8 Upcoming Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped
With adaptations of board games and after school TV shows on their way to theaters, criticizing upcoming adaptations is a bit like beating a dead horse with a barrel full of fish that have been shot to pieces. But keep in mind that the most successful movie franchise of the past five years is an adaptation of a boat ride. You never know when a film adaptation is going to exceed its source material, and turn that animatronic ghost pirate into a compelling character. Here on the other hand, are eight adaptations that will be exactly as shitty as you expect.
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#8. HORTON HEARS A WHO
The original Horton Hears a Who contained valuable life lessons, whimsical artwork, and was over in 40 minutes (I read it a few months ago, but I suffer from some pretty severe learning disabilities, so that estimate might be off a smidge). Add to that the fact that the last Dr. Seuss adaptation essentially finished off Mike Meyer’s ailing film career, and it doesn’t sound like the best candidate for translation to the screen. Naturally, the movers and shakers of Hollywood aim to overcome such dire predictions, or at least prove them spectacularly.
The main reasons to be afraid of this movie are the same reasons we should be salivating over it: It’s got cutting edge CG and features the voices of Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Carol Burnett, Steve Carell and Seuss veteran Jim Carey. Also Dane Cook, but there’s a good chance he’ll just be in one scene as a buzzard with ADHD who screams at Horton about how much he enjoys turkey sangwiches and rocking.
So why the fear? Because I’ve got the strong feeling that, based on the talent involved, this is going to be a “loose adaptation,” in the same sense that the Holocaust was a loose adaptation of Nietzsche. The screenwriter had to stretch three plot points (elephant hears who, elephant faces ridicule, elephant perseveres) and one simple lesson (listen to invisible voices and do what they say) to 90 minutes, all while accommodating the comedic stylings of the actors involved and attempting to pull in the tween demo. If the past has taught us anything, it’s that this process usually translates into a confused miasma of mugging, meta-humor, and desecrations of beloved childhood nostalgia.
Take all that and add the fact that the writers’ only previous film is College Road Trip, and you can expect Horton to spend most of the movie talking through his ass and at least one scene where the Whos smoke out and discuss Keira Knightley’s tits.
Gladstone: Keira Knightly doesn’t have breasts.
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Ross: “Sangwiches”?! Was that a typo, or did you seriously just drop a Dane Cook inside joke?! I’m going to pretend it was a typo.
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#7. GET SMART
I loved this sitcom as a child. They showed it in syndication on weekday mornings and my mom would let me watch it before nursery school (but only if I finished all my whiskey). I’m not sure why I liked it. The music probably had a lot to do with it, and Don Adams talking into his shoe couldn’t have hurt either. Still if you go back and watch it now, there is some truly inspired comedy in this Mel Brooks/Buck Henry production.
But in its latest incarnation, Mel and Buck have been replaced by Tom J. Astle and Matt Ember. Who? Remember Episode 1 of the 2000 season of The Hughleys? No? How about the A Fox by Any Other Name episode from the 1997 season of Coach? No? Hmm, yeah, that could be a problem, because that’s who these writers are. I’m not sure even Steve Carell as the lead can help save this movie. And that’s coming from a guy who, so help me, even kind of enjoyed Evan Almighty and Dan in Real Life. (Shut up. I know. I know.)
In addition to my random personal complaints, there’s also a vaguely intelligent reason things aren’t boding well for this flick. Part of what made Get Smart! great was that it was edgy and different for its time. Mel Brooks would go on to hone his style of slapstick and satire in feature films. And Jim Abrams and the Zucker brothers would then carry that tradition (at a more frenetic pace) to fruition with their Airplane and Naked Gun movies. Going back to the roots of that humor now will look less like an homage and more like some second-rate schlock satire (e.g. Meet the Spartans). That might be fine for my co-blogger Ross Wolinsky who likes to giggle at fat guys and firearms, but you, the discerning Cracked reader, deserve more.
Ross: Fat guys and firearms. What more is there?.
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Swaim: Wait–are you saying there’s something wrong with Meet the Spartans?!.
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#6. MONOPOLY: THE MOVIE
Hasbro recently inked a deal with Universal good for at least four films, one of which will allegedly be based on the board game Monopoly. This makes perfect sense if you think about it: People love the game, so why wouldn’t they love a movie based on the game? Eureka! You’ve done it again, Hollywood!
Here’s the problem: Aside from Rich Uncle Pennybags and the cop who says “GO TO JAIL,” Monopoly’s entire cast of characters (with the exception of the dog) is a bunch of inanimate pewter objects. How do you make a movie out of that? Will it document the thrilling rise to power of Shoe, whose hotel empire comes to dominate everything from Kentucky Avenue to Marvin Gardens? Will there be a subplot about Thimble and Wheelbarrow who are down on their luck, squatting in a condemned building on Baltic Avenue, where they can see the gleaming jewels of the Community Chest just barely out of arms reach? Maybe they’ll go the serious route and make it a prestige flick about the actual history of Monopoly and Parker Brothers. It could be a gripping cautionary tale of hubris and lost humanity. They could call it There Will Be Board Games.
You know what? I would actually totally pay money to see that. We should take this one off the list.
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Gladstone: Ross, I find it disheartening that you don’t care about the trials and tribulations of a top hat. Shame on you..
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Swaim: My family only had Bible Stories Monopoly, so all these references are totally lost on me. Now if they made a movie about a little pewter Isaiah building three mangers and a temple in Jeroboam–that I’d see..
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#5. DRAGONBALL
Yes, it’s THAT Dragonball. The one you watched in junior high where about nine things happened over the course of 500 episodes, and every enemy had six forms and was named after cooling equipment. And NO, this is not one of the dozen animated movies that got released, or a Japanese import, or a You Tube video with clips inexplicably edited to an Offspring song. This is an honest-to-goodness, white boy-starring, Chow Yun-Fat-featuring American adaptation by 20th Century Fox that will come out in theaters and everything, and it’s written and directed by the man that brought us Final Destination 3, remembered as perhaps the most final of all the Final Destination movies.
Why is it going to suck? Because there’s no way it’s going to be even remotely faithful, and let’s face it: the people who are going to be seeing this movie are primarily fanatical nerds who will shit a brick if Krillin doesn’t have the right number of dots on his forehead. Which, seriously, they better not fuck up or I swear to Piccolo I will blog about nothing else for a week.
To better understand the forces of inevitability we’re dealing with here, let’s examine a parallel scenario: At a certain point in the X-Men comics, Jean Grey becomes Dark Phoenix, flies through a wormhole and dives into a distant star, destroys a galaxy, and ultimately disintegrates herself after a failed psychic battle with Lilandra, empress of the Shi’ar, on the “Blue Area” of the moon. Why did the makers of X3 decide to change that plotline to “Jean gets all pissed off and wrecks shit, but Wolverine kills her so it’s cool?”
Because the other plotline is rambling, grandiose nonsense, perfect for the comics page, but impossible to pull off with any kind of dignity or believability in two short hours. Dragonball Z elevates such awesome nonsense to unthinkable levels, including routine trips to the afterlife, wish-granting intergalactic space dragons, and a hero that occasionally turns into a giant radioactive ape. If the movie is at all faithful, it will be terrible, and if it’s not, it will alienate its core audience.
Frankly, the safe bet is to just make another Pirates of the Caribbean sequel.
Gladstone: This wasn’t on when I was in Junior High. Are there any plans to adapt Small Wonder?.
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Ross: I have absolutely nothing to say about this, but you know who I like? That Morgan Freeman fella..
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#4. SPEED RACER
If the trailer is any indication, the Wachowski brothers’ live-action adaptation of Speed Racer looks like it’s gonna be a humdinger. It’s directed by the same guys who made the Matrix trilogy, and the film is sure to make a ton of money because of (or in spite of) that fact, but this looks more like a 90-minute-long round of Mario Kart than anything else to me.
One that you can’t actually control.
Why shouldn’t this film be made? Let me answer that question with another question: Has there ever been a live-action film adapted from a cartoon that SHOULD HAVE been made?! Garfield, Fat Albert, Aeon Flux, Transformers, Inspector Gadget, The Flintstones… the list of turds goes on and on and on. Not that these were such hot franchises to begin with, but if the adaptations are consistently worse than the originals, then why does Hollywood continue to churn these films out year after year?
