A Guitar-Shredding, Dinosaur-Killing Martial Arts Master: The Friday Nooner (EST)!
Awesome Video Of The Day
Our #1 Commenter (Is A Douchebag)
Over the course of the last few months, the Cracked Blog has received a whole bunch of comments. Some of them have been insightful, some have been marginally coherent, and a good number of them have been spam for some site called sugarmommy.com. Through thick and thin, though, through everything that has come to pass, there has been one man, a dedicated commenter who has made it all worth it.
I’m talking, of course, about Nick.
A veritable geyser of useful information, Nick has always been there for us when we needed him most. Luckily, it turns out that Nick is an expert on pretty much every single topic that has come up! In the past few months, I’ve had the unique pleasure of reading Nick’s thoughts on:
I have to admit it: I was skeptical at first. I thought to myself, “How can this kid possibly be an expert on all these topics?” I scoffed when he said that people who play Guitar Hero are wasting their lives away, but do you know what Nick does instead of playing it? HE PLAYS A REAL GUITAR. That’s right - Nick can play this song from Final Fantasy, and guess what? HE’S NEVER EVEN PLAYED THE GAME. Say what you will, but you know what? That’s really impressive. Impressive enough that when he gives me very specific instructions on how to kill a Tyrannosaurus Rex, I’m willing to listen. And when he tells me all about how awesome his computer is, I’m going to go out and buy a computer just like it. That’s because - unlike a lot of people that might think he’s totally full of shit - I understand that Nick is an expert on all things.
And while I’ll never be as learned on nearly as many subjects as Nick, I’d like to close this post with a humble achievement of my own: I’m no math expert, but I think I’ve finally solved the age-old “Internet + Anonymity = ???” problem:
Thanks, Nick - I couldn’t have done it with you.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Tune in next week when Nick skullfucks Stephen Hawking to death while drinking champagne out of a bear skull atop a bullet train that is jumping a canyon filled with out of print editions of the collected works of Henry David Thoreau.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I think I could cry. I was hoping for a mention in the Cracked News under the week in douchebaggery some time, but I mean this is even better! I’m going to save this page, and treasure this achievement for many, many years.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I’ve found your weakness: you haven’t mastered lighting for a webcamera! Or your face is dark and nearly featureless.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I never said I was a master or expert of anything; those are Ross’s words, though I do appreciate that he said it with sarcasm. I’m a jack-of-all-trades though and I tend to defend people with the knowledge I have, for example:
Funny, apocowarg, the first poster here was the one who felt like insulting the guy that made the robot. I took a few classes on OCI and image recognition. I could by no means make a robot, but I can give a little insight into how hard it is to do what he did.
Same, with the martial arts. I didn’t speak up in a rant until Choocher insulted the kid.
The guitar hero thing yesterday. I just don’t like the game and felt like getting people pissed off about it.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
FLAME WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 11th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
An announcement to all: As I was made the subject of an entire Friday Nooner, I feel no need to post any longer. I will only post on this Friday Nooner comment board today and Monday, but no matter how the conversations go or end, I will no longer post comments on Cracked.com. So, get your insults or advice while you can, for I will only be a shadow after Monday, posting only short, neutral, annonymous comments that people will only skim over without a thought.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Congratulations, Cracked–you’ve crushed yet another young person’s spirit. I hope you’re happy with the world you’ve made.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Great post Ross, extremely funny. Made my day.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
It sure is embarassing when someone finds visual evidence of your douchebaggery on the internet. Maybe in an email. Maybe from a mutual friend.
Right Ross?
Right?
January 11th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Nah, Ian. I just feel anything I post now would be a step backwards. It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen when I clicked on the page and then realized the video was me. While, I understand the whole post was just a big pile of sarcasm, I still know how to laugh at myself, and I think this was one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read.
I’m amazed that my posting made an influence enough on the Cracked staff they still remember my posts from long ago (or at least looked back through weeks of postings just to find them). I’m more flattered than insulted.
January 11th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Thus Nick of the Shadowpeople returns to the netherworld from whence he came.
January 11th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Nick of the Shadowpeople… I like it. It’s got a ring to it.
January 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
It’s sugarmommyMEET.COM! God-fucking-DAMMIT! WIll you GETI IT THE FUCK RIGHRT?! I WISH I COULD GO DOUBLE-CAPS LOCK TO YELL MORE!!!
