Given my recent campaign against serial abortionist/poorly-disguised Snake Monster Hannah Montana, I’ve been getting a whole lot of letters. Not just from Hannah’s managers and lawyers and the FBI demanding that I stop harassing her, but from you, the Cracked readers and writers. Gladstone, for example, sent along this helpful article wherein Hannah is described as a juggernaut for her trampling of U2, the Super Bowl and the movie theater industry at large. In this article, sent by JoJo, Hannah Montana claims that she will not turn out to be the next Britney Spears but, suspiciously, she doesn’t say anything about not turning out to be the next Pol Pot. Eric 616 sent along this uncomfortable article including scandalous photos that may or may not be of the 15 year old, totally-illegal-and-as-a-result-totally-hideous Hannah Montana, scantily clad and covered in some of that middle-school-dance-sweat we all remember. Also, someone sent a package to the Cracked House that just contained a lock of Cyrus’s hair and what I think was one of her toenails. While I appreciate your dedication and resourcefulness, whoever you are, (let’s face it: Swaim), I can’t in good conscience condone this sort of behavior.
Finally, I received an article in an email from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. The article, a continuation on the “Miley Cyrus is Lonely and Reptilian” piece from last week’s National Ledger, describes Cyrus’s methods for finding a new boyfriend. Apparently, she cruises IMDB for likely candidates and will, presumably, pick whichever one she likes the most, utilize his services for reproduction, bite off his head and lay her eggs in his rotting carcass, (thanks, Animal Planet!). While I fully support the decision to look for a significant other over the internet, I’ve got to say, Hannah, you’re on the wrong website. What kind of guys are you gonna find on IMDB? A bunch of whiny, pampered, delusional celebrities whose personalities have been completely destroyed by the Hollywood machine, that’s what kind. Do you really think you’re gonna find a good guy on IMDB? Who? Burt Reynolds? Clint Howard? Walter Mathau? He’s not even alive, Montana.
No, if you want to find a good man, you should look no further than Cracked-Mother-Fucking-dot-com. You want a guy who’s funny, smart, articulate, and has a functioning internet connection: in short, the Cracked Blog Commenters.
Me? Oh, that’s flattering, Hannah, you raging bitch, it truly is. I’d gladly throw my expensive hat in the ring, but, you see, you’re fifteen years old, so all I see when I look at you is a ziplock bag full of cold animal fat in a t-shirt. Circumstances different, I’d be glad to swing by your mansion in my 97 Nissan Sentra, take you out for a night on the town filled with dining, dancing, and perhaps some light boning, but I’m just far too old and morally responsible to see you as anything other than a rotting pile of shit with an enormous mouth.
The Cracked Blog Commenters, however, I can not speak for, which means good news for you. Seriously. You want someone funny? Check out some of last week’s Mabisms and see for yourself what some of the funniest minds on the internet can come up with:
“Hannah Montana dug up your grandpa’s corpse and took a shit on it.” -Neil
“Hannah Montana’s unborn children, if laid end to end, should be able to circle the globe, but they do not because their mother’s scorn causes them to line up in an efficient double-helix configuration. This fetus-sized DNA is the blueprint for the anti-christ.” -Glenn
“Hannah Montana made Dan O’Brien not feature one of my Hannah Montanisms this week.” -Gladstone. True story.-D.O.B.
“Hannah Montana invented Hannah Montana.” -mantelli That’s just fuckin’ deep, right there.-D.O.B.
“hannah montana make everybody mock of you in high school” -sieg God help me, I love Sieg’s accent.
“Hanna Montana is sending you a Cease & Desist letter.” -Jester21 Sent, received, and shredded.-D.O.B.
I’d really like to keep this going so, perhaps to shake things up a bit, instead of posting Mabisms in the comments below, post a few reasons why you, the Cracked Commenters, should be Hannah Montana’s new boyfriend. If it is at all within my power, I will make sure these posts are brought to Hannah Montana’s attention. So, Highlight some of your good qualities. I, for example, can cook, am adequate at racquetball, and probably won’t blindfold you and drop you off in a forest on our second date.
How about you? One of us is going to be dating Hannah Montana by the end of the year. And then we’ll be ready for Phase 2…
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- The First Thanksgiving: An Almost Graphic Representation - November 28th, 2008
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
November 24th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I’d take her out for a walk in the forest where we’d happen upon a family of deer. Of course, I’d violently kill them, ripping their heads off with my bare hands to feed to the prepubescent Snake Monster. Afterwards, there would be a slight rape scene amongst the blood and carnage, as well as a three minute pregnancy that’ll end with a homemade abortion using a tree branch. If she’s really lucky and plays her cards right, she may even end up with a hot glob of deer semen resting in her rectum before she goes home for the night.
