4 Sure-Fire Ways To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Screwing Justin Timberlake
I was supposed to be on a two week vacation from Cracked. I’d even cleared everything with my editor, Jack O’Brien. But late last night, I got a desperate phone call:
“Gladstone. Come back. I need you.”
By an amazing coincidence, a compliant and sexual curious Gillian Anderson had said the same thing to me only hours earlier. But this was different. This was Jack. And he was in a bad way. At first, I assumed he was still grieving over his ridiculous decision not to feature my Radiohead video on the home page. But, incredibly, it turned out that wasn’t it at all.
“It’s my girlfriend,” he said. “I think. . . I think she’s fucking Justin Timberlake!”
I was shocked. I’d known Jack for almost three years and not once in all that time did it ever occur to me that he was straight. But apparently, as Jack explained, he’d been in a serious relationship with Miranda “LaserBeam” Johannsen —dental hygienist and former American Gladiator— for over six months. I tried to take that all in as I quietly unwrapped the Village People box set I was about to send him for his birthday.
“Gladstone, are you there?”
“Not only am I here, but I know four simple steps to help you find out for sure.”
“Could you tell me?” Jack asked. “And more importantly, could you turn it into a column because, I gotta admit, the blog’s turned to pure crap without you the last ten days.”
FOUR SURE-FIRE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SCREWING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
1. She Keeps Grooming You To Look More White Trash and/or Orthodox Jew
Seriously, how does he do it? With a minimum of effort Timberlake can go from the kind of trailer trash who puts pork rinds on a fluffernutter sandwich to the truly devout who shuns both pork and shellfish based on passages in the book of Leviticus. Most impressive, is that Timberlake achieves both these extremes in his failed attempts to be Black. I’m not sure why your girlfriend digs this. Perhaps, her first love was Rabbi Scooter Bob Horowitz? But you know what they say: “Once white trash/Orthodox Jew in a failed attempt to be Black, never back.” So odds are good that if she’s bedding down with Timberlake, then she’ll want more of that good stuff from you.
Jack’s Score:
Yes, Jack can be made to look white trash — hell, he does that to himself by shopping at the last remaining Chess King in existence— but make this guy look Jewish? The only time people say “Jack O’Brien” and “beard” in the same sentence is when they’re referring to his girlfriend (who may or may not be fucking Justin Timberlake).
***
2. She Asks You To Get Rid Of All Your Radiohead and Pink Floyd Albums.
I’m well aware of Mr. Timberlake’s musical accomplishments: His ‘N Sync this and Sexyback that. Something about six top 20 singles off one album. Yeah, I don’t care. My heroes are Bowie, Floyd, Soundgarden, Radiohead — bands with musical growth, diversity, and staggering writing capability. Timberlake’s an entertainer. A performing monkey. Just like he was when he was eleven:
The only difference now is that he’s old enough to pull his own strings. A whore who pays himself, selling out for the next accessible trend of disposable pop music. I don’t think he’d disagree. And hey, he’s laughing all the way to the bank — or wherever dancing monkey puppet whores keep their money. A wooden banana shaped dildo? In any event, if your girlfriend is groovin’ to that crap, she’ll probably have no tolerance for your music.
Jack’s Score:
Once again, Jack is safe. He doesn’t own any Pink Floyd and the only Radiohead in his collection is In Rainbows which he downloaded for free and only listened to once after he realized it wasn’t the Rainbow Brite/Care Bears singalong album he was actually looking for.
***
3. Your Girlfriend Is An Old Lady.
The odds of Timberlake having sex with your girlfriend exponentially increase if your girlfriend is an older lady. Yes, he’s had his Britneys and his Biehls, but I think we all know that what really gets this entertainer off —besides looking like the sniveling younger brother of a bayou serial rapist— is dating older ladies. First, there was his longstanding relationship with actress (and lightweight boxer) Cameron Diaz. And now, there’s all that creepy Madonna flirtation stuff going on. I’m not saying Timberlake has Mommy issues, but… oh wait. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Timberlake has mommy issues.
Jack’s Score:
I’m not sure if Jack’s girlfriend is an older woman or not, because, at this point, I’m still not convinced she isn’t fictitious. I don’t know what would have given me that idea. Perhaps, it’s this surveillance footage that I secretly shot during my job interview for Cracked. (The other male voice in the footage is mine, and, oh, by the way, I’m totally NOT presenting this clip out of context or anything).
***
4. She Puts On A Strap-On And Refers To Herself As “Uncle Lou” During Sex
I can hear you now:
“Wow. That is flagrantly irresponsible of you, Gladstone. So what if ‘N Sync’s former manager (and indicted criminal) Lou Pearlman, is consistently dogged by rumors that all his former boybander acts had to have sex with him in exchange for fame. So what? How irresponsible of you Gladstone to imply that Lou Pearlman and Justin Timberlake also had sex. And not only that, but that Timberlake enjoyed it so much that he wants to recreate the experience when having sex with your boss’s girlfriend. And that your boss’s girlfriend got so used to it that she’s now having sex with your boss that way. How dare you. Where is your proof? Where?!”
To you, I reply:
“I have absolutely no proof. But if I’m a liar, then why are you getting so upset? Huh? Huh?”
Jack’s Score:
Here we finally have a hit! But fortunately for Jack, it doesn’t count because the whole Uncle Lou strap-on thing was apparently always part of Jack’s sexual M.O. Not many people remember that before Cracked, Jack used to sing back up for O-Town.
So congratulations, Jack. You win! Your old lady is sleeping with someone other than Justin Timberlake.
How did the rest of you score?
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I’m a little nervous.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Yaaaay! Gladstone’s back! But for how long?
