I HAVE No Change Jar!
My finacee and I have a big glass jar where we save our change, and every couple of months when the jar is full, we jaunt down to the local Coinstar and marvel at our newfound twelve dollar fortune. It’s not exactly free money, but it feels like free money, and the frozen yogurt we invariable purchase with it tastes all the sweeter.
Well, you can call me petty, but finding out that someone just exchanged their collection of 301 pennies for 10.7 million dollars has officially ruined that ritual for me. I loathe my change jar now.
I grimace at it whenever I walk in as if to say “oh, it’s you.” I resent its laziness and wonder aloud to people whether it’s even worth the trip to cash in. “What can you buy with twelve dollars in today’s economy anyway?” I ask pointedly, glancing down at the jar. Sometimes when I’m drunk I scream at it to “get a job” and knock it to the ground, scattering near-worthless nickels everywhere.
Admittedly, the guy’s penny collection included one that was only minted for two weeks in 1793 because Congress thought Lady Liberty looked frightened, but does that really warrant the exchange of millions of dollars? What service has been rendered here?
The only thing that makes it okay is that the guy was the owner of an aerospace-part manufacturing company. I don’t know exactly what that means, except that it means he was probably already rich, so the ten mil will be just as worthless to him as my shiftless, scheming change jar is to me.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be scrupulously examining my change trying to find a picture of George Washington looking pensive.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes economically unviable videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
February 21st, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Swaim…. you’re engaged?!?!?!?
My dreams have been crushed.
February 21st, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Anal sex for 300 comments on the Arrested Development post and being engaged are not the same thing Michael.
February 21st, 2008 at 5:39 pm
There’s been some coins that were minted with “In Gold We Trust” instead of “In God We Trust” and recently there were some that didn’t have either phrase on them.
Find one of those and sell it. You’ll make a sweet fortune.
February 21st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Unless I’m entirely mistaken TIM, there may have been some other complications anyway.
February 21st, 2008 at 5:44 pm
My dad and I have a similar system, we keep all our loose change in a box. It ends up around £200 ($400) when cash in time comes around though.
Simply because we cash it in when the fiscal year ends.
February 21st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
My Dad did the same thing and would cash his in around Christmas time and would get about the same amount, I on the otherhand smoke.
February 21st, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Apparently having Lady Liberty looking like a constipated lesbian wasn’t a problem.
February 21st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Too bad pounds aren’t a real currency, Admiral Ross, or you’d be rolling in it.
February 21st, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I looked up the value of a penny a crackhead aquaintence of mine found a couple of weeks ago and it was $60,000 (one of only 40 cast). He told me what it was and said someone had given him 50 bucks for it; wanted to know if he’d gotten ripped off. I find that exceptionally annoying, especially since he didn’t even really seem to care. What is it about crackheads; do they have some sort of psychological disorder or something?
February 21st, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Yes. It’s called Crack.
Also, that is an awesome story.
February 21st, 2008 at 10:22 pm
It’s actually a little sad becuase you can guess he probably went and used it to buy a pennys worth of crack.
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:33 am
WOW…
seems it is not a new news ,many friends public this news on a tall dating site~~~~Tallmingle.com~~~~which has many other good projects but dating
But a good news.lol…
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:55 am
i miss how the mommymeet guy would always kind of work his spam to fit the content of the blog. These new spammers dont seem to even care. What is this world coming to when even a spammer doesn’t take pride in their work?
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:18 am
It always sucks when rich people get extra wads of cash like this. There was a millionaire in my hometown who won the lottery. Why are you playing the lottery if you’re a millionaire? Spite, that’s why.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:26 am
Ahh Michael, you’ve cracked our secret. Pounds aren’t our real currency, it’s what we use to fool you colonials.
We deal in nutflucks. 20 nutflucks to the cockstopper, and 20 cockstoppers to the gigglemonk.
I myself am a gigglemonkionaire.
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I like to save up my nutflucks until I have enough to change them for a one junkhumper note. You can’t buy much with it, but I like the pictures of the monkeys and custard trifles.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
If you save up a hundred cockstoppers you get a monkeychucker note.
It has a picture of John Cleese dancing to the Spice Girls in his underpants.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Jesus I want to go to England now.
February 23rd, 2008 at 2:41 am
God Save the Queen and her superior system of currency. I’m going to learn to engrave just to make monkeychucker counterfeiting plates.
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:25 am
Monkeychucker? I’m detecting some anti-simitism.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
anti-simitism Gawd, hahahahahahaha!!!!!
February 26th, 2008 at 2:31 am
Mike, this was hilarious. Nice job.
…
You should make all your blog posts funny.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
February 27th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I think true might be upset about something.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Auto Loan…
Auto loan could possibly be important applicable result to encounter a complete bad credit auto loans advocate on the internet….
March 30th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
“Distribution of Wealth”? You mean someone lets the rest of you have some as well? Dammit! Who’s responsible for this? Someone drag my treasury minister out of bed RIGHT NOW! I want an explanation for this.