O’Briographicon: The Wave of the Future
The Biographicon.
Have you heard of this thing? It’s the Wikipedia for people who would otherwise never make it into Wikipedia, (that’s you!). The object of the Biographicon is to give regular, everyday users the chance to edit and create their own biographies with the end goal of getting a bio for everyone on the planet.
The set up of the site is such that, at this point, anyone can edit anyone else’s biographies. Now, is this good news or bad news? That all depends on how you look at it. On the one hand, it removes some of the elitism that’s been plaguing Wikipedia lately, (an elitism, it should be noted, similar to the elitism that made Wikipedia necessary in the first place). On the other hand, by opening the doors to everyone, it’s difficult to stop people from viciously attacking the bios of other users for no discernible reason.
Granted, Biographicon has an editor or two that regularly checks to make sure no one is writing anything too awful or inaccurate, and generally these editors have a good eye for spotting false information and, usually, the offending information is soundly deleted.
But not always.
Me personally? I’m kind of into this Biographicon. I mean, I’m famous enough that Tina Fey will drastically change her mind in order to have sex with me, but not quite famous enough to end up in Wikipedia just yet. Until those Wikipedia fat cats realize that I do belong on their stupid site for jerks, Biographicon will have to do. Finally, I’ll have a page that details my whole life history.
I couldn’t create a page myself, though, (I’m far too busy and important, of course). So, I enlisted the help of Cracked.com’s Head Editor, Jack O’Brien.
“Jaquille O’Neil, I think we need to create a Biographicon entry for me. The sexiest fucking entry that stupid site has ever seen.” I told him when I entered his office this morning.
“Don’t call me that.” I was going to call him that again, I could just feel it. I paced around his office, shouting out ideas as they came to me.
“It’s got to be great, I told him.” I tossed a pen to him. Or at him. Whatever. “Start writing. Write ‘Daniel Joseph O’Brien was born in the Eighties in a little place just East of None-Of-Your-Fucking-Business. His mother was a Saint and his father is Optimus Prime. Nicknamed The Archbishop of Hip Hop, Daniel is a full-time blogger and a full-time Porking-Enthusiast.’…Actually, ‘Porking Enthusiast’ sounds a little sleazy. How about ‘The Jesus Christ of Boning’? Is ‘The Jesus Christ of Boning’ taken, as a title, or can that be mine? Yeah. Write that down. ‘Daniel O’Brien is The Jesus Christ of Boning. When not boning or blogging, (which is rare), Daniel can be found playing racquetball, at which he is adequate.’ Are you getting this, Jack Morris?”
“First of all, don’t call me that. Second of all, no, I haven’t been writing anything. You didn’t even throw me a pen, this is a pretzel log.” He held out the pen which was, indeed, a pretzel log. I took a bite. Jack started going through some papers on his stupid desk. “Actually, Dan, while we’re on the subject, Ethan Herdrick, the founder of the site, has been sending us emails. I think he’d really prefer it if you stayed away from Biographicon for a while. He says you’ve been posting some false and negative information on someone’s Biographicon profile.” I widened my eyes and shrugged my shoulders, as people often do when they are innocent of things.
“What do you mean? What profile?” Jack closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. That’s no way to treat the Jesus Christ of Boning.
“Don’t do this, Dan, you know which profile he’s talking about.”
“It’s sick, Dan, really, and it needs to stop. The Mabisms, the threatening letters you’ve been sending her, everything. Did you seriously get someone to record an anti-Hannah-Montana Heavy Metal song?” I remained silent on the matter, though, if I had spoken up, I’d have pointed out that it’s definitely a progressive metal song. There’s a difference. An awesome difference.
