Have you ever wanted to live in a cyberpunk movie? Well, now you can, save the bullet time and endless stream of European techno throbbing in the background. Just join rogue hacker groups like “Anonymous” and take up the fight against Scientology.

Then you too can release rad “underground” scare videos like this one:

I got chills. Of course, I get chills whenever I hear a digitized voice. Remember when Cher’s “Life After Love” was on the radio like every other song? Not a comfortable time for me.

Anonymous really sells the hacker image, complete with a threatening coda and blatant disregard for public safety. The only bit I really find hard to buy is the “we do not forget.” I mean, most programmer kids I know forgot about everything they were doing the second Portal came out.

And for all the appearance of being a massive, organized, Internet force, the comments at the end of this interview make it clear to me that Anonymous is more of a group in the spiritual sense. You join by saying you’ve joined, and then you just kind of do what you do in the name of the group. Like me: I collect and paint turn-of-the-century wooden train figurines. AND I DO NOT FORGIVE.

But, hey, let’s hope they get some people off of Cruise Control. It’s an admirable aim; I just don’t think I’d be too eager to quit my religion because this guy asked me to:

They’re kind words, but I’m kind of afraid the whole time that he’s going to lift up that visor and just be a skull. Again, it’s almost certainly the creepy music, which seems to be a recurring motif in anti-scientology work. The best example I could find is this thing about all the people Scientology has killed, which I could take a lot more seriously if it didn’t use the “Requiem for a Dream” song. When you have to push your beliefs with such obvious fear tactics as reminding me of the movie that ruined my taste for ass-to-ass, my conspiracy antennae tend to extend.

Which isn’t to say Scientologists aren’t still nuts:

It’s definitely going to be an interesting struggle to follow, at least until all the Anonymous members are distracted by a new LOLcat on 4Chan (this one has three cats, a computer, and corms!).

Now let’s hope some guys from Anonymous find this post, decide it insults them, and light up the comments section. Then maybe Cracked will give me a raise and I can afford a can of hairspray and a lighter to combat the nest of bats in my office.

I know. They spring for an office, but they leave the bats. It’s crazy.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes underground cyberpunk videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

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• 3 websites that rhyme with Cracked, but are spammy links and not real sites: sacked.com, fact.com, and the NSFW favorite: stacked.com. #

It’s refreshing to know that in this time of sensitive mourning for Heath Ledger, Jack Nicholson is still capable of behaving like a jackass. By way of background, it should be noted that Nicholson was reportedly “furious” that Ledger, and not he, was asked to play The Joker. I’m assuming Nicholson envisioned a Dark Knight where The Joker battled Batman’s gadgets and Judo know-how with colostomy bags, an enlarged prostate, and sharpened pills of Viagara.

But on to more recent events:

The movie legend was dining at the Wolseley restaurant in London when a photographer told him about Heath’s passing.

Nicholson … replied “I warned him” then later said “I told him so”.

Ultimately, it was clarified that Jack was referring to his experiences with the sleeping pill Ambien — a drug that some speculate contributed to Ledger’s death. Nevertheless, before that further information was divulged, here were the top 5 guess as to what Jack told Heath:

Warned him never to leave the number of an anorexic troll doll as his emergency contact.

Suggested that 10 Things I Hate About You was a better title than Shrew-Tamin 2: New Skool Rulz

Advised that premature Nixon-style male pattern baldness will not prevent you from getting quality tail as long as you’re rich and famous.

Suggested that when you play the Joker, everyone will say you stole the show from Batman, mostly because there’s only so much acting Michael Keaton or Christian Bale can do with nothing more than an exposed jawline.

During the filming of Brokeback Mountain Jack suggested the line “I wish I knew how to quit you” in place of “man, I loves me some gay cowboy sex.”

Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Who Let The Dogs Out¹

I don’t support Mitt Romney as a candidate in any way, but I have to hand it to him: he handled this situation with more style & finesse than I ever would have been capable of.

