Madonna: Fuglier Than A Keebler Elf
So it seems Madonna and her husband, Guy Ritchie, haven’t been having sex lately. Why? Well, according to Madonna, it’s because Ritchie’s cookie diet robbed him of his sex drive. Seriously.
There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t know where to begin. First, cookie diet? Does that even exist? The odds of losing weight eating cookies are about as good as Cracked.com’s chances of winning big at the webbys.
Second, since when do sweets make you want to shun sex? Have you taken a date out to dinner and said, “Oh fuck, maybe if I set fire to the tablecloth before dessert comes I can still get laid tonight.”
And third, I’m not a doctor, but unless a chocolate chip is lodged in Ritchie’s urethra, I’m pretty sure cookies have nothing to do with why he’s not tapping Madonna. That’s just some excuse he made up. “Uh, oh, sex? Uh, gee, I’d love to, but, uh, y’know, I can’t because… um… COOKIES!!! Yeah, cookie diet. Yup. Damn cookies. Otherwise, I’d love to. Oh, and I can’t load the dishwasher because um, there’s a donut monster in our kitchen.” Now some of you may be asking, “Why would anyone want to make up an excuse NOT to have sex with Madonna?” Oh, no reason:
Ya see, I’m sure marrying Madonna seemed like a great idea twenty years ago, but so did snap bracelets. And unlike Madonna, your snap bracelets (I’m looking at you Dan O’Brien) probably have retained some of their natural elasticity. Oh, that reminds me of a joke. What do you call Rudy Guiliani in a wig and a stupid green hat. Give up?
Or maybe I’m wrong. No, not about the cookie’s magic erection-robbing abilities. That’s asinine. Maybe I’m wrong about Madonna’s age being the culprit. Perhaps, Ritchie’s just tired of the non-stop bukkake nightmares he keeps having, starring his wife, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Dennis Rodman, and the 1989 cast of Cats. Give him a break, Madonna. That can’t be easy. And in the meantime, I don’t know, have you considered a substitute? A Twinkie perhaps?
Check out some more Gladstone over HERE and OVER HERE.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Maybe he feels like less of a man around her and her monster guns. Her biceps are cut! Too much in my opinion.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Godammit, I was almost first…. Wanting to be first is driving me CRAZY! CRAZY, I tell you…
April 15th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
A chocolate chip lodged im my urethra is the EXACT reason why I’m no loger welcome at the Nabiso factory. Lets just say they arent to keen on you making sweet, sweet love to the cookie batter when they give you a tour.
I say screw’ em !!! If they dont want you fucking their cookie batter, then they should put better locks on the factory doors. Ones that arent broken with a shotgun blast !!!!
April 15th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Sorry, IndiePals, but that’s what you get for claiming DOB as your favorite blogger. I have rigged the commenting system to ensure that you will never, ever, under any circumstances be first. Furthermore, each time you try to go first, candygrams will automatically be delivered to all other commenters — except you.
I’m sorry. I just had to.
April 15th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Maybe Ritchie has been slowly exposing Madonna to radiation to gradually disfigure her, because he loves cookies so much he wants to have a legitimate excuse to say “sorry babe, no sex tonight, gotta eat these cookies.”
And yes, Guy Ritchie was second shooter up on the grassy knoll. History is scary, Gladstone.
April 15th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I have a brain teaser for ya.
Which went downhill first? Guy Ritchie’s movies or Madonna?
April 15th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Gladstone,
You are very cruel.
April 15th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
@ Gladstone: Alright, alright. Soooo how about this - maybe DOB is not my fav blogger. maybe it was just his article that was one of the best I’ve read in a long time. How about that? (see, I didnt even say his article was the best I’ve ever read but just *one* of the best)
@Kelby: Madonna by default. As far as I’m concerned, Guy’s movies never took off the ground. Never went up, cant go down…
April 15th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
If you read the original article, it would seem he has since gotten off the cookie diet and gotten back on Madonna instead.
