Carson City Council Smack

This is exactly why I stopped going to city council meetings. Everything is going along just fine, you’re sitting there minding your own business listening to a deposition, and then BAM - some old lady taps you gently on the back of the head with a handful of papers. You’re momentarily stunned, possibly in shock, but then it wears off a few seconds later and you suddenly realize how much pain you’re in. That’s when you let out an ear-splitting shriek, grab the armrest and gingerly hurl yourself to the floor. That’s why I stopped going to city council meetings - because that kept happening to me ALL THE TIME.

These days I spend most of my days at the city treasurer’s office. Things are a lot quieter there, and they have a handful of outdated general interest magazines in the lobby, so I get a lot of reading done, too. It might not be the most exciting way to while away the day, but at least it’s not, you know, DANGEROUS. Not like those city council meetings in Carson, California.

In case you were wondering, the “assailant” in this video is a woman named Vera Robles DeWitt. She’s a former mayor of Carson herself, and based on her website - which features a screenshot from the video right there on the main page, not to mention a whole press section (I’m apparently the last person to see this video) - I can only assume that she wants people to watch this clip. Probably to help clear her name of the (no joke) misdemeanor battery charges that were filed against her. You know - for gently tapping that woman on the back of the head with a handful of papers.

I guess the moral of the story is “Fuck Carson, California.”

As the elections grow ever nearer, I find myself forced into an awkward, uncomfortable position which I don’t relish: that of being informed, often against my will, about politics.

Here I am minding my own business, innocently searching Starpulse for terms like “Madonna abortion” and “Spears fucks bear?” only to be confronted by the horrible visage of sober, reflective analysis regarding our nation’s future.

Imagine my relief then, when I stumbled upon this article about Hillary Clinton lying about taking sniper fire during a visit to Bosnia. It’s not only got all of the unnecesarry dramatics of a TMZ article, it focuses entirely on an irrelevant character flaw rather than any issue that will actually affect anything. Perfect blogging fodder!

So here we go: Are we really going to act shocked and angry when we find out a politician has embellished a story in order to impress everyone? Tall tales are the grist of the political machine. George Washington and the cherry tree, Hamilton and his tragic duel, McKinley’s robot eye.

All are beloved political tales, all surely embellished (for example, most historians now agree that the Washington story is apocryphal, and that McKinley’s eye was far less advanced than he led his cabinet to believe).

Getting pissed when a politician lies to you is like getting pissed when a grandparent dies on your birthday. It’s just not their fault; it’s what they do.

Still, the juicyness of it is awesome, and I guess it says something about HIllary’s character. Although adding “liar” to “severe, impersonal cuckoldress” doesn’t really do all that much for me.

Not that I’m against her; I think if women are allowed to vote, we might as well let them vote for another woman (what’s next? Voting horses?!).

But as a blogger and source of impartial observation, I believe it’s my solemn duty to have no political opinions whatsoever. It also keeps me from having to talk to anyone about their political views, which is a huge plus for me.

Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I’d eat your brain and steal your thoughts.

In the meantime, Hillary, try and stick to heroic lies that are totally unverifiable: your battles with stealthy ninja hordes, your out-of-body confrontations with Satan, your intantaneous and invisible savings of various kingdoms of gnomes.

You may not win the election, but you greatly increase the chances your life story will get optioned for film.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael dodges sniper fire as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

The Coolest Toy Around

If you’re like like me (or any of the other Cracked bloggers, for that matter), you have an absolutely ridiculous amount of disposable income. Figuring out new ways to get rid of all that excess cash can be stressful at times, but hey - that’s why God created Hammacher Schlemmer¹.

For me, personally, it all started with the Flying Alarm Clock. I was like, “Whoa, sweet! The little propeller thing flies across the room and then the alarm won’t turn off until you put it back on the base! What a great way to ensure that I get out of bed in the morning!” Then I picked up a Computerless E-Mail Printer and a Snowboarding Simulator, but for some reason I still felt empty. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong; I was getting rid of all my money, and my apartment with filling up with useless garbage, but for some reason I still felt like something was missing. Then I stumbled across this video and realized what it was:

I needed a Motorized Monocycle.

True - it set me back $13,000. True - it bears a striking resemblance to that Segway parody from South Park. True - I look like a complete ass when I’m riding around on it, but you know what? Those are all small prices to pay for the happiness that owning a Motorized Monocycle brings me.

Except the part about the $13,000, I guess.

Now all I need is a Levitating Hover Scooter. You know - so I have something to tow the Motorized Monocycle with if it breaks down. Oh - and a $50,000 replica of the robot from Forbidden Planet. After that I’ll be pretty much set.

¹ Little known fact: God created Hammacher Schlemmer first thing in the morning on the eighth day.

Last night, the official lighting of the Olympic torch for the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics was disrupted by activists, who were protesting either torches, China’s human rights record, or both. This disruption follows several weeks of protests in the part of China called Tibet where many are upset over the fact that Tibet is in the part of China called Tibet, and not somewhere else. Depending on whether you ask the Chinese government or someone who isn’t lieing, anywhere from 30 to 130 people have already died there, a situation that probably won’t improve when the army is sent in to “crush” them.

