MacWorld rumour update: Apple to release Apple-branded products? The shocking truth contained within!
The annual MacWorld Expo kicks off this morning with Steve Jobs keynote address. Every year Jobs uses this venue to do a couple things. One, he discusses upcoming upgrades and improvements for existing Apple products (more RAM, more white plastic, etc.) Two, he often uses the opportunity to unveil Apple’s next “big product.” Last year it was the iPhone, which you may have heard about on every website in the fucking world.
Although Mac geeks like to speculate endlessly about what the big surprise will be, Jobs announcements often come completely out of the blue. He even has a little catchphrase, where after announcing all the minor products and upgrades he’ll make to leave the stage before turning and saying “Oh, and one more thing” before announcing the big surprise. Why so many people hang on the word of someone who channels Peter Falk during a speech is anyone’s guess. “And one more thing” is about as cool of a catchphrase as “You’re the man now, dawg,” albeit without the horrible cringe-inducing racism.
Anyways, I thought I’d examine some of the likeliest “surprises” Apple might have in store for us, and just for fun, throw in some baseless slander about Steve Jobs along the way.
Touchscreen MacBook or iMac
This is the most popular rumor floating around right now: Apple will release either an iMac or Macbook with a touchscreen built in. Some people reckon Apple may go a step further and release a keyboard-less tablet device – tablet devices being that market that’s floundered a bit in the last few years due to the fact that no-one anywhere wants a tablet device. The only people who’ve ever expressed any interest in tablet computing are artists. Fortunately for Apple, as a group, artists are not known for being terribly smart with their money - although they’re also not known for having much of it in the first place. It’s difficult to imagine them, or anyone else, scooping up an inevitably pricey tablet Mac in any significant numbers.
Fun baseless Steve Jobs slander: Steve Jobs desire to have touchscreens installed in every computer is partly due to his nickname around Apple’s Cupertino headquarters, “Old Semen-Mouse.”
iBook
Given Apple’s extensive experience with their iTunes store, and the semi-positive response people have given the Amazon Kindle, it’s possible Apple may want to get into the ebook market. Although it’s still uncertain how large demand for ebooks is, Apple would have some pretty strong advantages over it’s competition, assuming that it doesn’t release the ugliest device ever created.
Fun baseless Steve Jobs slander: Jobs has been experimenting with a prototype version of the iBook for several months now. He particularly enjoys reading the series of Goosebumps books by R.L. Stine, and finds the ability of the iBook to be used one handed particularly useful while relentlessly masturbating to the same.
Sub-notebook
Essentially an Apple version of the Asus EeePC, this would likely take the form of a very small Macbook that forgoes a hard drive for a few gigs of solid state memory. Sub-notebooks are kind of a hot thing right now, but a key element of them is that they’re supposed to be cheap. And “cheap” has never really been Apple’s thing, in much the same way that “healthy” has never really been bacon’s thing. In general, Apple avoids the low end of the computing market, preferring the higher margins available when selling more powerful machines, and there’s no reason to think they’ll stray away from that now.
Fun baseless Steve Jobs slander: Steve Jobs has non-consensual sex with dead animals.
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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.
January 15th, 2008 at 8:08 am
“Steve jobs has non-consensual sex with dead animals.” So, the animals tell him not to have sex with them before they die?
January 15th, 2008 at 9:48 am
They plead with him to not desecrate their bodies after they have passed, otherwise they won’t get into animal heaven. Steve Jobs laughs at this.
January 15th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Am I the only one who thinks Mr. Jobs looks like a James Bond villain in this picture?
January 15th, 2008 at 10:58 am
I do. My first thought seeing the picture was “oh fuck, the guy from Tomorrow Never Dies is alive and running a giant software company,” and started getting paranoid about how my iPod crashing could be the sign of some sinister plot by Apple to create a sense of insecurity within the music-buying public, so they can then control the world’s music-related media better. Then the realisation of all the branded i-whatever merchandise and hardware, and it all started to click.
Then I realised my iPod is a piece of shit.
