The Mills/McCartney divorce ruling is in, and while I don’t have access to some of the more guarded court transcripts, I believe the official verdict is that Mills is an insufferable bitch.

At least that’s what I glean from this article, whose bias is made clear if only by the photo they chose to use of Mills looking like a gull shrieking for a bite of your hot dog.

She was able to wrangle more than 20 million pounds, which in American money is about nineteen billion dollars, which is so much money that I imagine her prosthetic leg will soon be replaced by a staff of crystal, jet-leg, or simply be fashioned out of thousand dollar bills.

And how did she manage that? First, by pissing off the judge, who called her “less than candid,” “unreasonable and exorbitant” and “a bitch on wheels.”

She also claimed to give 80 to 90 percent of her income to charity each year—and thus be stone cold broke—when in fact “her tax returns disclose no charitable giving at all.” Hey, she’s just like me! Except for her being a huge bitch, of course.

Mills then attempted to silence court documents that would reveal her as, you know, a bitch, called the 70,000 dollar a year childcare payment she’ll be receiving “inadequate,” and threw water on Paul McCartney’s lawyer.

Headlines like “Money Can’t Buy Her Love” were inevitable, although I imagine there are a few other Beatles covers Paul is humming to himself these days:

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael moves into the finals of the Youtube Sketchies II contest as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets! Thanks to all who voted for us!

Girl’s Mom Is A Stupid Fucking Idiot

You know what is the absolute worst? When your stupid fucking mom gives you your brand new Lexus ON THE WRONG DAY. Seriously. How hard is it to get that right, mom? Buy me the Lexus, throw me the party, then give me the Lexus ON THE DAY OF THE PARTY. Do I have to write it down for you? Christ.

That’s why I don’t understand why this video is titled “Spoiled Girl Cries Over Getting A Lexus.” The problem isn’t that she’s spoiled; it’s that her STUPID FUCKING IDIOT of a mother can’t get the timing right.

You only turn 15 once. Most people get married more than once these days, so in a way, a 15th birthday is more special than a wedding. Considering that, I think it’s totally understandable that this girl would want it to be absolutely perfect, and what could make your party more perfect than receiving a $60,000 gift that you aren’t legally allowed to drive yet? It WOULD’VE been perfect, I guess… you know, if mom hadn’t gone and fucked everything up. When you see shitty parenting like that it’s just about enough to make you puke.

So when you read YouTube comments that say things like:

“Fucking. Stupid. Whore. I would fuck her up.” - Suprcassanova

“I hope she gets pregnant.” - RIShearer1985

Just remember that they’re all misdirected. And if you’re a 15 year old girl who cries when you receive a luxury car for your birthday, think about this video, reassure yourself that your mom is a total bitch who wants to ruin your life, then tell her you hate her and cry your little eyes out. You earned it, little princess!

Normally, I wouldn’t comment on a video. That’s really an art best left to semi-literate, secular, Satanists like my cohort Ross Wolinsky, but while cruising FoxNews, I saw something truly shocking. A story on Lindsay Lohan that defied all expectations.

Was she high? No. Was she having anonymous sex with a stranger? No. Was she exposing her genitalia? No. So where’s the story?

Well, according to FoxNews, LiLo was furious that photographers were snapping pictures of her from behind. Click here to watch Lindsay get mad FoxNews teased.

So I clicked. I must say, her level of anger is truly terrifying. The way she screams. The flailing of arms, the spewing of expletives, the way she devours a baby kitten alive. Or the way she actually does none of that. Personally, I’ve gotten more pissed off waiting in a fast food drive thru line.

But God bless FoxNews. Why would you ever let photographic evidence prevent you from writing a story about a “fuming” celebutante who “stormed off”? Oh, and God bless FoxNews for encrypting its vids with some code that required me to do the most awkward screen shot of all time. (And yes, I tried full screen, but it didn’t work).

Robotic Dogs Are Coming To Kill You

Remember when everyone was freaking out about killer bees? Back in the 90s they were the imminent threat du jour, pressing northward in a buzzing swarm of honey, stingers and death. We were completely terrified knowing that these insanely aggressive bees were coming to destroy us all…

And then nothing happened. The killer bees never really showed up (other than in a few parts of the southwest), America turned its attention to other, more pressing matters (like, oh, I don’t know… TERRORISM?), and the vast majority of our great nation avoided the stinging wrath that was supposed to have been the killer bees.

That being said, allow me to introduce you to our latest national crisis. Fuck a bunch of bees¹ - we’ve got robot dogs² to worry about.

Why would the scientific community do this to us? Don’t we already have enough to worry about in the world without robot dogs running around our forests, adding knowledge to their AI databases until they’re ready to come kill us all with ruthless efficiency? What possible reason did scientists have to create such a thing? I can only come up with a few possibilities:

All perfectly valid, but none of them really do anything for me. The only benefit I get from this development is that I now get to live with the knowledge that there’s a robot dog out there somewhere; one that can almost certainly outrun me on pretty much any type of terrain. Thanks, scientists.

¹ Warning: Do NOT actually attempt to fuck a bunch of bees.