Yes, that’s the Chinese state paper that said “crush” in reference to protesters, and no, I don’t know if the Chinese have a term for “faux pas.” Also, Holy Shit.

All of this has re-ignited the debate about whether, given China’s long history of human rights “whoopsies,” it was a smart idea to award the Olympics to Beijing in the first place, and whether it might be a good idea to boycott the games now. The idea being that any such boycott would in theory be of such embarrassment to China that they’d stop silencing/imprisoning/killing their citizens immediately, or at least feel really bad about it for awhile. And instead of watching the Olympics this August, the rest of the world would focus their attention on some other progressive and pro-human rights endeavor, unless Bono wanted to be involved, in which case we’d probably just do nothing.

One argument against such a boycott is that by doing so we’ll be punishing innocent athletes who have nothing to do with China’s adorable idiosyncrasies. I do sympathize with the athletes here; devoting years of your life towards the fucking discus must suck enough as is. Then to have your one chance at 15 seconds of lukewarm fame snatched away before you can even get your unnecessarily heavy disc out of its holster… well… that is legitimately heartbreaking. But let’s face it: in the grand scheme of things, the welfare of a billion Chinese is probably more important than the personal glory of a handful of athletes. Hell, the menu at Taco Bell probably has more bearing on the mental health and well-being of the world than the fate of some Olympic athletes.

Another argument against a boycott is that the Olympics shouldn’t be turned into a political tool. Yesterday, International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge announced that the IOC was not a political organization, and refused to allow the Olympics to become part of a political discussion on China’s human rights issues. That’s patently ridiculous of course, because in practically the same sentence he also said that he hoped that by awarding the Olympics to Beijing, the games would serve as a catalyst for change in China - an entirely political act. The idea that the Olympics should be political right up until the point that being political becomes politically inconvenient is perhaps the most political sentiment I’ve ever heard. Also, confusing.

Nevertheless, there doesn’t seem to be any serious danger of a boycott going forward, given that most of the arguments for one are coming from disheveled looking Tibetans, and most of the arguments against come from tie-wearing Olympic executives, who are often standing behind important looking podiums. Like most Cracked writers, my personal fashion sense can be broadly classified as “wartime refugee” so I similarly don’t expect my arguments to make much dent in the Olympic juggernaut. I just wanted to rap at you for a bit, and also take an unnecessary swing at Bono.

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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

So it seems Radiohead has sponsored a contest that offers fans a chance to create a video for any song off In Rainbows.

For all those interested in winning, I’ve made the following tutorial:

Also, as a special bonus: How many Cracked.com Blog references are in this video?

The McCain Girls - It’s Raining McCain

Just the other day I had a great idea for a new business: a day care center where random strangers off the street pay by the hour to play with other peoples’ children. It’s awesome because I’d be getting money from both the parents and the random people off the street, and I wouldn’t even need any employees - it’d be just me sitting at a table, counting hundred dollar bills and laughing maniacally.

There would also be a juice bar.

It seemed like a great idea at first, but when I told a friend of mine about it he was like, “That’s the worst idea of all time.” Then he explained all the problems with the concept, and I was like, “Holy shit - you’re right. How did I not think of all those problems you just named?” That’s the great thing about having friends - when you bounce an idea off them, they’re usually more than happy to tell you that it’s terrible.

And that’s how I know that the three girls in this video are not friends. If they were, when one of these women approached the other two and said, “I have a great idea: Let’s make a video of ourselves singing ‘It’s Raining McCain’ and put it up on YouTube,” one of them would have said, “That’s a terrible idea.” If they were actually friends, when one of them wrote down the lyric “I’m gonna go out and let myself get absolutely John McCain,” don’t you think one of them would’ve been like, “That doesn’t even make any fucking sense - this is a horrible idea and I don’t think I want to be friends with you anymore”?

I’m actually starting to think this might have been made by Obama supporters - possibly the same people who made that horrendous Hillary Clinton song - but I don’t really have any time for further investigation; I have this business I’m starting and I’m supposed to be meeting with some of the investors later this afternoon. If all goes well, we’ll be the first all-in-one muffler shop/laundromat/erotic massage joint in America. What can I say? Some people are just born entrepreneurs.

If there’s anything classic rock nerds lust after more than a night with Chrissie Hynde, it’s the oft-heard promise of NEW BEATLES TRACKS.

Most of them…okay, us…would gladly shell out for a box set of recordings of John Lennon slowly decomposing, as long as it had some light harpsichord and a message of universal love.

But all good things must end, and the ever-diminishing pool of unreleased, re-mastered, and pre-un-de-recorded tracks of the boys improvising into a shitty 8-track means that every “new Beatles track” is inevitably scraped from an even deeper, heretofore unexplored part of the barrel.

Tupac they ain’t.

