X-Files: I Want To Believe (That Gillian Anderson Thinks I’m Sexy)
The new X-Files movie is coming and, I have to admit, I’m pretty excited. I was a big fan of the show. It was scary and funny and —way before Heroes— it had a convoluted and suspenseful plot that was worth following. (Until that last season where I don’t remember what the hell happened. Seriously, I followed the show for years and I have absolutely no recollection how it ended. All I can recall is a very old and cancer-ridden cigarette smoking man blowing up. By a laser? That happened right? He blew up?)
But I digress. There was something else I loved about the X-Files: Gillian Anderson. She’s a talented actress and since the show ended she has achieved some critical success in respected films like The House of Mirth and The Last King of Scotland. But my favorite thing about Gillian Anderson was her continual and unwavering efforts to be taken less seriously as an actress and more seriously as a wildly objectified sex kitten.
Photo shoot after photo shoot she screamed, “yes, I can convincingly portray a no-nonsense Federal agent, but I can also give you a venereal disease! Lust for me!” Yet, it never seemed to happen. Why? I have no idea. It certainly wasn’t for her lack of trying. Remember these? They were taken from a photo shoot I like to call “I fuckin’ hate you so much David Duchovny.”
Seriously, people. How come you never turned your prurient interests to Gillian? While you spent the 90’s fawning over your Courtney Coxs and Jennifer Anistons, good ol’ Scully was just waiting for your objectification with a box of kleenex and a can of lube. There is just something wrong with a country that picks Pamela Anderson over Gillian Anderson. I mean, what did she have to do? Pose tied up and gagged on a bed with a “spank me” sign?
No. Not even that was good enough. You people make me sick. Do you realize Gillian may have forever thrown away her chances to be on Inside The Actors Studio with James Lipton? And what for? Just to be a mere sex object used for your pleasure. And how did you repay her efforts? By making fun of her first season haircut. How dare you. Well, I hope you’re happy because you’ve really blown it. You screwed it all up. Time passes. And yesterday’s sex object becomes today’s failed presidential candidate in drag. The passing years have been a little tough on Gillian. She went blonde for awhile and stopped eating. That was rough, but, hey, we all get old. And now that the X-Files movie is coming out, it’s simply unfair of you to you to expect her to be all shapely, sultry, and filled with enough Daddy issues to strip down to a nightie for Maxim magazine.
Or maybe not. All hail, Gillian. She’s better than ever and coming to a theater near you. And this time, you better treat her with the respect she’s earned and go full Pee Wee Herman during the movie. Anything less, frankly, would be rude.
Check out some more Gladstone over HERE and OVER HERE.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I say first, sir.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
I think I lost respect points for Scully. I am sure you disagree. Yeah Cancer Man was killed when the um bad guys? shot a missile or some projectile into the pueblo he was staying at. I guessing he is dead, it would take a helluva lot of the finest medical intervention to revive bits of people.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
She became less attractive when they stopped filming the show in Vancouver
April 16th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I blame that bitch who plays Hannah Montana.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:29 am
I was always torn between wanting Scully to love me and feeling nothing but powerful hate for her. Yes, she’s absurdly pretty, and her voice could make me do obscene things to myself, but how the hell was she always the skeptic when every single goddamn episode was either aliens or poltergeists or horrible paranormal things? She never believed Mulder when he wanted to go and investigate something, but she always went along in the hopes that there would be some kind of explanation so she could rub it right in his face, and when there wasn’t one she had forgotten about it by the next episode. Yes, Scully, there is a logical explanation, it’s fucking aliens!
April 17th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Perhaps she WAS an alien on the show.
Think about it, why else would she be constantly steering towards skepticism despite all the freaky shit. Answer: She’s an alien, and thus she doesn’t want Mulder to know about aliens, cause they think he’s a fag, or somthing.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Yes! Oh yes! And I’m a hetero girl!
From the age of 12 my hair was Scully-red, and 10 years later, it still is… though I’ve stopped wearing suits on a daily basis.
I had nothing for Mulder. But I wanted to both be and do Scully. Not so much GA, I must admit… but Scully, oh yes, totally would.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Thanks amct303, and if I could, I would like to encourage as many comments as possible from heterosexual women who were so hot for Scully they dreamed of steamy same sex encounters. I think we can all agree that this blog, and America, needs more of that. Huzzah to you.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Em, wasn’t she like the hottest sex symbol of 90’s?What the hell are you talking about. ’she never happened’.She was fucking everywhere man.She suffered through some seriously bad haircuts on that show and seeing as she has beautiful hair , I don’t understand that.Still, she was fucking hot.And still is judging from these photos.She looks about as hot as it’s possible for any human woman to look.Soooo maybe she’s not…See what I did there…?
April 17th, 2008 at 7:28 am
I’m not usually one to point out spelling errors, but for you, Gladstone, I’ll make this exception. “The Last Kind of Scotland?” Were there other kinds before, but now they’ve settled on the one they like?