Oh yeah - because Hollywood has no original ideas and mouth-breathing idiots will pack the theaters anyway. Oops - I almost forgot!
Maybe Speed Racer will be different: Maybe the Wachowskis will turn a simple racing movie into yet another complex religious allegory and teach us all to question reality and authority. Maybe this will be the movie the Wachowskis are really remembered for, the movie that comes to define a generation, like Easy Rider or Chairman of the Board.
And if not, well, at least there’s a monkey in it.
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Gladstone: I’ve always said that The Matrix was a sophomoric mess of a movie with some nice camera effects thrown in. If Matrix III didn’t prove to the world that the Wachowski brothers are overrated, maybe Speed Racer will. And yes, I like having no friends..
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Swaim: More like Chairman of the BORED? Am I right?! Carrot Top sucks, right?! Brilliant..
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#3. WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
Spike Jonze, one of my favorite directors, and Dave Eggers, celebrated author and founder of one of my favorite websites, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, are teaming up to bring you Maurice Sendak’s classic children’s book. But only if I fail to destroy every last copy of the film once it’s complete. I know, I know. You think the flick sounds promising. Let’s see if I can explain myself by answering your anticipated questions:
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Q: Didn’t you like the book?
A: Yes, it’s one of my favorites.
Q: Don’t you like Dave Eggers? Hasn’t his McSweeney’s website been very good to you?
A: Yes on both accounts. If it weren’t for McSweeney’s I’d have no friends in my Facebook account at all.
Q: Do you have some problem with Spike Jonze?
A: No, “Being John Malcovich” is one of my favorite movies of all time.
Q: What are you then, some kind of jerk?
A: I believe the word is blogger.
Yes, on paper this all sounds good. Too good. Let me explain. When I was a young lad I remember getting very excited about a little flick called The Three Amigos. I watched the commercials in wonder: “Wait, you’re telling me Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short are ALL in the same movie! Whoa… that’s like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cool! Does the movie come with ice cream too?”
And, yet, we all know how that turned out.
Q: Wait, are you seriously panning a movie because it seems too promising?
A: Yes. I’m difficult to love.
Ross: Wait, are you saying there’s something wrong with The Three Amigos?!.
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Swaim: Not all bloggers are jerks, Gladstone. I’ve tried to explain this to you before..
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#2. THE SIMS: THE MOVIE
1994’s Street Fighter wasn’t a particularly noteworthy film, but it did prove an important scientific fact, one that remains relevant to this day: Movies based on video games suck. Tomb Raider, Alone in the Dark, Resident Evil… I could go on, but I worked so hard for so long to repress those nasty memories. If I spend too much time thinking about these movies I’ll probably end up back in therapy, trying to forget them all over again. Then it’s only a matter of time before I think about Mortal Kombat, and then I’ll have to take the blue pills again. The ones that make everything all fuzzy.
Say what you will about the plethora of horrible video game adaptations that have hit the silver screen, but for the most part they’ve kind of made sense. If you have an action-packed video game full of static characters, turning it into an action-packed live-action movie should be pretty straightforward.
That’s all well and good for games with things like “characters” and “plots,” but how do you make a live-action movie out of The Sims? Do you film some dude sitting on a couch for 90 minutes, babbling in Simlish while soccer ball icons fly out of his head? Does the film reach its climax when he gets up, makes some weird noises, urinates all over the floor and then collapses in the (inexplicably blue) puddle? If my experience with The Sims is any indication, that’s the only plot this film could possibly have.
I could rant and rave about all the reasons this particular movie adaptation is a horrible idea, but instead I’m going to make a broad appeal to Hollywood:
PLEASE STOP MAKING VIDEO GAME MOVIE ADAPTATIONS. NONE OF THEM ARE ANY GOOD. THAT IS ALL.
I think I’ve made a difference here today. I really do..
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Gladstone: I heard Roman Polanski was directing a “Second Life” movie, but the Feds shut it down after it was revealed the presumed underage actress who was having all that sex was an undercover agent..
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Swaim: No, Ross, this made a difference. Oh, wait. No it didn’t.
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#1. SEX AND THE CITY
To be honest, I’ve seen about four minutes of this program all told, and both times I watched it there was the possibility of getting laid at the time to encourage me. Two minutes in, it became readily apparent that even sex was not worth the massive brain seizures I risked by watching four women live out all the negative aspects of my stereotyped mental vision of “gals on the go.”
As I see it, there are two main reasons to fear the arrival of such a monstrosity at the box office. The first is that by all accounts it is going to be staggeringly faithful to the original: same cast, same producer, same writing/directing team, same misogyny-inducing dialog and narration peppered with enough sex scenes to get you erect so you really feel it when your dick is metaphorically stomped on by grrl power. The second is that if you have a woman in your life, chances are she will make you see it.
Despite being one of the worst representations of women in modern culture, it was one of the highest-rated shows on HBO ever, and now all the boyfriends who managed to have a macrame class every Sunday night will have no legitimate excuse for not going (for some reason, “I have testicles and hate you” is not considered a legitimate excuse). And since the movie is a continuation of the series, there’s a good chance your gal’s going to want you to brush up on the show so you’ll know what’s going on.
After all, you wouldn’t want to miss out on all the referential subtext when Big tells Carrie he “knows what she did last summer.” It’s kind of like watching all the Star Wars movies the day before seeing Episode III, except, almost impossibly, it ends even more painfully.
Gladstone: I think you’re a little off here, I’ve already uncovered the full plot of this movie months ago based only on the leaked production pictures..
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Ross: Also, what’s up with women always wanting to go shopping and having their periods and being like “give me the remote control” when I’m trying to watch something? Have you ever noticed how they’re always in the bathroom “getting ready?” WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!.
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Ross Wolinsky makes you feel alright about laughing at videos of stupid people, and whatever other viral video catches his fancy in his Daily Nooner, live on the national internet every weekday at noon (EST).
Mike Swaim writes about pornography, and occasionally things that aren’t pronography ALMOST every day of the week.
Wayne Gladstone writes about music, and other things that annoy him (usually Starpulse.com) on Mondays and Wednesdays.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Go to bed, Andy. You’ve worked hard all day and that bed sure does look comfortable.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
given that Monopoly is heavily regionalised, even down to cities, and that often those in one country are completely unaware other version exist will the movie be similiarly regionalised? will the British see one based in London? the French in Paris? and the yanks where ever the hell it is they use? (i don’t bother learning about cities less than a millia old)
March 5th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
There are two ways that The Sims Movie can go.
The Good Way (should they choose to hire me as writer/producer):
Michel Gondry (or perhaps Greg Arraki) directs a tale set in a quiet suburban community where people live in secret terror of “The Gem.” When it appears above their head, they know that their actions are not their own as some insidious outside force controls them. Of course, each person fears they would be considered insane if they spoke of their fear so they remain quiet, unaware that the equally irrational actions of their fellow residents are caused by the Gem as well.
There is a cult that worships the Gem and a capricious deity they call Enduser. In their ceremonies, they desperately try to invoke The Gem and periodic speak in Simlish tongues.
An escapee from the Cult of the Gem falls in love with a normal girl and tries to explain about The Gem and Enduser and tries to explain all the random shit that perpetually happens in this nightmarish distopia. So as the Cult tries to recapture the escapee and the outside world fails to believe his warnings, the world becomes more and more random and erratic as Enduser grows bored with the Sims.
Expansion Packs can then be used for sequels.
The Bad Way (The way Hollywood will actually do it):
When Billy, suffering from a troubling home life of neglect and emotional abuse, hides from his troubles in the world of The Sims computer game, caring for but also tormenting his surrogate family. After a massive power surge, Billy comes to realize that his Sims have become sentient, and he learns valuable lessons about the responsibility that come with great power and discovers what it takes to bring his family together again.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
1.) Regarding Horton Hears a Who, I did watch “Mr.Brooks” the other day (warning, spoiler) and I must say that I watch it over and over again just to see Dane Cook get the shit beat out of him with a shovel immediately followed by his throat being sliced open by said shovel. Not to mention he pisses himself, which was also awesome.
2.) The Three Amigos was great, and one of my best childhood memories, for me it is right there next to Get Smart in terms of fondness. It is due to this fondness that the Get Smart adaptation will fail for me, but you already said that for me, thanks.
