• The "Top 10 Jokes Cracked Feels Guilty About" definitely includes the previous Ledger tweet. #
• Top 7 Formulaic Shows Currently On TV, Where Each Episode Is Virtually Identical: All Law & Orders, Medium, CSI… Family Guy? Mmmmaybe. #
• Most Unexpected Beards in History: List must include Conan O’Brien, Al Gore one, and Phyllis Diller #
• Sixth Least-Believable Fred Thompson Role of All-Time: "Presidential Candidate" #
• Most phallic foods of all time #1: Cucumber? Banana? Penis Candy? You tell us! #
• #1 Least realistic H’wood dinos: Tie btwn Jurassic Park 2 and ABC’s "Dinosaurs." One had "Not the mama!", but the other had Vince Vaughn. #
• Top two search engines with double O’s in their name: Duh. #

If you’re wondering when you’ll get a chance to see Sarah Michelle Gellar in the movies again, then you might have to keep wondering. Reportedly, the actress, best known for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was to star in a remake of Alice in Wonderland, but the film has suffered numerous delays.

Gellar told reporters she is certain the movie will get made with her in the lead, but this recording of a call made to her agent indicates the former TV star is less than confident.

Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Awesome Video Of The Day

That’s What Friends Are For

On September 4, 1993, Seth became a man. Then his entire family got wasted and attempted to sing a Dionne Warwick song. 15 years later you’re sitting here watching it on the internet. Kinda weird how that worked out, isn’t it?

I’d like to know more about Seth’s family. What’s up with the chick on the left who looks like she wants to kill herself? Who’s the wacky old man with the inflatable guitar? Perhaps most importantly, don’t any of them realize that a single karaoke microphone isn’t going to pick up nine peoples’ voices?

I’m not going to say anything mean-spirited about this family for a couple of reasons: (1) I actually find this video adorable and heartwarming; (2) Perhaps as a result of (1) I can’t really think of anything to make fun of them for (other than the fact that they are completely tone deaf and don’t seem to understand how microphones work); and (3) I never had a Bar Mitzvah, so I’m technically not even a man¹ and not in a position to make fun of anything. I really wanted to have a Bar Mitzvah, too - those kids made BANK and all they had to do was memorize some Hebrew noises. But then I would’ve had to go to Hebrew school and I probably would’ve missed Beavis & Butthead. We were all out of blank VHS tapes, too, so I couldn’t even record it. So yeah - I blame my dad. If he had just gone to the store and bought some fucking blank VHS tapes maybe I would’ve gone to Hebrew school and become a man².

Okay, I admit it: I’m a terrible Jew.

¹ Although I wonder: If a Jew never has a Bar Mitzvah, does he become a man when he loses his virginity? Not that I’ve ever had sex before (I’m only 26), but hypothetically speaking, does boning negate the whole never-becoming-a-man thing?

² FUCK YOU, DAD! I HATE YOU!

As executor of the late Michael Swaim’s formidable estate, it is my sad duty to inform the public that Mr. Swaim succumbed last night to that great void towards which we are all bound. The circumstances of his demise remain a mystery, although knowing him, I am sure they were both heroic and epoch-defining. In the meantime he offers us only this video tape, an offering from beyond the grave recovered at his home, as a clue to aid us in our mourning and confusion. May he rest in peace, wherever he is.

When he’s not dead, Michael makes eerie beyond-the-grave videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

• #7 Silliest Celluloid Depiction of the Devil: David Grohl in Tenacious D: In the Pick of Destiny #
• #4 Least-Endearing TV Catch Phrase of All-Time: "I love it when a plan comes together" — Hannibal, “The A-Team” #
• Heath Ledger died today. He is survived by 10,000 "Brokeback Mountain" gay jokes. #

Not a day goes by that I don’t receive countless e-mails, letters, phone calls, telegrams, candygrams, strippergrams, and smoke signals, all expressing some form of, “Yeah, yeah—Wall Street in a panic, economy in the toilet, Hillary and Obama mud-wrestling, Ron Paul’s sex tape—enough of that depressing stuff. We want more Unnecessary News!” Well, ask and ye shall receive, my imaginary friends!

Fist of a Tiger: In commemoration of the time he finally beat his father at golf, Tiger Woods has established the “Fist Pump Challenge” to inspire young people to celebrate their own accomplishments. The legendary Nike spokesmodel said he hopes the challenge will help kids “highlight the moments in their lives that brought them closer to reaching their goals.” When asked for examples, Woods said that possible “Fist Pumping” moments could include the first time you beat your father in a game, the first time you beat your father into unconsciousness, or the first time you got fisted.

I’m Not Dead, I’m Just a Little Chile: Proving once again that the third developing world is an endless source of medical mishaps and shenanigans, funeral-goers in Chile were astonished recently when Feliberto Carrasco, whom they had come to mourn, woke up and asked for a glass of water. The 81-year old had been unconscious for so long that relatives believed him dead and even dressed him for his wake. After the miraculous “resurrection,” Mr. Carrasco appeared to be fine, and has since returned to his favorite activities of pooping his pants, forgetting his own name, and wishing he was dead.