I’ve never seen a black person in real life, but I’ve always considered myself prepared should the occasion arise. I remember reading something in National Review that said you’re supposed to whistle a soothing tune while clutching your valuables & loved ones to your chest, and that always seemed like sage advice to me… until now, anyway.

After seeing this video of Mitt Romney actually attempting to interact with black people, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Could it be that the National Review was wrong? Is that really possible? To reverse engineer this problem, I think we need to try to understand what was going through Romney’s head at the time:

Well played, Romney. Well played.

¹ Answer: It was the Baha Men. The Baha Men are the ones who let the dogs out.

This is not a film. It is an insult. Do not abide it.

If I find out a single Cracked Blog reader attended this movie on opening day, even if it results in sex, there will be hell to pay. Besides, do you really want to have sex with someone who would watch Meet the Spartans? Do you really want that inside of you?

I feel strongly about this.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes pandering, referential comedy videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

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Science has long challenged the status quo, smashed our established belief systems and forced us to re-examine our core perceptions. Now, they have enacted a similar imposition of topsy-turveydom in their creation of the world’s blackest material. Naturally, this discovery totally calls into question the world’s previous holder of the title “blackest thing in existence,” Wesley Snipes.

My friends, I urge you—don’t do anything drastic. Suicide is never the answer, and though our ebony idol may face dethronement, he still deserves his rightful place among the universe’s blackest things. Snipes has an undeniable, immediate blackness, an intrinsic quality that even light-trapping carbon nano-tubes cannot diminish. In fact, a cursory comparison of the two may rebolster your flagging confidence in Mr. Snipes:

So until carbon nano-tubes are in New Jack City, Wesley Snipes will remain the paramount black thing in my heart. You lose again, science.

In the end, all this discovery really does is push Samuel L. Jackson down another peg.

Sorry honky.

When he’s not blogging for cracked, Michael makes specious comparison videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

If you’re like me, and like to keep abreast of developments in the world of markets and finance, then you probably know that the world economy is headed into the toilet faster than Kate Moss after a breakfast buffet, and we may soon be in for a depression so great it’ll make Heath Ledger look like Richard Simmons.

Sure, you’re thinking, sucks to be us, but what can an 18-to-34 year-old unemployed couch-dwelling male such as myself do to help? Well, I’m glad you asked, my freeloading friend, because the Cracked Economic Forum has just the suggestions to help you help the United States and its global subsidiaries get back to kicking monetary ass with extreme prejudice. Let’s begin!

Get your own affairs in order. This is beneficial because a) you can make smarter buying decisions, such as purchasing an awesome Wii at only an 80% markup, instead of a suckass Playstation that was probably built by gay Communists; b) having any affairs whatsoever would be awesome because before you can have affairs you have to be dating someone; and c) you’ve got six months to live.

Create a budget and stick to it: One of the most difficult things for ordinary non-rich people to do is to give themselves a set budget. One way to do this is to arrange to have pre-set spending limits on your credit cards, gas cards, and prostitutes.

Save, save, save: It’s a little-known fact that in order to save money, you have to not spend it. So try cutting down on frivolous purchases like gold-plated jock-straps, silk cat-box liners, and soap.

Invest, invest, invest: With all that money you’ll save by denying yourself the things that make life worth living, you can do the economy a favor by investing in well-chosen stocks and bonds. For example, experts believe that shares of Cracked.com are poised to skyrocket, and are currently a bargain at $0.65 a dozen, or half of that pizza you’ve got in the fridge.

Spend, spend, spend: That’s right, forget all that crap about saving, because to get money, you’ve got to spend money. So get out there and stimulate our retail sector by dropping your hard-earned dough on fine purchases like a new hybrid car that runs on part gasoline and part coal, a new preëmptive war, or a lovely new pair of breasts for your girlfriend or mother.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful to you over the coming years of hardship and terror; if not, might I suggest you get back to work mounting those machine guns on your Civic? Those subhuman gangs of murderous road scavengers aren’t going to blow away themselves.