And that is (apparently) why I should be with the disgusting hypnotic bitch.
October 29th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
>>he’s a pedo and wants to make sweet love to her poontang
Uh wait. Are you saying you don’t?
October 26th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Dan O’Brien is, quite clearly, a closeted pedophile. He has an unnatural sexual attraction towards Miley Cyrus despite the fact that she’s a child and such an attraction violates multiple social norms as well as the expectation for cracked Writers to hold her in disdain. Opposites attract after all. He responds to this unnatural attraction by lashing out against her, slandering her, and going to lengths to fool people into thinking that he he has no desire sexual desire for her and instead, feels just the opposite.
In short, he’s a pedo and wants to make sweet love to her poontang.
October 19th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
God Hanna Montana feckin sucks! I wish she would just die.
October 17th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
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September 16th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Because… I’m 14 and that’d be legal?
September 8th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Kim Jong-Il, just because I think you ought to know, I first read that typo’d acronym as “InterContinental Mario Bros.” and it made perfect sense to me.
Also, I’ll be playing Taps for Ellie. God rest your soul.
September 6th, 2008 at 1:54 am
I like long walks on the beach followed by a competitive round of seal clubbing, but you’ll probably have to bring your own club and I also expect you to cook the seals afterward (Hey I’m not a complete bitch like you, I eat what I kill) If the date ends right you’ll return home slightly battered (I’m competitive with my clubbing) and a stomach full of beaten seal.
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Ha, and I was just about to go on craigs list >_>
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April 10th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
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March 27th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I should be Hanna Montanas boyfriend; because the well i dug in my basement is deep enough to hold her.
March 26th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Hannah Montana should date me because I’m not a lesbian or bi.
And because I’d introduce her to the wonderful men on CRACKED.com before ripping every single one of her hairs out one at a time, wrenching out her vocal cords, and drowning her in acid.
Want to know why?
Because like I said, I’m not a lesbian or bi.
Just a serial killer who hates that bitch!
March 26th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Why me? Because I have the ability to smell like any kind of soup on demand. I’m walking reminder of warm cozy comfort food.
March 23rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Hannah Montana should date me ’cause I give out a mean skull-fuck.
March 23rd, 2008 at 6:21 pm
hannah montana is the reason why the joas brothers wear prise rings. the stupid whore.
March 21st, 2008 at 3:00 pm
[...] Little Miss Snakeface. Lead toys and, if you’ll recall from last week’s post, she is hilariously lonely- that’s a lot for a fifteen year old. Well, I’ve got just the thing to cure at least [...]
March 21st, 2008 at 12:32 am
Recently I rented a TOTALLY SWEET movie from Family Video. It was a Lifetime Original Movie called “She’s Too Young.” It stars a Miley Cyrus-lookalike as 14-year-old Hannah, who gets Syphillis from the first blowjob she ever gives. I think that sums up the entire plot. I came up with alternate titles for this film masterpiece, including:
Hannah Montana the Movie
Hannah Montana Gets Syphillis
Hannah Does Houston
Got any ideas?
March 20th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Hannah Montana was featured in Southpark last night. I’ll won’t give any spoilers, but she’s destined to become the new Britney Spears.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:32 am
hah anton lavey your right. she is the reincarnation of Abigail lafey. look that up
March 20th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I’m a bit surprised she didn’t post sooner, you know, when Cthulu propositioned her.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:10 am
FollicleMan, you seem surprised.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
So wait… is it illegal/totally-ew to DATE a minor, or does that just apply to… ah… diddlin’? I mean, not everyone who goes on a date gets jiggy/freaky with it, right?
Also, how has it taken this long for someone to post here as Hannah Montana? Was a lesbian proposition all it took to make her/it crawl out of the woodwork?
March 19th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Oh, additionally because I’m trained in thrown weapons (axes, spikes, knives), fencing, American Sign Language and playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Put those all together, and you get the best date EVER for Hannah Montana! Now, where’s my spinny wheel of doom…
March 19th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I should be Hannah Montana’s boyfriend because I’m a girl.
Wait…
March 19th, 2008 at 1:34 am
#1 - I’m a serial killer. #2 - Dude, did you read #1?
