Pedophilia is now a sin, so knock it off fellas.
The Vatican updated their list of the Seven Deadly Sins yesterday, adding seven new sins of the modern age. These include polluting, genetic engineering, possessing obscene riches, taking drugs, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice. I guess this is the Vatican’s way of trying to stay relevant in a changing world, although I can’t help but note that they remain some distance back from the bleeding edge of sin, given their refusal to condemn Sharking.
Any time the Catholic Church expands upon one of their cornerstones like it was a game of Pokemon, there’s comedic potential. That this publicity stunt already took the form of a list is blissful serendipity for someone who regularly writes for Cracked. It was for these reasons, and also because no-one asked for it, that I now happily provide my thoughts on this revised list of sins:
Polluting: I like this one. This is probably the most relevant thing the Catholic Church has done in the last few years. Whether it makes any difference in the world or not is another thing entirely - Catholics don’t wield as much political power as they did back in the good old days. Still, this is a sight more impressive than the Zoroastrians coming out against pollution.
Genetic Engineering: This feels unusually specific. I guess it’s the Pope’s way of playing divide and conquer, and only trying to attack “bad science.” The old theological discussion about whether science is a blessing or curse keeps stumbling on the fact that science has provided the world with many beneficial things, like refrigeration, or the lever. By declaring genetic engineering to be a sin, the Pope is trying to lump it in a category with all the bad science, like nuclear weapons, or the inclined plane.
Possessing Obscene Riches: This is a nice broad way of acknowledging that people with a lot of money are probably fuckers, but avoids naming a specific number, which would necessitate time-consuming audits that todays clergy are ill-equipped to handle.
Taking Drugs: Oh Pope. You used to be cool man.
Abortion: Oh Pope. You used to be cool man.
Pedophilia: Wasn’t this covered by like a half dozen other deadly sins? Was there seriously any Catholics out there who thought it was ok before this?
Causing social injustice: This feels unnecessarily broad. It covers everything from genocide to racial cleansing to farting on the bus. Won’t it be confusing sorting out why people go to hell, and who they have to share rooms with? Is Pol Pot there because of that whole killing fields thing, or because of his famous love of Tex-Mex cuisine?
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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Aside from that article about the dead little girl (with the joke I didn’t get but made me laugh anyway) the picture you used of the priest is the most apalling thing I’ve EVER seen. Also, I think that the Pope shouldn’t be so quick to point out others obscene riches, have you seen his crib? Or his ride? Or THAT MASSIVE GOLD PIMP RING?
P.S: I like his hair.
March 11th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Yeah, apparently ‘thou shalt not rocketh the faux hawk, for it is truly an affront to God and aesthetics,’ didn’t make the cut.
Hopefully this will be addressed in the next set of amendments, along with ‘thou shalt not adorn thy feet with Crocs, or thou shalt be cast down into the depths of the pit reserved for Hannah Montana and her ilk.’
March 11th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Okay, Bucholz, I’ve had it up to here with you bashing my religion. We Zorro Astrologists are sick of this kind of shabby treatment. Watch it, we know how to swordfight… when the stars are in the proper alignment.
And unlike the Catholic church, we are still staunchly anti-inclined plane!
March 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Reading this again, I think SueDeniim’s got a million dollar idea; there should be an episode of Cribs featuring the Pope. Or Pimp my Pope-Ride. I can see it now; hydraulics, 22″ dubs, a PS3, some fifteens, and maybe a working fountain or disco ball to go with the bulletproof Popebox. Word.
March 11th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Hey Stiles, you forgot about adding the platinum-plated bible, and a GPS that has the voice of Jesus telling you to “turn left, or face eternal damnation”
March 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
….also, neon rosary beads for the rearview, a horn that plays Handel’s “Hallelujah,” and of course, the solid 24kt gold bobblehead Jesus for the dashboard.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I think the fact that “Pedophilia” is now on the list will really help the image of the Catholic church. Now it’s very specific about it’s policy where as before it was up for interpretation. The “Possessing Obscene Riches” rule is a hypocritical joke… “You must not have obscene riches! Now put all of your riches in the collection plate where we will hoard it for you.” I would also like to order the “Father Pedophile” costume. Thank you in advance.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Ahh religious double standards, how I love thee.