January 15th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Thank God for Macrumors’ live coverage of this event:
Truly riveting.
January 15th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Is there any standing room? For the love of god, tell me!
January 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Steve Jobs is a Bond villian. Mac sux.
January 15th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
you suck faggot
January 15th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Now my mind is gonna be in a tangle… “you suck faggot”
Does that mean a command, like “you, suck faggot!” or an insult like “you suck, faggot”. Is it a whole new term, like “you suckfaggot.” Can you please clarify for me, Anonymous.
January 15th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Maybe he forgot an “a” and meant to say, “You suck a faggot,” implying that the person in question provides fellatio to homosexuals.
Anyway, I’d like to see someone bounce a bottle off Steve Jobs’ head during that speech. Right when he does the “One more thing” thing, *Pow!* a half-full bottle of Natural Light beans him in the forehead.
January 15th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
I’m assuming Anonymous’ real name is You… so it’s kinda like caveman speak, Grog Like Wheel. Except Anonymous is saying he would like to suck me… Though I’d never let anyone who speaks of themself in the first person fellate me. Oh, and I like girls…
But Anonymous, we here trolling cracked respect your lifestyle and your self hate. You are a wonderful person down deep inside. And I know you’d like another wonderful person down deep inside of you. Way deep. You know what I mean? Huh? Huh?!?
Dick!
January 15th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I don’t think I’ve had such a hugely well thought out ,anonymous,vehemous, intelligent put down since about , oh Eighth grade. Oh wait, that guy did have the guts to say it to my face instead of anonymously. I’m just crushed. I’ve been owned. I think I will cry.
For the record Macs do suck, the right mouse button has not worked on single one of them I have tried to use.
January 15th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Who exactly taught glendoor42 how to write? Hugely? Why exactly did you bother to use that word.? It has no place in that sentence. And what about the extra space between some commas and no some between others. It would seem someone’s chimp has gotten into the computer room again. Oh well…
I’m guessing that the right mouse button on most of the macs you’ve tried didn’t work because up till not too long ago, no mac mouse had a right mouse button. But again, you are a chimp, and chimps don’t know all that much about computers anyway.
Dick!
January 15th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
(not some - space) I’m a chimp also.
January 15th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Am I the only one who was suprised to see that Chris Bucholz was still blogging?
January 15th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I type like a chimp because I can only keyboard right handed. Not because I’m masturbating, but because I have 12 pins in my left arm and it’s quite immobilized. When you get done grading my comments, please attach the final grade to my permanent record.
Also, “Adv. 1. hugely - extremely; “he was enormously popular”
enormously, staggeringly, tremendously” .You like, he was hugely in need of a dictionary or thesaurus.
Finally, About the mac right mouse button, Wow, did not know that.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I am using a mac at the moment and it&*(&^*%**functions @$%^$^^ perfectly )!)!)0101010101010101010101(((((^)%$^)^)%^^)% norma!L@)@!)!(!(. I don’t&@$&YCGG see what!!#$#$*#*H you’re/all……………………………….on$#%%$ about.
January 16th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Hmm…I wonder when apple will “Reinvent the right mouse button”?
January 17th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
@The Faggot in Question:
You chose glendoor42 as the person to criticize for spelling/grammar? The guy is William Shakespeare compared to most people on the internet. Who the fuck cares, as long as the meaning gets across?
It’s not like this shit is being published.
Besides, it’s onerous to constantly be diligent about your spelling and grammar, and while you might gauge from my (mostly) flawless use of the English language that I have a metal rod up my ass, I can assure you that for the most part I use ‘u’ instead of ‘you’, and other such shortcuts on a regular basis. btw, although it has nothing to do with language, I do in fact have a metal rod up my ass at the moment.
January 17th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Hey ass_master3000 , thanks for getting my back there, though I will admit to being just the slightest bit uncomfortable at having someone named well…..uh… ass_master3000 at my back.
January 18th, 2008 at 11:22 am
np glendoor42…would you like to see my metal rod?
January 18th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Uh,….. no I’ll just take your word on that. Thanks anyway though.