Rachel Bilson Destroys My Delusion And Lies About It Badly
Rachel Bilson is more than just attractive; she’s attractive in a way that allows delusional guys to think they could hook up with her one day. She’s a naughty sex diva. But she’s also like your best friend’s little sister who wants to have sex with you —as practice— before she goes off to college a virgin. (That happens right?)
In any event, the dream is over. Rachel has done something unforgivable. Something so irrevocably horrible that she’s been removed permanently from the masturbatory minds of pubescents and dirty old men alike: she’s started dating that whiny, Star Wars-ruining, cry-baby. No, not George Lucas. She’s going out with, the chosen one, Hayden Christensen. The actor who answered the question, what if the great Sith Lord Darth Vader were a smug little twit who threw tantrums like the kid down the street who took his Nerf ball and went home when he started losing?
And while Rachel’s decision is soul-crushing, at least she has the good sense to lie about it. When asked what the “H” on her bracelet stood for, Bilson denied it had anything to do with Hayden, and, instead, replied:
“My little sister’s name is Hattie, and my favorite food is hash browns.”
That might seem lame, but really, who can blame her? Hell, I’m sure she’d be willing to make up all sorts of H-based lies to avoid acknowledging the sex she’s having with Hayden Christensen. Seriously, wouldn’t any of the following explanations still be more dignified?
- Heroin. I’m tragically addicted to heroin.
- Herpes. My vagina is incurably riddled with Herpes.
- Hell. I love Hell, and I am a pround member of the Church of Satan.
- Hitler. I’m not a neo-Nazi, but what can I say? I dig Der Fuhrer.
- Hermaphrodite. I, Rachel Bilson, am a Hermaphrodite. But rest assured, neither my penis nor vagina is gonna get anywhere near that douche Hayden Christensen.
Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Check out his latest offering or go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, his full name, and state of residence.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Hey, I find that she doesn’t give a shit about the Star Wars prequels refreshing. But then again, I’m not a nerd in my 30’s who obsesses over B-list pictures made with A-list budgets.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
You see what he did there, folks? He’s playing Disraeli to my Gladstone.
You just so busted yourself as an Englishmen. Don’t you know that blog readers in America don’t know enough world history to get that reference? We’re stupid. So take that!
Huh?
BTW, having seen My Life As A House, there’s more than just Star Wars-based reasons to not dig Hayden. Picture his performance as Darth. Now remove the Jedi powers. Yarp. Same performance.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Hey guys, me too! Look, I’m helping too! History can be fun.
Anyway Hayden blows.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I don’t see any flaw in her argument. I also wear an H bracelet to comemorate my love of fucking hash browns.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Hash Browns! Fuck Yeah.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I like pancakes.
February 4th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I like bacon too, probably more than I like pancakes.
February 4th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Grits are really good also.
February 4th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I would really like Rachel Bilson covered in grits, pancakes and bacon, probably sryup too.
February 4th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
It might be that that dress is just really unflattering but..
Her boobs look like deflated softballs.
February 4th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
That’s because they’re real and she’s not wearing a bra. What are we coming to when not even young Rachel Bilson meets your synthetic Pam Anderson standards? For shame, sir. For shame.
February 4th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Gravity is a bitch andy.
February 5th, 2008 at 2:31 am
Miss Bilson was in Madison, WI a few years ago filming a movie. I chatted with her at a bar and was surprised to find her a) more attractive in real life, b) incredibly short, and c) down to Earth and nice unlike her dick of a co-star at the time (who will remain as nameless as he is chinless.)
For this reason, she gets a get out of jail free card on this one (well, two, lest we forget adam brody)
February 5th, 2008 at 5:25 am
Aren’t being ’short’ and being ‘down to Earth’ inextricably linked?
February 5th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Bam!
February 5th, 2008 at 8:40 am
If I go for a girl with normal sized boobs, I’m going for Megan Fox. Mmmm, mmmm, good.
February 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am
It’s true; I’m much, much more attractive than Rachel Bilson.
February 5th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Another history lesson! FYI: he was the bearded nobleman in Braveheart who led the battle at the end.
Maybe Hayden secretly denounces his roles in private too? Or else Rachel Bilson really digs Red Dwarf and is a big Rimmer fan.
You’re a massive geek if you get the reference.
February 5th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I just like how her bracelet explanation sounded like one of those games you play on long road trips. “I’m not dating Hayden and my sister’s name is Hattie and we sell hash-browns. Now, let’s do ‘I’!”
February 5th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
LOL!
February 5th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Arnold Rimmer? Arnold… Judas… Rimmer?
February 5th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Mmmm . . . gravity . . .
February 5th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
H for hologram. Red Dwarf was quite possible the funniest TV show ever. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be home for breakfast.
February 5th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Still, man… fucking hash browns rule!
February 5th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Hey Andy Pants, are you sure you’re not gay? Her Natural boobs are fantastic.
February 5th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
not that there’s anything wrong with that…obviously
February 5th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Quoted from the above missive: “The actor who answered the question, what if the great Sith Lord Darth Vadar were a smug little twit…”
I am ashamed to admit that I found it difficult to concentrate on Rachel’s breasts because my eyes kept returning to the way Darth Vader’s name was misspelled above. Does that make me gay? Anal retentive? Both? Does one imply the other?
On the other hand, hash browns are delicious.
February 5th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Fixed!
February 5th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Your fixing the article only leaves me deeper in shame. But at least now I can concentrate on the boobies.
February 7th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Good for her! Hayden is a hottie!
February 26th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for all of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution. They are part of the problem. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Rachel should still get a set of ‘C’s’ in stalled if she intends to remain in Hollyweird. There’s too many chicks already in the industry (or trying to break into it) that are not only willing to suck plenty…but they’ll also have the ‘C’s’ installed. Rachel is just one of a million willing to gobble cholt to get her next role. So Rachel…fly right babe (that includes anal) or no more organic light saber for you sweets. XO
http://www.NeilsNotes.com
February 27th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Rachel should still get a set of ‘C’s’ installed if she intends to remain in Hollyweird. There’s too many chicks already in the industry (or trying to break into it) that are not only willing to suck plenty…but they’ll also have the ‘C’s’ installed. Rachel is just one of a million willing to gobble cholt to get her next role. So Rachel…fly right babe (that includes anal) or no more organic light saber for you sweets. XO
http://www.NeilsNotes.com
February 27th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Her tits look like mudflaps for fuck sake!
February 27th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I was on a set once (seriously) with Rachel’s step mom, Heather Medway. Now THAT’s a hottie! Lips that could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!