I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but we’ve been plugging Grand Theft Auto IV pretty hard this week. Some of you have probably been wondering how much free shit Rockstar has been giving us, how many sacks with dollar signs we’ve had to haul to the bank in the last week. Before today I would’ve dismissed such insinuations with a wave of my hand. “No, no - you’ve got it all wrong,” I’d say. “We’re plugging the game because we’re fans, not for material gain.”
Or at least that’s what I would’ve said before I saw this trailer for 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. Although if you caught me right after I saw it, I probably still would’ve said something like that because, you know, I thought it was a joke. But if you caught me a few minutes later, after I’d googled it and confirmed that it was a REAL video game about 50 Cent killing terrorists, well, I’d probably say something different. You know - something like “Fuck GTA IV - this is going to be the greatest video game of all time.”
The plot of the game goes something like this: 50 Cent and G-Unit play a concert in the Middle East for some reason, the promoter pays them with Damien Hirst’s “For the Love of God” (retail price: $100 million), and then some bad guys steal it and 50 has to try to get it back. It’s important to note that, according to the game’s Wikipedia entry, “much of the game is spent following 50 Cent when he is without the skull.”
Thanks, Wikipedia.
It’s been almost seven years since that whole 9/11 thing happened. (See? We TOLD YOU we’d never forget!). Why in the name of God has it taken SEVEN YEARS to start seeing video games where our favorite rappers roam the Middle East killing terrorists?! If you’re reading this, video game industry, please make a game where you play as Biggie and have to chase Bin Laden through the caves of Afghanistan… on GO KARTS. Or how about one where you’re Snoop Dogg and you have to find weed to buy in Fallujah? (Snoop LOVES weed.) Wait, no! Make one where you have to keep P. Diddy’s fancy clothes clean in the middle of war-torn Baghdad! You could call it Super Keep-Diddy’s-Clothes-Clean Man or something. Whatever - it’s a working title. If you hire me, video game industry, I promise I’ll come up with a better one. Although you should probably just hire me regardless. See all those ideas? I just made those up in like 10 seconds.
Please hire me.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
But… the black guy always dies in the first couple of minutes… h…ho..how can this idea work? NOOOOOOOOOOO
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:23 am
I like the amazing skill and luck the snipers have that pick off the driver of everything 50 rides. But it’s good to get the rage out. I would like to get some more games where I can gun fuck terrorists.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:45 am
that video was pretty awesome.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I guess rappers gunning down terrorists is better than reality: rappers gunning down rappers.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
That video was rather garbage. So. 50 Cent is able to withstand a shotgun blast to the chest (I’m aware of kevlar armor, but that would have been shredded).
50 Cent continues to engage in self-fellatio with his line of poorly thought out video games.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I, for one, am glad to see that Sierra is still pumping out quality titles. The Kings Quest and Quest for Glory series’ were both iconic were both, respectively, iconic in their sub-genres. Basically, it looks like they’re picking up right where they left off: by creating video games about douche bags with egos big enough to think they deserve video games.
Way to go Sierra!
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
To answer your original question, yes, I will take your copy of GTA IV off your hands for you.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Super Diddy Clean Clothes Man!
Doesn’t it sound like some kind of Japanese commercial/cartoon character? Fighting against the Grun-gee Ninja clan for the love of Princess Applesauce in the kingdom of Junji Brand Soap Products Conglomerate.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
“I would like to get some more games where I can gun fuck terrorists”
Fuck games, join the Army son!
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I tried to join the Marines but they rejected me for an allergy I had as a child. Of course, that was during peace time…
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Now, if the game was half as cool as the video…
And realy, why aren’t we sending 50 cent to Iraq? We only need to teach him how to drive tanks and helicopters (as pilots get killed in misterious ways) and he’ll kill every insurgent there is. Also, he’ll do it in style.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
That allergy was probably a good thing and my original comment of join the Army was pretty asinine upon reflection.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Now that I think about it, perhaps 50 shot the pilot.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Rumple: don’t forget Space Quest and Leisure Suit Larry.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Gun fuck….
That brings the phrase “I’m about to blow!” to a whole new fucking level….
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
well technically it’s not specified whether or not the thieves in question are actually terrorists, just arabs… but i can see how you made the mistake.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
hisownspace: That is a good point. However, I just assumed they were terrorists as they have guns and hide behind masks. Of course, that could be just “protesting” and protection against sandstorms.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Ross: How could I? In fact, I miss the entire “adventure” genre. Actually, this article (by way of the discussion of Sierra) has motivated me to find and replay all of these classics. Sadly, Fiddy’s jerk-off fest (I believe that was the working production title) will not be making the cut. However, LucasArts’ many incredible titles will probably be getting a bit of attention also… Monkey Island, here I come!
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
If the ending battle isn’t 50 vs. Kanye West in a surprise twist I refuse to play it!
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Yeah, and the ending cutscene is just a steadily zooming out shot of Kanye’s “line” glasses with a large crack running down the right frame….
Penis (it’s obligatory when you make a Cracked comment to say it at least once, unless you’re talking to the anti-penis Hannah “Snake Monster” Montana)
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Why couldn’t he just have been a rogue soldier?
Why did they have to go and make it the stupidiest thing in the history of time, instead?
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Andy Pants
WELCOME TO AMERICA
Population: Every idiot known to man….and cracked.com readers
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Now, woombie, that isn’t very nice!
don’t forget those idiots that have avoided our detection thus far!
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:21 am
Hey, turns out Goldie Lookin’ Chain were right - guns DON’T kill people, rappers do.
May 4th, 2008 at 3:38 am
In following my current standard of reading only the first two sentences of every blog post today, I submit the following:
Plugging Grand Theft Auto IV pretty hard is just wrong.
Did you even ask if GTA4 was ok with this invasive procedure?
You sick fucks.
May 4th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Maybe it was asking for it, you ever thought about that?
Maybe it wants to be plugged hard, what with its enticing screenshots and reputation.
Dirty dirty GTA4.
May 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
And they said robot sex was for the future….
Whazzat? Weren’t talking abo—oh. Well, I stand by what I said anyway.
May 4th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
It’s pronounced FYOO-CHURRR!, Andy Pants, and sadly it features Under Armour more prominently than robosex.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
If only it were buckethead killing terrorists. That would be a game I would play.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
It would make as much sense.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
actually, fuck fiddy. i won’t buy another action game about musicians until they release Meatloaf:Cook Till Dead.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
it will be about Meatloaf being attacked by rogue politicians and shit. he could also drive a Pinto and instead of spinners or a flak jacket, he has novelty car horns and an obscene weight re-gain to protect him.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Are you kidding? Meat Loaf would be riding a silver, black phantom bike!
May 5th, 2008 at 8:39 am
oh thats true. i must have been thinking of the WAM! duo. strike previous comments from the record.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:40 am
but the Meatloaf title would still be bad ass. for a movie or a video game. hell, he could call his new cd that and i wouldn’t even demand royalties.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Since you showed me this video, I honestly have no idea about anything in the world any more. I feel like all my assumptions are invalid.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:47 am
You know, I would probably buy a console just to get a Meat Loaf video game. It’d be all road rage on a motorcycle, scoring by the light of the dashboard, not doing ‘that,’ admitting that two out of three is not bad… man that would rock like a bat out of some place uncomfortably warm.