Pop quiz, hotshot: It’s 11 a.m., you have a righteous hangover, and you’re on the set of a hardcore pornographic film that you’re about to star in. The director hands you a t-shirt that says “Canada” on it, mumbles something about garter snakes, and then gets a page on his beeper and storms off to go return the call on his “car phone.” If time were on your side you’d be at home right now, doing lines of blow and leisurely shaving your balls, but the schedule says you need to actively fucking by 12 o’clock sharp, and not only have you not seen a script yet, but you haven’t even eaten BREAKFAST, and everyone on the set knows it’ll be a cold day in the San Fernando Valley before your dick’s gonna get hard without a plateful of scrambled eggs and some black coffee to charge the ol’ meat battery.
But you don’t have time to worry about that, because now the camera is rolling and some Hungarian girl who barely speaks English is staring at you, waiting for you to say something. You welcome her to America, then remember that your shirt says “Canada” on it, but justify it to yourself by thinking, “I meant ‘America’ like ‘North America.’ You know… like… the continent.” Next thing you know she’s smelling some leaves because, hey, that’s what you do when you’re trying to get your bearings in a strange new country, but then all of the sudden she’s screaming and you’re wrestling a giant rubber snake on the ground, thinking to yourself, “Whatever - beats the 10 p.m. - 5 a.m. shift at The Nutbush.” Then the snake slithers away, the cameraman yells “CUT!” and you have just enough time to chew some aspirin before you have to start having sexual intercourse with a Hungarian girl who has jewelry stashed inside of vagina.
Moments later you remember why you got into this business in the first place. Then you go home, do a few lines of cocaine, shave your balls and think to yourself, “It’s a living.”
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
- The 10 Commandments of Facebook - September 10th, 2008
- Email Spamming 101: The A-Z Guide To Becoming Human Garbage - August 27th, 2008
- The (Mentally Ill) Idiot's Guide To Amazon.com - August 13th, 2008
July 30th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Amazing, I’m going to use this line from now on
June 11th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Hi guys, no matter you admit it or not, you have stronger sexual drive for big boob&big booty women @@@ PlusMeet.c o m___ and U even watch the hot sexy vidoes there even at the work time!!! LOL….
May 8th, 2008 at 3:42 am
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=11&sku=ENGL–CD00330
Why DO they call a Pap Smear a Pap Smear?!
May 1st, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Lazenby wasn’t that bad; he was only in one flick, right after connery left the series, and in it, Bond actually gets married (and then becomes a widower ten seconds later). a lot of people disliked it, because, hey, Bond doesn’t get married, but it was based on a book, so, there wasn’t a lot that he could do about it.
also, man, that guy was pure guts! a gigantic garter snake, surely mutated by something, is a terrifying prospect. I applaud his bravery, seriously. how do you spell hero? I’ll tell you; t-h-a-t-g-u-y.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:28 am
James Bond fans get genuinely upset about James Bond. Like when a new movie comes out and you think, neat-o, a new James Bond movie, then you spend 8.00 to go see it and it’s Die Another Day and you realize how badly the creators of James Bond hate you, and how much they want to hurt you.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Yeah. Ok. But does George Lazenby count? Wasn’t he in one movie?
Yeah, Majesty’s Secret Service I think. i remember liking that one as a kid but only because it was on a mountain, as opposed to a boat like goldeneye.
I just hate Roger Moore.
I was kidding by the way, onodera. No one gets that genuinely upset about James Bond. I think…
April 30th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I don’t usually watch the video clips cuz they’re blocked at my work… I’m so glad I found out about btunnel.com. Now I get the full effect from these articles, and that was so worth it. I’m gonna watch it again.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Is it just me, or was that garter snake somewhat larger and more aggressive than the average garter snake? I find it amusing that they went through the trouble to give it the correct markings to add to the overall realism of this film. I can see the director now going “No, no, you dumbasses! The ones with the yellow stripes are indigenous to the Northeast! Someone get me a competent herpetologist to paint this fake snake so this doesn’t get panned by the critics!”
April 30th, 2008 at 9:24 am
ColdCalfCity: I was talking about the lead into sex… Bond is full of crappy puns that Jr. High boys think are sly. Basically, the same line the man in the video makes about his trouser snake is a typical Bond line.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:44 am
I think the important questions are not being addressed here, like can you shave your balls with an electric razor?
April 30th, 2008 at 5:28 am
“only roger moore, who we can all agree was the worst bond (we can ALL AGREE)”
Are you secretly George Lazenby? No disrespect to your comment but seriously, Roger Moore was the worst?
I liked Moore in that he was good in a ridiculous sort of campy way but Lazenby was just goddamn terrible.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:14 am
One question Ross, what journalistic endeavour led you to the website feelmytube.com?
April 29th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
She was sniffing a California Pepper Tree. They smell like pepper. Not to be confused w/ Pecker tree. That comes later in the movie. Pun intended.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Wait, wait, wait… you’re trying to say the snake is a phallic symbol?
That’s just disgusting. What is wrong with you all? This sort of thing happens to me all the time.
A man just put his life at at stake, have some respect.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
This video is a demonstration of “leading by example.” What the guy is REALLY saying is that he wants to get pounded with a dildo and he’s just hoping she takes the hint. Oh, and he also likes getting his penis punched.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I’m not sure what’s more bizarre– the film clip, or the commentary that follows this particular blog. Props to everyone involved for showing me the strangest stuff I’ll see all week.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Rest of the movie. Now.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
“oh you’re my hero” sex IS james bond sex. that guy doesn’t resemble james bond in anyway. Daniel Craig would never wrestle a snake, he’d just shoot it and throw it’s carcass at some villains of questionable ethnicity. only roger moore, who we can all agree was the worst bond (we can ALL AGREE) would wrestle a snake and then use snake to proposition a lady.
and what’s with the subtext of the guy wrestling the snake? a woman’s there! he doesn’t NEED to wrestle The Snake!
April 29th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I think judging from physical evidence they’ve exported all the women who’ve eaten in the past decade.
No wonder some are so eager….
April 29th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
“You were just scared by big ugly snake? Well, I’ll show you another one…”
Damn, that chicks is ugly. Hungary must’ve already exported all the good ones.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I was expecting a “oh, you’re my hero” kind of lead into the sex, but it was… more James Bond like; terrible, terrible, terrible.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Now we know what kingmonkey+1 does for a living that he can spend so much to time posting on Cracked.com and yes that was Mrs.glendoor42.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
If you watch the whole movie, he almost snaps it off in her. It completely ruined it for me.
There I was masturbating like a spidermonkey on a 3 day meth binge, whispering to myself ” oh yeah, you like that.. Dont you baby.. It’s so big, you can barely handle it..Oh yeah, you like my man missle”(You know like everyone else) When I see his manhood snap in half.. I was disgusted. I almost couldnt pop it off on the cat sitting next to me.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I thought it was a new gum to quit smoking.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
What’s a nicaragua? Is that a new rap group?
April 29th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
You know what the capital of Nicaragua is?
Portugal.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Electrogenic: You’re right. How embarrassing.
Pretend the post ends “What’s the capital of Nicaragua?”
April 29th, 2008 at 11:58 am
I guess that opening was for those consumers who prefer a good laugh before fapping.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Where’s the question? Does anyone else notice that in order for this to be a quiz, there should be a question somewhere?
April 29th, 2008 at 11:41 am
You comment-eating son of a bitch blog!
April 29th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Bear Gryllis should cover THIS job.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I am sorry, that is the most amazing thing i have seen. I now have an amazing pick up line to use on females. Now i need to find a giant rubber snake.