Oh and quick cultural point, over here sharking is referred to as skanting.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Gimme a break, bigots.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I know the exact amount that obscene riches is, one dollar more than the Catholic Church is worth.
March 11th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Why does Tex-mex always get such scorn heaped upon it? It’s only food. If you don’t like it don’t eat it. I’m really upset about this.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Of course the irony is that with the exception of genetic engineering the Catholic Church is more guilty that anyone else of these new “sins”
March 11th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
“Pedophilia: Wasn’t this covered by like a half dozen other deadly sins? Was there seriously any Catholics out there who thought it was ok before this?”
WERE there seriously any Catholics out there who thought it was ok, WERE.
this saddens me.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:39 am
I forgot Cracked.com was the favorite site for 9th grade English teachers.
“this saddens me.”- You must drink a lot to get through the day
March 12th, 2008 at 1:27 am
This new list of sins has actually legitamised my (formerly) irrational hatred of the catholic church.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:30 am
THANKS CRACKED!
March 12th, 2008 at 1:35 am
It took them this fucking long to finally say “Hey, catholic priests are raping little kids…this… this should be wrong! Good idea? So no more raping and molesting children. That means you, Father Terence, hey, come on, I mean it now, don’t make that face.”
March 12th, 2008 at 4:35 am
I suggest we award Chris a Nobel Prize of Humor for the lever and inclined plane joke. I mean, wow.
Also Ross’s post links to another article about the new sins but the list is not the same. It seems that Pedophilia has been removed from this one (probably the Church had a second guess on this one.) :
1. “Bioethical’ violations such as birth control
2. “Morally dubious” experiments such as stem cell research
3. Drug abuse
4. Polluting the environment
5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
6. Excessive wealth
7. Creating poverty
But 5,6 and 7 seem to be all the same … Also is creating your own poverty a sin ? In a way, this would make all poor people guilty of not coping with their situation.
Also “Thou shall not RickRoll” is blatently missing.
March 12th, 2008 at 4:53 am
““Pedophilia: Wasn’t this covered by like a half dozen other deadly sins? Was there seriously any Catholics out there who thought it was ok before this?”
WERE there seriously any Catholics out there who thought it was ok, WERE.
this saddens me.”
In a quote about pedophilia what you find sad is the fucking grammar?
March 12th, 2008 at 7:38 am
I this whole post about genetic engineering and stuff, and how all religious people are sheep, but then I figured this was better:
I’m not religious, but right now I hope I’m wrong and Rapture starts tomorrow, because I’m better off than 98% of the religious people. I’m guaranteed a pass into heaven.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:31 am
What’s with the Billy Idol pic?
March 12th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Tom Berenger, NO!!!
March 12th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Didn’t this site make a big speech on the Roundup about how they didn’t make fun of religion? Like a month ago?
March 12th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Dude, the Pope looks totally badass in that pic
March 13th, 2008 at 1:08 am
[…] списку смертных грехов еще семь. Заголовок у новости: Pedophilia is now a sin, so knock it off fellas. Кстати, genetic engineering теперь тоже смертный […]
March 13th, 2008 at 5:06 am
WOW….I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site~~~~~Tallmingle.com which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
March 13th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Hey, that Russian cloneblog has a link to a cool story from the NY Times, about people with bizarre names: Mary Christmas, Goblin Fester, Satan Priest… who names their kids shit like that? People who hate kids, that’s who!
March 13th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I really knew a lady named Mary Christmas.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Did she only come once a year?
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:00 am
[…] of debate teams from Edinburgh schools, but sadly the Catholic Church took some time off from declaring pedophilia a sin to shut the debates […]
April 5th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
The media talking SHIT about predator priests for a change?!! Well the Apocalypse is now TRULY upon us!!
May 11th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Dkny Wallets…
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you….