January 11th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Oh, just as a fun piece of information, if anyone wants to blame anyone for being a regular visitor to this site, you can blame Michael Swaim. It was one of his articles (which I found incredibly funny) that a friend had sent me is why I became a regular visitor to cracked.com.
January 11th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Nick is one of the greatest men who ever walked the earth. How dare you people treat him otherwise. I know what it is like to have accomplished so much with my massive intellect and experience and still be the butt of numerous jokes (i.e.. the ‘00 election). He suffers from persecution the likes of which an Auschwitz survivor would know and to be honest I think Nick knows a little more than that. I know what it is like to create great things (i.e.. the internet, global warming awareness) and be burned in the sick fire of flaming. Let me just be the first who says Nick deserves everything coming to him for he has traversed this world far and wide and knows more than you can your whole family could ever imagine knowing combined. Thanks and please write me in in ‘08.
January 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Al Gore is now my hero.
January 11th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Well, I have been Nick for about 5-6 years now, and I think you are really understating the effect of being Nick, and by making fun of you him you are clearly doing so without any knowledge of Nick (unlike myself, since, as I have stated before, I have about 5-6 years of being Nick experience, whereas you probably have none)
In order to properly be Nick, you have to first get an acoustic guitar, cheap “how-to” guides, and a gold chain to hang hesitantly around your neck. After that, you have to purchase sheet music for various video games that you despise- while Final Fantasy IS a popular choice, I myself usually go with the original soundtrack of Pong.
Now that you have your guitar, you have to give yourself a very short, frat-style haircut and get a Large sized white T-shirt (if its from Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s pledge rush, 2001, that would be preferable).
That’s the easy part, folks. I should know, I had to do this to successfully become Nick. I’m not bragging or anything, but its really hard work- just another reason why you shouldn’t poke fun at those who become Nick without having a notion of how hard it is to be so amazing at everything.
Afterwards, you must begin violently wikipedia-ing various martial arts styles, so you can effective kick a a 7 inch man in the face (going off track a bit, having mastered the art of the giant karate kick, I got into a fight with Shaq. Unfortunately, he was slightly taller than 7 feet tall, so I was only able to clip him in the chin, which did leave him dazed, but was not nearly as satisfying as I had hoped). Now, you’re almost Nick!
Finally, you have to develop an inflated ego (I went about doing this by putting on a muscle suit and flexing in front of a mirror for several hours a day doing an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying “it feels like you’re coming all the time” in “Pumping Iron”). Finally, you post lengthy, self-important posts on cracked.com, and feign amusement as you stumble about befuddledly thinking “why does no one like me!?”
Now, cracked.com staff and all other viewers, if you have not gone through all of that effort to be Nick, you are clearly not knowledgeable about Nick, and I would thank you not to insult such a skill which you clearly have no previous knowledge.
~Nick
P.S. Guitar Hero III is totally gay, but if they had a final fantasy song on it, I might consider playing it with friends to show them how awesome I am at playing final fantasy.
January 11th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Nick has proven, through his devotion to annoyance, that joining Cracked.com and creating a profile/avatar has little-to-no effect on your influence on the site. I’m willing to wager, although I cannot prove it, that anywhere you see a comment with the name “Nick” that extends beyond two sentences, you are dealing with the same incendiary bastard that Ross has singled out here.
January 12th, 2008 at 12:10 am
God I hope that video of me molesting a goat doen’t come back to haunt me.
January 12th, 2008 at 12:14 am
I saw it on sugarmommy.com. Cute goat.
January 12th, 2008 at 2:01 am
I’d noticed a comment or two by the infamous Nick before, but I never had any idea that his mastery of everything was so complete. It’s a shame he will not be around to share his enlightenment after Monday.
January 12th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Forget wikipedia-ing the verb. This is proof that wikipedia has become wikisentient. Don’t be surprised to soon see the entry for Cracked be deleted in it’s first expression of the the emotion it defines as “revenge”.
January 12th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
This entry and its comments are utterly fantastic.
January 12th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Nick reminds me of Dwight Schrute.
January 13th, 2008 at 4:06 am
By the way, the right way to kill a T-Rex is simply to make him trip (like, with a rope tied between two trees). His arms are too weak to prevent the skull from hitting the floor with the full force of a 10 meters high fall, especially when running at around 20km/h.
