You Can’t Burn A Mormon’s Genitals: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
60 Minutes - Magic Mormon Underpants
60 Minutes is generally regarded as one of the most successful shows in the history of television. Reporting on major world events since the heady days of Vietnam and Watergate, the show has won numerous awards for groundbreaking journalism over the years. In 1983, they even managed to free a Texan named Lenell Geter who was wrongly convicted of armed robbery. It’s more than a television show; it’s an American institution.
YAAAAAWN! BORRRRR-ING!
Thank God they left that all behind at some point and decided to focus on something that matters: dumbing down their program in the pursuit of ratings. From the perspective of a Cracked blogger, this was a real blessing. You know what’s not really all that hilarious? The Vietnam War, Watergate and wrongful incarceration1. You know what IS hilarious? The phrase “sacred undergarments.” Say what you will about credibility, dignity and journalistic integrity, but can any of those things really hold a candle to hearing a grown man say “sacred undergarments” repeatedly in a would-be serious tone?
Ordinarily this is the part where I’d go off about how Mormons are stupid and sacred undergarments are ridiculous, but as someone who gets into horrific boating accidents on a nearly constant basis, I’d really like to get my hands on a pair of those suckers. I can think of worse things than getting the occasional compliment in the locker room, too. I honestly can’t remember the last time someone turned to me and said, “Hey, Ross - neat undergarments!” That makes me sad.
Maybe those Mormons are on to something. They sure seem to smile a lot, don’t they?
1 Despite being on the air for 40 years, for the sake of this blog post those are the only three things that 60 Minutes has ever reported on.
February 14th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Here’s a question: Do you have to be Mormon for the sacred undergarments to work?
February 14th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Mormons are weird…I went a predominately Mormon high school, and I remember that they got to take an hour of class and walk off campus to attend “seminary”. I decided that I wanted an hour off in the middle of the day for my religious beliefs, but the school said no. I wondered how could a public high school allow kids to do that (seperation of church and state), until I saw that on their school schedule, it said something to the effect of “Free period” However, I really don’t remember overtly visible “undergarments” worn by any guys though…
February 14th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Yes, or so I’ve been told.
The first girl I ever slept with was Mormon so I can personally attest to the fact that they actually wear the magic underwear.
I thought, for a while, that all women had this special underwear on underneath, maybe it was something I missed in health class, I thought. Fuck I didn’t know.
I went on to serve with Mormons in the Army and they swear it protects them from all harm. The magic underwear kind of looks like fucked up cutoff thin long johns.
February 14th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I went to high school in boise and joseph smith! those mormons were everywhere. I like to spread rumors about them, like they own coke and pepsi even though they’re not supposed to “use” caffeine, and that they use the blood of non mormon babies for their secret temple rituals
February 14th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Too bad JFK wasn’t a mormon.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
mormans are silly. and 60 minutes blows.
if you want to hear something funny on valentines day go to bluecollardreams.com and download ‘a song for my valentine’. play it for a lady and you will get laid. and feel free to check out the articles too. what else you have to do?
February 14th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I’ve come to the conclusion that anythin that needs to be plugged on a cracked.com blog isnt worth seeing. So, in conclusion, Andrew, anything else other than going to bluecollardreams.com would be a good bet:
-Doing work
-Getting drunk
-Trying to eat through my own ankle
-Watching grass grow
-Watching paint dry
-Sharpening my toe nail clippers
-Looking directly into the sun
-Cutting my wrists (remember across the forest, not up the river)
-Hanging myself with piano wire
-Committing sepukku
-Growing a garden of beautiful roses
-Watching instructional love-making videos
-Write a song to put on bluecollardreams.com without knowing if I can even post it there
-Program my old VCR so it doesn’t blink 12:00 all the time
-Personally digitally remaster, frame by frame Gone with the Wind
-Try to watch every video ever posted on YouTube
-Count to one million in a language I don’t know
-Learn the Russian alphabet
-Try to cut my wrists without passing out this time (it’s up the river, NOT across the woods.)