“Look, Jack-a-Mole, I don’t know anything about anyone’s profile other than my own. Which, by the by, you still haven’t written. Now, where was I? ‘Daniel O’Brien, a former costumed street-vigilante from Rhode Island has aspirations of either being President of America or sleeping with Danica McKellar. His likes include Chili’s, his abs, and vagina, and his dislikes include cats, Michael Swaim, and nuclear war. As the Archbishop of Hip Hop-”
“Dan I’m gonna cut you off right there because, again, I’m not writing any of this down. Also I’m pretty sure you’re violating your parole by being here. Before I have you escorted off the premises, I’m going to have to ask you to stay away from the Biographicon for a while. Also, stop calling Miley Cyrus from the Cracked Office Building and leaving disturbing messages. They can trace the calls, you know.” Oh, so suddenly breathing heavily and hanging up is a ‘disturbing message’ now? What’s this country coming to? I finished the rest of the pretzel log and started to leave. I know when I’m not wanted.
“I’ll leave, Jackson Browne, but only because I respect you.” Also, because two police officers were carrying me out of what I thought was Jack’s office but, upon second look, was apparently his bathroom. “But when I get back, we’re gonna straighten out this bio of mine, right?”
“Please don’t try to contact me again,” his mouth said. “Of course we are,” his eyes said. “Of course we are.”
April 4th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Let me just make this easier for everyone who reads this after me (ha, sloppy seconds!):
http://www.biographicon.com/view/v9r9j/Daniel_O_Brien
April 4th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
You do realize that saying “his abs, and vagina” implies something about you to people with bad grammar.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Kingmonkey +1, you are truly, truly a hero.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA………HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
April 4th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I claim responsibility for every word on the O’Briographicon. I trust you’ll find the additions in spirit of what makes up Daniel O’Brien.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
the spirit
April 4th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
You sir, are a God among men! should your no doubt upcoming “international bloggin’n'bangin’ world tour” ever bring you near Denmark i shall promptly purchase you our finest and cheapest beer.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Okay, guess you didn’t.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
You people do know that the sentence “As Arch-Bishop of Hip-Hop” must be finished, though. And were it not for some anonymous person deleting my words, this task would have been completed. But no, you had to go and be mean.
Mark my words, Cracked bloggers and commenters community, this will not go forgotten.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
it wasn’t as good as MABisms, but anything bad-mouthing Hanna Montana is a good thing
I wish to turn her into a can of SPAM
April 4th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I’ve got to admit, after seeing the forces of hatred DOB can clearly muster towards a target of his choosing, I got a brief chill down my spine when my name came up. I’m going to have to get back on your good side, sir… I notice you enjoy the occasional pretzel log; are you much for pressed or cured meats?
April 4th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Cured of what?
April 4th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
@Swaim: If I didn’t love bacon so much, I’d be furious over your abrupt side-switching…But as that isn’t the case, let’s be friends! (Bacon’s a cured meat, right? If it isn’t, you’re dead to me again.)
@Everyone else: I’ve gotta tell you, checking out my own Biographicon has been some of the most fun I’ve ever had. Whoever decided to add the Tina Fey connection has earned a special place in my heart.
April 4th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Wow, great post DOB. BTW, it’s been an hour and my edit to your bio remains.
April 4th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
awesome, truely awesome
April 4th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
This post had me laughing for what seemed like forever.
Sadly, I am all stuffed up from allergies so snot flew out of my nostrils as I laughed.
April 4th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
oh that makes me so happy that people are talking about my still unfinnished song. and in your defence you didn’t make me record anything, I did it for fun and contacted you. and yes it is progressive and quite awesome.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
That biography puts anything Michelangelo or Da Vinci ever accomplished to shame. You should be “The Duke of New York”.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
hmmmmmm, the Tina fey connection is missing…………..There, fixed that.
April 4th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I added both the Miley Cyrus and Tina Fey connection, originally. If I’m reading these comments correctly, they were deleted for some reason. Bastards.
April 4th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Consider you all re-connected.
April 4th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
…and they’re gone. It appears the jig is up, O’Brien. Although for some odd reason, a Michael Rooker connection still remains.
April 4th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Lex Friedman is my Jesus.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Wow You’re Jesus sucks.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Who the hell is Michael Rooker?
April 4th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Sly’s buddy in “Cliffhanger”.
April 5th, 2008 at 12:38 am
Oh, my Vigilante Hero. Will you ever stop being funny?
Let’s hope not… I don’t want to have to feed you to that kitten swallowing whore Montana.
I really don’t.
