A Couple Of Things
I spend a lot of time thinking about time machines. More specifically, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to go back in time and witness firsthand if I had one. A bear-baiting event, Zeppelin live at Earls Court and the Boston Molasses Disaster all used to seem like obvious first stops, but after reading this headline this morning I’m not so sure anymore:
Fuck bear-baiting, fuck molasses, and fuck the greatest rock concerts of the 20th century1 - I’d rather go back in time two months, hide behind a coat rack in a conference room at Dr. Pepper corporate headquarters, and listen in on what must have been the most hilariously misguided marketing department meeting of all time. According to the press release:
“It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love,” said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. “So we completely understand and empathize with Axl’s quest for perfection – for something more than the average album. We know once it’s released, people will refer to it as “Dr Pepper for the ears” because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic.”
I understand the thinking behind this campaign - it’s bizarre and random and just the kind of thing that those KUH-RAZY interweb bloggers love to repost and give free viral buzz (case in point) - but it’s too bad that whoever came up with this one doesn’t read the Cracked blog; we broke the Chinese Democracy story back in November, and if they’d been reading us back then, they’d know that Chinese Democracy is already slated for release in 2008. I’d be completely shocked if the thing actually came out, of course, but still - how awesome would it be if it actually came out and Dr. Pepper owed everyone in America a soda (except Slash and Buckethead)? With a current population of 300 million, assuming each can of soda costs Dr. Pepper one penny, that means this publicity stunt could end up costing them $3 million (or $2,999,999.98 if you subtract Slash and Buckethead). I can’t wait to see how this turns out. Like I literally can’t wait. Fuck - does anyone have a time machine?
Oh - and here’s a video of a midget sliding on his face.
1 Warning: Do not actually fuck any of these things.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
- The 10 Commandments of Facebook - September 10th, 2008
- Email Spamming 101: The A-Z Guide To Becoming Human Garbage - August 27th, 2008
- The (Mentally Ill) Idiot's Guide To Amazon.com - August 13th, 2008
April 10th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Oh wait, it’s KM+1.
In which case, I replace KM+1 with a monkey.
(No offense meant xD)
April 10th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
I’m assuming you made the “People who I would masturbate furiously to while watching them shove bottles up their own asses” list.
How insightful am I?!
April 1st, 2008 at 7:43 am
Justin, I would have imagined that bottles would be for pederasts, as the smaller mouth of the bottel woul dbe more amenable to smaller holes and such. On a seperate note, I shall never drink from a bottle again as that image has creepily burnt itself into my mind. Thanks a lot, Justin. You’ve just made “the list.”
March 31st, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Can’s are better for you and the environment; unless that bottle’s made of glass. Glass makes everything taste better, even soda.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:29 am
I want a 20 oz bottle. Cans are for pederasts.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:20 am
Ah yes, Dr. Pepper’s Secret Mountain Stronghold ™… good times… good times.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:43 am
They’d probably make everyone who wanted their Dr. Pepper fly to some secret mountain base, so that only about five people would actually get it.
March 30th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Fake buddy? Oh my god just check that out. It’s plain sad.
March 30th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
This is soooooo funny!!!!
has anyone else tried this yet?????
http://www.fakebuddy.com
March 30th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
OK, I really need to avoid this kind of pointless and inmature comments, but with this kind of publicities, fuck that…
Nigga say WHAT?!
March 29th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Sorry, but a midget broke my heart once.
Damn you to hell Tiny Tina.
March 29th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Herrblod
you heard right CHA-CHING
March 29th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Midgets are great for bypassing suppressed pedophilic tendencies… or so I hear.
March 29th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Don’t you think you’re being a LITTLE harsh on midgets?
…
…
Oh God, what have I become…
March 28th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I drink Dr. Pepper regularly, whopee about this little marketing stunt. The new GNR album will suck. That midget is uber.
March 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Midgets don’t cry, they don’t have souls.
They’re creations of evil who exist purely to fool normal folk into feelings of amused relaxation, before robbing them, casting hexes on them and generally being little shits.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I wonder if he cried?
March 28th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Dr. Pepper tastes like prune juice, GnR sucks* and FUCK!!! THAT HAD TO HURT THAT MIDGET.
*Though Appetite for Destruction is in my top ten best albums.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Thank you Ross, now I know who would win in a fight between Bear and Lion.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
It’s times like these I wish I was American. I like free things.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:51 am
It’s times like these I’m glad I don’t live in the USA, Dr. Pepper tastes really bad.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:42 am
I decided not to wait for GnR. I bought my own can of Dr. Pepper. I’m good.
SU-PER MI-DGET!
(clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!)
SU-PER MI-DGET!
(clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!)
March 28th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Can I have a Diet Dr Pepper?
March 28th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Why not slash and buckethead?
March 28th, 2008 at 11:03 am
SUPER MIDGET!
Faster than a 2yr old blind kid.
Able to leap tall lawn chairs with a stepladder.