Angelina Jolie Has Diabetes and is Going to Sleep With Me, and Other Proof That God is Dead
It seems Angelina Jolie may have been snacking a little too long on the sweet, sweet man candy that is Brad Pitt. She has diabetes, or, as Wilfred Brimley would say, “DIABETUS.”
Before you start weeping and gnashing your teeth, you should know that it’s a special kind of Diabetes that only beautiful pregnant actresses can get, it isn’t permanent, and it apparently makes her so glow so vivaciously that Brad Pitt must avert his gaze at all times.
Fortunately, doctors say miss Jolie’s affliction can be cured simply through diet and exercise. Judging from the fact that most pregnant women look like they had an allergic reaction to the shellfish section of the buffet and she looks like all it did was make her lips even more luscious and pouty, I’d say the diet part is firmly in place.
As for exercise, I’ve been told my brand of laborious, six-hour lovemaking is one of the best full-body workouts you can get. And unlike some other Cracked bloggers, I have few qualms about banging gorgeous celebrities (as long as we keep the lights off and don’t talk).
Come to me, Angelina. The doctor is in, and he’s prepared to work muscles you didn’t even know you had, provided you have only a rudimentary understanding of human anatomy.
On the very off chance that Angelina Jolie DOESN’T want to sleep with me to cure her Diabetes, I think we should all put her in our nightly prayers, and trust that God will make her better.
Oh wait, I forgot: that ends up killing you and getting your siblings taken away from your crackpot parents by the police, just like this poor kid. And let’s face it: with names like Shiloh, Maddox, and Pax, the Jolie-Pitt children aren’t going to be welcome in many American homes.
I guess it’s down to us fucking, Angie. Man, I’ve never been so happy to find out there wasn’t a God. But don’t worry baby; I’ll make you see Him anyway.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael fucks the disease out of A-list actresses for pay as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
March 31st, 2008 at 8:18 am
To Angelina: The man has evidence to support his theory. Don’t fight it.
To Swaim: If you play this right you could get millions for baby photos. I’ll need 10% of all profit as your adviser (yeah screw you O’Brien)
To all other readers: FIRST
March 31st, 2008 at 8:18 am
Nice post, altough it makes you sound a bit creepy.
You know, like thís creepy:
http://www.ljplus.ru/img4/c/r/cromo4130/_DSC0062.jpg
March 31st, 2008 at 8:43 am
That pic of the kids made me lol
March 31st, 2008 at 9:23 am
Swaim you are a credit to modern medicine
March 31st, 2008 at 9:26 am
Maddox has strange knees.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:22 am
Angelina Jolie is the most overrated person in the universe. She was sort of hot twenty years ago, or whenever it was that shitty movie about hackers came out, but now she’s gotta be like forty and really wasn’t that hot to begin with. DIE FOR DIABEETUS
March 31st, 2008 at 11:18 am
I guess this explains Maddox’s misogyny. He’s suffering from an Oedipal complex that many Americans would love to share.
Shiloh, on the other hand, is an adorable kid.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:28 am
Ha! six hours- try 20 minutes… ZINGGG!! to you darling
March 31st, 2008 at 11:52 am
Michael Swaim, once again your convoluted logic has saved the day.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Look, Angelina, there’s no need to mask yourself as “Michael’s lover.” We all know it’s you.
March 31st, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Hey Michael….guess what —- you’re still a racist
March 31st, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Hey, guy! I missed you! I need someone to till my back 40; you know anyone?
March 31st, 2008 at 5:39 pm
You know what, I’m gonna make an image macro of Angelina that says “DIABEETUS”
March 31st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Go man go!
April 1st, 2008 at 1:45 am
“Ha! six hours- try 20 minutes… ZINGGG!! to you darling” …..
and from what I understand fifteen minutes of that is fucking whining and begging.
April 1st, 2008 at 2:00 am
You “forgot” the African baby. Hmmmmm….
April 1st, 2008 at 7:40 am
I’m still giggling at the Oedipal commet.