Just Another Day In Tokyo: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Real Sumo Fighting: Hakuho vs. Asashoryu
I spent some time in Japan a few years back. The idea was to immerse myself in a foreign culture, and I learned a lot about both myself and the world I live in while I was there. For example, I learned that there are places in the world that are crawling with teenagers in schoolgirl outfits, and that I enjoy being in those places, watching them giggle while playing with their crazy futuristic cell phones. I played pachinko and ate sashimi, and then I watched the schoolgirls some more and momentarily considered purchasing their used panties out of a vending machine. Then I remembered that I’d already spent all my money in the pachinko parlor, playing a game that I didn’t understand, so I went back to my hotel room and watched a TV show about a magical talking dog that was elected mayor of a small town. Confused, horny, and drunk as I’d ever been, I dozed off during a commercial for some sort of carbonated shrimp-flavored beverage.
Even after all that, nothing could prepare me for the sumo match I went to the next day. The ancient history of the sumo was palpable in that arena, and watching those guys grappling with one another, shooting lightning out of their hands and lasers out of their eyes and bending the spacetime continuum, well, it was almost as good as getting into a time machine and going back to feudal Japan. Sure, it was all pretty weird at first, just like I’m sure it looks weird to you now. But let me tell you something, viewer who is unfamiliar with the grand sumo tradition: This video hasn’t been digitally manipulated in any way, shape or form.
This is what sumo wrestling actually looks like.
For the rest of the trip, I couldn’t help but notice it everywhere I went: look up at any given moment and you’re all but guaranteed to see giant robots battling above Tokyo’s skyscrapers. Walk down the street in search of a vending machine full of used schoolgirl panties and BAM - a monster will fly through a brick wall and explode, and then some guy with really pointy hair will flash you a V sign and ride off into the sunset on a red jet-powered motorcycle. It’s a little known fact, and it was probably my greatest revelation on my trip to Japan: There are no special effects or animation studios in Japan. All those movies and TV shows you’ve seen? Those were all documentaries.
Also, there is a small town in southern Japan where a magical talking dog is the mayor.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Thankfully they put the world back together after that cosmic batlle. That was just considerate.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:27 am
[…] Cracked Tagged with: sports, Sumo, Youtube « Mario theme played with RC car […]
April 15th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I thought that was pretty awesome
April 15th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I bet my three best hentai dvd’s on the other guy. I mean, these were really quality titles too. Not just tentacle rape, but it had a real STORY, you know? Far better than anything in my Hot Mom Next Door collection. More purple and green hair too.
Fuck. I guess I’ll just re-torrent them.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I love sumo! I don’t get to see much here in the states. Thank you very much! That was a good match.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Oh, one more thing. Sumo is great when you watch it at the arena. It’s expensive, but the food and drink are free. I think that’s why it’s so popular. Could be why the wrestlers are so big too. After 5 bottles of sake, it’s hard to see those skinny guys, but the big fuzzies slamming into each other kick ass!
April 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
It’s like watching giants wrestle.
Not enough Super-Saiyan fireballs though.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Bah, they still would beat that Montana bitch
April 15th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I’ve been to that town, where the dog is mayor. It’s nice.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Mayor Dogenship is quite nice. Though he smells faintly of fish.
…I’m not sure why.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
If you visit that dog-mayor town, be sure to watch your step.
April 15th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
All mayors in Japan smell like fish for some reason.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I watched it with the sound off just to imagine (halluncinate) the chanting of “SUPER -DRAGON”.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Strangely, here in Britain, it’s the Mayor’s secretaries who smell of fish. Mayors smell of leather and wealth.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
SU-MO DRA-GON!
(clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)
SU-MO DRA-GON!
(clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)
April 16th, 2008 at 9:17 am
That video was very Takashi Miike. I always knew the Japanese would be responsible for bringing about the end of the world, then inexplicably returning it to its previous state.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Rofl
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