3.) This post made me laugh more than anything else on Cracked in the past few weeks, thanks for sucking a little less today.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Ross, there actually has been a good videogame-to-movie adaptation. Remember a little N64 game called “Goldeneye”? If I recall correctly, the movie that was based off of that game wasn’t so bad! (Although the movie neglected to include proximity mines or RPC-90’s…MAJOR gaffe right there.)
March 5th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
ifthey did an adaptation of the starwars monopoly game, everyone is equally snubbed, and they could actually make it work, like lego sta…r wars..
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I for one would pay to see starwars re-enacted on the big screen in lego.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Why does no one like Episode III? It was better than 1 and 2, right?
March 5th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
dane cook is teh hott
March 5th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Bible Stories Monopoly? That’s a joke, right?
March 5th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Swaim doesn’t like anything if it’s not approved by the KKK.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Yabels… I know you’re kidding…. right? PLEASE tell me you’re kidding…. I find it quite difficult to believe that anyone could legitimately believe that the movie was based on the game. I mean, if you know nothing else about anything you should at least know that James Bond movies have been coming out for 40 years and they have resulted in numerous game spin offs but NEVER the other way around. Ok… if you WERE kidding make it more obvious and if you weren’t then may God have mercy on us all….
March 5th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
‘# Yabels Says:
March 5th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Ross, there actually has been a good videogame-to-movie adaptation. Remember a little N64 game called “Goldeneye”? If I recall correctly, the movie that was based off of that game wasn’t so bad! (Although the movie neglected to include proximity mines or RPC-90’s…MAJOR gaffe right there.)’
You’ve never heard of Ian Fleming have you?
Please tell me you’re joking.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
The Three Amigos was hilarious when I was 12. And now that I am 33 and watch it again, I still laugh out loud when the invisible swordsman
March 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
gets shot… stupid work computer.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
“lip balm?” and invisible swordsman are 3 Amigos comedy gold. Unfortunately they happen in the middle of the movie back to back and everything before and after kinda of sucks.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Oh, please don’t diss Sex in the City. Seriously, witty and clever….whether you want to admit it or not.
March 5th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Not even close, Ann
March 5th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
The Three Amigos is actually one of my favorite movies from the 80s. I think it represents the fiery zenith of Chevy Chase’s comic acting. Not as good as Fletch, but it is without a doubt still one of the only films that can still make me pee my pants with laughter.
Spies Like Us is also a great 80s comedy. But to each his own.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I’ve been playing “The Sims”and “The Sims 2″ for years now… and I have NO CLUE how they could ever make a movie out of it. They basically give you a blank slate to make your own stories with. That’s the point. It’s like making a movie about Microsoft Powerpoint, except the Sims 2 is marginally more fun. I love the game to death, but I think I’ll pass on the movie, unless it’s some deep reflection on the human condition.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I say the list of movies that are based on video games that they are gonna release in the near future. Pac Man is on the list.
Fucking Pac Man. I could barley stand him in the Bloodhound Gang’s music video for Mope, what makes them think I would sit through a whole movie with him in it. Really.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
And as for “Sex and the City…” I am a female and I don’t get it. It’s a bunch of women working and trying to get laid while simultaneously expressing their independence by have sex with many men and celebrating it. I don’t know, I guess I don’t see how having sex with every hot guy that gives you eye contact is an expression of independence. I didn’t see anything witty or funny about it. The writers just tried to see how many times they could throw the word “sex” in there, and women came drolling. “SEX! REAL WOMENS ISSUES! ALSO, THESE WOMEN HAVE JOBS!” But wait, doesn’t that seem to be what most men are preoccupied with? Sex and jobs? Stupid.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Dont get me wrong I think Hollywood is all out of ideas too, but this didnt really seem that funny. More like you guys just squandered a few hours of your lives capping on an already dead industry…
March 5th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
How can they possibly lump Transformers in with Fat Albert, Garfield and Flintstones? Garfield and Fat Albert were critically panned, the Flintstones was essentially crap. The only semi-valid complaint any Transformers fan has made about the movie was that there weren’t enough robot scenes, and even that’s due to budgeting. Ridiculous.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Yes Yabels is kidding
March 5th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I have conflicting thoughts about you, Howabominable…for one, every hot chick I know likes the atrocity that is Sex and the City, and if you don’t like that makes you awesome, but I have a feeling you like Paula Poundtone, and that’s NOT a good thing. However, if you are looking good, and you like a little NFL on Sunday…then I may have to take you in as my third wife (Pharaohs are too good to have just one woman obeying his every word)
March 5th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I thought THE SIMS was going to be about a Korean family.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
JD, are you kidding?
You can’t name one city in the U.S.?
Also do you think there is even the slightest possibility of them filming more than one full-length Monopoly based film? We’re not talking changing the language, we’re talking actual re-filming/re-scripting the entire film and shooting several different versions…you are an idiot.
March 5th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
They’re actually making another Street Fighter movie. Jean Claude Van Damme was offered a part on it, and he turned it down. Let me say that again for our hard of hearing. Movie producers went to Jean Claude Van Damme offering him money to beat the shit out of people on camera. And Jean Claude Van Damme took a look at this script. And Jean Claude Van Damme said, “you know what? this isn’t quite up to my standards. I’ll pass.” Now if you’ll excuse me, I must vomit out of fear.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Girlfriends only make you watch Sex in the City if they’re lame. D: Having had girlfriends and currently being a girlfriend, I should know.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
“Ross, there actually has been a good videogame-to-movie adaptation. Remember a little N64 game called “Goldeneye”? If I recall correctly, the movie that was based off of that game wasn’t so bad! (Although the movie neglected to include proximity mines or RPC-90’s…MAJOR gaffe right there.)”
Alex and Commander Ross……its ok, calm down. Obviously he was joking and it was funny. If the wording and the ! in the main part didn’t tip you off, the part in the parenthesis should have made it a no brainer.
Or maybe you both were joking, if so “make it more obvious”
March 5th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
My take on sex in the city is that it is really the semi-fictional account of gay men in new york. The major change being the characters are cast as women.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
here comes the joke police again,
Nirt, he is joking and knows there aren’t going to be regional movies for every monopoly game, he is begging the question. and I don’t care if you have lived under a rock if have heard of london then you have heard of New York City, again the parenthesis and what lay in them should have made the joke a no brainer.
Though if JD is is foriegn and not aware of the History, Only one monopoly board can be considered the original and that title would be the US version of Atlantic City, sorry Limeys and Frenchies, foriegn version just don’t count
March 5th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
The Three Amigos get funnier every fucking time I watch it.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Board game based movies could work. They made a movie of Mouse Trap with Michael Caine in it years ago, didn’t they?
March 5th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Michael Swaim, you stole that “Chairman Of The BORED” joke from Norm MacDonald! You’re a PHONY!!!! Hey, everyone, MICHAEL SWAIM’S A PHONY!!!!
March 5th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
James Cobb, you stole that joke from a way overused Family Guy episode. You’re a PHONY!
March 5th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
A Sims movie… If I wanted to watch people walk around pissing themselves and whining for food I’s just go to the nursing home. At least it’d be for free.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Every time that Monopoly movie gets mentioned, I’m sure it’s just some kind of weird hoax. Like at some point the studio will release a statement that’s like “Wait, you really thought that was for real?! Ha ha, you idiots will believe ANYTHING!”
And not all women like Sex and the City, Swaim, you stereotyping asshole. Some of us would rather eat glass than watch the movie, and spent years relentlessly mocking the show and everyone who watched it.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Making the Sex and the City Movie the #1 entry after not having watched the series is sexist and insulting. Especially when it’s ranked ahead of a movie based on a video game. You are dismissing this movie purely because it is targeted at women. The series has always contained much more intelligent writing than has ever been featured in any of the by-the-numbers-frat-boy-beer-drinking-contest-buddy-films that are the male equivalent.
If you are in a relationship in which you can’t stand up to your partner and tell them that you don’t enjoy Sex and the City, or your girlfriend doesn’t have any friends that she can go with, you are not a real man (and she is probably an unbearable bitch).
I suppose that does grant me some insight as to what state of mind the writers of this article are in, I’d be pissed off too if I was a pussy whipped little bitch.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Erin the Bitch - you kick ass.