-Solve string theory
-Imagine the 12th-demension
-Plan to commit a murder that will change the course of human history
-Commit that murder
-Commit that murder AND get away with it
-Turn myself in so I get credit in the history books
-Escape from prison BEFORE getting ass raped
-Pay my cell phone bill
-Feed a homeless person
-Start a protest to… do something…
-Build my own hang glider
-Test it with someone’s pet dog
-Test it on a small child
-Modify it, test again, fly successfully
-Go to the hospital
-Wait for legs to heal
-Modify it, test again, repeat as necissary
-Reread all of cracked.com’s articles
-Memorize all of cracked.com’s videos so that I can replay them in my head at will
-Do the previous before testing the hang glider myself so I can be entertained in the hospital
-Make an incredibly long list of things that would be better worth my time then going to bluecollardreams.com
-Apply for government jobs I am in no way qualified for.
-Find a cure for the common cold, AIDS, and cancer
-Get hit in the head and forget the cures I just figured out because the world is more interesting with death
-Find someone to waterboard me so I can see just how tough I really am.
-Sit and wonder how many people have actually read this entire list
-Provide everyone with a much more entertaining link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU
-Sit and wonder how many people will actually click this link
-Think about how many more things I should list before I stop.
-Pick my nose
-Pick my friends
-Try to pick my friend’s nose
-Try to guess the next number to show up on my security token
-Watch the days number on my analog watch until it switches over to the next day.
-Make a post-it note flip book
-Write a novelization of the Incredible Mr. Limpet
-Produce a musical version of every cracked.com video
-Wonder how many people will call me “Douche” after posting this comment
-Build a shrine in Japan dedicated to cracked.com
-Insult Chuck Norris and live to tell about it (or finally commit suicide).
-Build a “lazer” and take over the world
-Create the next huge religion
-Become a #1 selection in an article on cracked.com
-Wonder if Andrew is a bot or if he seriously wants everyone to go to bluecollardreams.com and download a song
-Wonder if this long list of things will actually all get posted.
-Wonder again how many people will actually read all of these.
-Proofread first 3 lines of this list so as to disguise it under the delusion that it’s a serious post
-Wonder why I have spent so much time on this
-Wonder why I wonder so many things
-Remember the good times with my ex-girlfriends and try not to hate them so much
-Call a friend I haven’t talked with for years
-Be asked to write a list article to be put on cracked.com
-Get confirmation that I have “rick rolled” someone
-Put this list in MS Word to see how long it really is
-Finish this list
-Click the Submit Comment button
-Wait for responses.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Wow. I was just going to go with ‘hang myself’ but you’ve compiled a pretty thoroughly list there.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Ha! Making fun of other people’s religions is *so* funny!
February 14th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
You forgot to mention that people could also check out sugarmommymeet.com or that tailsmack site that other guy was hawking. I’m sure they’re awesome sites.
Why not visit http://www.stealmybankaccountinfo.ru?
February 14th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Sorry. I only did that cause I loved cracked, the articles, and the daily nooner and i thought maybe people would think the song was funny. i had already emailed my buddies about it and didn’t know how else to get it out there since i just started the whole blog thing. please accept my formal apology. your undeniable wit has made me feel stupid. you win.
February 14th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
“Ha! Making fun of other people’s religions is *so* funny”
No it isn’t. Insane cults on the other hand? hysterically funny
February 14th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Rick rolled, the list was highly entertaining.
February 14th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Are you implying that Mormon’s are an insane cult? Oh the joy of being ignorant.
February 14th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Hey Mustafa My cousins are Mormon and they go to seminary for one hour before school and I’d be smiling to if my genitalia was impenetrable or at the very least fire proof.
February 14th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I was successfully Rick Rolled, and the list was amazing.
February 14th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I’m wearing MY OWN personal ‘magic underpants’ right now.
Oh wait, I’m not…
February 14th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I knew that link would be a rick roll, but I clicked it anyway. what a song.
February 14th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
don’t let them discourage you ross, making fun or mormons is always apprieciated
February 14th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
of
February 14th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
How do you sharpen toenail clippers?
February 15th, 2008 at 2:10 am
How DON’T you sharpen toenail clippers?
