Your Kindle is a Filthy Liar
For someone like yours truly, who is actively trying to get sentences published on paper in the real world (Believe it or not, my written work is not solely in the “hey, what’s Lindsay Lohan doing today?” genre), the death of print media is a double-edged sword (See, that’s called “imagery;” very literary).
On the one hand, I have to watch a field I am deeply interested in shrivel and wither like an eighty-year stop motion movie of my penis (That one’s called a “simile”).
On the other hand, the low standards of decency on the web allow me to project the image of my withered penis into the minds of thousands of readers, whereas in the pre-web days such a wonderful bond would not, yea, could not have been forged.
But come on, print media: though your long reign may be approaching its end, let’s die with some dignity shall we? The specific embarrassing death throes I’m referring to are the increasingly frequent misattributions of the title “memoir” or “true story” to straight up Fiction. Or, as we call it at our weekly writer’s meetings, “Lies.”
You probably remember James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces being unmasked as fraud, especially because that particular unmasking made Oprah look like a tool, which is always fun. But recently, this sort of thing has started to happen with absurd regularity.
Take Misha, the inspiring memoir of a young girl traversing the European wilderness to escape the Nazis and being raised along the way by a family of wolves. It was recently proven to be totally fraudulent. The woman who wrote it escaped from the Nazis the normal, boring way: by jetpack.
In the book, she lied about most every detail of her life, including being Jewish, presumably because she thought the whole “Holocaust thing” had been done and needed spicing up with some Romulus and Remus allusions. If there’s any justice, Elie Wiesel’s on his way to her house right now with a lead pipe.
But even more insidious, if not as blasphemously twisted, is the recently debunked “memoir” Love and Consequences, the stirring first-person narrative of a young half-Native American woman’s ordeal growing up in a black foster home, running drugs for L.A. street gangs, and seeing her brother get shot down by the Crips.
The author, a white woman raised by wealthy parents and living in Oregon, has canceled all promotional tours through Los Angeles, I’m guessing because she would be instantly swarmed by literate gang members who want to gun her down for cheapening their noble way of life.
I can see why publishers allow this to happen. No one buys new Fiction nowadays, so call it a stirring personal ordeal and watch it climb to the Best Seller List on the back of Oprah’s Book Club. But, seriously, let’s get on this. It’s not worth the humiliation anymore.
You’re dying, print media; accept it and try not to soil yourself in your last moments. That’s how my Grandpa went, and now at Thanksgiving it’s the only time he comes up in conversation.
On a related note, call your nearest Barnes and Noble today and reserve your own copy of my upcoming memoir, Doing Coke with Heidi Klum While Inside of a Tiger: The Michael Swaim Story (Book I: Mission to Mars)!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael constructs a far more interesting life than his own as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
March 7th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Swaim, if you’re going to name your penis, you should go with something other than “simile.”
Might I suggest “lumpy?”
March 7th, 2008 at 8:45 am
As it happens, I’m writing memoirs of my personal stirring ordeals. It’s the tale of your author as a young man, when I escaped from prison, where I had been incarcerated for mass murder, and had to survive a trek across the ravaged landscape of a zombie-infested North America. Hopefully, Oprah will be willing to shill for me!
March 7th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Also, one of those books in the image had a typo on it. “Fysiologi?” Seriously people, are you trying to speak in Foreign here?
March 7th, 2008 at 9:52 am
You win against Oprah this time. But, she’ll be back. Be on your guard Swaim.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Well I called Barnes and Noble, Amazon and Books a Million and when I asked to reserve
my copy of “Doing Coke with Heidi Klum While Inside of a Tiger: The Michael Swaim Story (Book I: Mission to Mars)!” they acted like I was crazy. Well, yeah, but that is beside the point , I think you are lying about that book.
On a side note, during my search for your liar, liar pant’s on fire, book I did come across the only other person named Swaim besides you I’ve ever heard of to date.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Haven’t book sales actually gone UP as the popularity of the internet has increased? Online stores like Amazon make it way easier to randomly find and buy obscure titles without ever getting up from your computer chair. I’m pretty sure it’s a mutually beneficial relationship. The internet allows more sporadic rants like these to find readers, but it’s far from being responsible for the death of print media.
As for the Kindle, that’s no more threatening with it’s $400 pricetag, no actual books included, and all. At that price I would expect it to come with at LEAST 15 free downloads. If you can buy 40 books for the price it’s going to cost you just to own the damn thing, I’m guessing most people would rather just have a years supply of actual books (granted I read less than a lot of people) before they’d pay double that for the ability to carry it on a PDA with a “paper-like” screen.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:39 am
WOW…
seems it is not a new news ,many friends public this news on a tall dating site~~~~Tallmingle.com~~~~which has many
other good projects but dating
But a good news.lol…
－－－－－－Selina1987,as a model playing that site,hope to know you.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Hey glendoor, the book is already available at Half Price Books. What its doing there before its actual release is unknown. They have a whole back section dedicated to “Doing Coke with Heidi Klum While Inside of a Tiger: The Michael Swaim Story (Book I: Mission to Mars)!”
I bought 20!
March 7th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I hope Book II lives up to the epic grandeur of Book I.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I thought Swaim’s bio was called Mein Kampf?
March 7th, 2008 at 11:58 am
One question; will Swaim himself be writing the screenplay for the inevitable movie adaptation of Doing Coke with Heidi… (DCwHKWIoaT:TMSS(B1:MtM) for short), or will it be shopped around to various other writers?
