Gwyneth Paltrow Helps Kate Moss Have Crack Baby
News has it that Kate Moss is so desperate for a baby that she’s switching to Gwyneth Paltrow’s eccentric macrobiotic diet in the hopes it will help her conceive.
Wow. There are so many odd things about that.
For starters, I’ve never imagined that Kate Moss and Gwyneth Paltrow could live together in the same sentence. Y’know, except maybe in some sort of Goofus and Gallant construction like “At a dinner party, Gwyneth always politely excuses herself before getting up from the table; Kate leaves to snort blow off the hostess’ coffee table.”
The other weird thing is that, although I’ve always been told that Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss are super hot, I’ve never, ever, under any circumstances, been attracted to these ladies. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have these two images emblazoned into my retinas, but even before that, I just never drank the Kool Aid. And, now, after all these years, here they are in one useless celeb story.
But what strikes me most about this report is that Kate Moss was faced with fertility problems and her first solution was to start eating like a pale, once-famous, pseudo Englishwoman.
I think a simpler answer is at hand.
Ms. Moss, I understand your desire for a child, and, if I may, I’d like to suggest an alternative to eating like a rabbit with food allergies.
The key to getting pregnant is predicting when you are ovulating. Accordingly, plot your last menses on a calendar and then count forward 7 – 10 days. Science also tells us that the female body jumps slightly in temperature preceding ovulation. You may want to start plotting your temperature on a daily basis to help you predict the prime time for your chance to conceive.
Then, and this is very important, eat a damn sandwich or something. And stop doing all that blow. You’re trying to conceive a child, not a twitching Dunkin’ Donuts powdered sugar Munchkin.
Check out some more Gladstone over HERE. And his latest YouTube video HERE.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Is Kate Moss that preteen boy from the Obsession ads? I’ve learned something new today. Thanks, Maine Wayne.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
I want damn sandwich!!!!!
I want damn and cheese sandwich!!!!
March 5th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Dude, that’s true.
She’ll have to have a certain percentage of fat to conceive.
Plus she can always adopt.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I think I’m fertile. I could donate some of my time helping Kate. 2 months should do it, right? I’m sure I could handle the stress involved.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:21 am
Well , that baby damn sure won’t be showing up on any Anne Geddes merchandise.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Doesn’t she already have a kid?
I’m pretty sure someone on the Cracked staff wrote a bit about it, maybe it was in the ‘Mexican boy glues himself to his bed’ piece.
Or maybe my time browsing Cracked and outside reality have somehow merged into one, gloopy mess.
It would explain why I have that recurring nightmare of Swaim putting on blackface and smashing watermelons alá Gallacher.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Yes, she has a kid, but focusing on that ruins the joke. Damn you. BTW, Ian wrote the earlier post you’re referring to, but he left Cracked to go teach jazz to Ethiopians so screw him.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I can’t wait for that calypso version of ‘Take Five’.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Ethiopians playing jazz?
Hmm…
http://www.afropop.org/img/ea/ethiopia/2006E-11-400.jpg
By the way, Kate Moss isn’t even that hot, but she is addicted to the coca, so I guess she’d do some FREAKY things for that nose candy
March 6th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Also, I ruined a joke
March 6th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
i had to replace the image of kate moss. sorry.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Don’t apologise, the stick figure is much less offensive and probably more realistic too.
March 7th, 2008 at 3:55 am
Geez, nobody with a “Hannah Montana will get Kate Moss pregnant with the Antichrist”? Are we over that now?
March 7th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Hannah Montana made Cracked.com get FollicleMan’s hopes up, then she shattered his dreams. Damn you, Hannah… damn you.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:02 am
I think I’m fertile. I could donate some of my time helping Kate. 2 months should do it, right? I’m sure I could handle the stress involved
oyun