February 15th, 2008 at 2:14 am
It’s not really making fun of Mormons, it’s making fun of special underwear. If that special underwear has religious connotations, well, in the words of Thomas Jefferson: “tough titties.”
February 15th, 2008 at 7:46 am
I think people like to make fun of Mormons because in these days of political correctness, it feels like it must be ok to make fun of people who seem really white, sucessful, and all-American.
Also, the holy underwear helps.
February 15th, 2008 at 8:17 am
*takes a bow* And, Andrew, it was nothing personal. I simply saw an opportunity and I ran with it. Usually I’m not that funny.
February 15th, 2008 at 8:47 am
I think people are just happy to have a religious sect they can make fun of without the targets of their jokes declaring jihad on them, or suing their pants into oblivion. (Both of these tactics are employed by Scientologists.)
February 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Read “Under The Banner of Heaven” by Jon Krakauer; an indepth look at the history of the Mormon religion–the good, the bad, and the what the fuck?! Great book.
By the by, had a hot Mormon guy friend in college. They wear normal underwear, then the “special underwear” that looks like white boxer briefs down to their knees with little fringe on the ends. He wore board shorts to his knees in the summertime so you couldn’t tell he wore them. I think when you leave Utah the “cultness” of the religion isn’t as strong…he was just eerily blonde, blue eyed and gung ho.
Oh, you’re also not allowed to witness a Mormon baptism or wedding ceremony or anything in their church if you’re not Mormon because they believe you’re not a “saved soul”. It’s basically a “behind closed doors” religion and that’s why it seems cultlike.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I still haven’t gotten an answer to my question though. Will the holy undergarments work even if I’m not Mormon?
February 15th, 2008 at 11:10 am
No, they won’t work because mormons believe crazy shit and a religion that isn’t real. They also believe that the native americans are a native tribe of israel. So go ahead and buy them, you might as well buy cotton underwear at wal-mart for a few dollars, or buy those pieces of shit for like a billion. Don’t give these wackjobs money.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Jeez… it’s a joke. Apparently, you came to the wrong website.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Mr. THE Guy: My understanding is that you can’t purchase the official “sacred undergarments” if you’re not Mormon, so it’s pretty much a non-issue.
My guess is that if you were to somehow acquire them and put them on, they’d actually burn your skin.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
lol, you guys are all SO funny!
yep, I am Mormon. Yes, I do wear the “sacred undergarments”, and I have for many years. Yes, you can only buy these garments if you are an upstanding member of the church (oh, and they cost less than regular underwear, by the way). My response to you is similar to one you’d receive from anybody whose religion you don’t understand: It won’t make sense to you if you don’t believe it. Period. And while I’d love for you to stop making fun of Mormons, the truth is - we really don’t care. If you read the history of the persecution of our religion and what used to happen, a few small jokes here and there at our expense wash right off our backs. That’s why we have a big smile on our face.
- Well, maybe there are other reasons…
February 15th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
You can go to a Mormon baptism, or anything that’s at a local church, whether you’re of the faith or not.
On the other hand, to go to a temple, certain standards of the faith are required.
And, as a blond haired, blued eyed, gung-ho member of the faith, I’ll say that the “cultness” of the religion is mostly the culture within the Church, especially within parts of Utah and Idaho.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
LOL did you know that Catholic’s believe that their little wafers and wine actually turn into human flesh and blood when they eat them for their communion? What a freaky weird religion!
See how easy it is to label and make fun of someone’s religion it is? Especially with actual knowledge or desire to comprehend what another man believes?
And actually the concept of sacred underwear isn’t something that the mormon’s came up with. Monks in the medieval used to wear a type of underwear made of burlap which was consecrated and designed to make them uncomfortable so they could better understand suffering.
So the LDS sacred undergarments are not a unique concept and at the very least their more comfortable than burlap.
As to this cult label that gets thrown around. Would someone like to define “Cultness”? People just use the term cult to try and make something more different and scary to others. In reality the majority of mormons are humans to that go to work, movies, clubs, dances, restaurants and pretty much do everything that “normal” people do. They simply believe a few things that others may not. So let’s all ridicule anybody that’s different from us! It’s hilarious!