April 30th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Onondera, you’re fine, she’s ugly anyway.
But swaim, that boyfriend…er….girlfriend of yours, well, keep your eye on that one.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Well, I do love to be called Uncle Lou during intercourse….and nothing turns me on like a guy named Abraham Billy Joe Elderstein.
Wait…omg…*GASP* does this mean that…I AM SCREWING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE? And I didn’t even KNOW it???
April 30th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Wait, has Justin relationship with Cameron Diaz ended? OH FUCKING HAPPY DAY!!!!!
This means I have a chance, with Cameron,…….. just for clarification.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Glendoor…not to call out your late call to attention on that but….its been over for pretty much a year or two now?
April 30th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Yes, Woombie. Remember that weird feeling you got this morning? That was Justin Timberlake. In. Your. Ass.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
And I agree. The commenters on this site are woefully uneducated in celebrity hookups/breakups. Though that could just be Glendoor’s dementia….
April 30th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I only get my celebrity news from this site so what do you expect.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Celebrity news is a huge business. That saddens me as it is a complete waste of resources. Most of them don’t need sources as they are just gossip (not facts).
April 30th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Something else , the picture of JT with the rabbi comment under it, he looks like the poster boy for crystal meth, not a jew.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Fuck you Glendoor. I spent 20 years as the poster boy for crystal meth, and let me tell you, it takes more than just vacant, baggy eyes, dead skin, and an absence of talent to work in that profession.
“What?”, you might, and won’t, ask.
Well I’ll tell you. It takes heart, goddamnit. Also, a willingness to blow rich, fat old men. Wait….. Timberlake may surprise us yet.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Yeah, he looks more like a re-animated rabi. Or meth user. Whatever. Thank you cracked, for making my hatered of Timberlake grow.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
For the record, “Reanimated Meth Using Rabi” would be a kick ass name for a metal band.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Luftwaffe’s scintillating account of the glamorous life of a meth user has left me wanting to learn more about the exciting world of drug abuse. Is there anywhere I can go to learn more about this fast-growing industry and lifestyle?
April 30th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
@ Dwain
April 30th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Yay. Gladstone’s back!!
We missed you Wayne
April 30th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Thanks G Man. That means a lot.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
What do I score if my girlfriend is actually Lou Pearlman?
April 30th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
A record contract.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Zing!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Gladstone, did you use the first google image you found of Justin Timberlake? He looks about 12 in that first pic. You sure went out of your way to find a suitable pic.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Does Reanimated Meth Using Rabi need a percussion artist? I can pull off some killer cowbell moves.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Apparently, when I masturbate, I’m putting the sexy back.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:57 am
So bringing sexy back aye Justin? well I think I just found my arch nemesis. The sexy to unsexy ratio must remain constant throughout the universe, if the balance is disturbed the fabric of space-time itself will be torn apart. Therefore I’m taking sexy away again, I’m like a black-hole of sexy, I will suck the sexy out of every romm I enter from now on, and there is nothing you can do to stop me.
MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
May 1st, 2008 at 7:24 am
Cut that out, Andy Pants! You put that sexy back where you got it right this instant, or you’re going to bed without supper. And you can just forget about going to Billy Taylor’s birthday party.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:57 am
yr boss is hot. I would totally be gay with him.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:41 am
I second that SoS. Except um, I’d be straight with him.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:04 am
All right that’s enough of that. Listen, I did NOT return from vacation to NOT be propositioned sexually.
See? Double negative. That’s sexy, right?
May 1st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
You ARE sexy, Gladstone! …and don’t you forget it.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:56 pm
i really wanna have an orgy with all the cracked blog writers and bossman jack.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:03 pm
“girl,” huh? You sound just my type.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I heard “girl” is part robot, so she’s probably chris’s.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Actually, I created “girl” specifically to rocket D.O.B. into the seat of Late Night when that seat is vacated.
You’re welcome, O’Brien.
May 1st, 2008 at 4:00 pm
hey dan, does that mean it’s on? please don’t tease me.
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:00 am
a girl going for the cracked writers, huh? And here I thought all girls wanted to do was experiment with lesbianism with Gillian Anderson at Gladstone’s tailgate party. Learn something new every day.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:41 am
must they be mutually exclusive?
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
The answer is no. Also, Ross looks very convincing in a red wig.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:34 pm
That vid of Justin at 11 is scarily reminiscent of Hannah Montana.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Kind off topic, but why are there two items in the “Swaim tried to rape a dog” catagory?
(please don’t say that “dog” is a reference to SOMEONE’S luxurious man-pelt)
Oh, and for the record, a part robot girl would be awesome. Play GTAIV on her dashboard while she blows you.
*hears collective sigh from every man in the room, including Lou Pearlman as he rides Jack*
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Because i created the tag and then DOB used it. Kind of like how I used his Jack O’Brien Hates America Tag. Kind of like how I did the first Cracked post on Hannah Montanna and then DOB made it his thing. Kind of like how DOB started making fun of Jack and then I jumped on that with this Timberlake post. Kind of like how this entire blog is becoming wonderfully inbred. And I mean that honestly when I say “wonderfully.”
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
You know, not many people would be proud of an inbred son, but dammit you guys are troopers.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Oh, absolutely! We all play off each other and feel the benefits of influence. For example, sometimes I write a post that’s not funny at all. That’s when I’m trying to be Ross.
May 5th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
but…but….i like Radiohead and Pink Floyd….and why would i want to date Justin? He looks homeless. lol. j/k J.T.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:39 am
[…] took the phone. “Who’s your girlfriend having sex with now, Jack?” I […]