Let it be known, faithful readers, that Michael Swaim would risk anything, even his untarnished record of utter reliability, to keep you entertained on your coffee breaks.
That is why, even though I am currently on a five day wilderness hike in Idyllwild (don’t bother trying to find me and get an autograph; I wear a disguise whenever I’m out of the house), I wrote enough blog entries ahead of time so you’d never even know I was gone.
Except now I just told you, so I might as well take it a step further and blog on events I presume are going to occur by the time you read this on Friday, even though I’m writing it on Tuesday.
So what’s the deal with Hannah Montana killing herself? I mean, we all knew she was depressed, but I guess something must have just really pushed her over the edge.
In a totally unrelated story, our own Daniel O’Brien has announced he is quitting blogging, as the Hannah Montana thing was really all he’s got.
We’ll miss you Danny. Maybe now that Bush has been elected to a third “bonus term” you can reprint reader comments about him.
Unless of course your draft number comes up. But I hear Iran is nice this time of year, even with the nuclear winter.
And hey, while you’re over there you can catch a USO show starring America’s newest teen pop sensation, the Propped Up Remains of Lindsay Lohan!
Don’t forget to snap some photos of her with your iDeviceThatDoesEverything.
Also, bears have representation in the Senate now.
See you on Monday, fuckers! I better see nothing but positive comments when I get back. Remember, I have absolutely no way of defending myself and you’re anonymous Internet readers, so it’s your duty to display the utmost respect and sensitivity.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael walks up steep things with heavy weights on his back for fun and then has the brass to make fun of other people.
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing McCain - October 9th, 2008
- Cracked.com Liveblogs the VP Debates LIVE! - October 2nd, 2008
- How to Use the Bailout to Ask Your Parents for Money - October 1st, 2008
- The Stages of a Human Life: 408 Years Ago vs. Today - September 24th, 2008
- This Movie Features Jon Voight, James Woods, Gary Coleman and Bill O'Reilly. How Does That Happen? - September 18th, 2008
April 10th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
What will (and by will I mean it’s a definite) happen to HM after she gets brutally murdered/raped by those monkeys from which she transferred AIDS from to the human race? I mean, upon entering hell, Satan will obviously bow down to her as she deploys a (fresh) fetus towards his face, oh and of course all of the previous fetus’s will have travelled to hell (for being inside of her, no matter how short the time period), so she’ll have nice little hell-child army….
Men, I think we’re fucked. And by fucked, I mean by AIDS bearing monkeys.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:14 am
All I want to know is where I can get one of those posters with OBEY under the Bush image!
I can frame it and then just admire, while wearing my “W: the President” Tshirt. While sacrificing a goat on my home altar to the most high sheDevil Hannah Whose Full Name I Dare Not Speak.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:27 am
Mr. Swaim,
I will have hot sex with you…and call you Mr. Swaim while doing it….
Positive enough? Yes? Good?
March 31st, 2008 at 7:40 am
That’s pretty good, Bruce182. I think you’re getting the hang of it.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:30 am
I can never take Swaims political posts seriously, it seems like he just picks the topic and general opinions of Ross’s last blog so he can get everyone on side but doesn’t actually know what he’s talking about. That whole Iranian draft thing is so last week.
March 29th, 2008 at 11:46 am
ANOTHER POSITIVE COMMENT!
March 29th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Is Swaim, even now, asking who he needs to see about a Section 8?
March 29th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Man, Idyllwild?? I’m assuming you mean the one in California, so why didn’t you just do Malibu? If you went to Malibu Creek State Park, you could see the MASH set!
March 29th, 2008 at 7:09 am
auMGik fv7y05y734yfr7f4jkf8v
March 29th, 2008 at 3:09 am
I think we can all agree that Swaim only went to Idyllwild to avoid the coming apocalypse he has seen with his future-telescope, but decided not to divulge along with the rest of his prophecies, because in the wretched future of flame and torment, there can be only one comedy blogger. Also, there’s that place where you can paint pottery.
March 29th, 2008 at 1:42 am
I You This
P.S. Post Fuck Love
Like this kingmonkey+1?
March 28th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
You’re wrong Stiles every one knows that Hannah Montana supports Hillary. Also Hannah is the reason why Daniel Brown is a virgin.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
See Swaim, even though Montana is dead and I’ve retired from blogging, the comments section is still ablaze with anti-montana propaganda. You can’t stop it, Swaim, it’s unstoppable, like herpes, (from which, I’m told by a very reliable source, you painfully suffer. Also, the source was a dog. Further, the sex was not consensual.). Have fun on your Super Douchebag Mountain Trip for Jerks.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Swaim is God. Not really, but in the same way Clapton is God.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:46 am
You can be more positive that that, Bruce182. Try it like this:
Love this post.
P.S. I Fuck You
March 28th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Fuck this post.
P.S. I Love You
March 28th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Hannah Montana will be responsible for Bush’s ‘bonus term.’ Mark my words.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Bush won the bonus term by scoring over 20 million points on “Presidential Pinball Madness”.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Great post, Mr. Swaim! You’re the best!!
Fuck, it’s hard to be positive nowadays.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:19 am
The odds were against Swaim being wrong on his predictions, but we lucked out… for now. Of course the deaths of two annoying celebrities being dead would be nice.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Everyone knows Hannah Montana will descend her hell throne after her death and terrify the populace with even more of her screeching from the spirit realm. She may even already be possessing Hillary Clinton. Methinks O’Brien will still have plenty to blog about.
On a side note, this post was the most pathetic, capital “W” with a big letter “L”, inane, lacking in substance, stupid, ignorant, incoherent, childish drivel ever written. Swaim should just stay in Idyllwild and eat berries that cause him to starve to death or get swept away in the San Jacinto River and eaten by bears…wait, that reminds me…has Swaim joined the Super Adventure Club?
March 28th, 2008 at 8:14 am
A POSITIVE COMMENT