March 18th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Okay, now I’m pretty sure the FBI is monitering this website.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
She would love me because i will make a lampshade specially of her skin and put it in my living room
gotta love snake skin!
March 18th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
So I can force her to do a concert and make a million dollars.
I mean, a romantic candlelight dinner, with sunsets, and beaches…
March 18th, 2008 at 8:56 am
I enjoy rape parties and often use Amy Winehouse’s vagina as a cereal bowl. Also I am a good kisser.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Aboth! ABOTH! BAD! Put down those souls right this instant! There will be no lake-dancing until you finish your homework!
March 18th, 2008 at 8:45 am
And she eats one heart a day to maintain her strength, like a modern day Lady Bathory. And where does she get the hearts? Ever wonder why Angelina Jolie has to adopt so many children?
March 18th, 2008 at 7:39 am
You guys are just being mean, now. Hannah Montana has a heart, you know?
In fact she has several. She keeps them in a freaky shrine in her basement.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I’m an alcoholic sociopath with numerous convictions for aggravated assault and I’m on the sex offenders registry in four states–
Fuck, I think I screwed up. Can I start over?
March 18th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Um….I mean ICBMs
March 18th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Hannah Montana should be my girlfriend as I require the rotten fruit of our unholy union to pilot my ICMBs.
March 17th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
I’m a girl, so I’m probably hotter then most of the the other Cracked commenters. That and well, I’m 16, so I’m closer to her age. That doesn’t mean I don’t think she’s a bitch though. For one, she’s straight.
ewwww, straight girls are nasty.
Nevermind.
March 17th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Hannah Montana should date me because I worship the Lord of Chaos, C’thulu. Because she is a snake monster, I would revere her as yet another of my fickle master’s twisted instruments and a harbinger of the apocalypse. Our first date would begin with some human sacrifice and end (if all went well) with a blood orgy.
March 17th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I dug up HER grandfather and took a shit on the corpse, so that makes us even, I suppose. Maybe she’ll see something she likes in me (herself, I mean).
March 17th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I should be the new love-slave of The Black Goddess Cyrus, Eater Of Suns because, like my Dark Queen, I am a festering, eldritch mass of otherworldly, nameless evil. Our children shall dance on the frozen surface of the Lake Of Souls as Shub-Niggurath eats the sun.
Ia! Ia! Montana Fthagn!
March 17th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I should date Hannah Montanah as I am the dollgirlguy from Craigslist
March 17th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I would date the schizo that is Hanna Montanna/ Cyrus offspring, but I’m a little worried about the whole father/daughter thing. As I am forced to listen to country music at work, I am required ON A DAILY BASIS to drive railroad spikes into my eyeballs and listen to the duo sing. What gets me is the way he implores her not to leave home. Why is that, Billy Ray? Why is that?
March 17th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Well, for starters, I like going out to the club and dancing but I also enjoy a night in with a good movie. Oh, and crushing humanity beneath my reptilian might, she’s into that, right?
March 17th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Hannah Montanna should date me cause i have my dick pierced twice… those are pretty much all the qualifications i have when it comes to anything.
March 17th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
cause
I’ll make her wear a metal bikini
March 17th, 2008 at 11:34 am
I’m pretty sure if I have sex with Hannah Montana, a panda will come out.
Don’t ask how - that’s just how science works.
March 17th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I couldn’t date Hannah Montana because she’s just a personality. That’s right - Miley Cyrus has multiple personality disorder.
Plus, she screwed all the Jonas Brothers. That’s why they’re abstinent.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Not interested. It’s common knowledge that Hannah Montana doesn’t swallow. Whore.
March 17th, 2008 at 12:43 am
I am the most qualified because like Hannah, I do not really exist. I am just a pixel of your imagination.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I should be her boyfriend because we have similar hobbies: dominating the world, killing people, setting innumerable offspring of our unholy union loose upon the world, killing some more people, deciding that it’s better to use people in mad science. Also, like Hanna, am into boning minors.
March 16th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Hanna–
I ain’t gonn’ be moved on this. Right or wrong, you gonn’ mind me. Like Jesus Christ said, “Imma suffa’ you. IMMA SUFFA’ YOU!” Get yo ass back in my house!
March 16th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
So SRHCFC, you’re afraid of GIRLS? Oh come on here big boy, let me give you a big wet kiss! Don’t run away now…
March 16th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I forgot to mention. I should be her boyfriend because I can save her a lot of money. Specifically, I am not above kicking her in the stomach real hard once a month.