This week’s scrapings are a few recordings of the Beatles playing at a club in Germany. The quality is dubious, and it’s reputed to be Ringo’s first performance with the band.

For those who haven’t heard about Ringo’s arduous journey towards adequacy, his first performance probably looked like an orangutan flailing at a particularly stubborn coconut.

Have we gotten to this point? Is there really an appreciable market for what is likely the third most regrettable moment of the Beatles’ existence (the second being Lennon’s assassination and the first being that bitch Heather Mills scamming Paulie out of his “Yesterday” money)?

Does it really take a lawsuit from Apple Records to keep the hordes of decrepit Beatles fans from bursting down the door in an attempt to get their grubby hands on a slice of the one decade when their opinions were relevant?

The answer to all of these questions is of course an emphatic yes. I will be the first in line to buy not only the album, but also the accompanying coffee table book detailing its creation. Hooray capitalism!

Also, hey, how was your Easter? My delicious-ham to violent-family-meltdown ratio was up this year…truly, the Lord moves in all of us.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael harasses the estate of George Martin as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

I will no longer sleep with Tina Fey if she asks me to.
That’s right. I mean, the New York Times will probably be running my official “I Will No Longer Sleep With Tina Fey If She Asks Me To” announcement sometime next week, but I wanted you, the Cracked Readers, to hear it first, and to hear it from me. Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking:


Your thoughts:“Horseshit, O’Brien. Of course you will. You appreciate her smart, quirky, self-deprecating sense of humor and you can’t deny that her skin looks incredibly soft. Also, you’ve always had a thing for powerful women, particularly ones that rock sexy librarian glasses, and no one rocks them quite as hard as Tina.”


That all might be true-


Your thoughts: “It is true, God Dammit.”


Okay, alright, take it easy. You’re right. I’ll admit, at one point in my life, I most certainly would have graciously accepted Tina Fey’s generous boning invitation. There was a time, not too long ago, when all I thought about was receiving Tina Fey’s Please-Come-Over-And-Bone-Me-Silly text message late at night. “Sure thing,” I’d cooly reply. “I’ll be there soon,” I’d add, also cooly. Then I’d drive over in my 97 Nissan Sentra and I’d pop in my homemade, totally romantic Now That’s What I Call Boning Mixed CD, (it’s basically a Barry White album plus one track of me grunting while lifting weights). The rest, as they say, would be history. Ass history.




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If You Seriously Still Haven’t Gotten Enough Of Guitar Hero, Here’s A Slightly Shittier Version Of It That You Can Play ANYWHERE YOU WANT

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of being chained to my television when I want to play Guitar Hero. The wireless controller was a nice attempt, but it still kept me stuck in my living room. I want complete and total freedom of movement when I rock out, you know? I’m sick of looking like a total fucking douchebag playing Guitar Hero in the privacy of my own home. If only there was a way that I could play Guitar Hero… IN PUBLIC! On the train, in the food court at the mall, in the office break room; If possible, I’d like to be able to look like a prick anywhere I go.

That used to be just a pipe dream, but come Summer 2008 that pipe dream will finally become a pipe reality!

And what better way to announce the coming Guitar Hero DS revolution than with what may possibly be the most instantly-dated commercial I’ve ever seen. Look at that guy and that girl. They are ready to ROCK! You can tell because they brought their Nintendo DS’s and copies of Guitar Hero onto that rooftop, and they’re totally rocking out in front of… what skyline is that? San Antonio, Texas? Yeah - they’re totally rocking out in front of the San Antonio skyline. If that isn’t enough to convince you that Guitar Hero DS is the premiere game of Summer 2008, then I don’t what will.

If I didn’t know the product was brand spankin’ new I would assume that this commercial was made in 1992. The only explanation I can come up with is that Guitar Hero DS is early 90s themed and features hits by Spin Doctors and Counting Crows. Oh well - at least it works on rooftops!

When you think Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, a few images come to mind: the pale body of a ravaged young woman, kids on witness stands pointing to various parts of dolls, and the eccentric but whimsical son of a deceased toy mogul.

What’s that? That last one? Why, it’s simply Mr. Robin Williams’ newest genre-testing experiment in “taking whatever role they give me.” Ever since he blue-balled me by NOT raping that couple at the end of One Hour Photo, I for one have been eagerly awaiting this moment.

And I’m already making predictions about the landmark 200th episode. One writer has said that he “couldn’t imagine anyone else in the role.” From that, I think it’s safe to assume that Williams will be playing a psychotically split child molester who can speak only in impressions of outdated celebrities and is sustained by a bottomless stash of cocaine.

And to those who see this as a bad fit, I point to SVU’s long tradition of casting faded comedians as sexual deviants. Jerry Lewis, Bob Saget, Chevy Chase and Martin Short have all taken turns playing “bad boys” on the old L&O. Dunn dunn indeed.

In the end, what I’m most excited about is the inevitable 300th episode, wherein Jim Carey will portray an animated elephant with an unfortunately roaming trunk.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael tracks the decline of more successful comedians as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!