Hammacher Schlemmer Makes Dreams Come True: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
The Coolest Toy Around
If you’re like like me (or any of the other Cracked bloggers, for that matter), you have an absolutely ridiculous amount of disposable income. Figuring out new ways to get rid of all that excess cash can be stressful at times, but hey - that’s why God created Hammacher Schlemmer1.
For me, personally, it all started with the Flying Alarm Clock. I was like, “Whoa, sweet! The little propeller thing flies across the room and then the alarm won’t turn off until you put it back on the base! What a great way to ensure that I get out of bed in the morning!” Then I picked up a Computerless E-Mail Printer and a Snowboarding Simulator, but for some reason I still felt empty. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong; I was getting rid of all my money, and my apartment with filling up with useless garbage, but for some reason I still felt like something was missing. Then I stumbled across this video and realized what it was:
I needed a Motorized Monocycle.
True - it set me back $13,000. True - it bears a striking resemblance to that Segway parody from South Park. True - I look like a complete ass when I’m riding around on it, but you know what? Those are all small prices to pay for the happiness that owning a Motorized Monocycle brings me.
Except the part about the $13,000, I guess.
Now all I need is a Levitating Hover Scooter. You know - so I have something to tow the Motorized Monocycle with if it breaks down. Oh - and a $50,000 replica of the robot from Forbidden Planet. After that I’ll be pretty much set.
1 Little known fact: God created Hammacher Schlemmer first thing in the morning on the eighth day.
March 25th, 2008 at 11:16 am
FIRST!!
But now I’m going to be singing “Take me on a rocket ride” all day
March 25th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Do they sell the soundtrack to that commercial? Possibly on some kind of self-propelled hologram disc?
CrazyCracker, do you feel such a need to compete? Can’t we all be first, in our own way?
FIRST!!
March 25th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Excellent.
http://bubblegumrocketship.blogspot.com/2008/02/come-fly-with-me-to-land-of-consumerism.html
March 25th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
My mum tells me I’m a winner, so FIRST!!! too.
Also, did they just rip off South Park? Without all the cock attachments? I’d still buy one though, I mean just look at the grins on those folk, they’re having the time of their lives riding
that Wheelsurf.
Frankly, anything with that much joy inducing capabilities stretches above such menial mortal things like money.
March 25th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
That’s general grevious’ wheelie-thing from attack of the clones. Even he looked like a dick.
March 25th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I’m not buying any personal transportation device that doesn’t have at least three separate dicks on it.
March 25th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Holy crap. That site is literally the greatest thing ever.
March 25th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Wow. Where has Hammacher Schlemmer been all my life? Thank you for bringing this to my attention, otherwise I would have no idea where to buy a crownless sun hat and indoor dog restroom.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Thank god I didn’t know about that website before Christmas because a light saber wouldn’t have been all I didn’t get.
March 26th, 2008 at 1:19 am
[…] 1. I choose to start with Celluloide Blonde. She seems to know all the interesting people. 2. From her blogroll, I clicked on Librarian Woes. 3. From there I clicked on Bitch With Books. How could I not? It’s such a great name for a blog. 4 - From there I clicked on Cracked. From there I learned about the coolest toy around, the Motorized Monocycle. […]
March 26th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Don’t forget the animatronic roommate: http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74335.asp?promo=homepage
Do you have a socially inept child? Is this child irreversibly lonely due to the beatings they receive immediately upon leaving the house? Do you have a warped sense of humor, and little empathy? If so, this is the product for you!
Some selling points include; “the device asks questions concerning the child’s likes and dislikes, using the child’s responses to personalize conversations and to tell jokes” -FUN!
“Its database can store telephone numbers and the device connects to a phone jack, allowing it to become a child’s personal operator that dials the phone numbers of friends” -So, it possesses amazing powers usually reserved for common household telephones? WOW! Also, how many friends could this hypothetical child REALLY have? Possession of a vast social network and this ‘device’ would seem to be somewhat mutually exclusive.
The kicker to this has to be the list of suggested items you may also find interesting. If there was any doubt as to this item’s target demographic;
-The Young Meteorologist’s Weather Station
-The International Brotherhood Of Magicians Magic Set
March 26th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Jesus fucking christ, that thing looks awesome, with the exception of the tard crash at the end of the video
March 30th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Despite people on actual bicycles, not to mention actual motorcycles laughing, pointing, and saying some startlingly unkind things (e.g., “Hey you lazy rich motherfucker, get off your fagmobile and get a bike!”), I’d really like to have one of these things. And a pair of noise cancelling headphones, to drown out the nasty comments.