An Idiot’s guide to Super Tuesday
Q: What’s Super Tuesday?
A: It’s a day of the week from the distant planet Krypton, which having escaped it’s own world’s destruction, has traveled across the galaxy and crash landed on our planet, where our yellow sun gives it super powers.
These powers include 1) occurring once every four years, 2) deciding the fate of several states electoral primaries 3) and heat vision.
Q: Ok, so it’s a politics thing. Republicans vs. Democrats and such.
A: Not quite. The primaries are when both the Republicans and Democrats decide which one of their candidates they’ll send into shirtless gladiatorial combat with the other side. This year, 24 states are holding primaries on Super Tuesday, so a strong showing here is considered crucial to a candidates success.
Q: So this is a pretty big deal then?
A: Well it is, unless it isn’t. There’s been a handful of “Must-win” primaries this season already, and they haven’t decided much yet.
Q: So who’s running this year?
Rather than explain where all the candidates stand on the issues (boring!) we’ll just give you the quick snapshot on their most important features.
The Republicans:
John McCain: If he’s doing something you like, he’s a “maverick” - if he’s doing something you hate, he’s a “fucking traitor.”
Mitt Romney: He’s a Mormon, which is either a very big deal, or not a big deal at all depending on whether you go to church much or not. Speaking of which…
Mitt Huckabee: God’s on his side.
On the Republican side, McCain’s the foreign policy hawk who’s hated by the party elite, and lot’s of other people aside from that. Romney’s the economic conservative who’s adored by the party elite, but mistrusted by everyone else. Huckabee’s adored by social conservatives and feared by everyone else. All in all, not a very inspiring bunch. For example, none of them possess the “looks like a guy you could have a beer with” quality that Republicans have looked for in their presidential candidates for the last 8 years or so, and which has proven to be such a crucial element for running a country.
The Democrats:
Hilary Clinton: Woman.
Barack Obama: Black.
On the Democratic side, the debates over the last few weeks have boiled down to one key issue: If you vote for Obama, you hate women, if you vote for Clinton, you hate black people. Barack Obama’s startling rise in the polls over the last month has forced Democrats everywhere to confront a very difficult question: “Do we hate women as much as we do black people?”
Q: Anything specific to watch out for?
A: For the Dems, the most likely outcome for Super Tuesday may actually be no outcome at all. The polls between Clinton and Obama are very tight, and given the Democratic Party’s wishy-washy method for divvying up delegates it’s possible that no-one will emerge a clear winner at the end of the day.
On the Republican side, McCain’s got a sizable lead in most national polls, and can possibly lock up the nomination with a strong showing today. Romney’s campaign is on the ropes, and needs some good news to keep his campaign going. As for Huckabee, despite his strong support from social conservatives and God, he’s basically been reduced to the role of a spoiler now. He may be able to steal social conservative voters away from Romney in key states – it being widely suspected that social conservatives will vote for anyone but McCain due to his vocal support for gay marriage for illegal immigrants.
February 5th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Personally, I can’t wait until the Under Armour revolution comes, and then we won’t have to deal with this political mess. It’ll just be the Under Armour Emperor, yelling orders from his balcony, which we’ll all hear without aid of a microphone.
Also, I’m not voting for anybody listed here. Wait, I’m not American. Does that make me a traitor?
February 5th, 2008 at 8:46 am
I like Lewis Black’s way of choosing a President. Take a monkey and kick him out of an airplane randomly somewhere in the US. The first person he goes up to and grabs thier hand is the next President.
February 5th, 2008 at 9:10 am
How about we just throw that traitorous Kingmonkey out of an airplane?
February 5th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I’m with you Kingmonkey!!!! (read: as long as you make me Under Armour Vice Emperor)
February 5th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Two words:
Dunk tank.
February 5th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I’ve warned you before, G-stone. Keep this up and the Empire of the Under Armour is going to declare you an enemy of the state.
February 5th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I’m not sure if you called him Mitt Huckabee for ironic purposes or not….
February 5th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Personally I wanted to see it be Romney vs. Obama just to see if any Racist Southern Baptists heads would explode!