February 15th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I would say as a converted Mormon, myself…there are some “peculiar” things about the church, at least at first. The temple garments are not really purported to be for physical protection, but rather spiritual protection as they are a reminder of certain covenants that a husband and wife make to one another in the temple. Any physical protection caused by them, would, in my mind be coincidental. Non-members of the church could come and go in any Mormon church for Sunday service, baptisms, weddings etc, but as stated before— temple attendance requires an interview to assure that that person is worthy.
I would also agree that knowing something of the history of the church…being made fun of is probably at the low-end of anything that has been done to followers of the faith over the years.
Caffeine “use” is not “forbidden”, but members are advised to put good things into their body so overuse of sugar, caffeine, fatty foods etc. would be discouraged. I drink soda all the time, as do a lot of mormons I know…just won’t find many drinking coffee or booze as those are worse for you and a shade more “addicting”
On the whole, I don’t think that the LDS religion is really that much different that most religions…members can be clique-ish in certain areas of Utah or Idaho where LDS populations are high, but certainly don’t behave any different than anyone else.
February 15th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
As a former member, I can definitely tell you there are some weird, off-putting things about the LDS church. As a life-long resident of Utah, I can tell you that most of you don’t have a clue about Mormons. D-bone’s comment is about the most accurate thing I’ve read about Mormons on the internet.
They’re weird, but not much weirder than any other religion.
February 15th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I have talked with a lot of people that have a poor opinion of the Church because of the exclusivity of temple marriages — non-member parents who can’t attend the ceremony etc. This is not because the ceremony is considered “top secret”, but because it’s a very sacred thing. People that don’t have an understanding of the symbolism and how important it is would only bring disruption to the event. It’s like getting married on a patch of grass by a freeway — the people driving by aren’t all going to cooperate and drive a little quieter, or honk a little less.
As I understand it, the LDS marriage is very genuine, dedicated, and even a bit romantic. There is no “until death do you part” in these marriages. They are often referred to as “Eternal Marriages”. The sacred undergarment is, as it was mentioned, a reminder of those covenants made.
February 15th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
As an athiest I JUST LOVE listening to people argue about whose religion is whackier.
No, really, don’t stop on account of me. Just pretend I didn’t say anything…
February 16th, 2008 at 12:02 am
ALL religions are cults, some are just more dangerous than others. And what a perfect scam — promise something everyone would want (like, say, life after death), and get as much dough as you can out of them for it, knowing they’ll never figure it out, because they don’t expect to get what you’ve promised until after they’re dead! And whenever they catch the scent of something that doesn’t make sense, tell them that the magical invisible guy wanted to test your “faith” by having it SEEM to not make sense. Oh, and just to be sure, have the believers indoctrinate their children before they develop critical thinking skills. It’s a gold-plated, 100% perfect scam, and people have been falling for it in droves since humans could speak. Magic underwear is no dumber than many religious tenets, but polygamy is misogynistic and illegal and stupid, so the Mormons need to banish it before anyone else will take them half seriously. Scientology is obviously the most cult-like religion around, but Christianity and Islam have killed a lot more people.
February 16th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Okay… If I converted to Mormon, then bought the undergarments, then quit the faith would they still protect me? Would I have to give them back? If I had to give them back, but I refused what would they do to me?
February 16th, 2008 at 1:19 am
Compel you to ride a bike in a white short sleeved shirt and black tie and hand out The Book of Mormon and when you have handed out all your copies, they catch on fire.
February 16th, 2008 at 1:21 am
I love this song.
Dear god,
Hope you got the letter,
And I pray you can make it better down here.
I dont mean a big reduction in the price of beer,
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet,
cause they dont get enough to eat
From god,
I cant believe in you.
Dear god,
Sorry to disturb you,
But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street,
cause they cant make opinions meet,
About god,
I cant believe in you.
Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too!
Dear god,
Dont know if you noticed,
But your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true.
Well I know it aint and so do you,
Dear god,
I cant believe in,
I dont believe in,
I wont believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners,
No devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
Youre always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And its the same the whole world round.
