Economic Meltdown: What Can YOU Do?
If you’re like me, and like to keep abreast of developments in the world of markets and finance, then you probably know that the world economy is headed into the toilet faster than Kate Moss after a breakfast buffet, and we may soon be in for a depression so great it’ll make Heath Ledger look like Richard Simmons.
Sure, you’re thinking, sucks to be us, but what can an 18-to-34 year-old unemployed couch-dwelling male such as myself do to help? Well, I’m glad you asked, my freeloading friend, because the Cracked Economic Forum has just the suggestions to help you help the United States and its global subsidiaries get back to kicking monetary ass with extreme prejudice. Let’s begin!
Get your own affairs in order. This is beneficial because a) you can make smarter buying decisions, such as purchasing an awesome Wii at only an 80% markup, instead of a suckass Playstation that was probably built by gay Communists; b) having any affairs whatsoever would be awesome because before you can have affairs you have to be dating someone; and c) you’ve got six months to live.
Create a budget and stick to it: One of the most difficult things for ordinary non-rich people to do is to give themselves a set budget. One way to do this is to arrange to have pre-set spending limits on your credit cards, gas cards, and prostitutes.
Save, save, save: It’s a little-known fact that in order to save money, you have to not spend it. So try cutting down on frivolous purchases like gold-plated jock-straps, silk cat-box liners, and soap.
Invest, invest, invest: With all that money you’ll save by denying yourself the things that make life worth living, you can do the economy a favor by investing in well-chosen stocks and bonds. For example, experts believe that shares of Cracked.com are poised to skyrocket, and are currently a bargain at $0.65 a dozen, or half of that pizza you’ve got in the fridge.
Spend, spend, spend: That’s right, forget all that crap about saving, because to get money, you’ve got to spend money. So get out there and stimulate our retail sector by dropping your hard-earned dough on fine purchases like a new hybrid car that runs on part gasoline and part coal, a new preëmptive war, or a lovely new pair of breasts for your girlfriend or mother.
I hope these suggestions will be helpful to you over the coming years of hardship and terror; if not, might I suggest you get back to work mounting those machine guns on your Civic? Those subhuman gangs of murderous road scavengers aren’t going to blow away themselves.
January 24th, 2008 at 8:21 am
FIRST
January 24th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Also invent an internet, that will surely boost the economy.
January 24th, 2008 at 8:36 am
I think I will spend all my money on ammo… god forbid I run out of bullets.
January 24th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Pretend to be British. Hey, you get twice as much money that way.
January 24th, 2008 at 9:08 am
For our English readers: you probably think Al Gore once claimed to have invented the internet given how often that joke is made in the States. He didn’t. He claimed to have “taken the initiative” on moving the internet from the govt to the public sector. And guess what? He did.Now, due, in part, to his vision we can all read libelous comments at his expense. Of course these kinds of jabs at Al are no big deal, right? I mean its not like the media’s pathetic perpetuation of these canards helped elect the worst President in modern history. Oh. Which brings us back to Ian’s post about our crap economy, war, and dependence on foreign oil.
January 24th, 2008 at 9:33 am
I LOVE COCKS
January 24th, 2008 at 9:51 am
We so deserve George W. Bush.
January 24th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Oh, I’ll stimulate your retail sector, all right!
January 24th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Gladstone, all well and good.
But I’m Scottish.
January 24th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Well then you deserve, um, uh… what do you have over there? Some sort of fascist oligarchy? I’m not sure. I live in America.
January 24th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Actually, we do have our own government seperate from England, but it’s mostly a puppet government used to wave our figurative arses (which unfortunately aren’t kilted, alá Braveheart, which is a shame I think) at Parliament down south.
That’s all that matters I think.
January 24th, 2008 at 11:54 am
By the way, I don’t hate English people, just the types who hang around Parliament.
January 24th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I don’t hate British people, either–just their libel laws. And their stupid spelling. And the way they say “schedule.”
January 24th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Technically to you British means English, therefore I escape on a geographical technicallity.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Tell that to the old lady on your money.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Actually our money features vaguely effeminate men in wigs. And a man who appears to be Robert Burns’ gay cousin.
For some reason, we put heads of banks on our money, rather than heads of state.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
*shuts up now*
January 24th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Shut the fuck up about your stupid politics, Gladstone. Jesus, someone makes a tired old joke about a tired old man and you shit your pants with rage. Pathetic. Go jerk off over your shirtless picture of Dennis Kucinich.
Captain Ross: Aren’t all of the UK’s nukes in Scotland? Independence would instantly make Scotland a nuclear power. Edward I would be spinning in his grave.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Yep, based in a submarine dock not too far from Glasgow.
There’s a permanent hippy camp outside it that’s been there since I was 5.
January 24th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Sounds like somebody’s shitting his pants with rage, but it ain’t Gladstone.
January 24th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I revert to my original name to avoid suspicion of being a post-whore.
Wollinsky be damned!
January 24th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Beppo, will you be my special cracked.com friend? Please?
January 25th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Gladstone said:
> you probably think Al Gore once claimed to have invented the internet given how often
> that joke is made in the States. He didn’t.
He did ride the mighty moon-worm, though, right?
Wallsy.
January 25th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Al Gore’s a fucking tool. The coolest thing he ever did was guest star on Futurama.
That would have never happened if not for the fact that one of his daughters wrote for the show.
@ Capt. Ross, keep the rank easier to tell who you are, as opposed to all the poser Ross’s
around here.
January 25th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I made this internet just so Ian could post this and I could get first post AND start a flame pile. FTW!!1!
I also made up lolcatz
January 25th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
you got a problem with gay communists?
January 26th, 2008 at 6:42 am
“I also made up lolcatz”
And that Mr. Gore is one the plethora of reasons why you’re not president today.
January 26th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
The Australian ten dollar note has a picture of Richard Gere in drag.
January 26th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
“By the way, I don’t hate English people, just the types who hang around Parliament.”
Yeah. And I hate those Scottish fucktards who are the only reason top-up fees were introduced to make life just so much harder for English students. I would welcome independence, because it would mean one important thing: Scottish MPs would not be to vote on English only issues and turd up the system.
January 27th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Yeah whatever, hey, how does it feel having a Scottish Prime Minister?
Dickhead.
And don’t give me that bullshit about top-up fees. If anything it forced wanker English students who come up here and take up Uni spaces for Scottish students.
January 27th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I actually like English folk, and am one of the are people who never judges on race or nationality, so don’t act like a pissy little wanker just because we exist.
That just makes you a horrible pathetic excuse for a human being, especially as you’re obviously a dumb waste of space, posting on a comedy site.