April 5th, 2008 at 12:56 am
This opens a whole new window of possibilities…we could all totally mess with DoB’s bio..just..like…that…
April 5th, 2008 at 6:22 am
First! Gotcha, you slowmo’s!!!
http://www.biographicon.com/talk/v9r9j/Daniel_O_Brien
(whoops, i think i made a typo on there, way to go, idiot)
April 5th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Ok, also, holly shit!! you’ve seen the archive?? how many changes is such little time…
April 5th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Dammit. I’m thinking those that respect the dignity of Tina Fey and Hannah Montana (pfft!) are getting rid of the connections.
THIS WILL NOT STAND
I simply MUST contribute the phrase ‘bone-o-rama’ to the internet somewhere myself.
April 5th, 2008 at 10:46 am
OMG!!!! This is hilarious!!!!
http://www.fakebuddy.com
April 5th, 2008 at 10:50 am
The jig is up! the co founder of the fucking site is the one removing the links.
http://www.biographicon.com/view/p6iop/Daniel_Terhorst
at least that what the archive says.
April 5th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Hahahahahaha.. That’s brilliant, I love the names for Jack (”Don’t call me that”)
This one’s almost as brilliant as SXSW. Jack just doesn’t understand your brilliance, and how brilliant people occassionally need to do some miscellanious pimping.
April 5th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Our mission should be two-fold: While we are busy showering praise on the sexy D.O.B., we could also descend upon the Miley Cyrus page en masse, and make the editors earn their keep.
April 5th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Speaking of Miley Cyrus I actually heard one of her songs for the first time last weekend and you know ……….. it really wasn’t that bad.
It was really kind of pleasurable to the ear. It had a real kind of 80’s feel to it and you could dance to it, I give it a 7.
April 5th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Is she a musician? I don’t actually know anything about her, apart from her blatant Snake-Monster agenda. Up until about four days ago, I just thought it was Dakota Fanning doing some kind of Borat thing.
April 5th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
you know Daniel, you should leave the Cyrus bio alone for a while, wait till some people post all they know about her, and then you’ll have lots and lots of info that you can use to kill/rape/bother/stalk her
April 5th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Yeah, there’s a couple techno song’s Hannah Montana has that are ok. The rest are crap though. I can see I need to change a few things, no one has him linked to Hannah Montana!
April 6th, 2008 at 6:33 am
Daniel O’Brien, if I was wearing a hat, I would tip it to you. Editing Biographicon is probably the most fun I’ve had this week. Who knew Dane Cook was a zombie? Well, as it turns out, I did. And now anyone who thoroughly reads his Biographicon will too.
I think the problem with Hannah Montana is her power over the forces of darkness. No edit will ever stick because she has an army of re-animated fetuses monitering her pages on Wikipedia, Biographicon and whatever else she is featured on at all times.
And yeah, in case you were wondering, she used her re-animation powers to bring forth zombie Dane Cook. That’s right, some beautiful person killed Dane Cook and Hannah Montana brought him back to life. Her evil is truly limitless.
April 6th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Would you please just start a religion already so I can officially worship you? You are The Jesus Christ of Boning after all….
April 6th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Ok, so i’ve added a new conection, Jack O’Brien. It would be nice to make the list there on all the names Daniel has for him.
April 6th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Huzzah! Hannah Montana can go curbstomp a retarded Vietnamese orphan for all I care, I HAVE MY REVENGE!!!
April 6th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Wild_Marker, I have added all the names from “I’m Not Qualified to Write This Post”. It would be nice to have a list. Especially if you happen to know someone else named Jack…. Those names are GOLD.
April 7th, 2008 at 2:54 am
This post has not only made hating Hannah Montanna funny again, it was the funniest thing I’ve seen on this site in ages.
April 7th, 2008 at 7:36 am
I would like to point out that I didn’t actually create the Daniel O’Brien page on Biographicon. I just found a blank entry with that name. I’m sure some other Daniel O’Brien is very confused right now.
April 7th, 2008 at 10:40 am
The only other Daniel O’Brien I know of is the one who won a medal or whatever for the Olympics or some bullshit. But he can choke to death like a stupid chump for all I care.