The hurt I see helps to compound,
That the father, son and holy ghost,
Is just somebodys unholy hoax,
And if youre up there youll perceive,
That my hearts here upon my sleeve.
If theres one thing I dont believe in…
Its you,
February 16th, 2008 at 1:39 am
The “I wear temple garments because they protect me from harm” nonsense is so tiresome.
the Mormon church is rampant with such folklore.
If it were true, Ted Bundy’s 29th rape and murder victim, a virtuous, sweet ex-missionary woman, would have survived his evil unharmed. Bundy only remembered this victim (of his many ) because of her weird garments. Every innocent victim of crime and accident that was also wearing temple garments should have the courage to speak up. But they never do.
February 16th, 2008 at 4:19 am
So, I’m a Mormon, blah blah blah, and D-bone, Riley, and Lifto make some succinct points.
That said, I find it amusing when people poke fun at us. Honestly, we appear a bit weird. I see the weird stuff as perfectly normal, because I know the background, but without that, we look nuts. I think that if people can’t laugh at themselves and their beliefs from time to time, then we’ll have all kinds of wars and multi-century cultural rifts over it (not that there’s any precedent for that WHATSOEVER). Keep on bloggin’, Ross. The peace of the world depends on you.
February 16th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Wait, where did all these comments come from? There are more than 6 Mormons in the world?
and R. Dawkin’s, let me ask you a question:
The lyrics you reprinted are from XTX’s Dear God. Now, if singer Andy Partridge doesn’t believe in God, who is he singing to?
February 16th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Himself.
February 16th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
And referring to himself as God?
I like the song too. I used to think it was very clever bc it was subtly revealing that the singer did actually believe in God but was struggling with his faith due to the bad things in the world.
Then I heard a prickish interview with Andy Partridge. No dice. Still like the song, but doesn’t fully work for me due to that reason.
February 16th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
so.. i live in utah. right now. like, i’m typing this from utah.
i was baptized mormon, but stopped going to church cause it put me to sleep and i hated it. (just because what kid likes church?)
the LDS church is cult like, and the underwear are weird, but i don’t think it’s such a huge deal.
it’s not like you can *always* tell when someone is lds.
… i don’t know though, maybe i just look past it.
February 17th, 2008 at 4:17 am
How sacred can underpants be? They’re certain to get various un-sacred substances on them. Those being urine, jizz and feces. Do they require a sacred kind of washing then?
That aside, I’ll give you a few reasons why Mormonism is more stupid than most other religions. It was founded in the US, by a man who claimed the Garden of Eden, and thus the origin of the human race, was in Missouri, likely to make the locals feel important. We all know, nothing important is in Missouri. Josphe Smith also claimed that those with dark skin, aboriginals, africans, etc were cursed by god. Others religionists have claimed this but Mormonism was the only faith to put this in thier gospel, to my knowledge. Some might argue that is in the bible but you can claim anything about a text that has been translated and re-translated and edited and generally fucked with so many times. I think the LDS wrote that out some time in the 70s. Still some racist motherfuckers, in my humble opinion. I could go on, but that one episdoe of South Park covered most of it.
The best way to truly know the depth of mormon stupidity is to talk to them. In all my encounters they have always proven themselves to be just as ignorant and soft as I expected. Easy to scare too. Fun to scare, especially the witnessing ones. Like rabbits in matching uniforms.
February 17th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Gladstone, re XTC’s lyrics, I went to Catholic schools and lots of times they’d give us these assignments like “Write a letter to God”. As the song starts out with and ends with a kid maybe that was kind of his inspiration for writing it? I can totally relate to writing an impertinent letter like this for school (I’m sure my teachers would vouch for me, too).
Also, it could very well be just so he could use the second connotation of the words “dear god” at the end. Worse songs have been written for less.
And at the risk of derailing this excellent religious persecution thread we’ve got going here, I think Ross’ REAL point is that 60 Minutes is now as irrelevant as any other American “news” show out there. They used to stand for something, they used to do hard news, they used to strike fear in the hearts of crooked politicians and sleazy businessmen alike. Now they pander to the lowest common denominator and have to listen to a guy babble about his sacred undergarments with a straight face.
