A Compelling Argument For Unemployment: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
I’ve heard people say they’d probably keep working if they won the lottery. Those people are completely full of shit. You really expect me to believe that you’d keep going to your crappy dead-end job day-in day-out if you didn’t need the money? You know - the job that you complain about incessantly and fantasize about quitting on a daily basis? You must have a great work ethic. Either that or you’re mildly retarded, but most retarded people would quit their jobs if they won the lottery1, so I guess that means you have a great work ethic. There’s just one problem with that: you DON’T have a great work ethic, so I guess that means you’re completely full of shit. QED.
I don’t even need a big jackpot to quit my job. Give me a scratch-and-win worth enough cash to buy a baby chimp, a pair of drawstring pants, and a comfortable couch, and I’ll have my desk cleaned out within the hour. Then I’ll swing by Baby Gap, pick up a tiny polo shirt for my new chimp, stop by the liquor store and grab a bottle of whiskey, and head home for the most awesome afternoon of all time.
Then I’ll sober up and realize that I have no job, no savings, and a new baby chimpanzee to feed. Then the chimp will start throwing poop all over my house, and I’ll be like, “Oh yeah - they do that.” Then I’ll try to sell the chimp for animal testing, but the scientists will be like, “We can’t possibly accept this chimp, sir - he’s drunk.” Then I’ll have to open an animal testing facility in the spare bedroom in my apartment, which will make me a ton of money until the animal rights people show up to protest on my front lawn, but then I’ll get evicted and have to find a new apartment, and how the hell am I supposed to find a place in Chicago that will rent an apartment to some unemployed guy with a pet chimpanzee and no shirt on?
See, this is why I don’t play the lottery. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
1 As you all know, scrupulous fact-checking is of the utmost importance here at Cracked.com, and my editors had our research department conduct a comprehensive survey to verify this claim. Of the 2,500 people surveyed, 73% said they would quit their jobs, 4% said they would continue working, and 23% mumbled something about cookies and licked their own hands.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
First!!
Wait, do you have some sort of “real” job in addition to posting videos at noon 5 days a week?
April 28th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Firster!!
For a moment, I thought the guy lying on the couch was Gladstone. For a moment, I really wantde to be Gladstone’s friend, just so I could play with his monkey. His real one, I mean. Not like that time he asked me to play with his monkey.
It wasn’t a monkey!
April 28th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Crazycracker: No way. That was what we in the business like to call a “literary device.” If anyone is reading this who works with someone named Ross Wolinsky, it must be a DIFFERENT Ross Wolinsky than the one who writes for Cracked.com.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:25 am
So, one day my glasses are in the shop and I meet this short, girl who’s really into “it”, you know? Then, about nine months later I get this basket on my doorstep with a baby chimp and a note inside that read, “Chimp fucker.” If only I had used a condum.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Thanks Ross, you just made me pee my pants.
oh,
FIRSTEST!
April 28th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Oh, Ross. You’ve made me laugh yet again. I just hope that you actually get that baby chimp who flings fecal matter everywhere about your apartment.
Man, that’d be great.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Shit, a kid could do everything a chimp could do, but a chimp would be a whole lot cooler.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Damn. As I read this, Mo Money Mo Problems just happened to play on my Ipod here at work. Must be a sign from above to adopt a chimp.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Yeah, sorry, glendoor42… I should have probably said something about that to the missus beforehand. My kids would be likely poo-flingers, wouldn’t they. Still, we have a saying here in Casnadia: let the Americans keep the filthy poo-flinging monkey-children.
It’s a surprisingly common saying here.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
You know, having sex with a chimp can cause aids, don’t do it! And, you could always sell the monkey to an Asian medicine man, he could use the parts for MaGiC (ohhh, awww, wooo)
April 28th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
How did we manage to get this far without anyone feeling the need to mention the chimp was rhythmically beating the guys belly, much to his delight? What in the world is this comment section coming to?
Also, did anyone else see what appeared to be a flash near the end? Was someone taking a picture? Is this some sort of weird art exhibit somewhere? If so, this is just more proof that I am completely out of touch with the modern art community…
April 28th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Ross Wolinsky: so that means you’d abandon us, your faithful readers, if you won the lottery? :’-( After all we’ve been through? After all the daily nooners we’ve read?
April 28th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Ross, the Gladstone lookalike, the blog and the monkey all leads me to ask one very burning question;
What the hell do you Cracked bloggers DO after hours?
Is this your way of telling us you’ve actually won the lottery?
April 28th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Is that the guy from Tim & Eric awesome show good job?/the worst most terrifying show that adult swim has to offer?
April 28th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Panzer-Stier Ross Says:
“Is this your way of telling us you’ve actually won the lottery?”
Maybe working for Cracked is like winning the lottery?
Either that or it’s just a bunch of unemployed guys sitting around in their crappy apartments posting stuff on the Internet.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Yeah, right glendoor42, a Gladstone lookalike. Suuurre…
April 28th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
What the hell? Panzer-Stier Ross isn’t glendoor42… I’m losing my mind, thanks to this wonderful chimp video.
April 28th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Oh you know it’s really him. It’s too perfect not to be really Gladstone.
The set up. The rival blogger. The talk of ‘lottery’.
It’s all an elaborate sham.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
is this supposed to signify that if you win the lottery, you don’t spank the monkey…the monkey spanks you?
April 28th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Ibh, yea yea I like what you did there.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Am I the only one here that realizes the obvious responsibility of every man, woman, child and crazed lottery number calling robot to use any winnings over 100 million dollars to build a feces flinging chimp army? I promise you, small minded people of the world, that if every country was to focus their military efforts on stopping the Nazi Chimp Army of Ass Death Destructiveness (as well as Historic Badassery), there would be no other strife on the planet worth focusing on. Therefore? Peace on Earth.
What brings 6 billion people together quicker then concentrating their angst, ire and firearms on random Nazi Chimps of Ass Death Destructiveness?
Nothing, my friends. Absolutely nothing.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:21 am
DANIEL O’BRIEN!!!!!!!!! Snake-Monster Monatana is on the cover of Vanity fair, check out UK Newspaper The Sun . co .uk!!
April 29th, 2008 at 6:57 am
I WON 4 MILLION DOLLARS LAST WEEK
I TORE UP THE FREAKIN TICKET
I SHIT ON 4 MILLION….
I’M GONNA WAIT UNTIL THE JACKPOT HITS 12 MILLION
and I’m am NOT gonna give up my job
If I play my cards right I have a chance to become ASST NIGHT MANAGER
and then - I will be getting the BIG BUCKS….
April 29th, 2008 at 10:20 am
I met my new friends at a cele hot club __Blackgirlsconnect.com__ several days ago. It is a funny and interesting place. So nice to talk and date some girls or guys on here.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:12 am
So Cate went black and she never went back