SF Zoo Valiantly Fights Back Against Slain Tiger Attack Victim
Following the Christmas tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo, much has been made of the retaining wall around the tiger cage not being high enough to enclose, say, tigers. In the wake of the scandal, a Zoo “crisis management team” has been called in to help curb the negative publicity plaguing the zoo, and investigate whether the young men attacked had in fact taunted the tiger (which I understand is NOT a term for masturbation), or were under the influence of alcohol.
The team has also planned a series of ads designed to “put the whole thing in perspective.” One such ad, leaked mere moments ago to my hard drive for some reason, appears after this colon:
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
January 9th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I’m ashamed because I thought the video was real.
Uh why name the tigers? Its not like it’ll help you tell the difference any way, they all look the same. I’d just tape numbers to them.
Was that….racist?
January 9th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I’m SO HAPPY that I picked today to post my first every VLOG experiment — put together with freeware and windows movie maker on the same day that Swaim whips out the green screen and studio quality editing.
I bet no one will even come close to noticing the difference in quality.
Oh, and I’m really glad I made mine only mildly amusing while Swaim went for full LOL.
I hate you Swaim.
(sigh).
January 9th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Swaim had to lay the smack down. Stay down Gladstone! Stay down!
January 9th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Swaim may have a performing background, superior technical equipment and experience, but I know how to piss off Cobain fans. So there.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Cat! Fuck you!
January 9th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
You got lucky, Gladstone….
On a side note, check out ‘d’s comment on the post about Scientology for the most ironic comment ever written by a human being.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Well Swaim is just naturally hilarious. I mean look at his face. He has one of those faces.
January 9th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
gotta say, the bit with the hammer cracks me up every time.
January 9th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
he sure does have “one of those faces” ….a really cute face
January 9th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I enjoyed it when he called the tiger a lion. The tiger cubs won the case for me. Judgement for the defendent in the amount of not being put down.
January 9th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Mom, get off my blog!
January 9th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Fun Fact: Swaim touches children. And by “touches” I mean “puts his penis in”.
January 9th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
But is he really the monster? Those kids were drunk. They hardly make credible witnesses.
January 9th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Oh, Michael Swaim, deposit your seed inside of me.
January 9th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Mom, stop calling yourself Bacalao, and get off Swaim’s hog!, I mean blog.
January 9th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
I’m always pleasantly surprised by how ugly the cracked bloggers are.
Makes me feel better about myself.
January 9th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Wonderful video.but I think the performer portraying Carlos is a Rhodes scholar compared to the real Carlos. Hey, tigers have to eat and what better food to eat than drunk , olive complected young men who want to fuck with a 400 pound tiger! Too bad the cat had to be killed! Greggo
January 9th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I enjoy posters who sign their posts.
@ Andy Pants: I am engaged. Not saying I’m not ugly, just saying I get vagina regularly, so I don’t really care anymore.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
But seriously, what’s the big deal with eating people? It’s less wasteful than just killing them, and they are tasty and delicious (or so I’ve heard)
January 9th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
They taste like chicken or so according to the pc game I’ve been playing. Oh and being ugly
don’t have nothing to do with getting laid. Just look at Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, Ric O Casek, Lyle Lovett et al.
January 10th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Swaim is adorable! He thinks getting engaged is the key to frequent sex! Boy just wait til marriage and kids. Then you’ll be having sex NON-STOP.