I completely agree with what Erin said. And most people are totally missing what is (to me) the point of Sex and the City. I honestly thought the women slept around too much, I don’t know how realistic that is. But the point of it all was their relationships with each other. That was the one constant in the show. A bunch of women, going through real situations, usually single and without family in the city, and the only thing to lean on was their friends. That’s real life for most women in a big city.
The other thing I found interesting was that the most ‘objectionable’ characters to most men were Samantha and Miranda, who are working in a man’s world, but who are vilified for taking on the characteristics of men (Samantha with her sleeping around, and Miranda for being unemotional and career-focussed). This really resonated with me, as I’m an engineer working with mostly men all day. It’s very tough not to have women around. It’s so relaxing to get together with my girlfriends and just be myself. I agree that most comments that men make about this show are either sexist, or show a complete misunderstanding of what life is like for women living in a big city, away from their family, with a high-pressure job in a male-dominated field). This is exactly my case, and aside from all the extraneous sex, this show was very realistic to me.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Being pussy whipped has nothing to do with a girl being an unbearable bitch, she could be a very likable bitch err I mean girl.
Here is how the scenario will probably go.
Woman-Come see Sex and the City with me, it will be fun
Man- But I don’t wanna
Woman-I am not sure exactly what she say her its always hazy, but its the woman way of saying “do this and we can have sex after” with out actually saying that
Man-OK, I guess I will go
March 5th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
They are not actually the Wachowski brothers anymore, just the Wachowskis. One of them got a sex change.
March 5th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
knowing that the sims movie will be ‘penned’ by the person behind ’scary movie 3′… makes it even worse.
will the sims be something like ‘tron’? the characters get some sneaky suspicion that a ‘user’ exists?
lord help us
March 5th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Kate, nice job on spouting untrue internet rumors.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
“The other thing I found interesting was that the most ‘objectionable’ characters to most men were Samantha and Miranda, who are working in a man’s world, but who are vilified for taking on the characteristics of men (Samantha with her sleeping around, and Miranda for being unemotional and career-focussed).”
I don’t think that’s ‘objectionable,’ exactly. I think it’s completely sexist. Perpetuating the idea that, if a woman wants to be career-oriented and powerful, she has to take on as many male characteristics as possible? That’s sexist.
Charlotte’s focused on marriage, and babies, and tradition and a nice house, and she also happens to be the weakest character on the show. On Sex and the City, The closer you are to behaving like a stereotypical “woman” character, the less engaging and powerful you are, and the closer you are to behaving like a stereotypical “man” character, (sleeping around, focusing on your job), you more exciting and powerful you are. The strongest women are the one’s who act like men? THAT doesn’t scream sexist to you?
That’s some Top Girls shit right there.
That’s Margaret fucking Thatcher, is what that is.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
The three amigos rocked but not as hard as the new Dragonball movie is going to!.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Why do you consider Charlotte to be a weak character? She decided to give up a job she loved to have a family, which is a decision that almost every woman has to deal with at some point in her life. It’s a tough call, and there’s no good answer. You either work and feel guilty, decide not to work and have to put up with other career women saying ‘how could you?’, or you do both and end up doing justice to neither. This is also a decision men almost never have to make. She decided that a family was important enough to her to put up with the flak that she got from other women, including her friends. Then after that, she found out her husband was impotent, and finally she found out that she couldn’t have kids either. The show went through her dealing with all of this, and I don’t think it showed that she was weak. That would be a tough thing for any woman.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
First, may I just say that Gladstone’s Small Wonder reference made my day…man, I miss that show. Secondly, awesome list…these are all gonna suck. And the funny thing about Monopoly is that all the names come from Atlantic City, NJ…so maybe they can do something w/ it, after all, given the desolate shit-hole setting
March 5th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I saw the trailer for Speed Racer, and I think it made me gay. Shocking I know. My wife understands, but she keeps suggesting I watch the Iron Man trailer to reverse the gayness. Problem is: Now that Speed Racer has made me gay, I have no desire to watch Iron Man…. please help.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Completely lost all my respect when you called Transformers a turd.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
What about the WoW movie? The script is gonna be like “OH wootzorz. I r lvl 70!” “Gratz” “woohoo”
God, my ears already hurt.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
How the hell could you leave out the upcoming Atlas Shrugged starring Angelina Jolie? 5000 pennies says they turn one of the most influential novels of the 20th century into one of the fastest forgotten films of the 21st.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Thanks Jackson. Have I got a video for you!
March 5th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Jeez, Erin the Bitch. All of these articles are written tongue-in-cheek. I’m sure the writers have the stones to stand up to their girlfriends, but a man who has an open, honest, mature relationship with an equally mature woman….well, that shit just ain’t funny.
Normal couples aren’t entertaining. Who wants to watch a TV show/movie about a couple that goes to work, comes home, discusses their respective days, washes the dishes together, then watches TV, have mutually gratifying sex in the missionary position, then go to bed? No one wants to watch that shit. Usually, if a movie shows a couple like that, usually one of two things winds up happening…one of them is murdered in a random mugging which makes the other one a paranoid schizophrenic who, acting on their delusions, begins randomly murdering every low-life thug in the city (a la The Brave One). Or they have a child who turns out to be Satan.
Having said all that to say this…
Sex and the City sucks exactly 22.78 miles of diseased cock. Seriously, I did the math.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
To Smart Blonde & Dan: YOU ARE NOT HAVING A FIGHT ABOUT SEX AND THE CITY. You JUST aren’t, okay!
March 5th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
@Erin the Bitch and Smart Blonde I’ve watched Sex and the City repeatedly, my wife likes it, and I’m here to tell you that I checked Rockin’Dave’s math and yes the show does suck exactly 22.78 miles of diseased cock.
While we’re at it Desperate Housewives sucks ass too.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
There have been made several ‘acceptable’ videogame adeptations:
Silent Hill was a very good horror movie
Doom, Resident Evil, Tomb Raider, even Mortal Kombat were not great movies, but enjoyable for fans of the games.
Still, these games had characters, a storyline, and immersion. The Sims does not.
Monopoly is just scary.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Ok, I’m a 21 year old woman and I TOTALLY AGREE with the “Sex and the City” comments. I watched the opening of the show and wanted to shoot myself. I hate romance. I hate “women on the go”. I hate that horse-faced Sarah Jessica Parker and I hate not having a prescription of cyanide capsules so I can end my life if one of my friends wants to drag me to see this shitstorm. Whatever happened to eating steaks and watching movies with explosions in them? Whatever happened to making out with your boyfriend in the back seat of the car and going out to get drunk afterwards? WHAT IS WRONG WITH WOMEN!?!? Fuck. It’s so sad…can you imagine if people find that movie like 500 years from now? UGH!!
March 5th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Thanks Davita for showing that not all men who dislike Sex and the City are sexist. … Are you hot? You sound hot.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Will someone please hire EMStoveken as a screenwriter? He/She just made me laugh WAY too loudly at work. That is a genius plot idea for the Sims.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Sarah Jessica Parker? All this time I thought that was Dee Snider! MY BAD!
March 5th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Scrubs honestly describes my sex and relationship issues far better than Sex and the City ever did, and I’m a woman. Of course, I was forced to watch S&tC late at night by a former roommate, so I might be biased.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Seriously, this is bothering me. Why is there a “Sex and the City” movie and who do I have to kill to make sure this kind of thing never happens again? Ladies, this kinda shit makes us all look like over-rated, middle-aged office hookers, don’t you get it?
OH MY GOD, did the almighty Gladstone just imply that I was hot (which is very true, btw)? I think today’s my lucky day!
March 5th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
So, Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
March 5th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Hey Swaim you made the same joke Norm MacDonald did on Conan when the movie was coming out. If you can find the clip on youtube (which I am too lazy to) you can have a good laugh watching the interview.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Thank you, Oogabooga. I see I’m not the only one who caught that resemblance. On the other hand, I woul have totally watched Sex and the City if it starred Twisted Sister era Dee Snyder.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
more like Sarah Jessica BARKER AM I RIGHT GUYZ!
March 5th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I’d rather drink the product from my own piss-enema then watch the sex and the city movie.
March 5th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
So what’s wrong wif being sexy?
