Ian’s Unnecessary News Roundup
Not a day goes by that I don’t receive countless e-mails, letters, phone calls, telegrams, candygrams, strippergrams, and smoke signals, all expressing some form of, “Yeah, yeah—Wall Street in a panic, economy in the toilet, Hillary and Obama mud-wrestling, Ron Paul’s sex tape—enough of that depressing stuff. We want more Unnecessary News!” Well, ask and ye shall receive, my imaginary friends!
Fist of a Tiger: In commemoration of the time he finally beat his father at golf, Tiger Woods has established the “Fist Pump Challenge” to inspire young people to celebrate their own accomplishments. The legendary Nike spokesmodel said he hopes the challenge will help kids “highlight the moments in their lives that brought them closer to reaching their goals.” When asked for examples, Woods said that possible “Fist Pumping” moments could include the first time you beat your father in a game, the first time you beat your father into unconsciousness, or the first time you got fisted.
I’m Not Dead, I’m Just a Little Chile: Proving once again that the third developing world is an endless source of medical mishaps and shenanigans, funeral-goers in Chile were astonished recently when Feliberto Carrasco, whom they had come to mourn, woke up and asked for a glass of water. The 81-year old had been unconscious for so long that relatives believed him dead and even dressed him for his wake. After the miraculous “resurrection,” Mr. Carrasco appeared to be fine, and has since returned to his favorite activities of pooping his pants, forgetting his own name, and wishing he was dead.
Lopez Sez No Mo-pez*: George Lopez star George Lopez has decided he will retire at the age of 55 to safeguard his health. The comedian and kidney-transplant recipient plans to perform for another nine years before hanging up his microphone for good. The transition should be easy, however, as Lopez retired from making people laugh in 1994.
*I nominate coming up with the title “Lopez Sez No Mo-pez” as my Fist Pumping moment. What’s yours?
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
id say my fist pumping moment would be being fisted by my father.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:15 pm
My Fist Pumping Moment was the first time I entered Cracked.com and started reading the articles (i still can’t remember how the hell i ended up on this site)
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:15 pm
HOLY SHIT!
Heath Ledger is dead!
I demand a new unecessary news segment.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Yeah, I saw that not to long ago. It’s a shame, probably drugs.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
I am deeply offended, Andy, that you think I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t wait at least 24 hours after a person’s death to make cheap jokes like “My condolences go out to Ledger’s family, friends, and the unlucky investors in Brokeback II: Assignment Muscle Beach.“
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I was going to say “probably drugs or Batman” but thought better of it.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 pm
you know who killed ledger?
the god damned batman.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 pm
There’s an outbreak of late-90s teen heartthrob deaths here, people.. first Brad Renfro (who you may remember from his Kevin Bacon Blowjob scene in “Sleepers”) now Ledger… Any guesses on who’s next? My vote is for Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
January 23rd, 2008 at 2:33 am
River Phoenix
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:31 am
Not JTT!
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:28 am
I had some fist pumping moments earlier, while on sugarmommymeet.com. If you know what I’m sayin’ Aw, yeah!
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:06 am
What so no offensively homophobic ‘queering catches up to you’ remarks?
I am appalled Cracked, APPALLED.
January 23rd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I like George Lopez! He’s a good hispanic guy that doesn’t use the word “beaner” every 10 seconds, and still manages to be funny, and believe me, there’s not a lot of good role-models out there….
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I say Zac Efron is next. The stress of trying to act straight while filming movies about High School Musicals will catch up to him sometime…
January 24th, 2008 at 2:35 am
My fist pumping moment is coming up for an explanation for that bodybuilder Rubick’s cube video. Also my theorey is Ledger was killed by the Olsen twins.
January 24th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
LoganB:
“At 2:45 p.m., the massage therapist showed up for Ledger’s appointment, knocked on his door and got no answer. She later noticed Ledger was unconscious and called actress Mary-Kate Olsen, whose number was programmed into Ledger’s cell phone, to seek advice.
Olsen said she would send over her private security. In the ensuing moments, the massage therapist realized that Ledger might be dead, called Olsen again, then called 911. Paramedics - and Olsen’s security people - arrived minutes later.”
Creepy!
June 14th, 2008 at 11:23 am
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