February 5th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
And no… I’m not saying all Southern Baptists are Racists, nor am I saying that all Racists are Southern Baptists… I just wanted to see what would happen to the overlapping part of that Venn Diagram
February 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Huckabee not only has God on his side, he has Chuck Norris
February 5th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
so basically, Huckabee has God on his side
February 5th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I’m sorry…was that last joke dated? I feel that it is, and I apologize for it.
February 5th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Am I the only one who feels like the next word out of the Emperor of Under Armor’s mouth in that commercial was going to be “NNNNEEEERRRRDDDDS!!!?
I personally am not to worried about the Under Armor revolution because they will eventually need someone to install their big screens and tivos, so they can watch themselves, fix their computers, referee their games, write articles about their stellar performances in the big game, color commentate their big games, represent them so they can get their money, count their money, do their taxes, someone to represent them
when they are charged with tax evasion, represent them for assault and battery or murder when they tear up a strip club, run the camera write and direct them in their Under Armor revolution commercials, own their team or sponsor them and so you get the picture.
The Under Armor revolution is nothing but the jocks trying to reestablish their so called natural dominance in the world, I got news, the nerds inherited this world about 1998 and we are not giving it back.
About the product Under Armor however, I have personally field tested it in extreme conditions and for those of you who do not know what the are for, they are under shirts that are suppose to draw moisture away from the body and keep you cooler, prevent chafing and so on. It felt to me that I was wearing a wet silk wet suit and did nothing to keep me cooler. though I know people who swear by it. I did not like it.
PS Vote McCain or Obama. Either one is the best candidate to run in about twenty years. If John McCain was smart and if Hillary wins the nomination, he would ask Obama to be his running mate instead of Rudy 9/11 I’m running for President of Florida Giuliani. That won’t happen though.
February 5th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
@ kingmonkey Traitor, I don’t know where are you from? If you are one of those English, British talking people like from England, like Capt. Ross then yeah, probably. If you are Casnadian from Canada then you are just cute. If you are from Australia like I think Andy Pants is then you are an asshole. (But in a good way).( Just kidding Andy Pants)
BTW Mrs glendoor42 and the two kids that look like you are ready for you to get them ,I have their shit packed and they are waiting for you on the porch. They said please hurry, it is suppose to rain and I will not let them back in the house.
February 5th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
glendoor42, I am a Casnadian (destroyer… paranoia!), and at least you and your wife can agree I’m cute: proof positive that even lingering amounts of my psychotropic cologne is enough to cause irreversible brain damage!
As for the Under Armour revolution… we’re just waiting for someone to slip up and make electronics easy to understand, then it’ll be like a more muscular version of Idiocracy. Headlocks and assholism shall abound.
Wild_marker: being elected to cabinet in the Under Armour empire will be more like a weightlifting competition/UFC thing than actual “elections” per se.
February 5th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
In the Under Armour regime, all computers will be Macs. Steve Jobs has unwittingly provided fuel for the ovens of the Geek genocide.
February 5th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Well that just figures. It would be worth it almost to see Steve Jobs up against the wall though.
February 5th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Glendoor, buddy, stop calling me English.
I swear, 5000 men in skirts will be outside your house if you continue to do so.
Also I may send an army.
February 5th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I for one welcome our new jock overlords.
February 5th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Hey, we’ll possibly be the only invading army in the world that’ll go away if you give us beer, let us party with you and take our pictures.
Oh, we’ll even clean up afterwards.
February 5th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
5000 of them and their sheep.
February 5th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Hey, gotta get a vacation romance somehow.
February 5th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
HaHaHaHa!!!
February 6th, 2008 at 12:27 am
the FOOO-CHURRR!! ….
February 6th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Hey! First time poster, long time reader. Looks like you were right about the democratic outcome Chris. Barack got the most states and Hillary got the most delegates. Now we just have to wade through a few more weeks of mud-slinging from the candidates, lousy predicitions from the media and bull-shitting from Bill Clinton.
February 6th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
it’s mike huckabee, not mitt. you got romney right tho.
February 6th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
oh my god IO just found out. Under armor…….is PEOPLE!!!