You can’t imagine how aggravating it is that, (for the time being, at least), a Daniel O’Brien exists that is more famous than me.
April 7th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Updated!!
You thought we’d forgotten about your musical career, and the secret source of your bitter feud with Hannah Montana? Not so, sir. Not so, at all.
April 7th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Finally, the truth comes out and now we know.
April 7th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Daniel Terhorst, eh? Sounds an aweful lot close to ‘terrorist’. Just sayin’.
April 7th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
*awful.
April 7th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I had the Wikipedia page all typed up and saved, but they gave me this “speedy deletion” notice. Bastards.
April 7th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I’ve moved on to Lex’s Biographiconography now.
April 7th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I recognize that the edits you guys have been making over the past few days have been all in good fun. I’ve had a few laughs because of them. You seem like decent people, and I appreciate the traffic, too.
A few minutes ago one of the cracked.com users crossed the border from all-in-good-fun to malicious. Because of this, I’ve reluctantly decided to lock down Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana’s biographies.
I want to apologize to all the rest of you for removing a source of amusement. I’m glad you’re having fun.
* Microsoft word does, indeed, spell-correct my name to Terrorist.
April 7th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
1. Ok, who’s the dumbass who actually went and screwed with the M.C./H.M biography? A sense of humor and common sense don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Now that I’ve gotten the motherly scolding out of the way…
2. I followed kingmonkey’s link the first day. I laughed so loud my son stopped playing his Nintendo DS and looked across the room. That’s right…he actually stopped playing that stupid, friggin’ machine without me having to rip it from his hands or hit him over the head with a 2-by-4. I was laughing that hard.
3. Um…just curious, how do you add a catagory like medical conditions or hobbies?
April 7th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
“I should warn you,” she began, “that we haven’t much time. Please; continue with your questions and-”
“We will go at whatever pace I see fit, Miss PoisonRatTailedSnake, (that’s not even a snake). If I want this discussion to last all night, then it will, understand? I don’t have to worry about being late for work or anything, because someone burned my god damn bar down.”
“Rebecca.”
“What the fuck did you just call me?” Is she serious?
“Rebecca. Call me Rebecca, please.” Rebecca. Was that it? That doesn’t have anything to do with snakes.
April 7th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
My dad is Optimus Prime too!
April 8th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Holy Crap, the guy who runs Biographicon came to our fucking blog! AND he was forced to lock HM/MC’s Bio! I really feel like we made a difference today, gang.
Also, I am DYING to know what was posted that crossed the line. I mean, I went into pretty thorough detail about her history of abortions last week and that, evidently, wasn’t enough to lock her Biographicon.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:11 am
http://www.biographicon.com/view/tqorb
Can someone apologize to Lex Friedman for me?
April 8th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
The last known edit in the archives before Daniel Terhorst locked it up…
“Yesterday at 3:21 PM CDT. … Anonymous (81.154.37.97) edited section #1, ‘Overview’: Edited content.”…
“…Overview
Destiny Hope “Miley” Cyrus (born November 23, 1992) is an American actress, singer, songwriter, and Snake Monster. …”
But it was probably this…
“Yesterday at 3:21 PM CDT. …Anonymous (81.154.37.97) changed name to F*ck you :). Anonymous (81.154.37.97) changed description to ‘You’re a Douchebag’. ”
which came after Mr. Terhorst had edited this out…
“Yesterday at 3:19 PM CDT….Anonymous (81.154.37.97) changed name to I Can Do This All Goddamn Day, buttmunch :D. ”
I get the feeling that the “revisions” to the biography may not have been the final straw so much as the taunts to the website administrator. The guy was pretty laid back, if you ask me(which no one is). What do you suppose Wong would’ve done in his place ?
April 9th, 2008 at 7:31 am
It’s all fun and games until someone pisses off an admin. Whoever it was, way to ruin everyone else’s fun. I guess we’ll just have to find other pages to edit. Have I mentioned how much of a douche Dane Cook is?
