Evil Altar Trailer (Nigerian Movie)
I think I understand how Nigerian email scams work: If you send out enough emails promising enormous fortunes to anyone with an American bank account, eventually someone is going to fall for it, you’re going to make a little profit, and this in turn will allow you to invest even more money into annoying the living shit out of every single person who uses the internet. Seems simple enough, right?
Enter the the Nigerian film industry, which, thanks in part to cheap video technology, has grown in recent years to become the third largest in the world behind the USA and India, and is known primarily for putting out a prodigious amount of horrible, low-budget films. I’ll admit that a lot of these movies don’t look so hot, but Evil Altar might be a mind-blowingly amazing exception to the rule. (Not to mention King Of My Village and Baby Police 2.) Although a lot of the words in this trailer sound like gibberish to me, I did manage to take this much away:
“Every fourteen years, this shrine must receive human head. If not, the oracle go vex and men and women gon’ die mysteriously.”
That’s great and everything, but I don’t see what’s so “mysterious” about the men and women dying. I haven’t even seen this movie yet, but it’s still pretty obvious that they’re dying because the shrine hasn’t received human head. Oh - and the oracle has gone vex. It’s not exactly rocket science.
This movie looks totally sweet, but most of the others really do look like complete & utter garbage. Can somebody please explain to me how Nigeria has built a multi-billion dollar film industry with this crap? There can’t possibly be that many people buying these movies, right? It just doesn’t make sense!
Oh well - it’s probably best not to ponder these unanswerable questions. As for me, I’m out - I’m gonna go order my copy of Evil Altar at izognmovies.com! They make ordering a breeze - all you need to do is fill in your name, address, social security number and all of your personal financial information.
This is gonna be awesome!
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July 9th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
obviously you stick your penis in it.
February 23rd, 2008 at 2:48 am
Nice site and fine content
February 18th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Hey, don’t knock him. I think he’s the voiceover guy they use for the Crazy Discount Larry Electronics Superstore commercials who shouts at you for 30 seconds.
February 17th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I was expecting the narrator to say “I dun know whut this is talking about, I have ENOUGH WITH THIS FILM!!”
And then the sounds of a chair being turned over.
February 17th, 2008 at 3:12 am
Because…sequels is exactly the point. Huh?
February 16th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
there’s another good 419 thing here: http://www.juvenilecomedy.com/419.htm
February 16th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
That is the best trailer I’ve ever seen I just know that this trailer will be remixed into a rap and when it does I’ll die a happy man.
February 16th, 2008 at 12:50 am
I would like to point out that like our own Hollywood, Nollywood is apparently obsessed with sequels.
February 16th, 2008 at 12:14 am
i swear it took me a good 30 seconds to realize the narrator was speaking english… sort of.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
“Wit dem want to sleep with pregnant woman”
That line alone makes me want to see the film.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Dammit, Swaim’s right. They do say someone’s goin’ vex in Baby Police 2. I’m going to suffer from catchphrase overload at this rate, between expensive hats, goin’ vex and whatnot.
Still, I’m going to try and find out what other movies Larry Koldsweat’s been in. I’m a fan just because of his name.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
THOSE VERY BITS were part of the 3 hours I surrendered to the site! I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. Well, maybe one or two other times I’ve laughed like that, but watching those 2 buffoons attempt to do British slapstick was one of the highlights of my internet-surfing year.
February 15th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Two of the most brilliant things I’ve ever seen on the internet came from 419Eater.com - the first being this awesome flip-the-script that somehow convinced a Nigerian scammer into carving a Commodore 64 out of wood, and the second being this video of Nigerians acting out Monty Python’s “Dead Parrot” sketch in an attempt to get scholarship money for the performing arts. Fucking brilliant.
February 15th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I once lost 3 hours of my life to a page called 419Eater.com. There’s nothing quite so sweet as turning a scam around on the scammer… that said, I have to imagine that the Nigerian film industry is pulling another fast one on America with their products. They know we’re suckers for garbage. How else can you explain the success of people like Brittany Spears and Kevin fucking Federline in this country. Truly, they know how to take advantage of dumb Americans.
February 15th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
According to IMDB, Pete Edochie has been in 107 films to date, but for some reason Evil Altar isn’t one of them. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1314200/
Clint Eastwood, on the other hand, only has 65 acting roles credited to his name. He might be Dirty Harry, but he’s no Pete Edochie.
February 15th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Wait. You can put PICTURES in the COMMENTS?
February 15th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
These are actually two different facial expressions, I guess, but you have to admit that they both kinda kick ass.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
The picture on the left is from King Of My Village. The one on the right is from Evil Altar:
This guy must be like the Clint Eastwood of Nigeria and that’s his one facial expression.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Uh-oh, Miguel Swaimo’s goin’ vex.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I swear to Baal the Baby Police 2 trailer also had something “goin’ vex” in the narration. Someone back me up on this.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
If we learn nothing from Nigerians (apart from what it looks like to run very fast marathons), we need to replace our deep voice movie trailer guy with a yelling crazy Kenyan occasionally accompanied with lightning bolts. I would see any movie endorsed by the yelling crazy Kenyan occasionally accompanied with lightning bolts.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
It’s a bold directorial choice to use multicolored Comic Sans for your title. Kudos.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
There was an actor name Larry Koldsweat in Evil Altar, unless I am very much mistaken. The cake was taken by the title logo for Evil Altar, along with the cheap thundercrash sound effect. It’s sad that there’s apparently a multi-billion dollar industry out there making movies as watchable than anything I could put together, and I’m not getting my cut.
I think I’m going to move to Nollywood and become a big-time (or at least medium-time) movie tycoon. Or a movie mogul. Which is bigger?
(I remember when my ex-wife went vex, my bank account died mysteriously.)
February 15th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Thanks for the link. I’m ordering my copy of “Church Prostitute” right now!