How To Stay A Virgin For The Rest Of Your Life: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Sonic Metal
It happens to all of us every once in a while: You’re doing something completely irrelevant - sitting in your office, working on your car, maybe just playing some Sonic the Hedgehog - when all of the sudden you get hit with a sudden urge. It sneaks up on you at first, just a faint hint of a suggestion, but then you can’t stop thinking about it. You try to ignore it, but the truth is you can no longer help yourself.
You must build a guitar out of an old Sega Genesis.
So you pull the Genesis out of storage in your parents’ basement - which is convenient, because that’s where you live - and you get to work, but then your girlfriend walks in and she’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” and you’re like, “Wait a minte - I don’t have a girlfriend. Who the hell are you?” and she’s like, “Oh, wait - I think I have the wrong house. I’m looking for Donny,” and you’re like, “Yeah, Donny lives a block over. On Kendall Avenue. This is KenDALE Avenue.” Then she’s like, “Oh, weird - his house looks exactly like this one,” and you’re like “Yeah, I know,” and then she looks at the Sega Genesis and severed guitar neck on your workbench and is like, “Uhh… yeah. Good luck with that.”
A few days later you’ll be done building your Sega Genesis guitar, but you’ll still be thinking about Donny’s girlfriend. You’ll read the Wikipedia entry for “Courtship”, hoping to glean something about the art of seduction, racking your brain to come up with a way to win her affections, and then you’ll decide to impress her the only way you know how: by making a video of yourself wailing on your Sega Genesis guitar in front of some Sonic the Hedgehog levels and putting it up on YouTube. Then you’ll sit back and wait for her to blow you up with her digits in the comments, but then your mom will be like, “DINNER!!!” and you’ll have to turn off the computer and go upstairs.
A few days later Donny will kick your ass and steal your Sega Genesis guitar, which he will then proceed to sell on eBay for $101. Good times.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Don’t make fun of the guy. He just couldn’t afford Guitar Hero.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Maybe the rather phallic shape of the guitar is meant to represent the lack of wiener in this guy’s pants?
March 27th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I could think of a few ways to stay a virgin for the rest of your life, one would be to keep your GD legs closed! But I know that doesn’t work for every one so I’ll let you know a few others: Obtain an incredible amount of chest hair in a non-attractive way; wear a cape/cloak every where you go like it’s normal to look like a hobbit (also really tacky sport coats with top hats if you’re in high school will work); grow a molestache, NOT a mustache! It will be an automatic turn off; playing W.O.W. for 5-15 hours a day should also do the trick. If these are not working for you then you need to eat nothing but McDonalds for the rest of your life and try to avoid showering so you become morbidly obese and greasy and put off a revulting stench. These tricks can work for boys AND girls, especially girls.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Chiemilin, I think I’m going to have to sue you/have you arrested.
You have obviously been stalking me and noting my lifestyle.
BASTARD!
March 27th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Any guitar, even one made from a sega genesis, is better than Guitar Hero.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:35 am
That guy is a bigger nerd than me and I have “Professor” as part of my name. You have to give him credit for building his own damn guitar, one that sounds pretty decent, even if he had a bad choice in materials.
Chiemilin, so the fact you play only 4 hours of WoW a day means you won’t stay a virgin forever?
March 27th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Does cybering while playing WoW count?
March 27th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Only if that’s the only thing keeping your from raping a corpse, a cow/bull, a midget, goats, or people dressed up like they’re from Middle-earth.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:57 am
@Chemelin: Most of your tips are good, but capes are awesome, bitches see me coming down the road in my cape, top hat and monocle and they KNOW I’m a sexual magnet.
Another way to stay a virgin, try to have sex with hannah montana.
It won’t count as sex, cause the second your dong gets near her vag it’ll bite it off, drinking the sweet blood which issues forth from the stump.
Plus, dongless, you’ll be a vigin forever, and montana will make a few million somehow off your misery
March 27th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I may be a nerd for saying this, but I think he actually did a pretty good job playing that guitar. Now if only it wasn’t made out of a Genesis…
March 27th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
@ Haruhi…does that mean the movie “Teeth” (From a nooner ages ago) was based on the true life story of Hannah Montana?
@ Kingmonkey: No. It does not count.
@ Everyone: You notice how Nick the Douche just HAD to throw a comment about real guitars versus Guitar Hero in there? Ian Cooper (may he rest in piece) would be proud.
March 27th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
how can one even look at the sega guitar when dude has the creepiest baby hands EVVVVVVVVER? gah!
March 27th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
@CrazyCracker: Depends, was teeth about a zombie crotch?
March 27th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
So how is this guy any geekier than your average metal fan anyway?
March 27th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I’m telling you one thing, Kamelot are going to be pissed.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I find this article offensive. Take this off now or I’ll call my lawyer.
March 27th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
lmao. “angry christian”
March 27th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
But wait, Dracula had a cape, and he got chicks all the time. What do you say to that?
March 28th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Man, I wish a random chick would come into MY house by mistake. Especially if she was jessica Alba.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I don’t think that “Nick” up there is the real one. Just some guy pretending to be him.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
This will never impress any girl enough to get laid. You need to progress beyond Green Hills Zone to impress the girls. Play a little Starlight Zone, then we’ll talk.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Seriously, isn’t Cracked.com supposed to be a humor site?
March 28th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I agree with This article sucked I mean this article should be classified as informative.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Well, StiffenLimpnickerstien, now that you have found out my secret, i AM going to have to steal your virginity as punishment. Or just kill you.
And as for you, Professor the Guy, I’ve never actually played W.O.W., I only know lots of virgins that do.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Ahh hilarious writing man- the girlfriend scenario, classic-
March 31st, 2008 at 7:20 am
You guys are too hard on this guy. I’d probably have sex with him. I even made a profile just to be able to tell you that.
March 31st, 2008 at 4:32 pm
id do him as well
March 31st, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Bah! It doesn’t hold a candle to the HUBJO! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-CCMnBpQoU&eurl=http://www.ghastlycomic.com/d/20060913.html
Watch it.
LOVE IT.
April 1st, 2008 at 7:25 am
Am i the only one that would do any girl that plays wow (or any mmorpg for that matter)?
April 1st, 2008 at 10:32 pm
courtship on wikipedia sounds like a good idea… taking a hopeful prospect down to mainstreet for a stroll while dressed in your sunday best has always failed for me, need new ideas
April 25th, 2008 at 12:07 am
That is the coolest thing ever. Rock and Geekery combined. That’s my kinda guy!
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I don’t see a problem with this. I think it’s cool and this guy has some talent. I would date him. Thought that could mean that I’m just a nerd/dork too.
May 4th, 2008 at 2:37 am
I’m sure he’d be glad to know some people above would date him. Hope they’re girls of course, unless he likes it that way..