But by all means, keep arguing about which invisible omnipotent being’s rules are more ridiculous than the others. That’s MUCH more important than the ability to get real news about what’s going on in your country and elsewhere. I mean, it’s not like there’s a contentious war going on right now or anything, right?
February 17th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Making fun of other people’s religions is one of the best things in the world. It works for
everyone, too. You can even make fun of Atheists!
Hey, Atheists! Your life must be pretty hollow and meaningless, not having any beliefs beyond what is observably true!
February 18th, 2008 at 8:49 am
That’s a common misconception, Liam. I’m actually an atheist and find my life LESS hollow and meaningless because, even though I realize that I wasn’t created out of some entities unending love, I do realize that everything I have done and will do in life is because of my own power to make it so.
I think I also appreciate life more than the average person because I think when we die we rot in the ground. That’s it. There’s no second chance, so I have to make of life what I can while I have it. I won’t be skipping around heaven (or hell) for eternity.
I’m also much more confortable believing that I am not someone’s puppet. I take pride in doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do rather than because I’m afraid of going to hell.
February 18th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
You guys are a bunch of crack-ups! Do you guys like to bash Jews too? That Holocaust thing was hilarious wasn’t it! Maybe we should all go out lynch some black people too. Actually, let’s just all rip on Muslims. We can all hate them can’t we? Huh…are you all with me!!!! All those things are just as funny - and offensive - as bashing Mormons.
My favorite thing about people who are against religion (or mine, for that matter) is the fact that they hate us because of our supposed intolerance for other’s beliefs. When the reality is, you are all just as intolerant as the rest of us supposedly are.
Pardon us Mormons for not beliveing what everyone else thinks. We’re sorry we’re not like you. We certainly hope our existance doesn’t sicken you all too much. But I think it’s much more noble to believe in something that WE KNOW others will ridicule us for, than be like everyone else. But I guess that’s what makes America great…freedom to express.
However, I do have a few opinons (or, as I’m sure some of you will dismiss - thoughtless Mormon drivel) to share. It would suck to believe that I am just a one-shot organism that will end up rotting in the ground. If I’m right, we’ll have a drink together on a cloud when all is said and done. If you are right, well, we’ll never know will we.
Bummer.
As for Vellocet…I was trying to think of something eloquent and spiritual to say. But, since everything we “rabbits in matching uniforms” say is stupid, I just figured it would be best to take the rhetoric down to your level. So, here goes…
Eat shit and die you mindless, souless, gutless little puke. Fuck off!
Wow…that felt pretty good! I need to get out of my rabbit hole more often.
February 18th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Jelijah, part of the fun thing about being an athiest (or at least myself being an athiest) is that I really don’t judge people by their beliefs unless they constantly try to convert me. If you want to try to talk me into a time or two, that’s cool, but at some point it just gets annoying. The other time is when they’re extremists like terrorist style. I don’t even mind Scientology, I think they’re wasting their money, but that’s thier choice.
So, if I’m wrong, die, and still get to go to heaven for just being a decent guy despite not believing in a god, heaven, or hell, I would be glad to sit and have a drink with you. At that point you might even have a chance at converting me.
February 18th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Who knew Mormons were allowed to use the internet?!
February 18th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
No, Ross, you are thinking of Amish people.
February 18th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
The only thing that I find sad is that there are people, some of whom have posted here, that upon learning that another person is Mormon or Jewish, Muslim, Black, White, Latin or anything different than them, would automatically assume that they are better. Not that the other person is less intelligent or worse than them, but that they, because they are not Mormon or Jewish, Muslim, Black, White, Latin, etc., are better than those of us who are different from them. That is what is sad
February 18th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
And that applies to every religion, race, and country out there.
February 18th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
*watches Nomis kill the humor with a pocket knife, then a butcher’s knife, then a meat cleaver, then a chain saw, the a pistol, then a….*
Fuck this. I’m not making another long ass list.
February 18th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
The anonymity of the internet brings out the worst in people. Don’t let ignorant comments get you down. Most people living in the real world don’t make fun of things to feel better about their own lives. You tend to deal with the bottom tier of humanity when you read anonymous blog posts. Mankind is certainly better than this.
