In a Bonus Minigame, Astaroth Pilots a B-Wing
I love the Soul Caliber games. No other fighting game has such a perfect mix of “if I press all the buttons in an aggressive enough manner, I stand a good chance of winning” and “if I master this combo, I will become a lithe, fluid incarnation of Death itself.”
So honestly, I’ll be buying Soul Caliber IV no matter what bizarre crossover characters they put in it. I’d happily play as a barrel-hurling Donkey Kong, Soccer ball-kicking Pele, or Mace-wielding Mike Huckabee.
But, that doesn’t mean I can let something like the insertion of Star Wars characters into the franchise go by unmentioned. Spawn and Link were bad enough, but putting Darth Vader and Yoda into the game as playable characters is like leaving the Lucasarts truck they used to deliver the giant mountain of cash parked in front of your house. We know it exists, but do you have to rub it in our faces?
To those who think this isn’t such a bad idea, I present an exhaustive list of Darth Vader’s Soul Caliber IV control scheme and moves list:
Control: Press X
Move: Force Choke
Description: Darth chokes opponent to death with his mind.
The end. You’re done. Shut the fuck up Killik; your fucking stick can’t outreach the FORCE.
And yes, they could strategically remove Yoda/Vader’s powers to make them mesh with the Soul Caliber universe, but that’s going to be equally annoying. I mean, do you really want to play a fighting game where your lightsaber hums cleanly through the rapidly ionizing atmosphere, only to be parried by Maxi’s nunchucks?
No; you’re going to whine and moan about how it “isn’t true to the spirit of the character.” Well, you are if you’re an insufferable nerd, which unfortunately describes myself and most of my close friends to a T.
So if you’re reading this Namco Bandai, may I suggest a sensible alternative to the Dark One and his Green Counterpart: PacMan. He’s a classic gaming icon, sure to come bundled with some sweet crossover ad revenue, and is perfectly balanced against the other Soul Caliber characters.
His ability to hover and move in any direction make him defensively strong, while his lack of any attack other than ramming his head against things makes him far from too powerful. Pit him against Ivy, give him some power pills, and let’s leave the crazy franchise mashups to Super Smash Bros.
January 11th, 2008 at 9:49 am
A “Cracked” Interview with Astaroth
Recently we sat down with famed Soul CailBUR personality Astaroth. He was polite enough to let us into his Burbank, CA home, although he did shatter and scatter a number of our film crew before he calmed down enough for this interview.
Cracked: So A-man, what’s up? How do you feel about the insertion of Star Wars characters in the next Soul Calibur game?
Astaroth: DISGUSTING.
Cracked: I see. So how do you think the public will react when the game is released?
Astaroth: SQUIRM.
Cracked: Ah yes, you feel that the gamers will squirm in their seats when they discover this addition. Do you think that there will be a backlash to this type of crossover?
Astaroth: EXTERMINATE!
Cracked: Wait, you’re saying the backlash will be so severe that the public will demand the extermination of any future SC games, and that the franchise will come to an unceremonious, pathetic end?
Astaroth: SHUT UP!
Cracked: *Astaroth has grabbed his axe and has stood up menacingly. The crew and I begin to back out of his house* Well, thank you for your time, we wish you the best in all your future…
Astaroth: DON’T SCREAM, WORMS!
*Dedicated to the memory of the lives of the brave Cracked interview team. We miss you guys.*
January 11th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
That one comment made this post worthwhile.
January 11th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I don’t know, I guess that the Star Wars franchise couldn’t be cheapened anymore or sell out any harder than it did with episodes 1,11 or 111.
Personally, I kind of lost a lot of respect for it it when Darth Vader was thwarted by the Energizer”goddamn”Bunny. A video game kind of seems a step up from there.
But nothing and I mean nothing will ever dampen my enthusiasm for the the fact that I finally got my lightsaber.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Err, Soul Calibur doesn’t have combos. What the hell?
N
January 11th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
YOU, sir, are not playing Soul Caliber correctly. Talim…square square triangle triangle…FOR LIFE.
January 12th, 2008 at 6:22 am
Dude. Like everything more than 2 hits in Soul Calibur, that’s blockable in the middle.
Your friends suck, s’all I’m sayin’.
N
January 12th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I’d like to suggest the inclusion of Qbert as well.
January 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
PS: Talim is the greatest character in any fighting game ever in the history of the world.
Swaim knows what’s up.
January 13th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Well, so far Soul Caliber I for Dreamcast is the best of the bunch. We’ll see if #4 is up to beating it. (Oh, can’t wait for the criticism for that statement….)
January 13th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Sigfried was raw on Dreamcast. I loved my Dreamcast so much…sniff.
January 14th, 2008 at 10:07 am
It’s kind of fitting that there is overlap between Soul Caliber and Star Wars, as both are proponents of the following equation:
[(Something good) + (3 years) + (Gay)] X (re-release) = Money for fat nerds
February 15th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
gps buying guide…
One of the biggest advancements in technology is not only blue tooth, but also the addition of blue tooth gps to the blue tooth system….
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Online Payday Loan…
…
April 24th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I really wanted to play as link in Soul Calibur for the Cube. Too bad I never had a cube.
Also, I wanna see Indiana Jones vs Captain Kirk in the next game. or Luke Skywalker vs. Harry Potter.