—
Nevermind.
May 4th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Hmmm, I thought Dan O’Brien was the Tron guy.
I guess you learn something new every day.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Indeed.
Like JUST how far two japanese supermodels will go for American money. Ahh, memories….
May 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
A cracked party is the best idea I’ve ever heard. Shotgun being Scully.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
if there is a cracked party shotgun my band playing.
May 4th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Shotgun killing Chris Bucholz with a shotgun.
That is if it pierces his robot hide.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Mah-chet-ee, the Checnyan Seen-dicate huv allied with icanhazcheezeburger. Soon your world will be filled with weeping. Our allies are most powerful. Kitties, Dark Emporess Montana. Our power is growing. No happiness for you.
Mattichot Says:”you remind me of a young Jay Pinkerton” HA! You remind us of male prostitute.
Fear the kitties, they meow: “we most popular than Dunny O Brian”
May 5th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
wow… I’ve not really thought the Cracked blogs were that good until now… you deserve a spot on the front page. no, you deserve your own damn website. and… a bat signal. and a speech at ROFLcon. you’re a funny, funny man, man. man. m. a. n. manman
May 5th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1733748_1733758_1736343,00.html
One of cracked’s articles is mentioned in the blurb about the founder of Digg (#86/100) - although cracked.com isn’t mentioned specifically, as a faithful reader I recognized the title of the article right away!
May 5th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
“It’s like I’ve got a Joy-Boner that’s ready to just spew happiness all over the face internet history, you know?”
“All that happiness…dripping down the internet’s face.”
THAT was awesome creative thinking/writing DOB!
May 5th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
xD
It gives me a stiffy just thinking about it.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Wow, why the fuck did I write that?
May 5th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
yes, this is pinkertonesque.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
you know im still waiting for loldeadbabies
May 8th, 2008 at 9:32 am
OMGZ!!!! I feel your pain, brother…..!!!
May 9th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Dob, I must share with you a dream I had last night. It was about this dude who makes a public enemy out of a teenage celebrity (sound familiar?). But this time, the shit-flinging goes both ways, and this girl is messing with the dude just as much as the dude’s messing with her. However, he starts to take shit to the next level, and climbs on top of this girl’s roof to drop stuff on her through her skylight. Then she invited him into her house and he met the girl’s little sister who was really nice and the dude realized he was taking things a little too far, and called a truce. Just throwing that out there.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I’ve been editing Hannah Montana pages on Wikipedia…
The Hannah Montana album is now sung by Miley “Snake-Monster” Cyrus and the song This is the life is now performed by Miley “Fetus-Eater” Cyrus…
more to come…