While browsing Google News yesterday, I suddenly came upon the headline “Maggie Gyllenhaal in Lesbian Orgy.” Needless to say, that’s the type of link I usually see while browsing certain other websites, so I was intrigued enough to click.
Ultimately, it was just a short film she made for “Speechless”, a campaign supporting the writers’ strike, and featured no nudity whatsoever.
And while I still managed to masturbate to the video several times, I have to say I was disappointed with the overall quality. It made it painfully clear that the writers are on strike, not through its own will, but simply by the fact that it felt like the plot had been conceived and written by a chimp on a bender.
In the vid, three women all arrive at an apartment for a date with (gasp!) the same man, AMPiTePa (get it?), who they then bag on for being selfish and arrogant. Then they bone. Then a pizza girl comes and presumably joins them. Oh, I see. I should support the writers.
A brief aside: I hate it when snide, jaded Internet writers say petty, mean things about celebrities, who after all are people too, and have feelings and self-images capable of being damaged. So it is with the utmost self-loathing that I hypocritically point out that Maggie Gyllenhaal is less than attractive in this video.
I only bring it up because I have been attracted to her in the past, and in this video there is a moment where she awkwardly smiles at another girl in an elevator and her cheeks balloon to the size of frightened blowfish. Perhaps the people who make her pretty are on strike as well; who knows.
But getting back to the writing, I find it a bit of a slap in the face to have it thought that I need dialogue and symbolism as transparent as this to get the point. I’m assuming the lesbian orgy bit was thrown in at the end because they worried about my minuscule attention span drifting if I didn’t have the promise of sex to look forward to.
Ever eager to scab, here are some brief outlines for more installments of the “Speechless” campaign that I feel capture the key elements they’re looking for:
If you or your organization are morons and would like to pay me to think for you, please leave your credit card information in the comments section below.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes lesbian orgy videos as head writer and con-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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September 24th, 2008 at 9:18 am
неплохая мысль +1
March 9th, 2008 at 1:26 am
wwe divas pic…
Man i love reading your blog, interesting posts !…
February 13th, 2008 at 2:20 am
So… is the point of the video that the writers should go fuck themselves?
February 11th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
First of all, i couldn’t help but think that i was having a stroke every time they said AMPiTePa like it was a common guys name. Also, even though i think the writer’s guild has a valid point, watching the video made me feel that writers are incredibly insecure about themselves, quick to praise each other for no reason and have the deductive skills of a blind toddler playing Clue for the first time. they also drink to get over dissapointment.
February 9th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Meh, that’s such a cliché.
If I could only rope Jon Reremy into it somehow I’d be willing to make it.
February 9th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
@ Andy Pants , See that’s what I’ve been talking about, even their names make them easy to confuse. I saw John Cusack while flipping channels this morning and thought “Yeah, he and his sister look to much alike for me to ever have sex with her”.
@ Captain Ross So, these movie scripts you wrote, are they about the horny mailman fulfilling the desires of the lonely supermodels on his route?
February 9th, 2008 at 7:27 am
@ Glendoor
Um, i’m not legally allowed to answer that.
Royal Mail makes us sign a form, since we’re under the Official Secrets Act.
I feel like James Bond
February 9th, 2008 at 7:27 am
My problem with Joan Cusack is that I always picture her from her role in Toys (not to be confused with the hilarious romp about slavery The Toy) in which she acted like a 4 year old and generally creeped me out. I always found LL Cool J’s interest in her in that movie very unnatural and disturbing.
February 9th, 2008 at 7:21 am
It’s okay for there not to be a real lesbian orgy. I’ve seen the secretary. I don’t really think there is anything else Maggie could show me.
February 8th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
That whole time you were talking about Joan Cusack I thought you were refering to John Cusack. I thought maybe it was one of those in-jokes. Like you were all pretending John Cusack is actually a woman. Read back first plot-line and replace Joan with John. I can’t decide if it’s funnier or not.
February 8th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Go from behind, damn, shit, well next time she asks I’ll damn sure remember that. She was hottest btw in “Addams Family Values”.
@ Captain Ross Well did you go over the threshold or not?
February 8th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Why yes Glendoor, hey, you’ve no idea I’ve had to use the phrase “I’m sorry, but company policy forbids me from going over the threshold ma’am.”
February 8th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Maggie Gyllenhaal is gorgeous in that like, real-person sort of way. Like, she doesn’t look like a fake hunk of plastic, and I can delude myself into believing that I might one day have a lesbian orgy with her.
Also Joan Cusack is one hundred percent gorgeous, especially like, “My Blue Heaven”-era Cusack.
@glendoor, I don’t think she looks THAT much like her brother. I mean, obviously enough to tell if they were siblings, but not enough to get confused during sex. (Go from behind, duh.)
February 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Here’s my problem with Joan Cusack. She looks to much look her brother in the face. I have had to turn her down for sex the last two times she’s asked because I’m afraid we would be getting it on and BOOM there I am looking at JOHN CUSACK. Man, that thought just scares the shit out of me. So alas, Joan and my self’s sexual consummation has remained unfulfilled.
@Captain Ross , “Also, I don’t think Maggie Gyllenhaal is hot. She’s too skinny and looks like an above-average small town hick girl.”
As oppossed to all the hot model level chics you meet on your mail route?
February 8th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
She could sink my cruiseliner anyday. Growwrr!
February 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Strangely, yes, even though her jawline could sink a cruiseliner.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
But you do think Joan Cusack is hot, though, right?
February 8th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
As a published writer (bahahaha) I have to say I don’t feel much sympathy for Hollywood writers, as they get paid a hell of a lot more than most screenwriters do. I’ve written a few full scripts that were reasonably okay, but never picked up.
It is pretty satisfying how the entire industry shuts down when overpaid, overhyped, undertalented robots like most A-list actors have no one to tell them what to say.
Also, I don’t think Maggie Gyllenhaal is hot. She’s too skinny and looks like an above-average small town hick girl.
February 8th, 2008 at 11:29 am
All I said is that I have that Joan Cusack movie you describe. In fact, I have an extensive collection of Joan Cusack’s dirty movies.
How much money do Hollywood writers get paid? If I see too many digits in tha response, my sympathy for their plight may wane.
February 8th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Again, I’m being censored! Fix your filters, please.
February 8th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Mmm you could sense the hot lesbian tension in the elevvadkdstrktjkjk oh fuck.
February 8th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Is this how Lesbian orgies break out in real life?
I hope so.