I think Limp Bizkit wrote a song about this years ago. I’m willing to bet that’s what Guy Ritchie was listening to when he decided he wanted more 50-year-old nookie.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Bob,
except he did it all for the cookie.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Come on… the cookie!?
April 15th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
If aging and gravity have taken its toll on Madonna’s face just think about the southern region…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….NO don’t think it’s a trick!!!
April 15th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Regarding the last photo, it does look like Guiliani did a Madonna skit at SNL. You are dead right. Although in her defense (not really), have you seen the cover of Vanity Fair? The body was fantastic but the face left much to be desired. I guess all the retouching in the world can’t work miracles.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Honestly. Madonna’s recent “holy-shit-my-body-is-not-nearly-manlike-enough” bodybuilding phase has frightened many children and small pets.
Seriously. My dog couldn’t stop whining after I showed her the photo.
I mean it. She’s still whining.
Help.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Y’all leave Madonna alone, she does not look that bad for 86 years old.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Are you kidding me? She looks like Brittney’s landlord from her trailer park beginning in that last picture.
Can you imagine.. A hillbilly with a British accent !!!
April 15th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
DubTee, Indiepals? (In case anyone’s not in the know, ‘DubTee’ is short for WTF, which in turn is short for What The Fuck. I’m from the streets.) Gladstone puts a little bit of pressure and suddenly you’re switching sides on me? What’s next, are you gonna tell me that Ross is your favorite blogger?
Bad example. Of course you’re not, that’s absurd. But I think you get my point. You know who else suspiciously switched sides at the last minute? It was Judas. Think about that.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I was ready to leave her alone, but now I’m not going to, solely as a rebellion against the use of the word “y’all.”
That said: Madonna wishes she was half the man that Cher is.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
D.O.B., Judas was very well paid for his treachery. It’s not fair to compare someone that simply wants “firsts” to someone that wanted what was most assuredly whore money. Of course, I’m assuming Jesus didn’t let his disciples get out much, but maybe I’m being to hard on the guy. For all I know, Jesus could’ve LOVED whores. Of course, if that’s the case, then once again Jesus did himself in by introducing Judas to such an addiction.
Bottomline: It probably wasn’t Judas fault. IndiePals is something else entirely.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Indie’s ass-high in candygrams right now so she’s not even listening to you guys.
Indie FTW!
April 15th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Just wait, Gladstone. Don’t get too attached to Indie. One of these days, Swaim will start offering fruit baskets, or Bucholz will start doling out invitations to his giant party yacht, (I fucking know he has one, I know what I saw), and Indie will discard you, like a used, filthy candygram.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
All I know is that after reading this article, I can’t get the Cookie Monster Song out of my head.
” C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. C is for cookie….”
Thanks alot, Gladstone.
(Of course in Madonna’s case, “C” is definitely NOT for “cookie”)
April 15th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
But waaait why aren’t you guys fighting over me?
Am I gonna have to crying and screaming like a baby back bitch to get some attention???!!!!
April 15th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Amazing…I seemed to see she had a personal account on the millionaire&celebs dating site M E E T R I C H. C O M with profile and blog when looking for dates and fun with hot girls there recently. The blog was updated very often. Lots of guys
joined in her friend circle.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Wow, I wish I had known Madonna was on meetrich.com BEFORE Guy Ritchie got off the cookies. What a missed opportunity. “Friend circle” is an odd name for “vagina.”
April 15th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Really? This is not such a news ~~~~~~~~~~~~ I read this before at cookiemingle.com. it is a great site where tall people know cookies and more than love.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Boning Madonna would be a great opportunity for anyone who is physically attracted to transvestites, but just couldn’t get over the fact that they were once a man.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:22 am
I love you, Max. You and D.O.B. Because, let’s face it, that comment was hilarious, and D.O.B. is still awesome.
Mostly because he makes up amazing names for Jack the Editor.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:16 am
Anyone can do that.
Mick Jacker.
See? Not that hard.
Speaking of this blogpost, has anyone seen the movie ‘monster’?
April 16th, 2008 at 5:36 am
kingmonkey made me lol, that was a good comment.