Furthermore, I feel strongly that we should start a Cracked petition to have Gillian Anderson become the newer, nuder mascot for Cracked. Sylvester Smythe can’t hold a candle to Gillian.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:30 am
You guys know she’s been hosting Masterpiece Theater recently, right ?
oops…I forgot what website I was visiting. nevermind
April 17th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Damn you, Gladstone. How could you post this? I’m at work goddamn it!
April 17th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Gillian Anderson and Jeneane (sp?) Garafalo turned me Bi in the 90’s. Sexy smart bitches.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:29 am
As someone who has studied red-heads for some time (seriously, I love them,) let me present a fact: Red heads get better with time.
Think back to junior high. The red head in the class was a troll. Now, she’s smoking hot. You know it. Look at the first picture of Gillian on the page. Not bad, not bad at all. Look at the last one. For all that is holy! I give her a standing (at attention) ovation.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:22 am
My favorite character on the X files was the Cigarette Smoking Man, he was funny.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I wouldn’t have sex with him though.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:01 am
“Jeneane (sp?) Garafalo” Was an ugly ,ugly female. Thank you Gladstone for making a culture reference that i am actually old enough to understand for once, the X Files were amazing, and i must say, going through puberty with Gillian Anderson on the tv screen was better than most generations had it, i would have to admit.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Poor Robb. How puzzled you must have been by my Madonna “snap bracelets” reference.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:18 am
What the hells a Madonna?
April 17th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Why wont someone play with me? I’m so lonely !!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 10:27 am
ExtractOfCactus, Madonna gave birth to Jesus, if my knowledge of Catholicism is correct.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:28 am
and made a Jesus statute come to life in a video.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Wow Gladstone, your penis can type!! How many of your blogs has it actually written instead of you?
April 17th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Oh, it’s a skate boarding trick. You and your skater references Mr. Stone.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:37 am
See, Daniel? Gladstone gave his penis typing lessons, too. You thought I was crazy when I asked for typing lessons, well now who looks ridiculous. (It’s you. You look ridiculous.)
Can I take Spanish lessons? I sure would love to communicate with Gladstone’s penis via Spanish typing. Please? Por Favor?
April 17th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Hey, Shakespeare, there’s supposed to be a question mark after “now who looks ridiculous”.
I knew this was a goddamn waste of money.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Help! Get me out of this dog!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Actually thanks to VH1’s I love the 70’s and 80’s i am able to gain much in the ways of the “culture” of primitive people of those eras. Its almost like a Rosetta Stone for A.A.R.P. folks like yourself, and my obviously greater, and more hip generation.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Easy tiger,
Y’know I DID graduate college in the 90’s actually. (and actually I skipped a grade because my penis typed up most of my essays, saving me time.)
April 17th, 2008 at 11:00 am
A Madonna is also a piercing of the upper lip.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:22 am
@TillyKGB
I don’t know. Sometimes its backward. I got to climb on this one red head when I was in college. She was super hot with green eyes. Then she ignored me and dated one of my good friends for over a year. I was hurt at first but was happy when I saw them fighting all the time. I felt even better when I saw her years later and she blew up like the world trade center. Its as if she saw ‘Super Size Me’ and thought “Mmmm… BigMac.”
April 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Hey guys! Just dropping in to say hi! Wow, I am exhausted from the turkey-slapping paraplegic orphan nuns me and the Big Gal have been doing!
April 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
As a Scot, I have to say it tends to differentiate between very very hot redheads and some of the most hideously deformed, gap-toothed freaks ever to crawl out of the earth.
Two major instances in high school, each of whom was the either example. One smoking hottie, the other a ginger monster.
Guess which one lucky old me got off with?
PS: I’ll give you a hint, I’m posting this on Cracked. It can’t have been the hottie.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Gillian Anderson is one of the only women I would definitely become a lesbian for. What woman could resist?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Just got off the phone with Cracked editor “Peanuts and Jacker-Jacks” O’Brien. We’re very interested in setting up a forum for Eef, Petra, and amct303 to explore these feelings more deeply. Role play. Possibly create some fan fiction. Ultimately, we hope to film encounter sessions at his apartment and post online. And by post online, i mean keep hidden in our homes. And by “just got off the phone with Jack”, I mean, just got off the phone with myself. Minus “the phone” part.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Was your next call to DairyVac Industrial-Quantity Dairy Products?
April 17th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Makin’ the majonas, huh?
April 17th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
the distinction you’re all missing with the redheads is simple: there are redheads, and there are gingers.
Redheads: hot
Gingers: not
Some of you may have thought it was the shade of their hair that made the distinction, but it’s not. It’s really very simple. All redheads are hot, all gingers should be hunted like the filthy, disease-infested, blood-sucking animals they are. FACT.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Thank you, Gladstone. This brings back such memories. Gillian Anderson was(is?) H. O. T.