March 5th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Maybe the Sims movie will involve the “Vibromatic Heart Bed”. That would kick ass!
March 5th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
There actually are good live-action adaptations of animated material. Just none of them are American. I watched the live-action Kashern* today, and it was an emotionally gripping and visually stunning film. I have the feeling that if Hollywood did a remake, they would dumb down the social commentary, add an obligatory love scene and perhaps alter the ending so as not to be so grim.
*it’s an anime about the lust for eternal life, the true costs of medical research, the madness of war, political corruption…and giant robots.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Really? I heard Kashern got tailsmacked at meetsugarmommy.com
March 5th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
On the other hand, they’re all contenders to be deliciously camp.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Ross, you can just freaking bite me. And if I hear you dis Transformers again, you’d better hope I don’t bite you.
You other guys, funny stuff.
Watch out, Ross.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:32 am
You’d seriously better watch your ass, Ross. I’ve heard about this Angry Tough Guy Joe.
He sounds furious and tough. Also, like a guy.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Women: immediately report to the nearest kitchen/bedroom as comedy and movies are man talk. We can’t have you filling your brains with this and crowding out sandwhich making and pole dancing techniques.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:04 am
You can say what you like (Three Amigos fucking ruled), but I think you’re forgetting that the teaser poster for the Sex and the City movie is just a bunch of pink rhinestones spelling out…
Seriously, this is fucking awesome…
…”GET CARRIED AWAY”.
That is the best movie slogan ever right there. This shit’s gonna drop like Alien or The Fly.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:05 am
Matthijs-”Silent Hill was a very good horror movie”
Seriously?! Within the first fifteen min they shit all over the entire concept of the games, which were based on feelings of paranoia, isolation, and loneliness. But if there were only five or six characters I suppose they wouldn’t have been able to do all the needless gore at the end. The real clincher was when they felt the need to spell everything out and dumb the scenario down for American audiences; since another big draw of the games was trying to unravel the mystery of what exactly was going on and the introspective nightmare of where you really were/why you were there. Honestly I felt a little insulted and taken by the whole thing.
But I’ll give you Resident Evil, since they were decent fan flicks until someone said “You know what would make this really good? Magic mind-fuck powers!”
March 6th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Heh…
Monopoly…?
Will they allow us to watch it if we pay with monopoly
March 6th, 2008 at 1:06 am
>JD
“given that Monopoly is heavily regionalised, even down to cities, and that often those in one country are completely unaware other version exist will the movie be similiarly regionalised? will the British see one based in London? the French in Paris? and the yanks where ever the hell it is they use?”
We Yanks use the original. It is, after all, an American game. I’m assuming that the movie will be based on the original, and that it would be almost impossible to localize - as almost everything would have to be changed(not the least of which would be the dialogue).
>EMStoveken
That was pure genius(unlike the comment before yours. Was “Inducer” intentionally misspelled?
March 6th, 2008 at 1:29 am
the holocaust/nietzsche comparison is ripped from ricky gervais.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:34 am
Just when I think we’re all in the clear, those stupid fucking geriatric sluts show up again to ruin my life. And as much as I want to hunt down and kill Darren Star for “creating” that piece of rancid bug-infested shit, I’m constantly reminded at 2:58 PM every day that he also brought me 90210: just about the only thing in the world that can pull me out of rage blackouts these days.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion; but I happened to like the Resident Evil movies (or maybe I just like Milla Jovovich– it’s hard to say)
March 6th, 2008 at 3:14 am
Best way to do a Sims movie: a documentary. Show us how obsessive gamers can go ga-ga over what is essentially a virtual doll house, then point out that they could’ve probably gotten everything featured in the game in real life if they’d spent less time gaming.
But, you know, I have a weird feeling they’re going to follow the template from the “Bratz” movie.
Also: screw y’all, “Get Smart”’s going to be great.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:45 am
Back to the Golden Eye issue. Actually there was a good short movie based on the game. It’s called “The Interrogation” by Those Aren’t Muskets… But don’t start bragging MSwaim, it’s obvious that you took no part in the scenario of this one. I mean, the suspect is not black, come on, who are you fooling ?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:28 am
I cannot believe that no one has said The Birds. Michael Bay is behind this and it will no doubt be the worst remake ever. He will probably put Linkin Park as the soundtrack, where Hitchcock famously had no music.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:38 am
I liked Sex and the city as a tv-show (yes I’m a woman), but making it into a feature film is stupid on the grounds that it’ll just be like a long tv-episode. Why not just make a tv-special and show on TV?! What’s next, a Friends movie? If I haven’t paid for watching the show before I’m not gonna start now (though I’ll download it and watch it on the small screen where it belongs)
March 6th, 2008 at 5:02 am
I dont think making movies about video games is always bad. The mario brothers movie anyone? Frankly, I would love to see the movie version of animal crossing. The game was a thrill a minute, imagine what hollywood could do with a couple million dollars
March 6th, 2008 at 6:08 am
Dude I’m convinced now that y’all are haters in full force and effect. Not that I don’t love it. But damn, Transformers was a decent flick honestly, do let you man crush for Shy Labuff askew the true greatness of that movie. A robot “peeing” on Jesus’s head. AWESOME. Seriously, this whole list should just be Sex and the City. Just 8 through 1. I will shoot the entire theater I am in if I am forced to see it. But since I get laid less then carpet in Afghanistan, no one is in any real harm. Chow Yung Fat plays Piccalo, where the hell was THAT joke. I’m sure the ginormus power of the brain trust that is the Cracked writing staff could have thought of something.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Transformers sucked? I guess to much awesome was jam packed into those two hours for you . Otherwise some of the ideas on this list literally scare me. Who has to die to stop the Sex in the City movie….seriously. As someone who enjoys video games and under the age so that this fact is still socially acceptable, VIDEO GAMES SHOULD NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER BECOME MOVIES. Not one ever made has been a solid movie from start to finish but hey that could all change with the Gears of War and Halo movies……………….that was a joke if anyone thinks those are a good idea they are nuts!
March 6th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Okdok can’t spell foreign! OMG ROFL!
LOL!
Sarcastic and obvious enough for you buddy?
March 6th, 2008 at 7:23 am
“Add to that the fact that the last Dr. Seuss adaptation essentially finished off Mike Meyer’s ailing film career”
Yeah… cause “Shrek” (and Shrek 2, 3, and 4…) were total failures for his career.. right?
.. I’d hardly call his career “ailing” after Austin Powers 1, 2, and 3.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:59 am
I think the sims movie will be cool. I imagine it’ll be about regular people like us who find out that they’re being controlled by a higher power that is not God. In fact, that higher power is a regular person…like us. Okay, maybe it won’t be cool. If I know Hollywood, though, they’ll manage to work in some explosions somewhere, so maybe.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:01 am
The comments here are actually better than the original post. I seriously LOVE sex and the city (yes, I’m gay. get over it). I also laughed at every nasty comment made about the idea of this movie’s existence. Although I think Davita is actually either a man posing as a woman or a woman who is seriously denying her love for women. Seriously girl, all that self hate is not right. Give yer cootchie some love…it needs it.
I liked poison’s take the best. They should have just released this movie on HBO. Poison love…unless you are talking about watching the neutered reruns that are definitely not Sex and the City (more like ‘Dickless and no Titties’), you did pay for the show. It was on pay cable darling.
Be fierce all!
March 6th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Ned Nederlander: I think it’s a male plane.
Dusty Bottoms: How can you tell?
Ned Nederlander: Didn’t you notice its little balls?
March 6th, 2008 at 8:06 am
I’ve smoked a lot of weed and drank a lot of beers with the Director Jimmy Hayward.
He is a new director who got his start after failing out of Emily Carr’s animation program as an animator on the series Reboot.
Expect an extra large helping of cheese.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:19 am
ReBoot was cool… after the first couple seasons.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I like turtles.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:42 am
if you guys are gonna stick up for 3 Amigos someone should probably quote “a plethora of pinnatas.”
March 6th, 2008 at 8:46 am
With few exceptions, no one can say if some movie is bad or good. Movies are totally personals.
You dont like Matrix? Maybe you just dont understand the history behind the movie, but this is your fault, not the movie.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I heard yesterday that someone was thinking of remaking Slapshot. When I saw the title of this article, I assumed that it would be on the list. Since it’s not, I hereby submit it as an honorary member. Old time hockey, coach!