Cher has work done on her face so she’ll still be able to look like a female and really long hair (girls have long hair). Hell only knows what Madonna is morphing into…
April 16th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Madonna’s recent surgery has swollen her cheeks out. She wanted the Daniel O’Brien cheeks, but they don’t look very good on her.
Holy shit, I just said Madonna doesn’t look as good as Daniel O’Brien. Is that a sign of the apocalypse?
April 16th, 2008 at 7:53 am
madonna could kick the donkey shit out of you all and then you’d weep as you tossed her salad. respect.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Hell, I have said that Gladstone was my favorite since i found this site, where the hell is my candy thing? Selling your old flame for a new one eh? Well listen here! I am now for sale, i can be bought.
And i think maybe the stress of having to save the world in 4 minutes, with the aid of a prancing queer of a back up dancer who can’t sexually please washed up pop stars is what is getting to the woman, leave her alone, not only is she the reason we are all still alive, she also has time to balance a family.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Oh, and keebler elf= small, tight creature that can bake like no other, and lives in a magic freaking tree fort of amazing. You insult them with your comparison
April 16th, 2008 at 9:31 am
@ Robb. They are still fugly. you cant deny it.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Hmm, you know what with Madonna’s long stringy blonde hair, bulging muscles and camp following it’d probably be a lot like having sex with Fabio.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am
gamebrain89, but they’re still beautiful on the inside, and maybe Madonna is too. Perhaps that’s the lesson that Gladstone is trying to teach us all.
Although, I admit, that does seem unlikely, coming from Gladstone.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Guy Ritchie is a homo and we slept together last night. That’s why he won’t boink Mads.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
@Kingmonkey:
My point with this blog post is the same as with all my blog posts: reading any of the other Cracked bloggers besides me will give you chlamydia. Actually commenting on their posts is carcinogenic. And claiming them to be the best blogger(S) will set my loyal armer of readers (Hey screw you i have 13 youtube subscribers!) off into attack mode with pitchforks and torches.
The choice is yours.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Yikes, that is a little harsh, Gladstone! Ease up, dude. Anways, you know - you don’t write enough to satisfy me completely. Therefore, I have to have all of you - everyday.
And therefore everyone blogs for Cracked is my fav blogger.
Except for Ross….
Right, DOB???
April 16th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
who…
everyone who blogs for Cracked is my fav blogger
April 16th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Oh, okay IndiePals. You’re probably right. Besides, 3 of my 13 youtube subscribers are just porn spambots so there’s that.
I’m truly a fan of everyone who writes for the Cracked blog.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
So we’re cool?? Now where the hell are my candygrams??????
April 16th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Well, there’s clearly no alternative for us but to have a Best Blogger award for Cracked. Hey, we can have our own award show. We’ll call them the Crackies!
April 16th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
And we’ll name the Webby’s an honoree in the category of “Most Useless Award Site on the Internet”.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I’d have to agree Gladstone. Everyone but Chris, I hate that guy.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
[…] read more | digg story […]
April 16th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
carcinogenic ya say? him, that must mean that commenting on your posts can induce radiation posioning. dam, i knew i should have gotten a new rad counter.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Chlamydia? from reading the other Cracked Bloggers, I think your chances of getting a STD are better reading a blog about Madonna, than from reading the other Cracked Bloggers.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
[…] really blown it. You screwed it all up. Time passes. And yesterday’s sex object becomes today’s failed presidential candidate in drag. The passing years have been a little tough on Gillian. She went blonde for awhile and stopped […]
April 17th, 2008 at 6:50 am
I don’t think she looks fugly. I would pee in her butt.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Gosh, that’s some serious love in your heart, scourge. Few men (or women) could truly claim to love Madonna quite that much (and few women could aim their pee well enough from all but the shortest range).
April 18th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Madonna is, and always has been ugly as fuck. Her music sucks balls as well.
April 21st, 2008 at 5:36 am
Hanna Montana is Madonna 30 years from now.
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I would very much enjoy some candy grams.
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June 11th, 2008 at 10:19 am
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