Lopez Sez No Mo-pez*: George Lopez star George Lopez has decided he will retire at the age of 55 to safeguard his health. The comedian and kidney-transplant recipient plans to perform for another nine years before hanging up his microphone for good. The transition should be easy, however, as Lopez retired from making people laugh in 1994.

*I nominate coming up with the title “Lopez Sez No Mo-pez” as my Fist Pumping moment. What’s yours?

Awesome Video Of The Day

Some Band Called Squeeze Squeeze Theeze Pleeze Gets Busted Lip-Synching

Whenever I hear about these so-called lip-synching “scandals” it kind of makes me want to kick King Tut in the balls¹. What difference does it make if Britney Spears or Ashlee Simpson are actually singing their songs in concert? They’ve got all that dancing and running around to worry about, and it’s pretty much impossible for them to have the lung capacity to do both. Besides, after all of the processing and production that goes into making a studio album, you could probably make the argument that pop vocalists barely even sing their own songs on their RECORDS, let alone in concert. I know they make like trillions of dollars or whatever, but I still think the expectations we’re setting for our pop stars are a little bit ridiculous.

When I personally go to a concert, yeah, sure, I expect the band to actually perform their songs with real instruments and vocals, but I don’t go to very many Britney Spears concerts (only every once in a while). Britney fans don’t give a shit about musicianship, do they?! Aren’t they just there to see their favorite singer dancing with all the flashing lights behind her and stuff? When you’re in an arena packed with 5,000 screaming 14-year-old girls, you’re probably not going to be able to hear anything anyway, right? Why NOT lip-synch?

I guess I can think of one really good reason not to lip-synch: it’s completely humiliating when you get busted doing it (and completely hilarious to everyone who isn’t you). Particularly when it involves falling off of a stage in front of millions of people. Just ask the guy in this video. I don’t know who Squeeze Squeeze Theeze Pleeze is, but that must have been pretty embarrassing. I hate to give credit to this douche, but the guy played it off about as well as anyone possibly could. By which I mean he didn’t burst into tears and bludgeon himself to death with the microphone in front of a live television audience. I’m pretty sure that’s the “normal” response in that situation.

¹ This is my new favorite expression.

Reuters, Jan 22 2008: Leading economists are warning that the only chance the United States will avoid slipping into recession is if it successfully transitions to an entirely Nintendo DS-based economy, a process begun in secret by the Treasury during Q4 2007.

And so another holiday season is all over, but the cryin’. Once again, given the lack of anything else going on in my life, I turn to the monthly sales data released for the month of December, courtesy of the NPD group.

Hardware Sales (Annual 2007 in brackets)
Nintendo DS 2.47 million (8.50 million)
Wii 1.35 million (6.29 million)
Xbox 360 1.26 million (4.62 million)
PlayStation 2 1.1 million (3.97 million)
PlayStation Portable 1.06 million (3.82 million)
PlayStation 3 797.6K (2.56 million)

(more…)

Awesome Video Of The Day

An Interesting Response

This video is pretty average in a lot of ways - there are about a billion videos of people punching each other in the face on YouTube - but it does have one redeeming factor: it marks the first time in recorded human history that somebody has responded to a punch in the face with the phrase “Ah, fuck - I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

Not in TOTAL human history, mind you; with over 6 billion people on our planet, I’m pretty sure there are a handful of people out there who, after being punched in the face, have turned around in disbelief and said, “Ah, fuck - I can’t believe you’ve done this.” I’d estimate that it’s happened around 14 times in a handful of different languages, but never before has there been a camera around to document it. This 11 second-long video marks the very first time that it’s been recorded for posterity’s sake, so don’t write this off as another typical dude-gets-punched-in-the-face-on-YouTube video. It might be a video of a dude getting punched in the face, but it’s also historically significant.

You know - because the guy says “Ah, fuck - I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

Incidentally, this particular blog post is historically significant in a very similar way: it marks the first time anyone on the internet has said “barnacle shuffle” or “King Tut’s balls.” What do I win?

Next time you get home from school only to shed your backpack, slam your bedroom door and collapse in frenzied weeping onto the bottom bunk because Brittany already has a date for Winter Ball, take some comfort in the knowledge that Pteranodons used to do the exact same thing.

Researchers at Berkeley have just concluded a study indicating that dinosaurs reached sexual maturity during their teenage years, just like me! Of course, dinosaur puberty had a few differences:

But despite these divergences, I’m sure awkwardness with the ladies still plagued our saurian brothers. After all, no T-Rex is going to be able to work up the nerve to ask a girl to the tar pits when he’s all self-conscious about his gimp arms.

And unlike human teens, his inability to reach his own genitals meant the sexual frustration was totally insurmountable. At least not without rubbing himself against a rock or getting an accommodating Dimetrodon friend to help him out, and the guys that did that were never quite the same.

How do the scientists know that all this is true? Well, as one researcher put it, “They wouldn’t be ovulating if they weren’t of reproductive age.”

Careful; that motto can get you in trouble in most states.

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes paleontological videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!