January 13th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Nick isn’t the least bit insulted but is flattered by this post, which proves once and for all, if anyone thought that the mound of evidence brought against him just now wasn’t enough, that he is a fucking moron.
January 13th, 2008 at 11:38 am
The best way to kill a T-Rex is undeniably to drop a huge meteor in the vicinity of the Gulf of
Mexico approximately 65 million years ago.
January 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Do we all get our own special blog entry now?
January 13th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Well there’s not but about six of us, I don’t know why not.
January 13th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
No, see, this is not the correct way to insult someone. As anyone who has insulted for 15 years can tell you (I myself have been doing so for 18), the proper form is to make fun of their mother. This will not only make them feel bad about their mother, but about themselves, as a person raised by a dirty whore is a dirty whore themselves. Watch my youtube video!
January 14th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Everyone knows you can’t kill a T-Rex by tripping it. That’s because the metric system doesn’t apply to dinosaurs.
Also, is it possible to compile a huge list of all the facts bestowed unto us by he who is known as Nick? That would be awesome, but I’m too lazy to do it alone.
January 14th, 2008 at 9:21 am
It’s a humor blog, Joss. You have to laugh at yourself sometimes.
Ross apparently didn’t mind what I said on the martial arts discussion because he blaims Choocher as the downfall for “why we can’t have nice things”: http://www.cracked.com/blog/2007/12/03/a-failed-experiment-zero-gravity-and-a-really-stupid-pair-of-scissors-the-daily-nooner-est/
Swiam is apparently the expert at T-rex’s because he answered all of our “how do you deal with a T-rex in this scenario” in his post here: http://www.cracked.com/blog/2007/11/21/worst-case-scenario-t-rex-edition/
And, the lot of you must really love Guitar Hero….
Good call Vimmy on Dwight Schrute. I didn’t know who he was so I looked him up on wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwight_Schrute The That really does sound a lot like me, but I’d've taken the pay raise.
Anyways, now it’s my turn to get picked on by the cracked staff, and I think it’s funny.
January 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Non-cracked-editor Ross and glendoor are right. For the blog entry about me, I’d just like to clarify that I have an average-sized penis. Or it’s smallish. I really don’t know, to be honest, but it has the same nickname as my Les Paul guitar controller for the Wii (Axel), so that’s kind of neat.
January 14th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
…..Justin…. has ….average …sized.. penis…nicknamed …same …..as Wii guitar controller…..got it ,thanks Justin.
January 15th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Last post for me here (and before someone makes the comment, yes, I realize this was posted on Tuesday and I said I wouldn’t be on after Monday. I got caught up playing a new song, so keep checking my YouTube for a new video in the next week or two).
I would like to take this time to apologize for coming off as an asshole (though on some occasions I was doing it on purpose). I don’t apologize for spending my time learning as much as I can about any number of subjects and trying my best in whatever activities I have participated in: sports, school, music, whatever. If that makes me an asshole, then so be it. I only tried to provide good information with my own personal experience as validity (except in cases of speculation like the dinosaur stuff, but as I said Swaim is the expert at that).
Please don’t misconstrue this as being insult, because I’m not. I still think this post is hilarious. I also appreciate that I have almost 1000 views the song posted in this blog and several hundred between my other videos, which was the whole point of starting to post YouTube videos: share music to help others learn and learn from others. I do, however, concede that most everyone has stopped caring for (or didn’t care for from the start) my posts. I do find this somewhat humorous though. Because I will now only post anonymously, anyone who sounds remotely like me will be branded with responses like “ZOMG! IT’S NICK! HE’S SUCH A DOUCHE!” and that I think will be funnier to me than anyone else.
In any case, Cracked.com staff: Please continue with you work. Your site is one of the best humor sites around.
You can feel free to continue to insult now and I won’t post back to defend myself, so say whatever you wish. I harbor no ill will against anyone, so farewell and live long and prosper and such.
Regards,
-Nick
January 15th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Nick can’t help it if he totally pwns everyone at everything he does, LEAVE NICK ALONE! *tear*.
January 18th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Link to removed vid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr-8xQ0YvEo&feature=RecentlyWatched&page=1&t=t&f=b
February 15th, 2008 at 7:40 am
check the definition of validity ahole
March 16th, 2008 at 7:18 am
I lol’d.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Great. Now you guys ran Nick off before he could tell us how to destroy Hannah Montana.