February 18th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Mr. THE Guy, I have absolutely no qualms with you friend…I thought your first post was quite funny. I would never try and convert unless invited, but drinks (on clouds or otherwise) are always a good place to sort out how alike or unalike (sic) we are. Consider me your Mormon friend…or “uniformed rabbit” friend, depending on your level of intelligence.
February 19th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Fair enough Jelijah. I’ll buy the first round.
February 19th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
My parents raised me attending the Free Methodist church on sundays. You want crazy, fucked-up shit? We used to have picnics! In the park! There would be food, and frisbee games. Sometimes we’d play softball in the baseball diamond! At Christmas, we’d have potluck suppers!
The worst of it was… when people would move… the congregation would pitch in and help the family out!
I still cry thinking about it. Thank goodness I got out of that madhouse.
February 19th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Just a quick comment to Apple Wine
In her in-depth research into the Mormon church, she failed to notice that Mormons have banished polygamy and did so in the late 1800’s. It is no longer practiced in their church.
Those people that do practice polygamy are not recognized as members of the Mormon church but most are splinter groups from the Mormon religion, so please talk to a Mormon instead of relying on anti-mormonism sites to get your information.
February 19th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
First they get reamed on the Cracked Blog, and now Kraft announces they’re discontinuing Postum? Let’s lay off the Mormons a bit, alright? They’re having a rough month.
February 20th, 2008 at 3:52 am
Anyone ever read the bible before? If not you might want to check it out and learn about the beliefs of Mormons before you make any asinine comments about our religion. If you have read it, maybe try understanding it a bit. I’m not saying the bible is perfect, due to the many translations it underwent, I’m just saying that there’s a lot of stuff in there that most people don’t really get. It talks about special undergarments in the old testament for example. For those who study the bible, good, so do I. Pretty weird huh? Must be all that brainwashing I went through before I was 8.
February 20th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Macxamillion, come on, we just had an understanding: me, an athiest, Jelijah, a Mormon, just saying to hell with that shit and lets go have a drink.
Why do you have to start Bible thumping? Everyone knows the main thing to take from the Bible is to treat others as you want to be treated (unless you’re a masochist, then you need to treat others how you don’t want to be treated). It’s just a humor blog, it’s not going to do any lasting harm. So, lighten up and have a drink with me and Jelijah should it turn out that I’m wrong and people end up going to heaven when they die.
February 20th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I’m there man
February 21st, 2008 at 12:50 am
Don’t let the LDS get you!
I refuse to define “cult” here but as a Catholic I say Catholicism is a cult. A freakin’ huge one… with lot’s of tiers of power. Nice juicy cult-drama.
I will say I also believe that walking into the middle of a busy street or my college campus in a suit and tie (don’t forget sacred undergarments) thumping the Bible 2.0 and the council of Elders or 13 or w/e is unwanted, unnecessary, and soliciting. For the record, our apartment manager physically escorted a pair of Bible thumpers to their car. If I wanna convert somebody I start by leading by example and telling my friends; I try to inform only the people who will listen. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just do it my way…
February 21st, 2008 at 12:02 pm
“Please please please just do it my way.” Aren’t you a bossy motherfucker? Just don’t do it at all. The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt Keep Thy Religion To Thyself.
February 26th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
February 27th, 2008 at 8:21 am
True, STFU.
1.) This is the place to discuss that.
2.) No one will read that whole big brick wall of text.
3.) You’re an idiot.
February 28th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
*carves 18 homeless shelters out of the dense impenetrable material of True’s words, feels better about herself, goes on a shopping spree to celebrate*
April 1st, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I agree with most stuff on this site cool keep up the good work!!!
May 30th, 2008 at 2:50 am
“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
May 30th, 2008 at 10:15 am
True, you are the biggest bonehead I have found on the internet.
A. your comments have nothing to do with story or discussion and
B. your logic fails you.
I am no where near rich, but am not poor either. I am a college student, who is educating myself through loans, which I will have to pay off soon. The thing I have learned, and what the rest of America needs to learn, is how to live within your own means.
You deserve everything you have. Write that down.