February 6th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Um… C, I think we’ve clearly established that Under Amour is not people. It is the “fyooo-churrrrrrrr!”
February 6th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Can any of these clowns actually fix the cluster fuck this country is in currently? Probably not. They can, however, provide us with one of the worst selections for President since the last election. Frankly, I don’t trust any of them. NONE of them have remained very consistent on any issues.
For shits and giggles, let’s go through the list.
Mitt Romney - Lying conservative Mormon. There’s nothing worse. And his name is stupid.
Who in the hell names there kid Mitt? I’ll tell you who: lying conservative
Mormon parents, that’s who.
John McCain - Bush loving 9/11 fetishist.
Mike Huckaby - I just hate his douche bag name.
Hillary Clinton - Don’t confuse this socialist hag with her husband, Bill. She will do nothing
but turn us into a shitty Canada.
Barack Obama - I don’t know much about this man, but his mysterious ways make me
uncomfortable. He’s a vague man, and I don’t want vagueness in the
White House….anymore.
Also, none of the above have given any sure fire way to end the fiasco in Iraq. No trust means no vote from me.
February 7th, 2008 at 11:17 am
What Gamer is saying should inspire everyone of you to look deeper into the backrounds of each these corporate chosen candidates. He is spot on with his analasis. This article is about apathy which by design is a key ally of the establishment, which is caused by depression brought on by the loss of control over your own life. We were taught in school about this free country we live & don’t forget that lesson on the government in America being for the people by the people. We were taught that all men are created equal, & that right is protected under the constitution. As we grow we soon come to the realization that this is not the case. Bigger government, or socilistic concepts of income redisdribution is the enemy of the freedoms that we were taught about in school. The thing we forget about the most, is that individual liberty requires individual responsability. We continue to sell our birthright for these handouts & a false sense of security that undermine the very foundation of what our country is founded on. More false hope & promises=more of the same or worse. The real issues must be addressed in order to initiate true change. The article did forget to mention the 1 candidate that is not sponsered by the power establishment. He has a clear view of the challenges at hand. Google Ron Paul. The good Dr has a cure for the rampant apathy epidemic in this country.
February 7th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
If you would just sit down with Hillary and drink a nice cup of warm BLOOD, you would see things her way or else burst into flames
February 7th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
The question is…
Would you look at a penthouse spread of hillary? unshaven
Would you vote for a black guy that sounds white, acts white and never ever has been photographed holding his jammy
February 7th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
“Would you look at a penthouse spread of hillary? unshaven”
As long as she shaved her legs and pits or just her legs, Hell Yeah.
February 7th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I guess Cracked didn’t want to include Ron Paul. The “Tax Payer’s Best Friend” who knows that America’s foreign policy is destroying the economy. The guy who says we should bring the troops home, end the IRS, and wants to give freedom back to the American people.
February 7th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
As long as the’re not Black or Jewish. Ever read the Ron Paul Report, I have.
February 8th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
“As long as the’re not Black or Jewish. Ever read the Ron Paul Report, I have.” - yeah I bet you have, you dumb fuck. Your daily reading probably amounts to the back of whatever cereal box your mom buys you.
Those newsletters are two decades old, and written by other people, NOT Ron Paul, who has released a statement to this effect. Yet you still are peddling this smear tactic shit? FOX news would be so proud. You dumb fucking idiot. “truth hurts”? Yeah but its not as much fun as lying is it?
Every other candidate is CFR. I doubt your retarded ass can really comprehend what that means. Fuck you, you cocksmoking fuckhole.
February 10th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I’m lying to no one, least of all myself like you are.
David Gergen, CNN senior political analyst, commented “I don’t think there’s an excuse in politics to have something go out under your name and say, ‘Oh by the way, I didn’t write that’.”
Check out any neo nazi web page forum and see how many of them have the tagline that say “Ron Paul for President”. Why is that do you think?
Oh and please enlighten all of us why a candidate that is a member of the Council of Foreign Relations is a bad thing. If you can do so without cutting and pasting Alex Jones or other bullshit conspiracy theory rhetoric quotes I will be amazed.
February 10th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
choosing a gps…
yes indeed……