² I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s a “Robot Dog” wikipedia entry.

PLUG (YOU MAY SKIP THIS PART IF YOU HAVE ALREADY VOTED FOR “THE HOT FARTS” EVERY DAY THIS WEEK): Vote for “The Hot Farts” every day this week. That’s our sketch that’s in the semi-finals of the Youtube Sketchies 2 contest. Help us win 40 grand. Just ’cause. Vote here. You have to click “next video” till you see ours, then give it the ‘ol thumbs up. Attaboy!

I promised myself I wouldn’t blog about Eliot Spitzer after this video basically did the whole thing to perfection. But technically, this post is about ex-Governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey, who decided that coming out of the closet and resigning last year wasn’t enough, and that it would be a good idea to wait twelve months and then publicly admit to bisexual threesomes with his aide.

Frankly, it’s the timing of the whole thing that makes me suspicious…one Northeastern Governor gets unseated thanks to a juicy sex scandal, then another does, then the first guy comes up with even more juicy elaborations on his sexcapades. Seems to me like someone’s missing the ol’ spotlight. Well, no worries Mr. McGreevey; I think after your little public dispute with Spitzer via press conference (embedded below for your viewing pleasure), you’re going right back on the front page. Of this blog, anyway.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael photoshops men having sex with cats as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Jim Carrey on American Idol

You know what would be weird? Climbing the ranks of Toronto’s stand-up comedy scene to eventually become a successful headlining comedian, launching a massively successful television and film career, then suddenly finding yourself dressed up in a crappy elephant costume exchanging niceties with Ryan Fucking Seacrest to hawk your latest crappy and instantly-forgettable movie. Wouldn’t that be weird?

It’s easy to think of this as an example of Jim Carrey “falling from grace.” That sounds great and raises the stakes of the video and everything, but c’mon - can you really “fall from grace” when your whole career rests soundly on a foundation made of funny faces? I’m not going to totally shit on the guy - the kid in me still loves Ace Ventura, and Eternal Sunshine and The Truman Show were both pretty good - but aside from a handful of exceptions, the obvious trend in the Carrey canon has been a not-so-subtle slide downward. (Although he admittedly set the bar pretty high for himself).

I’m not going to cry “SELLOUT!” either (I don’t think anyone ever thought of Jim Carrey as having street cred or expected him to “keep it real” or anything), nor am I going to say that this clip really surprises me; Jim Carrey could dress up like an adult baby and make a “boom boom” in a Huggies commercial tomorrow and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Instead, I’m going to offer a tip to Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, and every other aging comedian who gets crappier and crappier with each passing year: just retire, guys. Seriously - you’ve made like a bazillion dollars already. Instead of spending your time making these wretched children’s movies, why not go spend some time with your ACTUAL children? They miss you more than we will, I promise.

So have you heard about this site RateMyCop.com? It’s a place where users can sign up and write reviews of their dealings with police officers, all based on this massive database of cops from across the country. Although the site doesn’t include personal information like home addresses, or the names of undercover officers, police organizations have roundly condemned the site, and the resulting controversy has gotten it kicked off a couple hosting providers. Seeing as we already have sites that rank the popularity of movies, video games, and Cracked articles, what’s wrong with a site that ranks cops? Are the police just being babies here?

Right off the bat the site has a huge problem. Any data gathered will have a pretty strong selection bias - people who have positive interactions with the police are unlikely to visit the site, so the only people to write reviews will be the ones with complaints. Statisticians refer to this as the “whiny bitch bias.” The whole site could very easily turn into a big cop-hating bitch fest. Anyone who’s predisposed to disliking cops, will upon visiting the site be presented with a litany of evidence that all police everywhere are arrogant dicks. The truth - that no more than 60% of the nation’s police officers are arrogant dicks - will be lost on them.

On a positive note, rich new veins of pig/bacon/pork related humor may be discovered and exploited within the site’s forums.

Any attempts to compare police officers or rank them will also be flawed (Try to imagine this site not having a top 10 list of the worst cops in the union.) Police officers will have different reviews based on their different duties and the community they work in. An officer who works traffic duty is going to be taking a lot more flak than that guy they send out to talk at school assemblies. And a straight laced cop might unfairly garner negative reviews if he was teamed up with a burnt out cop who plays by his own rules.

Also, how will the site handle cops who are identical twins?

From the police’s point of view, the worst case scenario here is sadly very plausible: Certain individual cops will be singled out on the site, unfairly or not, and will then be harassed by the site’s most ire-some members. Maybe that harassment will be of the legal variety (formal complaints,) but what if it’s the distinctly illegal sort (poo in the mailbox?) Clearly unacceptable, but it also hasn’t happened yet. Can a site be shut down because it may one day be the root cause of a hazmat team gingerly holding a mailbox in a pair of enormous tongs? Probably not, I guess.

Most importantly, and I say this in my full legal authority as a Cracked blogger, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing actually illegal about this concept at all. Police officers are public figures, their names and badge numbers are public information, and complaints about them are already handled in the open. Any attempts to make police officers more anonymous or to make police-work less transparent should be strongly resisted, lest it provoke a wave of bloggers flooding the Internet with clumsy references to 1984, or worse, Judge Dredd.

