Two-For-One Disappointing Robot Monday: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
What’s With All These Stupid Robots?!
I might not know anything about building robots, but based on these two clips, it seems like the people who actually build them don’t either.
In the first video we’ve got some sort of mobile garbage can that can walk around like a crab, roll dice, and bang on its own head while repeating the same Japanese phrase over and over and over again. Which would be pretty convenient if you wanted to start a gambling operation for quadriplegics in your house or something, but we all know that quadriplegics don’t gamble much, and even if they did, what makes you think they’d want to do it in your house and not in a regular casino? Also, what if they don’t understand Japanese? That’s like inventing a robot to help gay Eskimos come out to their parents, or to teach Latvian orphans how to panhandle; it’s a great idea, but what are the rest of us supposed to do with it?
Then we’ve got the second one, which serves such little purpose that it pretty much has to be an art project of some kind. A pair of dismembered robot legs that periodically shoots fire while aimlessly pushing around a shopping cart? I’ll admit that’s kind of awesome, but again, what are we supposed to do with it? Should we look at it and think about the artist’s statement on mindless consumerism? Sorry, robot maker: Dawn of the Dead did it better. Is it supposed to make us think about the homeless problem? I’m looking at it right now, but the only problem I’m thinking about is how bad these robots suck.
I’ve been banging this drum for a while now, but maybe if I keep at it I can get the robot-making community to listen. If I were them, I know I’d definitely want to take advice from a Cracked blogger with absolutely zero knowledge of engineering. Is an enormous mechanized iron monstrosity with flesh-searing lasers and projectile weapons so much to ask for? Actually, screw it - pretty much ANYTHING with flesh-searing lasers would do. If you’re reading this, guys who made these two robots, just add flesh-searing lasers and we’ll be good to go.
See - I’m willing to compromise, robot-making community. Now it’s your turn.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:20 am
Robots are dumb. This blog needs to mention more bears.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:20 am
I will make you a damn good robot, one that wants nothing but sex, and to provide you with video gaming.. And it can kill cats
April 21st, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I’ll take 3 please Robb, easy on the video gaming.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Goddamn Motherfucking WordPress is not letting me post again, I mean WTF what did I ever do to WordPress?
April 21st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Oh yeah you’ll post that shit, but you deprive the world of my hilarious comment about robots.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Fuck you WordPress.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Just Fuck you.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Whaat?! You’re making fun of the first robot? Sure, they may have made the questionable decisions to program a robot to throw tantrums like an autistic child, and drag it’s but across the carpet like so many of glandoor42’s dogs, but look at it, man! It’s brightly coloured and has the amazing ability to try to pick up garbage that’s carefully placed right in front of it! How is that not awesome?
Hell, it even has a star on it! I’m buying two as we speak.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:02 pm
“and drag it’s but across the carpet like so many of glandoor42’s dogs,”
It’s “butt” and “glendoor42″ not but and glandoor42, have you been drinking at work again today? Didn’t we talk about that? I won’t even go into “coloured”.
I thought the robot was autistic too.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
WTF Ross? No, really what the fuck is going on between you and the Baltic states?
April 21st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
FLAME WAR!!!!!!!!!!
April 21st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Is that first vid Chris Buckholz?
April 21st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
glandoor42! Hah, that’s awesome. Thank goodness for early morning incoherence, else I’d never have thought that one up. (And yes, early morning for me does last until afternoon.)
I admit, I did have a few drinks this morning at work. And yet, I still got a 1500.00 bonus for last month. Where’s the justice, you ask? In my back pocket, that’s where.
(The 1500.00 will go toward the purchse of one of the garbage-can-autism bots.)
April 21st, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Actually, it’s Chris Bucholz before the “Self-awareness” and “Thirst for impoverished children’s blood” upgrades.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I heard that the legsbot is the remnant of a test dummy they’ve been using for the beta testing of the unrapable-robodogs that Ross blogged about a while back. Apparently animal welfare groups have been working on it in a bid to combat the (currently unexplainable) massive increase in dog-rape related crime recently…
April 21st, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I can understand Robot no. 2’s purpose as maybe robotic legs for amputees but seriously, what is the purpose of that trashcan-dice roller?
It is pretty cool watching the bystander’s reactions to robot number 2. Although my time in college showed me that some students will leave their jeans lying unwashed so long that they are capable of standing free and actually walking.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Glandoor42 is my cousin, who is a adult film star. He taught John Holmes everything he knew. Left out the safe sex part though.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:58 pm
“Is that first vid Chris Buckholz?”
No that couldn’t be him, Chris is only part robot and wears orange coats while hiking.
April 21st, 2008 at 5:02 pm
you just summed up everything I know about Chris! (oh, except that he writes good columns and has no intention of ever speaking to me.)
April 21st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Along with a black bar that obscures the upper-middle portion of his face.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:15 am
Dear Ross Wolinsky (Or as I will now refer to you, RW-D2),
I am now convinced that you are a robot. It’s obvious why you’re on this campaign to convince robot designers to construct vicious, man-killing robots… you’re trying to bring about the robot apocalypse but you’re not technically-inclined enough to build the bots yourself (which is weird because you’re a robot).
I’ll be keeping my eye on you, mister. (i.e. Reading your blogs for evidence and general entertainment.)
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 am
Putting that second video there completely fucked up the layout in Opera. This webpage is clearly not standards-compliant.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
You know, it’s a sad day when robots fail to excite us (or bears or sharks, according to the delicious Tina Fey). Remember when you first saw Runaway and thrilled to the terrifying spider bots Gene Simmons unleashed? That was the day when I knew Mad Science was my destiny. Granted, the first few robots I made were deemed “unfeasable for mass production,” and “too cardboardy to withstand basic operating stress” but I never gave up hope. Now seeing the robots that real life scientists are coming up with… I feel only shame that Robot Wars (the TV show, not the movie) is the closest thing we’ll come to real life Robot Wars (the movie, not the TV show).
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
yeah, but is Omarion ok? Lets all pray for Omarion, thats what is importiant here.
April 27th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
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