March 7th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
It’s called a simile, not a similie. And referring to the death of print media as a double-edged sword is not really imagery so much as metaphor…
You wonder why books are going extinct - maybe it’s because no one bothers to learn the fucking English language anymore. Goodbye, grammar; hello, doublespeak.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I’m reporting Anon for doubleplus ungood thoughtcrimes.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Anon: The Simile typo is shameful, and I’ll cop to that, but double-edged sword is CERTAINLY imagery, AS WELL AS metaphor, axiom, idiom and vernacular turn of phrase.
I’d challenge you to some kind of grammar duel, but I’m not sure there’s a method by which it could be conducted and judged. Consider yourself lucky…this time.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Anon, under what grammatical construction is it appropriate to replace a period with an ellipsis or begin a sentence with “And”?
March 7th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
The fiction genre is still alive and well, might I suggest your next endeavor be harlequin romance novels?
March 7th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Too bad there isn’t a book of Sex and the City….
March 7th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Holy shit, Erin the Bitch, don’t tempt him. I dread what a TAM! version of a Harlequin would look like.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I just recently wrote about my own personal harrowing tale as well. It should be reaching stores soon. It’s called Harry Potter and the 5 Da Vinci Code related People You Meet in Heaven.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
With science advances the way it is I’m confident your 80 year timelapse film will not end in withering. More likely the penis will be metallic and make 3 kinds of sounds. Plus lasers are futuristic too.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
So probably it will have lasers.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I am thinking “People” magazine will only give your yarn two and a half stars, which is surprising because they gave Heidi Klum’s version four out of five stars. The tiger didn’t fair so well. He is still trying to find a publisher.
March 8th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Well I just finished reading “Doing Coke with Heidi Klum While Inside of a Tiger: The Michael Swaim Story (Book I: Mission to Mars)!” I found it at Half priced Books and with a 50% off sticker on it I might add.(Thanks Bruce182) It was one hell of a read, I literally could not put it down( I got super glue on my hands) and two or three other literary review cliches I don’t care to type.
I must say that Michael Swain is the modern master of drug fuel super model exposes, while doing a comparative zoological studiy of Panthera tigris corbetti biographical science fiction. THIS IS THE BOOK THAT ALL OTHERS IN THE GENRE WILL BE JUDGED.
SPOILER ALERT!!! The tiger is not Tiger Woods as Swaim would lead you to believe through most of the book, the tiger is actually rosebud.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:18 am
drug fueled damn it!
March 8th, 2008 at 2:35 am
To Glendoor: It happens. Go ahead and comment all your thoughts. It will be fun to read them until the ambien kicks in….if it kicks in. *sigh*
March 8th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Well, most of the shit I write works better than Ambien. Which the last time I took, I went and got into bed. Then I woke up on my couch and apparently I had made a peanut butter sandwich in my sleep and had it smeared all over my face and chest, which my smallest dog was thoroughly enjoying. My oldest daughter had come home and taken a picture of it on her cell phone.
I haven’t taken that stuff in over a year because of that.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:24 am
Yeah I think I would discontinue it too. Sleeping meds have some weird ass side effects. Here is how I see it: You can either not sleep or take the meds and gain 20 lbs. in your sleep. If you got the Jimmy Legs (and who doesn’t) you can either not sleep or take Requip and develop a gambling addiction. I think being a well rested morbidly obese person in debt is better than being a zombie with bags underneath your eyes. That look isn’t flattering.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Print will never die. I work across both web and print media and i’m pretty sure it’s here to stay. Reading on screen will never be the same as holding something in your hand.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
My personal memoirs were simply entitled Ross: Portrait of a Gihhiggleflunk. According to my publishing agent however, that isn’t a word, and was therefore discredited.
Yet somehow they thought my tentacle-rape poetry was going to tap into the lucritive Japanese market, and therefore they published that.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
If you throw in a talking dog that host an incredibly bizarre game show and dates a blonde
human, with your tentacle-rape poetry you’ll end up owning Japan.
March 9th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Swaim: Alright, then I’ll cop to it being imagery. As for the grammar duel, bring it on!
Glad: My use of an ellipsis is a stylistic device to indicate my thoughts/voice trailing off, and my use of “And” at the beginning of a sentence is another stylistic device to indicate more emphasis on that particular phrase. It is generally accepted that neither of those two things are hard-and-fast grammar “rules” anymore; they have become stylistic choices in the move towards making informal written language which more closely resembles informal speech. This movement has come about largely because of electronic media, and therefore such stylistic choices are even more acceptable on the intarwebz than in regular print.
So, there.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Glenmoor42 thank you. That shit was comedy. Let me horribly misquote someone famous and say, “Me falling into a hole and dying is a tragedy, you falling into a hole and dying is comedy.” Personally when someone falls, trips, slides, horribly embarasses themself or in general busts their ass, my first response is usually to try not and erupt in happy hysterical fits of glee. Unless I know them. Then I make sure they don’t have a head wound first.
March 10th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
good job mickey- loved the article and your wit
March 10th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Glenmoor42? I thought Pharaoh Mustafa was the only black person here.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Glenmoor42 is my half scottish, half black, half brother.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Sort of like Sam Jackson in a kilt?
March 10th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
With a massive head.
March 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
He has an amazing collection of kilts does Sam Jackson.
No one understands why.
Maybe the freedom.
FREEEEEEEDOM! FROM PANTS!
March 23rd, 2008 at 1:02 pm
And of course mr. supposedly ‘liberal’ manages to once again throw in his racist commentary but making it look ‘funny’ ‘look people I don’t roll up my windows or lock my doors when a young black male approaches my car, I DON’T okayyyy’.