My Blogging Promise
A few days ago, my co-blogger Ian Cooper turned the blogging world on its ear by revealing he would no longer blog about Britney Spears. Many were shocked, but I wasn’t surprised. Mostly because I know Ian, and I dislike him intensely. We all do. (Well, in truth, just me. Swaim only hated Ian when he thought he was Black.)
But giving up Britney is typical Ian. It’s just the kind of uppity stunt he’d pull to prove to he’s better than we are. The same way he showboats his comedic work ethic by bringing you three separate stories in his Unnecessary News Round Ups. Where I come from, that’s too much work. One post. One joke.
But not to be outdone, I too will raise the bar to show I can bring the funny without resorting to easy stories. For example, TMZ is running a really juicy piece today about James Eckhouse. Yes that’s right. Turns out that this balding
Well, I won’t blog about that. Too easy. Here’s other things I vow never to blog about:
Any story involving Ian Ziering
Any story involving Raven Simone. Or if I do, I promise not to title it “_______’s, So Raven.” For example, if she were busted in a crackhouse, I might still blog about it, but I promise not to title the post “Smoking Crack’s SO Raven.”
Any story about a possible Small Wonder reunion show.
Any story about Pamela Anderson where it is somehow impossible to make a joke about her breasts.
Any story involving a Mexican boy who glues himself to a bed, and if I do, I won’t use this graphic:
___
Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
GODDAMN FIRST. I DON’T CARE! FIRST!!!!
January 11th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Why would a mexican child have a poster of such an offensive stereotype in his room? Also, the kid probably glued himself to the bed to make sure he wouldn’t wake up propped up against a cactus.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Glenn, I assumed that was a window, not a poster. I’d ask Ian, but he also made a promise to never talk to me again.
January 11th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Hooray Gladstone! Down with Ian Cooper!
January 11th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Why would the mexican child either have a poster of a better drawn reality or a window to one? You’d think a child stupid enough to be that crudely drawn, glue himself to his bed, and be mexican wouldn’t be able to even conceive of such clearer, sleepier, equally racist reality. Much less have a poster or magical window to one.
January 11th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Seems Mr. Cooper has some serious explaining to do!
January 11th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
If that is a window, then the passed-out mexican dude is 20 feet tall and weighs 3 tons.
January 11th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Ian, did you save your calculations?
Remember this blog does give partial credit if you show your work.
January 11th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
¿Cómo se dice “You can all suck it”?
January 11th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Ian Cooper: Se dice “todos me lo pueden mamar” o simplemente “me lo pueden mamar”, cual prefieras.
I thought Swaim had the monopoly on the racist blogs, but apparently not.
January 11th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Ian Cooper, je condamne tes propos raciste dans le nom de toutes les races ‘perdantes’ de l’Amérique du Nord.
January 11th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Jean-Guy, Bacalao, s’il vous plaît mordre mon bout.
January 11th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Wooo! Multilingual internet battle!
January 11th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
How you say Ian, I would like much but moi left ma microscope at ma maison. Woud very much like to feed ta mère ma queud, si tu m’entends.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Ce Glenn a la réputation d’être le meilleur amant du Canada. Sa technique est imparfaite, mais ses génitaux son massif.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I have not had french since high school. But did I read that last part of the second sentence right in saying that your genitals have massive sounds?
That’s still pretty impressive though. I mean does it talk or does have large sounds in general, does it do these sounds at random or are they on a set schedule? Just curious.
January 12th, 2008 at 1:57 am
You don’t have to take this Ian! Beat them down with your manly-blog manliness!
(P.S. Fransosich verliert; es saugt der Rute des Ziegens. Viele Ziegen. Bitches.)
January 12th, 2008 at 4:27 am
fuck, I forgot da t. I meant sont damn you!
January 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I’m lost.
January 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Ian Ziering? You mean he’s no longer in show biz?
January 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Mówię po polsku
There, we can add Polish to the mix. I can’t actually say anything beyond ‘you look hot,’ and ‘let’s go to bed.’
Also I can complement a girl on her boobs. You can tell I only learned to impress a particular Polish girl.
January 12th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
By the way, if anyone does want to hit on a big-breasted Polish girl the best phrases to use are;
You look hot! - Wyglądasz super!