March 6th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Matthijs Says:
March 5th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
There have been made several ‘acceptable’ videogame adeptations:
Silent Hill was a very good horror movie
I disagree, the Silent Hill movie was not all that great of a Video game adaptation. The Video game series was awsome but i didnt enjoy the movie. And in the event of you saying that the Resident Evil movies werent that great would please fans of the video games, I am a HUGE fan of the resident evil video games, yet the movies didnt even follow the story line of them. I think that if they had stuck with the actual story line that was Resident Evil the movies would have turned out alot better and that they would have avoided dissapointing alot of people. However i still dont see how they can make a decent Sims movie, and idk about a Monopoly movie either.
Also…to much Sex in the city talk…*shoots himself*
March 6th, 2008 at 9:11 am
And yea i liked the 3 amigos.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:16 am
What kind of douchebag half-wit has anything negative to say about The Three Amigos?
cracked.com = zero credibility, proven.
my first, and most definitely last, time on the site.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I so completely hope that’s a joke.
Good thing I didn’t get all negative about Inner Space or Captain Ron. There’d be a revolution.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:29 am
The Monopoly movie is 4 hours long, and most people will turn it off halfway through because by then you can tell exactly how it will end.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:32 am
If any of your girlfriends are MAKING you watch Sex and the City, here’s some of the best advice you’ll ever hear, free, and right here on Cracked.com: Do not ever, ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances, for any reason, for any amount of money, marry that girl. If they watch it, fine. If they think you should, they are committed to your misery in the way that some people are committed to, say, their faith in God, or Star Wars: Episode III debates.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Buh-bye, Orion. I like it better here already.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Agree,many people also said this on tall dating site~~~~~~Tallmingle.com~~~~~~,seems it is a big news.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Scut, I’m swedish and here it was on our basic thingy, whatever you call it, so no I didn’t pay for it. And yes, the neutered reruns SUCK! Taking all the sex out of the city…
March 6th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Okay. I’ll admit it. I watched a half an episode of sex in the city by my own choosing. Scary I know, but when it got to the part about the chick getting her boyfriend to change his diet because he had “funky spunk.” That’s it. I’m done. That’s the kind of stuff is why I can’t watch it. This is why you are not allowed to force us to watch that show.
Man law 142: Men are allowed to break up with any woman guilt free if a grudge is held because we would not watch Sex in the City.
There is one movie based on a video game that I think was good, though it didn’t go to theaters. *Geek moment incoming* You have to take it with a grain of salt because it was purely a movie for the fans and you had to play the game first to understand the movie: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. The plot was fairly thin, but who cares? You get all the classics of a guy film: fight scenes with swords AND guns, motorcycle chase scenes, and explosions. The CGI was also some of the best so far to date as well. It was a great movie for any fans of the game.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:53 am
This list is completely fubar because of one reason. I dont mean to correct your crack team of cracked commandos, but there are no Uwe Boll movies on this list. If I may I shall provide you with some of Uwe Bolls fine movie adaptations to be. Thanks to his unrelenting supply of German money, Douche Boll will be the executive producer/director of many movies that were not even really good games.
For instance, how about a BloodRayne 2 and 3. How about Zombie Massacre which im just finding out is a Wii game but based on Uwe Bolls last zombie movie, the embarrassingly sucky House of the Dead, I assume this will be like the holocaust with the deaths of millions of people. Uwe Boll a completion of the Third Reich? I dont know, its kind of suspicious. I wont even get started on the fact that he made a dungeon seige movie. I bled from my ass for a week after finding out about that.
Heres the mans IMDB http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0093051/ Do yourself a favor and inform yourself on any movie he has written/produced/directed. It could mean you live another day. And if you can legitimately say in the past you have enjoyed a Uwe Boll film, you may be retarded. Think of this as like a public service announcement, you’ve been warned.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Transformers a turd? Sounds like this writer here is a super-nerd. It was great and everyone I know liked it. After all, you actually see Jazz getting RIPPED in half! If anything, it saved the first gen transformers from their ultimate cheesy-ness.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I will preemptively give the Dragonball Z movie OVER 9000 stars.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Awesome article, except for one thing that ruined it for me and quite frankly pissed me off, The Three Amigos wasn’t a good movie? Are you kidding me? It’s a classic….the singing bush? El Whoppo? Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day and Ned Nederlander?
March 6th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Great article, except you lost me at Three Amigos. That movie was incredible! Also, I would like to add to the list: I’ve heard they’re making a life action Paddington Bear. My childhood will be crushed under a movie conglomerate.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:25 am
“So ive got this great idea. Lets make a dating site, for tall people” FUCKING WHAT?! Im 6′6″ but that just sounds stupid. Do they have midget dating sites? Pardon my political incorrectness.
Oh yeah, rabble rabble THREE AMIGOS rabble rabble!
March 6th, 2008 at 10:41 am
8 Upcoming Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped…
This story has been submitted to Stirrdup. Your support can help it become hot….
March 6th, 2008 at 10:41 am
If it would make you all feel better, I don’t hate 3 Amigos, but don’t you agree it is far inferior to:
The Jerk
All of Me
Roxanne
Fletch
Vacatiton
Caddy Shack
and old Martin Short Ed Grimley skits.
It just didn’t live up to the promise of being 3x the fun and wasn’t as good as any of the best films from the stars individually. And I believe it’s Guapo not Whoppo.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:51 am
There wont even be a Krillin in the DB movie. His lack of nose has made the animators hate themselves so they threw in some shit character named Tito. Oh, and Goku is going to highschool and will have god damn bully problems and will need Chichi to tutor him in math. It’s so assbackwards that I’m going to have to go with a flask with enough high proof liquor that it will erase the pain as it happens. Good bye bittersweet childhood.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Jim Carey is so wrong for Horton. Having seen clips of it on one for the “entertainment” shows, I get the feeling the Horton ingested an upper the size of a Buick.
Horton is a slow bumbling type. Ray Ramano would have been a better choice.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:07 am
@Creative Process,
here is a link you might find amusing regarding Uwe Boll:
http://www.1up.com/do/feature?pager.offset=0&cId=3154304
Also, I love that Ross Wolinsky had the balls to call Transformers what it really is.
Even though it wasn’t the WORST movie ever, and actually had a FEW redeeming things about it, the fact that it unabashedly abandoned all of the awesomeness from the classic cartoon is unforgivable.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:25 am
I always thought I’d imagined ReBoot for some reason…..Nice to know it wasn’t a figment of my imagination.
I do like that they explained everyone dying by some sort of ’system malfunction.’
Did the main guy ever come back?
March 6th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Sorry to all those guys out there, but I’ll be seeing the Sex and the City movie. However, there are differences between me and some bitches out there. For one, I’d never force anyone to go that didn’t want to go. And two, I’m not going to say its the best thing ever and will be fabulous. It’s targeted to the fans, and that will be who will see the movie. It is what it is.
But the rest of the list…yech!!! And how, How, HOW are they going to make a Sims movie?!? Don’t get me wrong, love the game. But a movie is perposterous!!!
By the by, heard that Halo will be made into a movie. Sorry Jr.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:48 am
All of these women who are getting pissed at critiques of Sex and the City are hilarious. You really think it was a good show? It wasn’t, and a full-length movie just piles on the trash heap of independent-woman-in-the-city stereotypes that make intelligent people disgusted, and make intelligent women embarrassed. There was no witty discourse, no clever writing. Just the same garbage over and over again, as if we are suppose to tear up for a woman who breaks a heel on the street. It deserves #1 spot here. Such whiny women here.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:53 am
You guys have watched a lot of bad movies. Why keep coming back for more?
March 6th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Of course all you idiotic men wouldn’t like the Sex and the City Movie and why would you, you’re men. But do we go off about how stupid some of your movies are? No most of the time we suck it up and go with you. I mean lighten up it just for fun. Who says this is how women really are. Grow Up!!!
