The Man Was in Jungle Fever, for God’s Sake
Science has long challenged the status quo, smashed our established belief systems and forced us to re-examine our core perceptions. Now, they have enacted a similar imposition of topsy-turveydom in their creation of the world’s blackest material. Naturally, this discovery totally calls into question the world’s previous holder of the title “blackest thing in existence,” Wesley Snipes.
My friends, I urge you—don’t do anything drastic. Suicide is never the answer, and though our ebony idol may face dethronement, he still deserves his rightful place among the universe’s blackest things. Snipes has an undeniable, immediate blackness, an intrinsic quality that even light-trapping carbon nano-tubes cannot diminish. In fact, a cursory comparison of the two may rebolster your flagging confidence in Mr. Snipes:
existence for a few weeks).
So until carbon nano-tubes are in New Jack City, Wesley Snipes will remain the paramount black thing in my heart. You lose again, science.
In the end, all this discovery really does is push Samuel L. Jackson down another peg.
Sorry honky.
When he’s not blogging for cracked, Michael makes specious comparison videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
January 24th, 2008 at 1:13 am
You left one out, Swaim: Carbon Nano-Tubes can’t commit tax fraud.
Not yet.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
sacré!
January 24th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
There is no substance or man on Earth blacker than the Zel.
http://www.britfilms.tv/images/news/Meet%20Frank%20Lucas,%20the%20American%20Gangster.jpg
SAT question time!
In this context, “blacker” means
(A) Awesomer
January 24th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
BTW, nice name, Jean.
January 24th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Nice…very nice. You have saved my faith and devotion to Blade!!!
also…little sidebar…i just watched the thing you did on Funny or Die making fun of Tom Cruise. HELLA funny. Just wanted to say thanks for making me giggle.
January 24th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Someone has got to introduce these tubes to Jessie.
January 24th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
i havent laughed this hard in a while swaim.
January 25th, 2008 at 8:23 am
The article is almost as funny as Jean’s name!
January 25th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I think that as the only black commenter on Cracked, I must agree with Mister Swaim on this one. As a wise man once said, “he is so dark that his bathwater can be used to dye bowling balls.”
Also, does this open the door for a new, white material that also happens to exhibit black properties?
January 25th, 2008 at 11:25 am
really good post- turned out better than i thought it would
January 25th, 2008 at 11:48 am
White material that also happens to exhibit black properties, Mustafa? Like Vanilla Ice’s rap?
January 25th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Man, if Snipes goes to jail, I may have to find a new location for my bowling-ball-dyeing business.
January 25th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I HOPE you’re not referring to Eminem, Mustafa. For he is the boogie monster of rap.
January 26th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Also, the carbon-tubes can’t be a flaming transvestite with bulging biceps, a la Snipes in “To Wong Foo: Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar.”
January 26th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
You’d be surprised.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
See anyone else who was playing Blade would have done it in an overly Gothic way.
Wesley Snipes however, takes a barrage of bullets in his chest armour from a bunch of cops chasing him down a hospital corridor and turns to scream ‘man the fuck YOU doin’?’
That is, ladies and gentlemen, so very black.
January 28th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Did anyone look at this article and ignore the jokes to focus on kind of how cool that marerial is that absorbs so much light? I want to get clothes made of it and just hide in corners to scare the shit out of people.
February 14th, 2008 at 5:53 am
gps systems for cars…
Garmin is one of the most trusted names in the gps industry, and owning a Garmin gps unit is a great step in the right direction with some of the best navigation technology around….
February 22nd, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Is it just me or does the picture at the bottom where Snipes is in full “Simon Phoenix” regalia not resemble Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show?
See Beetlejuice at http://www.flickr.com/photos/thecanonrattman/514193558/
February 23rd, 2008 at 11:24 am
Hey Ed!
Yes.. He does resemble my pic of Beetlejuice.. he is THE MAN! & wasn’t in Jungle fever. .but Bubble boy with Jake G.! who me?
here’s a pic of the Beetlejuice(Lester Green) & I….
Classic..
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thecanonrattman/64041516/in/set-1383062/