Nice breasts! - Ładny piersi!
January 12th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
@ Jean-Guy Latuque, Oh well a big dick isn’t near as interesting as one that makes massive
sounds. Not to me anyway.
January 12th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Ta me ag dul go dti an leatharis. Ta mo caipal ag ith an scamal mor. Nil aon fada agum…
Now, some nonsensical and misspelled Irish thrown in, too!
January 12th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
@glendoor42: tis true, she make quite a sound when violently penetration your maman, but dis is only from its bigness.
January 12th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Dammit Jean-Guy you’re not French enough to be insulting!
You need to lean against a wall with a beret and casually smoke a cigarette whilest telling Glendoor “your mutherrr rides like a BEAST!”
January 12th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
@ Ross I believe John-Dude there is French-Canadian. Which is to say not a real French person.They just think they are.
John-Dude I believe the sound you heard was my mother’s laughter, not your penis.
January 12th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
@ROSS: Tu oses mettre en cause mon identité francophone? Ta mère attaque mon amour rigide avec passion.
@glendoor: We are French in the same way Americans are English, which is to say not at all. C’est vrai que parfois le son que font mes testicules quand ils frappe le menton de ta mère me fait pensé à un rire…c’est peut-être pour ça que mon sperme sort de son nez quand j’éjacule?
January 12th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
LMAO
Hmm, étrange obsession de tu pénis et mères. Etes-tu secrètement Larry Flynt?
I think i’ll turn this one over to my countryfellow Groundskeeper Willie; “Bonjoooouuurr, ya cheese-eating surrender monkeys!”
January 12th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
ahahahahahahahah. Ah, ah, ah, en français hon, hon, hon, hon *bullfrog distensions*
I once told that Groundskeeper Willie thing to an actual Frenchman (I translated for him and everything), and he didn’t get it. The French are apparently too busy despising anything non-parisian to be aware of their international reputation. Personally, I can’t think of a more succinct description of the French.
January 12th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Groundskeeper Willie rules!!! Though I have often heard the tall guy on that British car show Top Gear use it too. If I had to bet I would say, as in all things,” The Simpsons did it first.
January 13th, 2008 at 2:46 am
I can say balls in Gaelic.
CLARK!
Yeah, I’m bilngual.
January 13th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Dude don’t lie. The day they catch Raven Simone in a crackhouse I expect, no, DEMAND to see a that shit in HUGE letters on your blog within the hour.
January 13th, 2008 at 7:04 am
See, more reasons to hate Ian. You do a blog tangentially related to him and you get a bunch of comments in a different language.
January 13th, 2008 at 11:01 am
It isn’t his fault. Racist bastards tend to attract this type of attention. Why do you think Swaim is so popular?
January 13th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I’d like to clarify I don’t have issues with people of other races/nationalities, but if some asshole is going to insult my mother then you better believe I’m taking the Jerry Lewis worshipping, onion eating, beret wearing, chain smoking, arrogant metrosexual fashionista man-whore to task.
January 13th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I would nevair insult your mother, Ross. Every woman dat I have slept wit was special and beautiful. *takes a puff* Your American women especially, like tigresses when dey overcome their repressions. *long exhale* Une question pour toi, *sardonic smile* comment as-tu pu sortir d’un trou si étroit? Comme une vièrge…Esque c’est possible que tu sois adopté?
And…scene. I am done playing this character. My french is too rusty.
January 13th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I would retort, but the fact my country takes your women and beats you at soccer twice means much more than any petty insult I can come up with.
January 13th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
That all sounds great, but if Ian Ziering glues himself to a Mexican boy, I would really, really, appreciate you blogging about it.
January 14th, 2008 at 6:54 am
OK, David.
I promise to blog about that if Ziering does it again.
January 14th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Vi ĉiuj estas treega inteligenta kaj viaj patrinoj estas bonegaj prostituitinoj. Plaĉi al kiso mia giganto peniso. Vivu Esperanto!
January 14th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Esperanto infigo. Major domus kudos pro tractus ut ex vestri ass. Per via meus matris est a secretum schola magister , non a meretricis quoque sedatus per Swaim quod vestri penis est non ut magnus.