March 16th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Congratulations, alirio. You guessed that I am, in reality, Paul Reubens.
March 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I have low standards and like to be abused.
March 16th, 2008 at 11:38 am
*Typo in my name*
March 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Sorry, guys. She’s spoken for.
March 16th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Holy Crap. She’s aborted so many times, and yet still believes people believe that she has no boyfriend….Well, perhaps she’s looking for the perfect person to father the antichrist…
March 16th, 2008 at 7:58 am
I think Part 2 would be where you coax her into exploring her naive sexuality then selling her out by telling the scandalous story of said exploration to the cheap tabloid media.
That’ll lead to Part 3 - Mega Profit.
I for instance would buy the film rights.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:36 am
Ellie:
Part 1 — Hook up with Hannah Montana
Part 2 — …
Part 3 — Profit!
March 16th, 2008 at 7:17 am
I should be Hannah Montanas new boyfriend, because I am a Catholic Priest,…. lolz
March 16th, 2008 at 6:32 am
I might be too late, but I have to throw my hat into the ring. Hannah Montana should date me because aside from us being legal, I’m pretty much the biggest masochist in the universe, and I can make it look like I’m not enjoying it.
March 16th, 2008 at 4:19 am
quick, guys, she wants to hook up.
What’s the next part of the plan?
March 16th, 2008 at 1:18 am
Ellie, let’s you and I… *hook up*.
March 15th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
if you think about it, she will probably eat you after the first date, like a spider or a mantis.
so if you have a deathwish go fot it.
I’m 19 and hot!! call me Hannah!! I’ll love to be the father of your hellish offspring.
March 15th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I’m a girl AND I’m only a year older than her.
That’s her kind of thing, yeah?
I’d gladly give up my head for this plan, which can only end in her downfall.
(You got that kind of audience commitment, A.V. Club?)
March 15th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I have titties. Sexy man titties. She’s a lesbian, right? That’s what Gladstone said.
March 15th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
im only 17 so i wont be put in jail. that makes me more qualified automaticaly right?
March 15th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I’m malleable and morally flexible.
March 15th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
hannah montana i want to know some things about you, not really about you but your fetishes actually!
if you do decide to lay your eggs in my severed neck (like you do) check the following that you do and enjoy
[]likes to lay there while people verbally berate you with mabisms and spit on you
[]likes to get socked in the jaw by a overweight baltic man while you touch yourself
[]do you like “watersports”
[]do you like to send nude pictures that i can easily give to the press and ruin you
[]do you think the simpsons should be canceled cause it sucks now a days
[]are you a furry? come on you can tell me
[] and can i buy you a drink. yeah i know your 15 but all the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be cool right?
so get back to me if you can
oh and hannah montanta created AIDS to rule the world and uses her show to turn all the men gay so the population would collapse
March 15th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I was born with an empty void where my soul is supposed to be. Thus, getting a girlfriend who could provide me with happiness is merely a waste of time. Also, I’m probably one of the few commentaters who could legally “date” Hannah Osama Montanna.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Hold on, manteli… you’re a girl? GIRLS come here? I mean, like, eww.
March 15th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Thank you for offering me as an unholy sacrifice for the antichrist, but unless she’s bi-sexual, which actually doesn’t sound so far fetched, she wouldn’t be very interested in me.
March 15th, 2008 at 6:18 am
I should be Hannah Montana’s boyfriend because I’m the conquerer of islands, the enslaver of men, pillager of villages, destroyer of lowly Christian worshippers and the lover and controller of wenchfolk.
I also have my own place, a lovely little storm-swept kingdom in Norvegia, and my own longboat.
Plus, a crew of stout men to toil for the fair maiden.
March 15th, 2008 at 5:46 am
I think, most importantly, I win beacause I’m just about the only one here who isn’t 30 years old…
March 15th, 2008 at 4:18 am
i should be hannah montana’s new boyfriend because: I am the antichrist and a close friend of cthulhu, also i am funny and smart, i know how to listen to a woman and i like to slaughter people, black magic and drugs.
we are meant to each other.
i feel like i already love her.