In short, I think the site could so either good or harm, but probably not much of either. Consequently, I don’t think it should be illegal, but I also won’t be checking it out. Kind of like fecalphilia, or American Idol.

___

Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

Don’t know if you’ve checked the U.S. section of CNN’s website lately, but they do this thing where they split America up into four sections to help you decide which part of our great land sucks more.

Well, in truth, that might not be their actual intent, but that’s the end result because they only seem to pick the most horrifyingly prurient stories they can find. The stories are in no way meant to be specific to the region’s particularized issues. There’s no terror alert section for the Northeast, no Hollywood minute for the West. It’s just stories about teenagers pushing grandmas down stairways for welfare checks.

So here’s the deal. I thought I’d give you four stories. One of them I’ll make up.

See if you can spot the fake.

And then vote on the most horrifying.

NORTHEAST

5 kids were removed from a home filled with feces, buckets of urine, and bedbugs. All of them were under nine. No parents were on the premises.

SOUTH

An Iraqi soldier currently at Fort Pierce, Florida was indicted for sending child porn to an undercover detective.

MIDWEST

An Ohio principal resigned after it was discovered he was writing erotic poetry under the name Antonio Love.

WEST

Cracked Blogger Michael Swaim attempted to rape his neighbor’s dog, but failed due to impotence.

Can you spot the fake story? That’s right. The Midwest. The principal’s actual pen name was Michael Swaim.

So, based on these CNN news stories, which section of America is the worst?

…and btw,

Gladstone’s Personal Weight Loss Update — Total Loss At Day 13: Three pounds.

9 more to go to no longer consider myself overweight. 19 in order to resume my old job as a Calvin Klein underwear model.

Man Walking Into Glass (An Oldie But Goodie)

Back in the not-so-distant past, it was possible for someone to casually walk away after smashing their face into a plate glass window. Maybe a few people saw you do it, but once you got in your car and drove away that was pretty much the end of the story. For the most part, an embarrassing moment like that stayed between you, the plate of glass, and maybe the guy who corrals the shopping carts. It was a simpler time and we liked it that way.

But that was the not-so-distant past, and this is the not-at-all-distant present: one teeming with surveillance cameras in every public nook and cranny. In this crazy, futuristic dystopia, if you walk into a plate glass window and smash your face, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to be captured on camera, and if you get caught on camera smashing your face into a plate glass window, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to end up on YouTube. Bad news for you, the person whose face just got smashed, but for the rest of us here on the internet it’s nothing short of a blessing.

I feel bad for this guy to a certain extent. I’m sure that smashing his face on that plate glass window hurt like hell, and having thousands of people laughing at him probaby isn’t helping matters either, but at some point doesn’t our laughter make up for his pain? After a few thousand people have laughed at him on YouTube, doesn’t that outweigh his one moment of agonizing face-pain?

If I’m wrong we’re just laughing at other peoples’ misfortunes, but if I’m right? If I’m right we’re improving the net amount of happiness in the world by watching this guy smash his face on a plate glass window. Let me put it another way: We’re basically saving the world the world right now. Pat yourself on the back.

For some reason, I’m filled with a fetishistic glee at the ongoing demise of the record industry. Maybe it’s just the nerd in me thrilling to the birth of a new distribution medium, or maybe it’s that growing up, Dad used to break Velvet Revolver records on our backs when we were bad.

Whatever the case, I was pleased to see that even the most routine happening in the music world—like the start of the SXSW music festival in Austin—is as a matter of course paired with a discussion of record executives jumping out of office windows to their deaths and RIAA lawyers furiously and laughably suing people they choose at random off the street.

The next interesting thing to see will be where bands are making money once physical media is purchased only by anachronistic hold-outs who get off on self-indulgent liner notes (ie, Gladstone). The consensus in rock journalism seems to be that we’re going to return to the era of the wandering minstrel, when musicians earned their keep only through live performance and the occasional ballad about dragon slaying.

Which is romantic, but would probably lead to the premature dissolution of a lot of great, broke future bands. The more likely reality is that musicians will be getting a larger share of their own profits, and more directly, but they’ll have to be a little more clever about finding ways to generate it:

Of course they’ll have to offer a souvenir, like a nice signed photo of the sex act and a piece of chocolate with the band logo on it.

Speaking of Spitzer, there’s the new paradigm in action for you right there. Governor fucks prostitute, prostitute releases R&B singles online, prostitute becomes rich 98 cents at a time. That’s very likely to become a classic story as home production and distribution gets easier.

So I guess what I’m saying is entering a new age of music distribution isn’t necessarily going to make any of it any better. You’ll just get it differently. Like getting fucked in the ears with an ice pick instead of a seed drill. And that’s nice, right?

Vote for Michael’s entry in the YOUTUBE SKETCHIES II Semi-Finals by clicking this link, then “next video” on the randomizer until you see his (”The Hot Farts”), then on the thumbs up. Complicated, isn’t it? Well, do it once per day per registered youtube account.