March 6th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Hey, I’m the screenwriter of the Sims movie. Just wondering what the CRACKED parody of the movie will be titled? I’m thinking THE DIMS.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
—There seems to be a lot of optimism floating around for Bay’s adaptation of Transformers. If mindless action and Megan Fox makes a movie good, we are facing a much larger problem. Yes there was a overall message the movie promoted, and I will get to that. Granted, action in a movie is not in itself a bad thing. However, for me at least, something meaningful has to accompany the action to make the movie worthwhile. At the moment, I am not sure what that “thing” is; I don’t know if it is an intriguing plot,a crazy twist, a psychological subtext, or a philosophical basis that makes me enjoy an action scene or an action movie. I am currently actually having trouble figuring out if I like movies or not. In wonder, do I criticize movies to figure out if I like them or to figure out why I like or dislike them. I think you will agree that the latter is preferable.
—Frankly, I think Transformers lacked the mentioned component, whatever it may be. Maybe you disagree, and I would love to hear why. For me, The plot was basically your typical Michael Bay apocalyptic, world being threatened, movie. The “Transformers” plot, the plot that actually made this movie an adaptation at all, was more of a subplot. Now, I certainly understand the need for this movie to be acceptable for a larger audience, but sometimes the things being sacrificed in the process are too important. Maybe you think this movie is not a case where that is true; again, please speak up. Maybe I am simply being too pessimistic. My friends always tell me such.
—Lastly, the lesson at the end was clearly a tack-on, and not nearly as thoughtful as the original. When I say original I mean the concept of projecting human sentiments and issues onto a non-human environment. In my opinion, that is what made the original great, and it is that same idea that made Maus so emotionally intriguing. Please don’t flame me for being overly wordy, academic, or annoying. I really can’t help it. Still, please respond.
Cheers,
Hal
March 6th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Actually, “Goldeneye” was written by John Edmund Gardener (who also gave us “License to Kill” and several other Bond books that have yet to be filmed).
FYI, they are filming “Final Destination 4″ (yes, FOUR) in New Orleans right this very minute.
And, dammit, leave “Meet the Spartans” alone! I worked on that piece of, er, film! Well, I had bills to pay….
March 6th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
JD, the fact that you choose to remain ignorant of the world beyond your own attention span aside, the basis of Monopoly for “yanks” (I still love that ridiculous colloquialism, it paints a picture in my mind of Americans just sitting around all day and masturbating . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind) is in Atlantic City, New Jersey.
That’ll be five bucks for the geography lesson.
Love,
Mom
March 6th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Ray Romano couldn’t be Horton, he was already the elephant from Ice Age
March 6th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Kovacs, I really don’t see what Transformers was missing. It had everything. The story was decent, it had subplots to expand on the main characters, a relationship subplot, humor, and even the cameo (Bernie Mac) which led to the obligatory old person giving the finger. There were some “campy” areas like the transformers clomping around the yard and trashing it, but you know there were those moments in the movie when you know you were like “oh shit, that’s awesome”:
1.) The army guy’s fight against Scorinox.
2.) The chase scene right after Baricade is asking about Sam’s eBay page.
3.) When Bumblebee turns from the old camero to the new one.
4.) (My personal favorite) When Prime pulls out the sword and decapitates Bonecrusher.
I’m not saying it’s the greatest film ever or anything, but all that, the best CGI to be seen yet, AND Megan Fox. That’s a winning combination.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I watched it two nights ago for the first time, and maybe I just wasn’t in a receptive mood or something, but the action sequences BORED me to TEARS. And the scene where they hide in the yard went on about fiftee minutes too long and hung around the rest of the movie like an anchor. The love story was unbelievable to the point of absurdity, the dialogue sequences were interminable and poorly written….gah. Anyways, not that I have a monopoly on good taste or anything, just shocked to see people sticking up for it. But the arguments given are all subjective, so I don’t expect to sway anyone. Just throwing my garbage onto the garbage heap.
Oh and Mr. Lynch, I wouldn’t be so quick to go and mock Cracked for cheaply re-marketing popular material. The first three strips of your Angry Naked World comic are lifted directly, down to specific details, from Achewood, and the next three are based on bi-polar bear, a character invented by Eric Idle of Monty Python many years ago. I stopped reading at that point, but I imagine Garfield turns out to hate Mondays.
I KEEED, I KEEEEED!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Speed racer is going to be sweet, can’t wait!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I know Monopoly sounds like a terrible movie, but I’ve always wondered if they’d make Battleship: The Movie.
Doesn’t that sound great? Two hours of Naval combat. A-list actors for the admirals of each fleet or the slightly unhinged Destroyer captains. Fog of war, explosions!
You sank my battleship!
Someone call Milton Bradley
March 6th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
SilentSyren: What the hell are you trying to do? Injecting common sense and reasoning into a Cracked discussion… pfft. What a jerk.
The reactions I got from friends (both of them) after watching Transformers, was surprising. I mentioned that the plot was threadbare, and the characters were largely one-dimensional. I mentioned I thought it was okay, but hardly spectacular. The looks on their faces: You’d think I “asked them to lick shit off a statue of Hitler.” I just don’t enjoy movies that are entirely built around action scenes and special effects (Exhibit 105: Crank).
My wife watches Sex and the City. I don’t Problem solved. If you don’t want to watch, don’t.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
A SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE?!?!?! CUNTING MOTHER OF FUCK!!!!!!
Although I gotta say the Dragon Ball movie doesn’t sound too bad if Chow Yun-Fat. I mean, he is Tequila…right?
March 6th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Let’s not forget the classic Shaw Brothers film, The Five Deadly Venoms. It is getting the Hollywood treatment!
March 6th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Hannah Montana wrote The Three Amigos.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
There is a Warcraft movie in the works with a $100 million dollar budget. I’m hoping it disproves the video game-movie suck theory.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Sex and the City is utterly stupid. I can’t believe their making a movie of it. Ew.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Add me to the list of women who would rather drink Drano than watch Sex and the City. My GOD. Give me a movie with action, and explosions, and female characters who aren’t total caricatures (meaning that they do something other than whine and have PMS and fuck everything hot within a 10-mile radius).
March 6th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
“Swaim: More like Chairman of the BORED? Am I right?! Carrot Top sucks, right?! Brilliant..”
That joke was completely ripped off by Norm Macdonald during a Conan O’brien show when he was on with the actress from that movies.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Glad to hear I wasn’t the only one who thought Transformers was weak (although I’m clearly still in the minority). The one factor that Kovacs didn’t seem to mention was characterization… those wacky robots had some endearing qualities, but there wasn’t a single, likeable human character in the whole thing. I usually consider a movie a spectacular failure any time I spend most of it wishing the main character would just die (and he doesn’t).
March 6th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Andrew, you ripped off your comment from James!
Swaim, you should probably just kill yourself at this point.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Robot Chicken predicted that the next wave of Hollywood adaptations would be board games… scary! Hungry Hungry Hippos and Chutes N Ladders can’t be far behind.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I totallly played biblopoly once with my friend in 6th grade. I vividly remember being swallowed by a giant fish and losing three turns. I think Nazareth and Bethlehem Were the park place and boardwalk. So inspirational
March 6th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
How could you talk about video game movie adaptations and not mention the essential “Krull”?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
To ass_master3000, I thank you. This quote alone “Uwe Boll makes terrible movies. Anyone who tells you otherwise is Uwe Boll.” has made the next 15 years of my life. If everyday of those 15 years I was kicked in the nuts by every stranger I saw. Aside from having zero resemblance of testicles after day one. I would still be laughing through the tears.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Completley off topic here, thought id try to start some more interesting conversation thats something other than Sex in the city….What do you people think of Skinning penguins and making them into Tuxedos…Ive had some friends tell me its a good idea and one that thinks its a bad one, but im looking for comments, mostly because im bored.
I mean all penguins do is walk around in circles consuming fish that we could be eating and screwing eachother to make more penguins. I mean who wouldnt want a Penguin tuxedo…Just to say that have a tuxedo made of penguin…we could use the rest of the corpse too, like sell the penguin meat to mc donalds to make into a new burger of some sort, sell the sulls as ash trays and Beaks & Feet as key chains. It wouldnt only just create a New food source but it would also be somewhat replenishing our diminishing fish supply.
And if you dont want to comment at least say that its a more possible idea than Cyber penguins….Just need to prove a point.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Worst list ever. I know there are some other remakes they are talking about. This just looks like advertising for the ones coming. Most are already in post production. How about stopping the ones before they start. Ounce of prevention and all of that..