I think her skepticism was intrinsic to her hotness in the show. If she was a believer, she would have been just a bimbo sidekick - might as well been blonde! More common would’ve been to make her brunette, but redhead?????? Made her brainy n smokin’…
April 17th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Haha, funny to find out I’m not the only straight girl who had a crush on Scully when I was a kid. I never died my hair, but I did have one of her haircuts for a good while and a lot of confusion for a bit. around middle school/jr high. ^.^ Granted, I had a crush on Mulder too, but that paled in comparison to the hots I had for Scully.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Eef, Petra, amct303, and now, Jes. You are all so totally invited to my X-Files movie premier tailgate party. Wonderful news like this makes up for this posts embarassing DIGG showing.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I wasn’t really a big X-Files fan, but given it’s obvious lesbian-producing power, I’m fast becoming an X-Phile.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
ED BELFOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
I never got into X-files, just didn’t. That is until my Sophomore year at college. That year for some reason i never had class until 3 pm which required me to be up until at least 6 am every single night. Often this meant my roomates and friends went to sleep before me and I was alone for just those hours when there is nothing on tv but law and order reruns that had actually played earlier in the day. But one day I noticed that X-files was on as well and watched it and I enjoyed it. I really liked it. I was able to strangely relate to Mulder and wanted to band the heck out of that stuck up Scully. But then a terrible thing happened … The show stopped making sense and then mulder died and we got stuck with the terminator and scully was made pregnant which enraged both me and my penis and was relegated to lab work in a big white lab coat. And then somehow mulder was really alive in a cocoon and then he and scully kissed and then he disappeared and died again and it didn’t make any sense. Btw that pissed me off more than anything. They had a sexual tension on that show that was as thick and hard as my erections and then its finally released slightly, but no explanation - no hot nude dripping with sweat scully. Just end of episode and the next one mulder’s gone again. What the fuck.
Is it just me or is the hottest picture you posted the one of Gillian Anderson (aka Agent steamy hot sex goddess) licking david duchovony’s face. There is just something about her tongue. If anyone can look at that picture for 2 minutes, especially at her tongue, and not feel aroused then they just don’t have a taste for the womens.
Oh, and Dan O’Brien, I will make it my personal mission to make sure that you never ever get a jet pack if you don’t blog about the latest Hannah Montana hegemony incident! Apparently she hosted the CMTs and while doing so got phone calls from John McCain and Barack Obama. Obama apparently even offered her Secretary of the Treasury. She must be stopped! The world needs you, Dan O’Brien!
http://wonkette.com/380050/mccain-obama-flirt-with-underage-hannah-montana
April 17th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
wow, now that I see it posted, that is way too long. But its not really my fault. It’s Gladstone’s. Posting erotic pictures of Scully is only going to get very impassioned responses from me.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I… I don’t believe it. You made me honest-to-God guilty for not jerkin’ it to Gillian.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Thank you!
April 18th, 2008 at 12:59 am
I like it. I will share it with my friends I met on ‘ RichMatchMaking. com ‘. It is a luxury dating site where Charlie Sheen found his love last May it is reported by MSN. Recently, seems Britney joined the site too.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:01 am
I like spice girls!!!!Victoria is really sexy and stunning. His husband is TOP 1 candidates in the top 50 men list. What a gorgeous couple! Some of my girlfriends told me that David seemed to appear on a millionaire&celebrity club ‘ Rich Match Making. com ‘ before he came to american. ooops, I think almost the hot girls there want to date this handsome soccer player. And maybe it is just a rumor on internet.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:25 am
“And maybe it is just a rumor on internet”
You think?
April 18th, 2008 at 4:05 am
@ James - In real life Mulder is actually the skeptic, whereas Scully believes in aliens, ghosts and past lives.
and yeah Gillian Anderson is THE hottest redhead on the planet. I too am a redhead… or maybe im a ginger…. I have low self esteem.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I agree with whoever said that redheads and gingers differ. Redheads are hot while gingers are souless abominations.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I am very dismayed to report that despite my posting of 2 links to Ms. Anderson’s website, and my heartfelt blogging support, she has failed to contact me subsequent to this piece’s publication.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Well, at least you still have your X-Files 2 tailgate/lesbian-experimentation party, right?
April 21st, 2008 at 2:46 am
Me and my older sister (both hetero, she happily married) agree:
We’d be gay for GA.
It’s the famous “If I have to? Hot day-um, it’ll be her!” question.
April 21st, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Scully was and still is my role model and idol. When I first began watching the show in 1996 or so, I was a single redhead working on an advanced degree in a tough field and I was the same age as her character on the show. I’m not as absurdly beautiful as she is, but just to have that one smart, single, sexy redheaded character on a very smart show gave me hope. Ridiculous that it came from a TV show, but there you go.
April 21st, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Jools and Kimberly, you also given me hope. In truly special, not at all immature and prurient way.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Hey Scully fans.
You can see Gillian show off the goods in a movie called Closure. I have the DVD. It is worth at least renting to see Scully’s tits.
Netflix sure as hell has it.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Good to see I’m not the only one who thought Scully was a sexy minx. She’s about the only Federal Agent I wouldn’t mind getting a cavity search from… again
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