Samuel L. Jackson Releases Video Endorsement of Presidential Candidate!
by Michael Swaim
Following in the wake of Jack Nicholson’s stirring tribute to Hillary Clinton, famed and prolific Hollywood screen actor Samuel L. Jackson (Deep Blue Sea) has released a video clip detailing his own thoughts on the person best fit to run the country in 2008 and beyond. Let’s watch, shall we?
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes ridiculously dificcult edits as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
March 5th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Hey, Swaim. Have you ever taken an IQ test? That was genious.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Some things are funny. That wasn’t one of them.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I dunno, if I had to choose one man to select burgers for me, I don’t know if it’d be Sam Jackson. I think I’d vote for glendoor42. That man knows his burgers!
March 5th, 2008 at 10:04 am
He more or less knows his burger elements, whether or not he actually knows his complete burgers is another thing.
Oh and good job Swaim, Sam L. has had a place in my heart ever since he started visiting my fair country every few months to buy a kilt. From his very special kilt shop.
March 5th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Oh, and his immense acting talent of course.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:36 am
The inclusion of the “protect your head, use your arms!” bit has earned you my backing. If you ever run for president, I promise I might consider thinking about voting for you.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Some people would be sad if TillyKGB were burned in a horrific chemical fire. I am no longer one of them.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Not gonna lie to you, Mikey Swaim, started off a little slow - ended gloriously, though. You still have my love and admiration… and giant crush. Damn your fiance! Damn her straight to hell!
March 5th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
If anything about the ‘08 election deserves a hearty “Yeehah potatoes!” it has to be that.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
back off bitch!! he’s mine! [:)]
March 5th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Now, now ladies. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind helping you both with your “hysteria” problems.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Caaat Fiiiight!
March 5th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
lolcat fight?
March 5th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I bez en ur face, kikinz yer anklez and pullinz your hairz
March 5th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
HAHA! i like the idea of lolcat fights…
March 5th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Well Michael, since you ARE supporting a brother, I guess I can’t call you racist anymore. But watch yourself, because at anytime, I can twist your words into meaning something that has nothing to do with the subject at hand…
March 5th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
“protect your head, use your arms!” That is probably the best thing I have heard out of a Presidential candidate, or President for that matter, since JFK said “…. and that’s how I bagged Marilyn Monroe”.
As a matter of fact JFK could have probably benefited greatly from“protect your head, use your arms!”.
Now, about that machete cheeseburger, how will the meat be seasoned? Will it be seasoned with just salt and pepper or will it have a rub applied to it like, garlic powder or salt, cumin, paprika, a little bit of chili powder to give it some heat or one of my favorite methods mix Lipton onion soup mix and the above ingredients straight into the meat when the patties are made? That is if the cheeseburgers are homemade and not from some fast food establishment.
Next more questions about condiments (dressings).
March 5th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Yeah, I’ve heard glendoor42 likes seasoning rubbed into his meat.
BAM!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Yeah and Mrs.glendoor42 said you do too, she said it didn’t take much though, like the little packets of salt and pepper you get from fast food places. A half a one a piece.
bam.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I just need the tip.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Well that good cause she said that’s all you got.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Hey, stop making fun of my freakishly small penis!
March 6th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
You opened the door for that.
Hey, I heard kingmonkey’s penis is so small that the expensive hat for his penis is the monopoly hat.
Every time I mention kingmonkey’s penis to Mrs. glendoor42 her eyes squint up and she reaches for her glasses.
I heard that kingmonkey’s penis is so small that South American crossing dressing midgets
penises look like that tree that fell on the truck in South Afrika by comparison.
I heard the reason Ian Cooper left Cracked is because he couldn’t stop laughing about how small kingmonkey’s penis is he had to get psychiatric help.
I heard that when Michael Swaim saw kingmonkey’s dick it was such a sad and profound life changing experience for him he is now donating all his profits from “Those aren’t Muskets” to the NAACP. ( he also cried because he found out that kingmonkey was the one who is going to give him anal for the 300 comments post).
I heard that the reason that Ross Wolinsky nooner video screen’s are so small is because he doesn’t want kingmonkey to feel intimidated.
Kingmonkey’s small penis is the reason Daniel O’Brien hates Hannah Montana.
Kingmonkey’s small penis inspired Gladstone to lose weight, he wanted to find his own penis again. ( hey it could have been a dead baby, hairy chest joke, sorry)
Kingmonkey’s small penis is the reason that Lex Friedman has that insufferable smirk on his face.
Filipino prisoners dance with joy that their penis is larger than kingmonkeys (who’s isn’t, we should all dance).
Kingmonkey’s name change to kingmonkey +1 is a pathetic attempt to compensate for his small penis.
Kingmonkey’s small penis is the reason Kate Moss can’t conceive.
And finally(for now) Hannah Montana is the reason for kingmonkey +1( yeah right) small penis.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
The thing about Hannah Montana is true. She drugged me and had me surgically reduced so her penis would look bigger by comparison. Oh, did I mention Hannah Montana is a tranny?
Luckily, I don’t take internet commenters seriously, right? Heh heh.
…sniff…
March 6th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Hey, come on I was joking, don’t cry………… about your freakishly small penis!
March 6th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Hellishly funny video. The subsequent dick jokes are a bit stale, though.