March 15th, 2008 at 4:03 am
HOLY SHIT!! I DID IT!! =D
March 15th, 2008 at 1:29 am
The only person who can have Meal Ticket is the person who can lull Billy Ray Cyrus to sleep and steal the key to the chasity belt that Statutory Rape is bound to.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Hannah Montana is the new flu vaccine.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I’m in a death metal band, and Gwar would totaly use her in a stage “act”. Oh and as a heads up I actualy wrote a really brutal song called “I hate Hannah Montana (shes a bitch)”
Recording it right now. When its done I will share it with you all.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
I know kingmonkey one is alluding to pedophilia, but I’m pretty sure the incident had something to do with masturbation in a public theater
March 14th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Meet Hannah Montana’s Future Boyfriend:
16
Mildly Attractive
Own a pair of steel plated boxers to prevent unwanted harvest of my seed
March 14th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I should be Hannah Montana’s boyfriend because I play Backup Tank/Backup Crowd Control with my Hunter character. That’s right, I’m the man for all occasions!
March 14th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I should be Hanna Montana’s boyfriend so people won’t think she’s a lesbo anymore.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I’ve got candy.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I should be Hannah Montana’s boyfriend, because my sperm is powerful enough to return life to that abortion-weary womb of hers the day she turns 18.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Hannah Montana should be my girlfriend because, unlike the other Cracked commenters, I can teach her many, many things about the ways of love and about life in general. I can show her the evil of her satanic ways, and save the soul of our poor, lost adolescent superstar, by exposing her to real rock and roll. This will save our ears from bleeding and my heart from breaking…
Nahh. I think it is impossible to save her now… or us for that matter.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Hannah Montana’s passions can only be aroused by one who knows the true power of the Dark Side!
March 14th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
My lawyer advises that I not participate in this discussion. Not so soon after… the incident.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Love Freakazoid…
I should be Hannah Montana’s new girlfriend so that her demons can spawn in my uterus and I can sit by her right hand (on a lower throne of course, but thats just how the Queen of Evil likes it) while she takes over the world. I will feast on the blood of her rape victims. And I’ll get to use her indistructable credit cards….
March 14th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Not only can I cook and dance but I also have mounds of useless knowledge. Everything from Freakazoid to ham to prowrestling. I also have a comprehensive guide to old timey slang. I can even help with abortions. I mean she has at least 1 a day so why not have a part of me in what I destroy. Also being the father of the antichrist would look good on a resume.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
And by ‘ never’ I mean ‘definitly’.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I’m hot, so… There’s that.
Oh right, and I love Hannah Montana and would never violate her, cut her up and send her limbs to cracked bloggers for them to do with them what they see fit.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I should be Hannah Montana’s boyfriend because I to love to suck bone marrow out of living babies. I also enjoy making fun of cripples and long walks on the bones of the innocent.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I hope you’re using an alias, Gronnsak. It sure SOUNDS like one. But then again, so does Madonna, which is the actual birth name of this crappy overrated celebrity you may have heard of.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Actually Justin, I think those credit cards are black.. Ever seen an Amex Black? They’re made of metal, so they can never be cut up. It’s fucking ridiculous. I bet Hannah Montana has like, 20 of them.
World domination is expensive, shit.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I DID date Hannah Montana. That’s why I’m in a wheelchair with only one functioning arm. She still thinks I’m buried under her lawn, along with the Devil and other creatures inferior in evil.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
As the only married Cracked reader there is (I think), I cannot date either Hannah Montana or the actress that plays her. The former doesn’t exist and the latter would be career suicide…for me. I’m like this huge big shot, you see, and I intend to remain one.
However, she will be permitted to become friends with my niece. Her hobbies include swimming, Hannah Montana, and buying things her parents can’t afford. O’Brien, please instruct her to bring one of those brightly-colored and prestigious credit cards that don’t have a spending limit. Thanks!
March 14th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
on and off. I know it’s the worst/best thing about her.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Also, Gladstone: You were flirting with someone who willingly on-screen dated dated Zach Braff.
Just saying is all.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I for one would love to date hannah montana. i can say on our first date i certainly wouldn’t have a team of kidnappers prepared to take her, hold her for ransom (lets face it, billy ray’s gotta still be rakin in achey breaky heart dough), then upon receiving the money force montana to do my laundry(my mom made me start doing it myself last week, it’s pretty confusing) for the rest of my life instead of returning her to her throne of lies.
I also enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and music made by less than untalented tweens.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Yeah, the court made me take down my shrine to Mila Kunis.
Now that’s an obscure celebrity crush-reference.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Because Mandy Moore has not yet responded to my shameless internet flirting.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Well, I’m deaf, which would be the most important thing.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I would be the best candidate for Hannah Montana because I am FIRST!
Also I am overweight and 27. And I will readily shun sleep for an all night session of COD4.