The Olympic torch relay rang into a few snags during its Paris leg yesterday, which is a gentle way of saying the torch went out 4 or 5 times. It did get re-lit pretty quickly, mind you, which would probably be acceptable if it were the regular sort of dungeon-illuminating torch. But seeing as it’s less a means of shedding light on goblin droppings, and more an internationally recognized symbol of hope, getting doused 5 times is kind of a big deal.
Throughout the route protesters mobbed the relay, and rushed the torch bearer on several occasions in attempts to seize or douse the torch itself. Although none of the protesters succeeded, at several points on the route the police were forced to put the torch out so it could be carried past the protests in a vehicle - which at least in my mind, kind of defeats the purpose of a torch relay. A dozen angry Chinese men and an athlete driving around Paris on a bus with a non-flaming stick doesn’t really raise the Olympic spirits.
I’ve talked about the Olympic protests before and could probably run a regular feature here recounting the various indignities the Olympic torch is bound to suffer over the coming months. Which would grow quickly monotonous were it not for little details like this: During this disastrous torch relay, French officials had arranged for 100 cops on roller blades to serve as an honor guard for the torch bearer.
100 French cops on roller blades. Isn’t that the most glorious thing you’ve ever heard of? Like the kind of thing you’d see in the background of one of the Lord of The Rings battles? If I had my way (I don’t) this would also become a common new theme in rap videos. Another great moment: hundreds of protesters shouting at torch bearers who happened to be wheelchair athletes. This isn’t a slam against wheelchair athletes, who are, in every measurable way, far better human beings than I. I’m just tickled by the concept, given that you never see people protesting against the wheelchair-bound. At least not since the 20’s.
It seems likely these sorts of shenanigans will continue, considering the initial protests during the torch lighting in Greece and the London torch relay on Sunday. At the later, at one point a protester attempted to put out the torch with a fire extinguisher. Training a fire extinguisher on some guy jogging is always going to be pretty funny, but if I were an Olympic protester, I’d be trying to come up with a somewhat grander way of suffocating the Olympic spirit. Something like:
Find an intersection where the torch relay has to pass through and flip around the <- Ocean | Torch Relay -> sign.
Train an elephant to shoot water out of its trunk on anything that burns. Hide the elephant somewhere along the relay route.
Organize your own relay going in the opposite direction. When you bump into the real relay, the police won’t know who to protect.
Start an actual fire. When the fire fighters show up, they’re rarely forgiving of guys with torches.
Streak out of the sky sliding on a sheet of ice and snatch the torch from the torch bearers hands (you’ll need the power to manipulate flows of ice and excellent balance for this.)
Disguise yourself as a Chinese official and stand along the parade route looking like you belong there. When the relay approaches with the torch, douse it with the powerful hose you were holding.
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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
- The American Recession as Explained by a Canadian - December 2nd, 2008
- The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever - November 25th, 2008
- How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding - November 18th, 2008
- Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man - November 11th, 2008
- Campaign 2008: The Year in Pictures - November 4th, 2008
April 13th, 2008 at 2:26 am
love her..What a gorgeous babe she is. I just chatted with her on a free and hot celeb and millionaire dating site :RichMatchMaki ng.c om………….We decided to hang out for coffee.
April 10th, 2008 at 7:06 am
So,( and i know what i’m talking about given i live in france ), there where a shitload of cops on the streets, ranging from troopers to riot police, absolutely NO ONE got the touch the flamme and not get a flying elbow to the face.
The flamme was randomly unlit by one of the felow chinese ” athletes “, while being carried by Judo olympic champion David Douillet,it was never unlit by a bunch of protesters that somehow would’ve managed to over-power 100 cops on rollerblades
April 9th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
What if, Lizard people were actually holding the real flame under ground, for years, so in fact, none of our Olympic games have been real? What if the torch was actually a bio weapon, and when it gets to China it kills all of them? What if the French just some balls? I mean, if people were protesting that in China, do you know what would happen to them? Death.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:04 am
What if it was really a torch double — and the real torch was making it’s way through Bordeaux or something?
April 9th, 2008 at 8:01 am
[...] insane radicals threatened the route, the torch was nevertheless carried to its final destination unlit and by bus, as the Chinese People had always planned in the first place. The final runner, failing to ignite [...]
April 9th, 2008 at 7:32 am
I dunno, I’ve slept with Dan’s sister– she’s okay, but hardly worthy of an internet legend like Robotman.
Sorry, honey, I’m just tellin’ it like it is.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Thanks Dan,
If I were your sister, I’d be honored to sleep with Chris Bucholz.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I get to deal with the protests tomorrow in San Francisco - so excited. yes.
April 8th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I’m not sure which was funnier- the article, or the first comment about the sister-sleeping-with privileges.
…Oh, the article of course!
April 8th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
the torch is eventually headed to the US for one stop, in San Francisco of all places–which we all know isn’t exactly a hotbed for overzealous leftist protesters, so it should be a relatively uneventful relay…
April 8th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Protesters! youwhat puts out a fire in a pinch? thats right urine.
you can thank me later.
April 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
When the torch got to Salt Lake City I couldn’t find my elephant so I had to resort to my ice shooting/flying skills and then all these little kids got in the way of the torch and they were all carrying lanterns and I got distracted and and the torch snuck right past me. Stupid children of the light.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Damned Wheelchairs…LESS RAMPS, LESS RAMPS!
Also, NO FREE BUS PASSES FOR WAR WIDOWS!
Also, HUNGRY? EAT A BABY!
April 8th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Cops on rollerblades, cops on rollerblades… I could swear I saw that movie some time in the early 90s. If I’m not mistaken, it starred Corey Haim.
April 8th, 2008 at 9:20 am
This was just terrific. If I had a sister, I’d genuinely be OK with you sleeping with her if you wanted.