April 9th, 2008 at 9:44 am
While I’m not personally opposed to someone adding the prestigious “Massengill Lifetime Acheivment Award” to the Awards section on Dane Cook’s bio, it appears that Mr. Terhorst has gotten wise to our antics and has rather gently set some boundries.
Just a suggestion…
what’dya say we keep the fun “in-house” ? Daniel’s bio still seems incomplete to me.
I’ve also noticed that Gladstone, Swaim and Wollinski don’t have a page. Shockingly, neither does Hippolyte Acouturier.
April 9th, 2008 at 11:43 am
“Little Vids” Wolinsky definitely needs a bio, if only to market the new nickname I’ve coined.
April 9th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
For any O’Brien fans in the Milwaukee area: Walt Disney Studios is looking for extras to appear in the major motion picture, the “Hannah Montana” movie, based on a hit television series starring the well known pop teen sensation, Miley Cyrus. Female or Male - All Ethnicities - 13 & Over EXTRAS.
http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/tlg/632490921.html
April 9th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Thanks for the heads up, lbh.
And, holy crap. Do you folks see this? “For any O’Brien fans in the Milwaukee area: Walt Disney Studios is looking for extras to appear in the major motion picture, the “Hannah Montana” movie”-Talent Scout.
Is that a regular commenter trying to be ironic, or is there some seriously out of touch member of Disney Studios who read “Hannah Montana” in this post and decided to spam our comment section? You’re looking for extras for a Hannah Montana movie, so you come here? This is the WORST place to find Hannah Montana fans. (Second worst place? Pro-Life Rally.) But, seriously, if any of the eight readers of this blog ARE in the Milwaukee area, please, please PLEASE try to be an extra for this movie.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Sadly I’m New England. Also from the ad…”Compensation: $125-250 “.
Cheap bastards! That girl has generated 100’s of millions of dollars for herself and Disney.
Did you notice how it specifies “13 & Over ..” ? I’m bet Disney’s insurance carrier refuses to cover the movie if any babies or small children come within striking range of Hannah Montana’s evil tentacles of death.
Sorry D., no ads in Rhode Island, but I did find this for Maine….
http://maine.craigslist.org/tlg/636566487.html Swaim ?
April 9th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
If someone can get into that film wearing a Cracked.com t-shirt, or really any reference to Cracked… That would be the greatest thing ever.
April 9th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Did someone say Maine…
April 9th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
correction: I’m *in New England.
Oy
April 9th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Er…you might want to check the ad a little closer Gladstone.
April 10th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Apparently those Hannah Montana ads are all over craigslist. This was also this posted on craigslist as well… http://phoenix.craigslist.org/tfr/628011292.html
“… Date: 2008-04-02, 2:28PM MST
Disney studios does not use Craigslist
nor does any large production company. Do not endanger your teenager by contacting this person. Yes I worked in film for 10 years, (production not background) yes a few times I found my own kids extras work. Casting companies are used. Not all charge a fee, the one I used did not charge for listing my kids in (LA). Again, please anyone looking to get into film production go to a repuatable casting company.”
Oh well, you could always have a little fun at this guy’s expense…
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/muc/634437117.html
April 10th, 2008 at 1:25 am
You know what? If someone could get into that Maine one in a Cracked t-shirt, that would equally or possibly more awesome than getting into the Hannah Montana movie.
April 11th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
im glad i found someone who hates hannah montana almost as much as i do.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:56 am
O’brien, you sadistic Jew fuck, you murdered an innocent alcoholic Irish man to steal his identity. We all know it, you aren’t fooling anyone. And you aren’t adequate when it comes to racquetball, I’ve had better games using my dick as the fucking racquet. Nazi.
April 19th, 2008 at 8:07 am
… what?
April 25th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
[…] a few months, we’ve contributed hundreds of Mabisms and gotten Montana’s Biographicon locked. Just go ahead and search around the internet for a while and you will see anti-Montana sentiments […]
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June 12th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
my change still stands………………..
June 25th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I just wanted to make sure to take credit for the update to DOB’s biographicon regarding his projects…the one about ninja’s. I’ve never been able to succesfully use that line as a pick-up, but I’m pretty sure Dan could say anything so long as his abs are there to help out.
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