March 6th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
the video game movies are true except one i saw that didnt make it to the silver screen (at least i dont think it did) and was particularly well done, it was the tekkan tournament movie, its on a nice “white” vcr tape ive had for almost a decade and still watch to this day, …however i hate the tekkan games…..
March 6th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Neither guy mentioned the horror of seeing Kim Cattrall’s bare 60 year-old breasts 47 times in the Sex and the City movie. My god, woman, put on some damn clothes!
March 6th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Every single video game adaption I’ve seen has been absolutely AWFUL. My only exception from that statement is “Silent Hill.”
The director even wanted to incorporate the same camera angles (and they wrote Pyramid Head into the story *drool*). It seems he was the only director of a video game adaption to ACTUALLY PLAY the damn thing first. The story was tweaked admittedly but it worked fantastically.
That being said, let us all go punch Paul W.S. Anderson right in the crotch for his continuing track record of DESTROYING every video game adaption. (Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, Dead or Alive and Alien Vs. Predator……with the upcoming future BOMBS Castlevania and Spy Hunter.)
Seeing so many terrible Hollywood remakes I still have somehow kept my childhood memories from being destroyed. Watching Castlevania being torn apart at every seam will be that final nail in the coffin for me.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Gladstone: Ironic, since I actually lifted the joke from Craig Kilborn. He said it to Carrot Top during one of his appearances. Killing self now.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Having never read ACHEWOOD, I’m not quite sure what you mean. Could you link the strips I supposedly ripped off?
On the subject of ripping things off, quick question, who made the executive decision to stop ripping off Mad Magazine and start ripping off the Onion? And does that person get paid in parodies of money?
March 6th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
man a sims movie? thats just fucking pathetic. a sim city movie would make more sense, they could at least i dunno blow up a nuclear plant and have burning ppl running everywhere?
or any other disaster? seriously wtf would the sims movie be? two teen boys with one as a boy in game and the other as a girl, then they get in the hottub and make out! SWEEEEEEEET
March 6th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Erin the Bitch and Smart Blonde need to get back in the kitchen and make me a fucking sandwich.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Brian: Having never read Achewood, you have no business making webcomics. But, since you asked: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232003
The guy that made Cracked an Onion clone (or more accurately and Onion and Maxim splice) gets paid entirely in back issues of Mad Magazine to complete the incestuous ring of self-indulgence. And come on, are you seriously ragging on us for writing about popular culture and video games? YOU ARE WRITING THE SIMS MOVIE.
Good luck with it, BTW, and sincere congratulations on getting the gig. I know it stings to catch Internet flak from people who know nothing about you and how hard I’ll go ahead and assume you work. I hope the movie (and all movies) come out awesome and everyone is a success.
In the meantime, it’s my solemn duty as a comedy blogger to mercilessly mock those things and then recant when and if they come out not looking like crap.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
The Watchmen film is coming out and you are its target audience. Movie studios are banking on the fact that fans will shell out cash for a name they recognize, and that they won’t have to spare the product one modicum of dignity in order to snare your money. It’s time to send them a message that some comics simply don’t deserve the monumental disrespect that they will invariably be given on the big screen, The Watchmen being at the top of that list.
Send the most important message that a consumer and a comic fan can and boycott the Watchmen movie!
Long story:
There is a certain phenomenon that occurs in the American mind. Whenever a particularly salient form of entertainment rises to the top of its respective medium, a common phrase is always bandied about. “Boy, this is an engaging book. This television show is exciting. This video game has me enrapt. It sure would make a great movie!” When Jackson Pollack was destroying and rebuilding notions of art with the swing of his arm, he was hoping that his action paintings would translate into a pretty good action film. When Ray Charles was proving himself as quite ironically one of the most visionary musicians to ever live, he was sure to pepper his life with some hardships so it would make for a sellable screenplay. When the Biblical authors were presenting the story of Jesus, they tailored the character in the hopes that Willem Dafoe could be signed onto the project. It’s as if people are convinced that the end-all be-all form of artistic expression is film.
The reason for all of this is simple: the movie industry rakes in tens of billions of dollars a year. The profits of the Harry Potter novels, the most popular book series in several decades, still lag behind the profits of their movie counterparts. It took the Spider-Man of print forty years to make the same amount of money that the Spider-Man of film made in three days. A great idea might make you rich, but a mediocre movie of the same idea will make you richer, and boy do movie producers know that. In order to keep it that way, they spend exorbitant amounts of money on advertisements of all sorts to convince the consuming public that a movie is the final step, the last plateau to be reached by the creator and their property. After all is said and done, it amounts to a win-lose-lose situation. The movie industry wins an amount greater than the GDP of most countries by getting your warm body into a dark room. The creator very seldomly receives but a fraction of that money, all to the tune of seeing their brainchild be perverted into a dumbed-down explosion-fest. And you, the viewer, lose by being coerced into seeing a cherished icon be ground and packed into the movie format like meat into sausage casing.
For fans of sequential art, discussions about good comic book movies invariably become exercises in the process of elimination. The best comic book movie is the best because it wasn’t as bad as the rest. But, when all is said and done, it’s not like the distinction between good and evil here, yin and yang. The Punisher was featured in a few bad movies, but he was featured in a few bad comic books as well. Stupid, stilted dialogue said on film can probably be matched to stupid, stilted dialogue said on paper. The Ant Man movie is coming out soon. The corollary to that is: “who cares about Ant Man, honestly? They’re all just dumb, fun books and I’ll go to see a dumb, fun movie.” But what happens when the next comic book on the chopping block is the absolute farthest from dumb that you can get?
The Watchmen is viewed by most as the greatest comic book series ever. The criticisms of it only amount to its complexity, its forcing of comic books to “grow up,” and its boundary-breaking nature. To sum up, “it’s too good.” Now, I don’t want to get overly dramatic here, but this is the last frontier in comics. The Watchmen is, in all reality, the comic-to-movie Rubicon. Once this property is stomped all over and you’re left leaving the theater with a bad taste in your mouth and a sufficiently perforated soul, the quality of the next comic book movie won’t matter. After that no other comic will be sacred, no comic spared. “You hear they are going to make The Sandman movie with Jim Carrey as Morpheus?” “Yeah, and I wanted to get angry and write letters and stuff, but that Watchmen movie kinda knocked the wind out of me.”
You might be thinking to yourself that The Watchmen movie, while not being good for the diehard, will be a beacon for the non-fan. Once Maynard G. Muskievote wanders in looking for a weekend turn-off-your-brain popcorn-seller and is subsequently blown away by what comics can be, he’ll become a comic devotee in an instant, right? If anything, watching Daredevil and Fantastic Four makes me want to AVOID those comics. Just ask yourself what you would rather be saying to someone who might be a comic convert: “Yeah, I know the movie was dumb, but put that out of your mind and read the book. It won’t be as disappointing as watching the movie,” or simply “Read this book. It’s great.”
It might be too late to stop the movie from being released, but it’s not too late to send the message that there are a few things that the movie industry is simply not allowed to stick its meat hooks into. Preserve comics for comics’ sake and tell everyone you know to boycott The Watchmen movie.
“In a way, I’m glad because it wouldn’t have been up to the book.” –Dave Gibbons, artist of The Watchmen, upon the movie’s 2002 non-release
“I met Terry Gilliam, and he asked me, ‘How would you make a film of Watchmen?’ And I said, ‘Don’t.’” –Alan Moore, writer of The Watchmen
(Some of you might be concerned that I am begging the question of the concept of a Watchmen movie being inexorable from the concept of a BAD Watchmen movie. In a way, that doesn’t matter simply because Watchmen is made to be a comic. Alan Moore says “I didn’t design it to show off the similarities between cinema and comics, which are there, but in my opinion are fairly unremarkable. It was designed to show off the things that comics could do that cinema and literature couldn’t.” Anyone who claims they enjoy comics should understand that the instant the movie makes more money than the book is sending the message that “movies are always and without question better than the best comics, and I would rather see a movie than read a comic book any day of the week.” But still, there are those among you that feel it could still be the greatest comic movie ever and you are sacrificing your own enjoyment. For those I will add a loophole: if, after its release, Alan Moore endorses it as a quality film and a faithful adaptation that is ded